"It is not so easy to get the narcissist out of your system. He is a master at playing on your vulnerabilities, penetrating your defenses, and lodging himself as a voice in your tortured brain."

"Getting away from someone is not a question of geography - it's a question of psychology. Clearly, you don't want to get away from him. You want him to call because you want to succumb. Until you change your mind about succumbing, there is little anyone can do for you." 

"The word "love" is understood by the narcissist to mean "dependence", "neediness", "ability to provide narcissistic supply", "becoming the narcissist's extension and property."

Ignoring them is precisely what drives them up the wall
- and exposes their insanity.

"Narcissists and psychopaths are like complex mechanical toys. If you have the owner's manual, you can make them do anything you want."

"The more helpless the woman - the more dependent she is on the narcissist and the better source of secondary supply she becomes. Narcissists avoid autonomous, strong-minded, accomplished women (unless they can play on their emotional vulnerabilities)."

"There is no "typical victim". Women in all walks of life, wealthy and poor, smart and dumb, tall and short, head turning and less so - all fall prey to abuse."

"The typical narcissist has a short attention span and believes that the world is a random, menacing place. Catch as catch can. Carpe Diem (seize the day). The narcissist lurches at any potential source with a "charm attack" that often, alas, proves irresistible. Very few narcissists are sufficiently cold and calculated to cultivate long-term sources of supply. It's now or never."

"Why is it so important to you to label him? He has clearly been abusive. Isn't this sufficient grounds for decision-making, even without the psychobabble mumbo-jumbo?"

"Narcissists fear intimacy and they dread their deep-buried emotions. They are afraid to lose control. They regard a close, intimate, relationship as a threat and run away from it. You were dumped because you got too close for comfort."

"Why do you let him get to you this way?"

"As an object, you must "play your role". If you deviate from it, the narcissist will force you to 'injure him'. He will force you to act against him. He will torture you until you do and if you don't, he will invent some story (for instance, that you are smothering, unfaithful, controlling, etc.) and dump you. This defense mechanism - forcing others to act their roles in a script - is called "Projective Identification".

"There is no way to predict the longevity of any single relationship. It will last as long as the narcissist wants it to last, as long as he is deriving Narcissistic Supply, and as long as he hasn't found a new, "better", source of supply."

"Why should the narcissist look for another source of supply if the current source of supply is available and always accepts him back? Cultivating a source of secondary narcissistic supply is a VERY time consuming and energy depleting affair. The narcissist always prefers the path of least resistance (reverting to old sources). The old source has the advantage of having witnessed and "recorded" the narcissist's past grandeur. Her very repeated surrender" and "yielding to his charm" IS the narcissistic supply he seeks."

"You should not trust indiscriminately. No one is completely trustworthy in all fields. Most often our disappointments stem from our inability to separate one area of life from another. A person could be sexually loyal �?but utterly dangerous when it comes to money (for instance, a gambler). Or a good, reliable father �?but a womanizer . When they do give - they do so ostentatiously, in order to derive narcissistic supply from admiring onlookers."

"Narcissists are incapable of introspection. This inability to "watch themselves from the outside" is what often gets them into trouble."

"Impregnating the woman is a classic method of "controlling" and "binding" her down. The narcissistic psychopath aware of the shallowness and transience of his own simulated emotions - attributes the same fleetingness to his partner. Saddled with a baby, she is unlikely to vanish on him."

"A source of Narcissistic Supply is rendered "redundant" when the narcissist has found another source of supply. Once this happens, there is little the original - now redundant - source can do. Devaluation and being discarded is inevitable. This is because novelty and conquest are very important to the narcissist. They enhance his sense of omnipotence. He takes old sources for granted and the value he attaches to their narcissistic supply goes down with time."

"Narcissists of all shades can usually control their behaviour and actions. They simply don't care to, they regard it as a waste of their precious time, or a humiliating chore. The narcissist feels both superior and entitled �?regardless of his real gifts or achievements. Other people are inferior, his slaves, there to cater to his needs and make his existence seamless, flowing and smooth."

"Compulsive, reckless, and addictive behaviors are part of pathological narcissism. You cannot heal your narcissist by loving and accepting him. Get over this kind of childish romantic magical thinking."

"A post-mortem of a relationship conducted with a narcissist is very frustrating because it never achieves closure. The narcissist is interested exclusively in allocating blame and generating guilt - not in progressing, developing, atoning, soothing, or concluding anything."

"Inflicting pain on others in a variety of situations bolsters the narcissist's sense of omnipotence."

 

"You can't control his narcissism any more than you can control his breathing. Quit deluding yourself."

 

"Tigers maul. Mosquitoes bite. Somatic narcissists cheat on their spouses and mates. That's what somatic narcissists do."

"Whether he contacts you again or not depends on many issues. What is painful to you may not be "painful" to the narcissist. Painful, to the narcissist, means humiliating, exposing, belittling, demeaning. Whether he contacts you again or not also depends on whether he found a substitute source of narcissistic supply and on whether he thinks that you could supply him in future, even as an auxilliary, "reserve".

"The narcissist feels entitled to and deserving of ever increasing amounts of narcissistic supply. Narcissism is a drug addiction: as doses consumed increase - the impact (elation, "happiness") decreases. The addict needs progressively more to maintain his high. Additionally, it is not realistic to expect the narcissist never to encounter disagreement or criticism. Hence, narcissistic rage and abusive behaviors are inevitable."

"You should treat your mother the way you would treat any other abusive and malignant narcissist in your life. "

"Narcissists get tired of their sources. There is no mathematical formula, which governs this. It depends on numerous variables. Usually, the relationship lasts until the narcissist "gets used" to the source and its stimulating effects wear off OR until a better Source of Supply presents itself."

"Wake up and face it. He is gone. Go on with your life. He is not worth this kind of obsession. No one is. And it won't bring him back to you (for which you should be grateful)."

"Narcissists are compulsively competitive because their grandiose fantasies are unrealistic and unattainable. They must have the last word and the upper hand - or risk experiencing the excruciating grandiosity gap (the abyss between reality and the False Self-image). Emotionally, they cannot afford to be "defeated" and thus "humiliated". Too much rides on it - the very precarious balance of their personality."

"His bouts of periodic generosity have nothing whatsoever to do with you. Whenever he needs to fine tune his wavering sense of self-worth and to buttress his self-image as a giving, caring, and kind person - he is out to buy you a new carpet. You are sources of secondary narcissistic supply - mute witnesses to his largesse and big-heartedness. You are nothing more than that - the human equivalents of tape recorders. The sole justification for your existence is to attest to his magnanimity. Hence also his disappearances (when supply is plentiful). Exasperating, isn't it?"

"Only when the narcissist goes through a massive life crisis (divorce, death in the family, near death experience, bankruptcy, incarceration, abuse, humiliation, exile, etc.) - only then does he begin to reflect on his life and on himself. But, even then, narcissists are interested in getting things "back to how they were" - not in changing."

"Psychopaths have alloplastic defenses. They blame others for their mishaps and failures. You are the focus of his frustration and aggression. If hurting you requires hurting your children - he wouldn't think twice."

"You cannot help a narcissist. Narcissism is a severe personality disorder that requires professional intervention. Even then, the prognosis is very poor."

"Narcissists sniff other people's emotions the way hound dogs sniff blood."

"No contact is no contact, period. An ultimatum is a form of contact. No contact for 30 days may mean contact after 30 days (that's how the narcissist interprets it). Breach of no contact rule is contact. E-mail is contact. I only see a modified form of contact."

Q He has been violent toward me and (our pets) Now that I am held in the completely devalued and dehumanized role by him, he is menacing me everytime he sees me. In the last week he has said rather matter of factly: 1. "You know I'll probably kill you one day" 2. You might be found in a dumpster one day" 3. You deserve to be punched in the face and 4. "I'd like to hit you in the head and hear something crack." My question is, how likely is he to carry out his homicidal ideations?"
A"Get out of there and do it fast and comprehensively. And take his threats very seriously, is my insight, comment, and advice, rolled into one."

Q.Why do Narcissists abandon their efforts in mid-stream, give up, vanish, lose interest, devalue former pursuits, or slump?
A."A challenge, or even a guaranteed eventual triumph - are meaningless in the absence of onlookers. The narcissist needs an audience to applaud, affirm, recoil, approve, admire, adore, fear, or even detest him. He craves the attention and depends on the narcissistic supply only others can provide. The narcissist derives sustenance only from the outside - his emotional innards are hollow and moribund."

Q. I would like to know exactly what our N's were thinking when they first met us.  Did they look at us and think "ah she looks like a good target, I'll try this one and see what happens, let's see what I can get out of her, what can she give me, what can she do for me".
A. Pathological narcissism - the addiction to and pursuit of narcissistic supply to regulate a labile sense of self-worth - is not a conscious CHOICE, or a lifestyle, or a profession. It is the quiddity (the essence) of the narcissist. Do bees plan to sting? Do tigers analyze their hunting patterns? Do mothers love their children by design? It just comes to the narcissist naturally. I see a beautiful woman, who is also reasonably clever - and I want to "convert" her, to make her admire me, to cause her to spread news and views about me and "proselytize" to ever expanding concentric circles of family and friends. This wish is the psychological equivalent of hunger or thirst (or sex drive). It is a craving gradually translated into a plan of action. But first comes the insatiable addiction to narcissistic supply - and only then a cognitive "blueprint" of hunting, conversion and conquest."

"Everything a narcissist does (or refrains from doing) is geared towards one goal: to obtain and secure the flow of narcissistic supply. If slandering you facilitates the flow of narcissistic supply (for instance, by provoking the sympathy and commiseration of his listeners) - he will slander you."

"When you need three years to say goodbye to your ABUSER - something is wrong. It is called codependence and is pathological. Healthy people want to put as much distance as they can between themselves and their source of pain and to do it as quickly as possible."

"If a tiger was somehow miraculously made self-aware and realize that it is a predator - would it stop its predatory behaviors and become a vegetarian???"

"Why don't you just say "good riddance" and throw a party?

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