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| | From:  candice507 (Original Message) | Sent: 13/10/2008 5:13 a.m. |
| Please give me more input on blaming ourselves. After breaking up with my N couple mos ago and got the cold silent treatment from him, he came back crying and begging and the works. So for the last couple of mos I keep him a distance. I don't trust him and he knows it. When I say trust I don't just mean with women, I mean with me and hurting me. I know I should be in NC and I tried, the sobbing just got to me. But he has left me feeling cold and I feel like a bitch sometimes. He turns the tears on and I just look at him. I'm not mean to him, I just don't believe him and I'm trying to put distance between us. Some of the things he use to do to me before we broke up and I throw up in his face (feel like a b....) . I feel like now he is just trying to convince me more than he really cares. But why does he sound so sincere? I hate the second guessing myself. But I do feel like I am cold, then I feel guilty for feeling this way. I know I should be in NC and wish I was strong enough. It's just while he's trying so hard to prove he loves me, I would be the bad guy if I just shut him out. I feel so much guilt because he is trying to get us back together completely and I'm trying to get strong enough to shut him out for good. He isn't one of these harsh abuser, just a user and all into himself and so cold to my child. But now he wants to be a Dad for he realzies his mistakes and knows he was wrong..hum? Do you think someone can be cold to a child for a year and realizes it and change? I don't believe it. So why can't I let go. He is just in that sweet I'm sorry mode for couple of mos now and I thought he would break by now. It was just so much easier when he was being a total jerk to walk away. I don't allow him around my child and he knows why. Then he cries and makes all the promises. I know I'm rambling and I'm sorry, it's just I really feel like the bad guy right now and I hate it. I hate it worse that I can't put him out of my life completely. I feel like he has changed me. I just don't feel like me anymore. |
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Hi Candance, In reading this post, I hear a person who is torn between what is best for them versus what is best for someone else. You say that you just do not feel like you anymore and that won't change until you break the habits you are accustomed to. Let's see if this comparison will help: Pretend your are addicted to McDonald's. You have purposely set your daily routine up to go past 2 different McDonald's everyday. Now you decide that you want to eat healthier and eliminating the easy access to McDonald's from your life is in your best interest. Otherwise you will find yourself slipping into old habits. So you have to know change your daily routine to avoid McDonald's until you reach the point that even the smell of their French Fries will no longer tempt you. It is the same with your relationship. You need the space to discover who you are again and what is important to you. There does come a time when we do have to make it ALL ABOUT US or we will not survive emotionally. My prayers are with you, Wingster |
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