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Dr. Sam Vaknin Snapshots 2
Excerpts from the Weekly Case Studies and
Questions for Dr. Vaknin message threads
"I am cursed with mental X-ray vision. I see through people's emotional shields, their petty lies, their pitiable defences, their grandiose fantasies. I know when they deviate from the truth and by how much. I intuitively grasp their self-interested goals and accurately predict the strategy and tactics they will adopt in order to achieve them." "A venomous snake can't help the way it is, but very few people try to befriend it." "As far as children are concerned, the picture is mixed. Most authorities say that even the worst conceivable divorce is always preferrable to a bad marriage. Others point to studies that demonstrate long-lasting psychological damage to kids involved. But you can't sail through life unscathed. Divorce is part of life and your children had better learn and get used to this fact. It's your life, too, you know!" "The abuser often recruits his children to do his bidding. He uses them to tempt, convince, communicate, threaten, and otherwise manipulate his target, the children's other parent or a devoted relative (e.g., grandparents). He controls his - often gullible and unsuspecting - offspring exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done - which causes tremendous (and, typically, irreversible) emotional hurt." Technology facilitates everything, hunting for sources of supply included. "To the narcissist, the Internet is an alluring and irresistible combination of playground and hunting grounds, the gathering place of numerous potential Sources of Narcissistic Supply, a world where false identities are the norm and mind games the bon ton. And it is beyond the reach of the law, the pale of social norms, the strictures of civilized conduct." "You are clinging to him because you are codependent. It has nothing to do with your "humanitarian duty to find even a glimpse of humanness in this man". Face your problem and tackle it, if necessary by seeking professional help (therapy)." "He is probably feeling relieved that he got rid of you - but this relief is mixed with fear that you would do to him what he would have done to you had the positions been reversed. Just don't forget that he also has a few tricks up his sleeve - he can inform your husband, for instance or spread malicious gossip about you." You are nothing more than an interchangeable prop, an instrument of gratification, a utility. He values the supply and may even be obsessed with its high quality and abundance. But he cares not one iota about you. Sources of Narcissistic Supply are nameless and faceless faucets to be used, abused, bled dry, and discarded offhandedly. You are no different. No one is. "Simply stay away from her. You represent bad memories and hurt feelings. She is very possessive and your presence is a continued narcissistic injury. Swiftly detach from her. No Contact." You keep luring him in, "seducing" him by refusing to completely eradicate him from your life, delete him from your mind, erase him from your emotions. It is you who seem to me to be obsessed with him - not the other way around. Most Sources of Supply refuse to believe that such callousness is possible, that they are so unimportant, that they have been discarded like old socks, that they never meant anything to the narcissist. So they delude themselves into thinking that it is the narcissist who is obsessed with them. Some of them even go over the edge and develop ideas of reference. They claim that the narcissist is stalking and harassing them - when, in fact, he has long lost all interest in them "Does the narcissist want to be liked?
Answer: Would you wish to be liked by your television set? To the narcissist, people are mere tools, Sources of Supply. If he must be liked by them in order to secure this supply �?he strives to make sure they like him. If he can only be feared �?he makes sure they fear him. He does not really care either way as long as he is being attended to. Attention �?whether in the form of fame or infamy �?is what it's all about. His world revolves around his constant mirroring. I am seen therefore I exist, sayeth the narcissist.
Additionally, narcissists get tired of their sources. There is no mathematical formula, which governs this. It depends on numerous variables. Usually, the relationship lasts until the narcissist "gets used" to the source and its stimulating effects wear off OR until a better Source of Supply presents itself." "Narcissists are always secretive and compartmentalize their lives. Keeping things secret restores the narcissist's sense of personal safety and omnipotence. He feels that he is again in control. He feels that the Sources of Supply, even when humiliated and dumped unceremoniously, cannot threaten him. It is less about punishing them �?and more about avoiding punishment himself." Q. How can I live with/be involved with my N. without being hurt? A. You can't. Sooner, or later, everyone around the narcissist is bound to become his victim. People are sucked �?voluntarily or involuntarily �?into the turbulence that constitutes his life, into the black hole that is his personality, into the whirlwind, which makes up his interpersonal relationships.
My prognosis is that you are looking for excuses to stay in touch with him and that you are bound to find many of them. Of course, only "on your terms". The "divorce" is meaningless if you continue to co-habit with him, talk to him, see him, and give him hope (and plenty of narcissistic supply).
If a girl tells him: "I am not really interested in having a relationship with you, I am happy with my boyfriend" - this is ignored, erased, repressed, and deleted. The narcissist vehemently denies that this has ever been said and will be genuinely surprised if proof to the contrary (e.g., recording) were to be produced
If the same girl accepts his invitation to grab a snack during lunch break - the narcissist inflates her acceptance into full scale enthusiasm and a natural reaction to his own irresistibility. In his imagination, her acceptance is tantamount almost to actually having had sex with her. Narcissists are incapable of love. They are incapable of adoring you - so YOU are never adored. They do adore their own reflection in your eyes (narcissistic supply). They don't even see you. You are as good (and as important to them) as a household mirror. Nothing more. You are a replaceable and interchangeable appliance.
Q. Do they experience their addiction to narcissistic supply as love?
A. Impossible to know. When we say "red", "sad", "far", "hot", "pain", or "love"? These are subjective terms. There is no way to prove that any two people refer to the same emotion when they use the word "love".
Q. "Is there a line that makes the "injury" permanent so that a Source of N supply is safe to assume he will never contact them again?
A. "No. The narcissist always comes back when his supply is depleted."
"This fear to let your him out of sight (because he may do something horrible to you) is your abuser's main weapon. Your own imagination is your worst enemy and your prison cell. Children are terrified of monsters UNDER the bed or IN the cupboard - mainly because they cannot see them. As far as they are concerned, sight=control." Remaining in touch with an abuser or stalker only GUARANTEES repeated abuse and stalking. It does not provide you with advance warning or with control over him. | 
