Advice from the Pros (therapists)�?
"When we truly want to end the relationship, we must pay attention to what we think of ourselves - physically, emotionally, and intellectually, and what are our social opportunities. If we find we don't get good marks in the self-esteem department, or our social opportunities are lacking, that can make us think "a bird in the hand is better than one in the bush". That sort of thinking gets in our way and contributes to a sense of being compelled to maintain this relationship causing us such great emotional discomfort. If you find yourself unable to think about yourself or your situation in alternative ways, a period of counseling may be of use to you."
For Children of Abusers
"Imagine yourself getting into a time machine going back to when you were little and watching as your parent said and did these things to you, what would you want to say to that little child now?"
Professional Therapist
"So, here's how I make sense of this... An N goes to a car dealership. He's heard that Porshes are the BEST cars ever and he simply MUST have one. He searches around and finds the PERFECT one for him. At first, he cherishes his Porsche. It's FABULOUS.
Then, one day, inexplicably to him, the car dies suddenly. He's filled with horror and disappointment. How could this happen? How could his perfect car let him down so? He screams, yells and curses the car. Calming, he restarts and drives home. Frowning, he parks the Porsche and looks at it, unsure if he can ever trust it in the same way again. The possibility of human error - that he himself caused the stall never, I repeat, never occurs to him. Turning, he walks away from the car, deciding to write this one off. Over the course of the next few weeks and months, however, the car stalls repeatedly. He hits the steering wheel, takes it into the dealership, threatens the salesman, the auto mechanic and even swears he'll sue the company!!! Finally, after much tension, periods of swearing his love and affinity for the car intermingled with screaming and cursing, the N decides that he has been mislead. Porsche, in fact, is a shitty, worthless car. He can't believe he ever wanted one in the first place. He starts driving by new dealerships, convinced a BMW or a Lexus is the answer.
The Porsche eventually is sold, for half of its value - sent away - cursed as a failure. The Porsche, however, is not fooled. It still knows it's a Porsche. Everyone else can look at it and see it's a Porsche. Only a few, who are really close to the N and really scared of confronting his reality are convinced the Porsche sucks. Everyone else - especially the Porsche - knows it's still an amazing, fabulous car, and that any issues were related to driver error. Sadly, we are not as smart as Porsche's.
NP's want us BECAUSE we're Porsches... later due to their OWN error we stall and break down. Then they attack us, blame us and say we're really broken down heaps. Really? Then why did they want us in the first place?? Why did they, who are SO consumed with image pick out a P.O.S.? The answer is fairly liberating... they DIDN'T. Because they DON'T. They're weak ego identity can't stand for them to be seen with anything less than a Porsche.
The trick is to remember, when all the driving is over, that we are what we are and they are what they are....
Whenever you're feeling bad, remember what you are... a Porsche - there is NO substitute!"
Below are all responses from a Professional Therapist
Q. "I would like to hear from anyone who has achieved a real relationship after being affected by an N. I love accepting affection but can't start it myself and don't understand why. I know it's all mixed up with the abuse, manipulation and being conditioned long term by someone. I don't know how to break down my own barriers to it and don't understand what the barriers are. It feels like fear, but there's nothing to fear?"
A. "They (defenses) won't give up as long as you think/believe you need them! That's the purpose of them! Why do you think you still need them?? My best guess is once we've been burned by an N, we don't trust ourselves, how we see things and mostly we don't trust ourselves not to get involved with another one.... which gives them SO much power.
Think of it this way - if ONE shark bit you, really bad, you'd be afraid of the water, but to never go in again would be very sad, because the ocean is filled with as many wonderful things as dangerous ones. What you'd need to do is learn all about sharks, educate yourself about their habitat, where they swim, how they feed, what attracts them... and then swim elsewhere!!!
When you're ready, you'll get back in the water!
You can't take responsibility for the feelings of someone you haven't even met yet! All you can do is be open and honest with whomever you choose to date, let them know you've been squashed and need to proceed slowly. Ask them to take care of themselves and then proceed. If they can't take care of themselves, you want to know that, so you can get out. If they can't go slow, you want to know THAT because it means they can't respect your boundaries."
Q. "Help. N just sent me a Happy Birthday text message. I knew he would do that today, but now I don't know what to do." Would I look like I am taking the high road if I reply with Thanks. If I don't reply I look bitter....Please help....
A. "Do not worry about how you seem to an N. He sent you a text, it requires NO response. Maybe you WANT to send him one, due to old feelings or maybe just because you're a nice person and hate to be rude. Either way - even if it's for a million other reasons - what you MUST consider, unfortunately, is how he would perceive the RESPONSE. Not how he'd perceive you, but how he'd perceive the response. Answer: Distortedly. So, the only question that remains is do you want to take a chance at entering into a text relationship with someone who will distort most or all of what you say and do??? I hope you give yourself a real birthday gift and decide NO. But if you don't - we'll be here!"
"To me, he seems to be trying to pull you in with the little boy "I need to find my Daddy" pain. Most people have a hard time resisting a lost child... he's probably counting on you not being able to resist it either. To him - ALL people are a way to meet his needs and help him avoid pain. His children, you, that absent father.... sadly it will never be about the other person. How are you feeling about all of this? How are you handling it? We KNOW what he's likely up to... what we really care about and want to know is how are you doing? What are you interested in? What new pursuits are you after?? Because you are infintely more complex and interesting that your xN."
