However, the capacity for observing yourself and working on these characteristics is the critical distinction between having narcissistic traits and the full-blown disorder. In my private practice, I am quite familiar with the tendency for self-reflective individuals to see themselves in a multitude of psychological descriptions and quickly become alarmed. The simple fact that you may be concerned about having some of these problems is a genuine indicator that you have an overall healthy sense of self.

If the NPD individual has decided that you are a person worth pursuing, he will attempt to draw you into his arena, inspiring you and causing you to lose track of your own agenda and priorities. The NPD individual is compulsively driven to come out ahead in relationships and employs a number of strategies in this pursuit. The behaviors that accomplish this outcome have a variety of forms, but generally fall into one of the following nine types: Admiration/Idealization; Martyr/Guilt; Intimidation�?Distraction, Devaluing, Repetitive Criticism; Double Message/Double Bind�?Projection: and Emotional Hostage. If you are in pain because you are discovering that your partner has a number of the narcissistic traits we have discussed, you are probably in one of two stages: The first stage if one of shock, hurt, and confusion about your partner's temper or his/her cold detachment alongside the unexpected barrage of criticisms vented towards you. You are undoubtedly soul searching and appealing to your partner to understand what has brought about such hurtful and demeaning treatment. The second stage is one of accommodation. In this stage you have learned to negotiate your way around the land mines of his/her temper and critical attacks by avoiding any interaction and communication that you fear will cause conflict. Perhaps the tempest of these defensive behaviors have calmed down because you have 'backed off' and lowered your expectations of this relationship considerably.

The more days, months, or years you have invested in a relationship with an NPD person, the more difficulty you will have recognizing that you are on a one-way street, with all the attention, support, and recognition going the other way �?his way! Your confusion and self-doubt are important warning signals that you may be encountering someone who has a narcissistic personality disorder. Your involvement with the NPD individuals is characterized by an ever-increasing effort to please and gain approval. However, like the Wizard, the narcissist’s approval is rarely given. Instead, you are more likely to see the unpredictable anger and rage over the smallest infraction or mistake.

Great sensitivity to criticism, or intolerance of anything perceived as less than a perfect performance, can cause the NPD individual to unleash an outburst of sharp and hurtful rage. At times these experiences leave you feeling helpless, unable to do anything but crawl off to a corner to figure out what happened. Over time, these behaviors insidiously lower your self-esteem and set you on a path of consistent and increasing self-doubt.

The narcissist is never the person he appears to be in the public sphere.

When you are involved with an NPD person, you may continue to tell yourself that things will eventually even out �?that you will get your turn, and when the time does come, he or she will be there for you, too. Yet, as you tell yourself these things, you continue to ignore all the clues. Then, an event in your life focuses the spotlight on you, and you are shocked and disappointed by {N's} behavior.

If we have experienced certain types of wounding in childhood, we are more vulerable to this type of attraction - the attraction to the grandiose self of the narcissistic individuals. Similar to the narcissist, we seek a substitute to compensate for our feelings of inadequacy. However, unlike the narcissist, we find this substitute through our attachment to the grandiose self in someone else. If you are codependent in this relationship, you are on the opposite side of the coin, gaining your sense of self through your ability to support and be an indispensable part of another person's world.

The narcissist's belief that you, too, are special because he has selected you to associate with him is the other compelling force at work. In fact, who isn't vulnerable to the warming flow of admiration, especially from someone with such apparent personal power? If we add that you also admire him for his accomplishments, or that he is able to facilitate your goals, the charm of the NPD person may indeed be irresistible!

Behind the scenes of this heady experience is the insidious conditional expectation of the narcissist. As he lavishes you with his attention, opportunities for special status, or financial enhancement, he also induces you into a sense of obligation and disproportionate loyalty. His expectations for the return on his investment will eventually be clear. Setting limits on his unrealistic expectations will be greatly influenced by your ability to keep track of your boundaries in the relationship.

At the beginning of a romantic relationship, the NPD individual is often the pursuer with an ardent intent to capture you -- the idealized perfect partner. Whether the pursuit is subtle or direct, the NPD individual will not rest until he secures his goals for the relationship. You may literally be swept off your feet by his adoration and intensity. This initial phase of the relationship, which is characterized by the NPD person's idealization of you, will be followed by a subtle or not so subtle 'turning of the tables" once the relationship is secured.