Excerpts from Women Who Love Psychopaths
Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm
Authors: Sandra L. Brown, M.A. & Liane J. Leedom, M.D.
Health & Well-Being Publications, LLC
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Women continually ask, “I’m so strong—why would I tolerate this?�?Or “How could someone like me end up in a relationship like this?�?/STRONG>
Almost every psychopath at some point has accused his woman of being just as sick as he is. He is the Master Projector projecting his own pathology onto others. Nearly every woman indicated he had told her that she is the one who is pathological or mentally ill and since she is so sick, no one else would ever want her.
Out of the 75 women we surveyed, only two seemed to have major personality pathology!
Who has more knowledge of psychopathy than the intimate partners of psychopaths? In this book you will see psychopaths through the eyes of women who love them. You may be shocked to discover that many educated and otherwise well-adjusted women get sucked into relationships with men who lack conscience and empathy, true human aliens. We‘ll explain how that happens and what it is like to be in love with a psychopath. We will also look at what happens to the children who are born into the dark world of these relationships.
A psychopath doesn’t enter a woman’s life announcing he is a power hungry, highly sexual man who is incapable of love! Psychopaths present themselves initially as loving, caring, affectionate men because they have learned that approach is the best way to assure themselves of power and sex. Just “who�?are the women who found their soul mates in deceitful psychopaths and why? What makes people “unaware�?of psychopaths? Who are the men that these women fell in love with and how do we know we really surveyed women who love psychopaths? To answer these questions we had to find a large group of women to survey. We surveyed women who found us through the web sites www.saferelationships.com, www.womenwholovepsychopaths. com, and other women’s and self-help web sites. More than 75 women who have had a long term relationship with a psychopath have responded so far and the survey is still ongoing (and will continue on as we proceed in researching these types of relationships). I wanted answers to these questions:
1. Do the women who love psychopaths share a common “profile�?BR>2. Are there risk factors in women’s lives that contributed to them having relationships with psychopaths?
3. Are all the relationship dynamics with psychopaths the same?
4. Is there a general and predictable aftermath of symptoms when the relationship ends?
5. Can we use this information to develop Public Psychopathy Education for all people?
So what will this book teach you?
Learn about the role of intense attachments, fear, and sex in relationships with psychopaths. Answer the age-old question—do psychopaths have attachment and bonding? The answer is not what you think! Understand those “crazy-making�?relationship dynamics that are only seen in pathological love relationships. Is there really “something�?behind how a psychopath lures? And what about that “hypnotic stare�?he uses that melts and freezes at the same time? Learn the fascinating truth about how a woman’s personality strengths and weaknesses may be a great match for the strengths and weaknesses of a psychopath. It is our hope that this book will help the psychopath’s victims understand their unique at-risk status and learn how to safeguard themselves from other predators.
Aren’t all psychopaths simply serial killers or criminals? No, there are many ways to harm others without actually killing them. Some psychopaths are con men or white collar swindlers that steal stock pensions and never get caught. There are millions of pathological personalities that destroy people’s lives (with or without breaking the law), but never go to prison. They are successful; the ones most likely to be seen in high ranking CEO positions, politics, and prestigious positions in law, medicine, and the military. How many psychopaths and sociopaths are out there? Those who aren’t in prison are largely overlooked and so go uncounted. They are roaming freely in your city, sitting next to you in class, and working at your company. Three to four percent of the population or possibly 8 million individuals (6 million men and 2 million women) in the U.S. are “sociopathic enough�?to deserve the title of sociopath!
So why do women end up with psychopaths? Many began relationships with the psychopath at a time when they are impaired from grief, loss, stress, anxiety, or depression. These risk factors made definite contributions to the women’s susceptibility, however they were not the only factors. Loneliness makes women vulnerable, and predators know this. Many of the personal stories of the women revolved around elevated loneliness at the time they met the psychopath. It can’t be emphasized enough that emotional and social needs are key factors in psychopathic hook-ups.
Many of these women had several starts and stops before successfully disengaging and only then, did the real deepening pain of what they lived through begin to soak in. Despite what they experienced at the psychopath’s hands, women were still highly conflicted about leaving with unanswered questions as to what was wrong with him, what they had experienced, or what really happened.
People who are high in excitement seeking hate monotony. One thing is for sure in the psychopath’s women; just like they do not like a boring life, they do not like boring men.
Attraction is often subconscious and feels almost “driven.�?If she is attracted to dominant, excitement seeking, extraverted men, then that’s her “bent.�?However, by nature of “who�?she is attracted to, she will always be fishing in the “pathology�?pond because psychopaths are always dominant, excitement seeking, extraverted who she finds attractive!
Not all dominant men are psychopaths, but ALL psychopaths are dominant. If she likes dominant men, she’ll be more at-risk for hooking up with a psychopath than a woman who does not find dominant men attractive. She needs to understand this as an “attraction risk factor�?for her, dating dominant extraverted men, puts her at risk for ending up with a psychopath.
This free spirit part of her that accepts life as it is, also has the capacity for accepting the lack of order and routine that is in a psychopath’s life. These women can easily tolerate the chaos caused by his way of life and the roller coaster of the inevitable ups and downs. It takes them awhile with the psychopath before they tire of the lack of order and the constant chaos.
Competitiveness as a risk factor. As wonderful as competitiveness is in regular life, her competitiveness however, is a downfall in the relationship with the psychopath. This is because as the relationship begins to become pathologically-driven and his crazy-making increases, instead of running for the hills she is likely to stay and battle it out. She’s not afraid to try to make a point and certainly doesn’t want him to “get one over on her.�?/STRONG>
Women who are sentimental are high in positive sociability. They are likely to focus on the sweet things of the relationship, remembering the time he brought flowers, was kind to a child or dog, or did something extraordinary on their anniversary. Their ability to hyper-focus on the sentimental aspects of the relationship helps the psychopath camouflage his many blunders.
Women who are not motivated to please others in relationships, and are not high in relationship investment (Don’t we call these women “Princesses?�? wouldn’t last two minutes with a psychopath. He wouldn’t want her! Divas and psychopaths don’t mix. Understanding that the psychopath’s power and dominance needs are largely met through relationship investment dynamics, helps women to understand why this trait is a risk factor in the hands of a psychopath.
Her sensitivity to the needs of others, makes her the tenderhearted person that she is. But in a relationship with a psychopath she is likely to over-sympathize with the psychopath’s sad story of woe.
To say, “he wears me out�?is absolutely true. Psychopaths are notorious for their persistence. The more he wears her out emotionally, the less able she is to deal with his confusing and contradictory behaviors. In spite of her exhaustion, she wants to keep the relationship, so she does what he wants, to buy peace at any cost. She has no idea this behavior is costing her everything.
Empathy as a risk factor
Empathy has made her a sensitive partner, a good listener, and a target for psychopaths. She has more empathy than 97% of everyone else, so she can put herself in a psychopath’s shoes with genuine concern. Her empathy is like a drug that the psychopath uses to feed his need for power and dominance. Although she may not realize it, the psychopath doesn’t need her empathy, but uses it to maintain power over her emotions and dominance over the relationship. This could be said for any of her temperament or character traits—they are all tools and weapons in the hand of a psychopath. Just what can too much empathy do in the hands of a psychopath? It can keep her tied to the relationship way past the point of sanity.
The obvious question is, “If she’s empathic why didn’t she know what she was feeling from the psychopath was fake?�?As strong as her quality is as a genuine empath, it is no match for the con artist psychopath. The ability to make an empathic feel strongly about his false stories is probably no more shocking than how psychopaths con psychiatrists and other forensic professionals who are supposed to know what psychopathic behavior is all about. Unfortunately, the psychopath is “smarter than we are empathic�?and he can abuse absolutely any positive trait that will benefit the con he is involved in.
Along with very high scores in empathy, the women scored high in tolerance. Tolerance is the ability to recognize and respect the beliefs or practices of others. It is also related to the ability to endure hardship or pain.
Universally, we found that women who have ended up in relationships with psychopaths or other pathological-types, are women who have very high degrees of trust. However, we would define the kind of trust the women have as “blind trust.�?/STRONG>
Because of her loyalty, intense attachments, and hearty tolerance, the psychopath soon realizes he can count on her devotion to stand with him in the face of great odds. The psychopath realizes even when he is unfaithful, is caught lying, or in other acts of deceit, her loyalty is the consistency he can count on. Her loyalty to a psychopath is treacherous for her own emotional health and is likely to be a contributing factor to the pain she feels today.
When a person has had an experience with pure evil, it is very important to thoughtfully bring goodness back into life. I also exercised daily and occupied my brain doing math and science problems. Exercising the brain to protect it from stress, is just as important as exercising the body.
According to some of the women who were not pre-disposed to other psychopaths (by trauma early in childhood or from parents who were pathological), nothing prepares a woman for a relationship with a psychopathic man, where none of the elements of a healthy relationship are present. Instead, the elements are the opposite of what a woman usually thinks makes a healthy relationship and what she has experienced in the past. Her frame of reference for “what makes a relationship�?is largely related to what she has experienced in prior relationships. She then brings those beliefs and thoughts into the relationship with the psychopath only to find that everything she ever believed, according to him, is wrong. She begins to question her own experiences, beliefs, and thoughts.
The more he ingrains the belief that their relationship is normal, not the other ones she has had, the more she begins to think she is “crazy�?or of what makes a good relationship. Once he convinces her that their something is wrong with her that she doesn’t understand the basics relationship is normal, then he can start to shift her reality further and further off base. He sets up a double bind where she begins to work harder at the pathological relationship (based on her high relationship investment) while he is telling her she just isn’t measuring up and “no wonder she has had no successful relationships.�?The double bind keeps her jumping through his hoops while he sits on the sidelines telling her to jump even higher. The harder she works, the more she fails.
The universe is strangely tilted to the benefit of the psychopaths. For twenty years, Sandra L. Brown, M.A. has watched psychopaths dodge jail, get custody of children, skirt warrants, talk judges into believing them, have women’s attorneys switch sides and represent them, and walk free. Liane J. Leedom, M.D., now realizes that many of the severely depressed women she treated were actually victims of psychopathic men. We have seen women labeled sick, crazy, bad mothers, and overly reactive. Women are violated by the psychopath, violated by the lack of trained professionals to help them, violated by the legal system, and left scarred and numb to wander through life. Unfortunately, at risk children often have a psychopathic father and a scarred mother who is ill equipped to do preventive parenting. The women are then further victimized when their children also grow up to be psychopathic. This is a rather harsh sentence for a woman whose only crime was wanting love and family.
