Closure

by Lynn

That elusive closure that survivors almost universally seek is most likely not ever going to be found by looking to the Narcissist.  There are a couple of reasons for that.  First, a mature resolution to a relationship requires both people to respect each other and validate the other's feelings leaving each person's dignity in tact.  In other words, it usually consists of an empathetic exchange that includes validation.  That isn't a Narcissist's forte.  Secondly, a Narcissist generally doesn't want to provide closure in the sense of closing a door on a relationship.  How then could be come back and seek out supply again someday in the event he needs it. So, clearly, that's not the direction one ought to be looking for closure.

Rather than looking to him or even to what you can do immediately to find it for yourself then, perhaps the first step is to try identifying what the feeling is you envisioned getting from that closure.  (Reference:  Dr Phil article below) It could be a number of things. For me, I wanted validation that it wasn't all me. I wanted some recognition that I had some impact, some influence, or that I made some kind of difference in the Narcissist's life.  I wanted recogntion of my hurt. Of course, none of that ever happened.

In terms of satisfying the need for closure then, while it might seem logical to go to the person causing your pain for some recognition of it, asking the Narcissist to recognize his role in your pain is like asking a mosquito to apologize for biting you.  It's just what Narcissists do.  They generally don't apologize because they don't admit they've done anything wrong.  
 
I think we all have a need for resolution, for feeling like we've assigned a satisfying meaning to our experiences, regardless of how painful, and made sense of them before we can close the book on that chapter of our lives.  I think we naturally yearn for a beginning, middle, end, and a moral of the story. In my opinion there is no inherent meaning to be found in the suffering we experience at the hands of a narcissist.  It's just what it is.  It's pain inflicted through interacting with a disordered person and there is no amount of reasoning  in the world that makes sense of that or their thinking or of their 'feelings' about us in retrospect.  The meaning is going to come from what we each assign to the experience ourselves and that doesn't come from making sense out of the Narcissist and what he felt or what he thinks.  It comes from what we decide to do with the experience; what we find out about ourselves that may have led us here; and what meaning we individually assign to the suffering going forward, not looking back.  I choose to use the experience to introspect, to grow, to give back, and to alleviate suffering if I can.  At least that's my goal.
 
Closure for me was a journey to acceptance, a realization that even though my life has changed irrevocably because of this experience in some ways, it need not define me and it never truly did.  I did not ever deserve to be treated as if I had no meaning, not by anyone.  I refuse to let it change me, though, or harden me, or make me into what he would have me be.  I can dress this wound myself.  I can figure out how to dig down and find the resilience I need to rise up again.  It's up to me to decide whether I'm going to use this experience as an excuse or rather, as a way to live a better life.  The N has nothing to do with that and he gets no credit for it, either. If I tried to give that relationship meaning, it would diminish all the true and wonderful relationships in my life anyway.

The following few lines are simple, but may be of some help.

You loved him and he hurt you without remorse.
There is no sense to that.
It was wrong.
He was wrong.
You didn't deserve it.
That choice was never about you.
It was about him.

That's the closure most survivors would want could they have it, I would guess:  to hear that very thing.  You won't hear it from him, you may not get anyone else to recognize it who knows him.....but that doesn't mean it isn't true.  And you can tell yourself the truth even when nobody else can.  When you believe it, that's when you can begin working on you.
 
Someday, you will see him for what he was and is: nothing more than shadow.  His significance in your life will diminish and yours will blossom as you will realize that you are so much more than anything that has happened to you, including the unnecessary pain and devastation you've felt at his hands.  Make your own meaning from this.  He doesn't get to define this for you.  You have much to give and a lot of people who would welcome whatever that is with open arms and grateful hearts.  That's what you deserve.  We all do.
Lynn
http://groups.msn.com/AtTheEndOfTheSky/closure.msnw

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Closure:  Minimal Effective Response by Dr. Phil

"Getting emotional closure means that you can "close the book" on your situation and its associated pain. You can put that book of pain on the shelf and you will no longer have to take it down and read from it on a daily basis."