Has your abuser ever accused you of the most vile, cruel lies? Accused you of being crazy? Twisted everything you say into something grotesque? Most of us have experienced that with the NP in our lives. We are left emotionally reeling. The hurt can be nearly unbearable. You were likely experiencing 'projection'. To make things simple, he is accusing you of what he is THINKING, DOING OR PLANNING. It is very hurtful to us when they project their thoughts, feelings, behaviours, and impulses and pathololgize the people they target.
Projection is not an easy concept to learn. We need to twist our way of thinking. An important part of realizing projection is to remember Ps have the emotional maturity of a 5-year old!! They are like the little boy caught breaking a toy who says "Jimmy made me do it". "Look what you made me do!" Now the P 'projects' on us as they accuse us... "You're the one whose cheating, destroying the marriage, lying etc.
Those terribly cruel words hurt us so very much. We are devastated trying to understand where they came up with the idea. What could we have done that they reacted so vehemently about? We are stunned by their words. They hurt us to the core.
So, you ask yourself "Is he doing this just to be intentionally and horribly cruel? He must know it's ridiculous. Maybe he's using it as a way to end the relationship, but what a terrible way to do it". That is your rational and very logical reasoning trying to make sense of what's happening. The truth can be even uglier. He is indeed saying what he is doing, thinking or planning. Coming to this realization can give you a glimpse into the hell of their mind. It is a defence mechanism of their disordered psyche. Professionals are trained to recognize it. Doctors use it as a barometer in diagnosing a psychiatric problem vs. a physiological one. Even the most trained and hardened psychotherapy professionals who often get the brunt of this have a hard time dealing with it. Our own normal egos get damaged.
Expect endless blame and criticism often for trivial nitpicking things. Expect them to 'split' you into a good or bad person instantanously as their defence mechanisms kick in to protect their psyche. The personality disordered will always be able to find a scapegoat.
Here's a good description of things we encounter. This is written about BPDs but surprisingly many members here report exactly the same problems.
http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/games.shtml
To protect yourself from your abuser's projecting, try to mentally build a barrier to stop his words from entering and hurting you. Ignore his words. You might say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way." or "I need you to stop blaming me". It's often better to make no remark at all. It's bait, don't take the bait. Don't give him the satisfaction of a reaction. That's what he's after. His payoff here can be any response from you either by body language, facial expression or words you use. Keep your ears open, his projection might give you a good look into what he's doing, and this can benefit anybody facing a divorce/custody case.
Projection
Bullies project their inadequacies, shortcomings, behaviours etc. on to other people to avoid facing up to their inadequacy and doing something about it (learning about oneself can be painful), and to distract and divert attention away from themselves and their inadequacies. Projection is achieved through blame, criticism and allegation; once you realise this, every criticism, allegation etc that the bully makes about their target is actually an admission or revelation about themselves. This knowledge can be used to perceive the bully's own misdemeanours; for instance, when the allegations are of financial or sexual impropriety, it is likely that the bully has committed these acts; when the bully makes an allegation of abuse (such allegations tend to be vague and non-specific), it is likely to be the bully who has committed the abuse. When the bully makes allegations of, say, "cowardice" or "negative attitude" it is the bully who is a coward or has a negative attitude.
Tim Fields: The Serial Bully site
Another interesting aspect 'introjection'. An abuser will mirror every good quality you possess. He will adopt your likes and dislikes, choices, admire you, and mimic your characteristics. It is often referred to as "mirroring" us. The following excerpt explains. "The analyst is often not only not used as a source but as a toilet to receive the patient’s undesirable feelings or parts of the self. On the other hand, they often assimilate other people’s values or ideas and declare them to be their own." The Use of Countertransference in Response to Narcissistic Defenses of Group Members.
DesySafán-GerardPhD
Understanding this, we can gain some insight into how they appear to be our 'soulmate' in the early 'idealization of us' stage of the relationship. When they are 'introjecting' or mirroring, they assimilate our plans, philosophies, dreams and goals. They can mimic our words and ideas. We feel like we've met someone perfect. It never lasts. The real person, unfortunately is not the P who was so like us, the real person is the cruel disordered P who eventually emerges.
The following chilling reality is an excerpt from the above-mentioned document...
"When primitive aggression directly infiltrates the pathological grandiose self, we have what Kernberg calls “malignant narcissism. These patients experience triumph over inflicting fear and pain in others. Their self esteem is enhanced when they experience sadistic pleasure."
Projection in Targets too? We need to be watchful for projections in our own thoughts or conversations. In a dysfunctional relationship anyone can develop some co-dependency traits.
Step 4: Taking Back Your Projections
When you attempt to become separate by making others wrong or bad, you usually develop a lifestyle based on projection. You may twist reality to suit your need to be right and justify your behavior by making others wrong. Taking back these projections often requires the loving confrontation and support of group or family members, friends and partners, a spouse or a therapist. Projections are the building blocks in the wall of denial. They tend to fall away slowly until enough of the wall of denial is removed and the truth of who you and others are is finally revealed.
12-Step Process for Recovery of Co-dependence http://www.tgsrm.org/Codependence%20(12-Steps).htm
(from a member) I did an exercise suggested in a book I'm reading-- Men Who Hate Women and The Women Who Love Them by Susan Forward. (Great book BTW!)
In the exercise, she suggests making a list of all the 'labels' the abuser used on you-- all the names you were called or the negative adjectives that were used to describe you (ie crazy, rude, mean). Then, she says to write each of these labels on a sticky label and to put them all on a larger piece of paper. (This is only part one of the exercise). Anyway, once I had stuck all the labels on the poster board, basically what was staring me back in the face was a nearly complete description of the N!!
Here is a quick little quiz to take. They are actual words spoken by our N/Ps. Which is projection and which is a lie?
1. "You can't count on those people to tell the truth".
2. "I just don't know who you are anymore"
3. "I cheated on you because I was depressed and I was punishing myself."
4. "Never trust anyone!"
5. "I don't want to know anything about your life."
6. “You don't care about the kids, they're a burden to you. All you care about is your work and being with your friends."
7. "You're a lousy housekeeper."
Answer: The only 'lie' is #3. All others are projection. Regards to Dr. Robert Bell for his knowledge and help in preparing this page.
Additional reading Projection by Lynne Namka:http://members.aol.com/AngriesOut/schoolviolence/pg33.htm
Learning Resource: What is Projection? by Kathi Stringer http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/borderline/projection.htm
Artwork by Alan Ayers
