| Top Picks - Mary Jo Fay Excerpts When Your "Perfect Partner" Goes Perfectly Wrong:
Loving or Leaving The Narcissist In Your Life
by Mary Jo Fay Mary Jo Fay's Website
http://www.outoftheboxx.com/narcissism.htm
From the perfect beginning to the ugly and painful end, it is almost as if all narcissists read the same manual about how to hook themselves a victim. At the beginning they build the unsuspecting loved one's self-esteem up to a point they had never experienced before, and then slowly, painfully, horribly tear them apart, leaving them shattered and wounded for a very long time. How do narcissists do it? How do people with such absurd and damaging behaviors convince seemingly normal people to follow them? To fall in love with them? Or even more confusing, to continue to stay with them, despite ongoing heartache and, oftimes abuse? So instead of asking the question, "Yes, but is he (or she) REALLY a narcissist?" The questions I consistently ask them instead is, "Do you feel healthy in this relationship? It's not as if this scenario only affects the less educated, or people from poor social classes or neighbourhoods. Some survivors have PhDs. Some are attorneys. Some are successful business people. Some are big, strong men. No socio-economic, racial or educational group is exempt. Although women seem to make up the majority of victims anyone can fall prey to the magical spell of the narcissist. “It’s like they sit in the eye of a tornado and enjoy watching the total chaos they create as their loved ones go whirling around them. Whenever there’s a lull in the storm and the winds die down they simply find a way to get things all stirred up and turbulent again.�?/STRONG>
When victims first learn about narcissism and realize that they are not alone and they are not crazy to think or feel the way they do, they are all equally overwhelmed with relief. It's like they've awakened from a coma after years of sleep with continuous nightmares. Then they start to examine their situations more closely for all the tell-tale tracks that narcissists leave in their wake. They start to see the red flags they ignored for so long. And only then do they begin to have hope and see the possibility of a future with sunshine and blue sky. “I felt like I was living in a cult. I was told what time to be home, what to do every minute I was home, and I wasn’t allowed to contact my parents or friends anymore. He said that he was the only person I needed in my life.�?/STRONG> Unfortunately, victims may also fall into the destructive dance of rationalizing or justifying their partner's behavior. The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde phenomenon that occurs in relationships with narcissists is a regular theme…Soaring with the extreme high of new love with the most incredible, romantic, unbelievably perfect man or woman of your dreams is tantamount to a romance novel or soap opera. So many of us pray and hope for such a relationship but we never truly think it can really happen. Then, when it does there is such fear of losing such bliss that many are blinded when Dr. Jekyll behaves like the deadly Mr. Hyde. They ignore the red flags and the gut feelings that keep trying to tell them something’s wrong because they know “Mr. Perfect�?was not a figment of their imagination. He was very real. And so, if he’s suddenly Mr. Hyde momentarily, they are convinced it is a temporary situation and their perfect partner will return any minute, if they are just patient enough. If only they knew just how wrong their belief is!�?/STRONG> "My therapist said that I should think of my narcissistic husband John as “emotionally retarded.�?If he were mentally retarded I would never expect him to be smart. As emotionally retarded, she helped me to realize that I can never expect him to be able to understand emotions either.�? Do I really want to spend the rest of my life this way? These are questions only you can answer. And perhaps it’s high time you ask them. It is not the intent of this book to tell anyone in a narcissistic relationship that they must leave those relationships. That’s not realistic. Each of our situations is unique and where one person might be overwhelmed and engulfed in a narcissistic relationship, a stronger person might not feel the same level of frustration, anger, or any other emotion frequently experienced by the partner of a narcissist. For example, think about what it might be like to be in a relationship with Donald Trump. He’s probably one of the most powerful and wealthy men in the world. That alone would intimidate most of us. So what kind of woman can handle him? I suspect Oprah Winfrey wouldn’t be the least bit intimidated by Donald Trump. She could probably go toe-to-toe with Donald and not feel one iota less than he. She is a tough dynamo of a woman and probably knows how to set her boundaries quite clearly�? If you’re an Oprah-type person in a relationship with an extremely narcissistic person, you may do just fine. You know how to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. Yet, if you are not that sure of yourself you may easily be overwhelmed by your narcissistic partner and become engulfed. Only you know what role you play in your relationship. If you are a strong person and are willing to adapt. .. Or you may realize your emotional health is deteriorating under the constant turmoil your partner creates on a daily basis. You may believe that something’s going to ‘snap�?somewhere pretty soon and you don’t want your kids to suffer in this turbulent environment. If so, then you owe it to yourself to get out as soon as possible. "He surrounded himself with men who were his intellectual and financial inferiors, which gave him the upper hand at all times. He barked orders at these lackeys while expecting them to look up to him and admire him. When asked why he kept his roommate around when he could find someone more interesting, he replied, "He thinks I'm God." His self image was all-important to him. Criticism or public humiliation drew a rage response in which he would go off verbally shouting hysterically for hours on end, or go off physically becoming enraged. The rages began with a darkening of his eyes into a profound blackness that conveyed a look of hatred and evil that can only be describes as deadly." | 
