TOP PICKS Dr. Sam Vaknin, Author Malignant Self Love, Narcissism Revisited- We thank Dr. Sam Vaknin and Lidija Rangelovska, Narcissus Publications for their kind permission to use excerpts. Question: Does the narcissist want to be liked? Answer: Would you wish to be liked by your television set? To the narcissist, people are mere tools, Sources of Supply. Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply and Sources of Supply FAQ 76 http://samvak.tripod.com/faq76.html (Note: members find this a VERY SUCCESSFUL Tactic) How to Leave a Narcissist. The narcissist analyses (and internalizes) everything in terms of blame and guilt, superiority and inferiority, gain (victory) and loss (defeat) and the resulting matrix of narcissistic supply. Narcissists are binary contraptions. Thus, the formula is very simple: Shift the blame to yourself ("I don't know what happened to me, I have changed, it is my fault, I am to blame for this, you are constant, reliable and consistent). Tell him you feel guilty (excruciatingly so, in great and picturesque detail). Tell him how superior he is and how inferior you feel. Make this separation your loss and his absolute, unmitigated gain. Convince him that he is likely to gain more supply from others (future women?) than he ever did or will from you. BUT Make clear that your decision - though evidently "erroneous" and "pathological" - is FINAL, irrevocable and that all contact is to be severed henceforth. And never leave ANYTHING in writing. Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List http://samvak.tripod.com/archive35.html It is difficult to let go of this idealized figure. Relationships with narcissists inevitably and invariably end with the dawn of a double realisation. The first is that one has been (ab)used by the narcissist and the second is that one was regarded by the narcissist as a disposable, dispensable and interchangeable instrument (object). The assimilation of this new gained knowledge is an excruciating process, often unsuccessfully completed. People get fixated at different stages. They fail to come to terms with their rejection as human beings �?the most total form of rejection there is. Mourning the Narcissist FAQ #68 By: Dr. Sam Vaknin http://samvak.tripod.com/faq68.html The narcissist inflicts pain and abuse on others. He devalues sources of supply, callously and off-handedly abandons them, and discards people, places, partnerships, and friendships unhesitatingly. Other People’s Pain http://samvak.tripod.com/journal33.html The abuser perverts the system - therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges. He uses them to pathologize the victim and to separate her from her sources of emotional sustenance - notably, from her children. The abuser seeks custody to pain his ex and punish her. Leveraging the Children �?by Sam Vaknin http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/9128/107024 Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse. Coping with Your Abuser http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse3.html He seeks out his old Sources of Narcissistic Supply when he has absolutely no other NS Sources at his disposal. Narcissists frantically try to recycle their old and wasted sources in such a situation. But the narcissist would NOT do even this had he not felt that he could still successfully extract a modicum of NS from the old source (even to attack the narcissist is to recognise his existence and to attend to him!!!) Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply and Sources of Supply Faq 76 Dr. Sam Vaknin http://samvak.tripod.com/faq76.html "If only he tried hard enough", "If he only really wanted to heal", "If only we found the right therapy", "If only his defences were down", "There MUST be something good and worthy under the hideous facade", "NO ONE can be that evil and destructive", "He must have meant it differently" "God, or a higher being, or the spirit, or the soul is the solution and the answer to our prayers". The narcissist holds such thinking in barely undisguised contempt. To him, it is a sign of weakness, the scent of prey, a gaping vulnerability. He uses and abuses this human need for order, good, and meaning - as he uses and abuses all other human needs. Gullibility, selective blindness, malignant optimism - these are the weapons of the beast. And the abused are hard at work to provide it with its arsenal. The Malignant Optimism of the Abused  http://samvak.tripod.com/journal27.html The abuser mistreats only his closest spouse, children, or (much more rarely) colleagues, friends, and neighbours. To the rest of the world, he appears to be a composed, rational, and functioning person. The Path to Abuse http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse9.html The narcissist is entitled to "special treatment": high living standards, constant and immediate catering to his ever shifting needs, the avoidance of the mundane and the routine, an absolution of his sins, fast track privileges (to higher education, or in his encounters with the bureaucracy). Punishment is for ordinary people (where no great loss to humanity is involved). Narcissists feel that they are above the law. Narcissistic Immunity by Dr. Sam Vaknin http://samvak.tripod.com/faq45.html "People suffering from the full blown, all-pervasive, personality distorting mental health disorder known as the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) - are, indeed, more prone to violence than others. Actually, the differential diagnosis (=the difference) between NPD and AsPD (Antisocial PD, psychopaths) is very blurred." QUESTION Can the Narcissist become Violent? http://samvak.tripod.com/9.html Even the victim's relatives, friends, and colleagues are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor. Others rarely have a chance to witness an abusive exchange first hand and at close quarters. In contrast, the victims are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.�?BR>Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties �?it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem. Narcissism by Proxy, FAQ#42 http://samvak.tripod.com/faq42.html Narcissists have a problem perceiving other people's ability to conceive of ideas, to have their own needs, emotions, and preference. Wouldn't you be startled if your television set suddenly informed you that it would rather not work on a Sunday? Or if your vacuum cleaner wanted to befriend you? To narcissists, other people are instruments, tools, sources - in short: objects. More on this here A Case Study http://samvak.tripod.com/faq16.html The narcissist simply discards people when he becomes convinced that they can no longer provide him with Narcissistic Supply. This is an evaluation, subjective and highly emotionally charged. It does not have to be grounded in reality. Suddenly �?because of boredom, disagreement, disillusion, a fight, an act, inaction, or a mood �?the narcissist wildly swings from idealisation to devaluation. He then "disconnects" immediately. He needs all the energy that he can muster to obtain new Sources of Narcissistic Supply. The Narcissist as Sadist FAQ #56 http://samvak.tripod.com/faq56.html His attitude serves a paramount need: not to be hurt again. The narcissist anticipates his abandonment and, paradoxically, by trying to avoid it, he precipitates it. Maybe he does that on purpose: after all, if he is the cause of his own abandonment �?surely he is in control of his own relationships. To be in control �?this unconquerable drive �?is the direct result of being deserted, neglected, avoided, or abused at an early stage in life. "Never again" �?vows the narcissist �?"If anyone will do the leaving, it will be me." MALIGNANT SELF LOVE NARCISSISM RE-VISITED UNIQUENESS AND INTIMACY http://samvak.tripod.com/msla2.html QUESTION NUMBER 3 - Why does he keep coming back? I keep dumping my narcissist - and he keeps coming back for more. I accept him (can't resist him when he is his charming self). But then things go awry and the cycle repeats itself. Why does he keep coming back? To summarize:Your narcissist keeps coming back and remains fixated on you because he has no free libido to employ in the pursuit of alternative sources. And because you keep accepting him back. http://samvak.tripod.com/3.html The narcissist teams up with his partner because he regards IT as a Source of Narcissistic Supply. He values the partner as such a source. Put differently: the minute the partner ceases to supply him with what he needs �?the narcissist loses all interest in IT. (I use IT judiciously �?the narcissist objectifies his partners, he treats them as he would inanimate objects.) ... if you wish to sever your relationship with the narcissist, stop providing him with what he needs. Do not adore, admire, approve, applaud, or confirm anything that he does or says. Disagree with his views, belittle him, reduce him to size, compare him to others, tell him that he is not unique, criticise him, make suggestions, offer help. In short, deprive him of that illusion which holds his personality together. Article Getting Better The narcissist anticipates his abandonment and, paradoxically, by trying to avoid it, he precipitates it. Maybe he does that on purpose: after all, if he is the cause of his own abandonment �?surely he is in control of his own relationships. To be in control �?this unconquerable drive �?is the direct result of being deserted, neglected, avoided, or abused at an early stage in life. "Never again" �?vows the narcissist �?"If anyone will do the leaving, it will be me." MALIGNANT SELF LOVE NARCISSISM RE-VISITED By: SAM VAKNIN, PhD UNIQUENESS AND INTIMACY http://samvak.tripod.com/msla2.html