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Nina Brown - Top Picks
Excerpts: Loving the Self Absorbed - How to Create a More Satisfying Relationshp with a Narcissistic Partner
by Nina W. Brown, Ed LPC NCC
Abbreviations DNP - Destructive Narcissistic Person If you are convinced, or feel reasonably certain that you are in a relationship with a destructive narcissist, you may be tempted to do all or any of the following
Tell your partner that he or she is a destructive narcissist.
Confront your partner about their behavior and attitudes.
Leave this book where you partner can see it with the hope that they will read it and see what they are doing.
Give your partner the book and tell them to read it, since it’s about them.
Do not do any of the above, or anything similar. Here is why these acts are not helpful. Persons with a destructive narcissist pattern cannot see the behaviors and attitudes they exhibit as you and others perceive them. They are unaware of the impact on you, and are well defended against knowing. Further, your attempts to make them aware or get through to them will fail, and will be perceived as threats to their core essential self. This will bring out their defenses for protection. The defenses are likely to be hostile, aggressive, strong and immediately available to them, so that they are able to attack and mount a strong counteroffensive in a nanosecond. You generally do not win or make any headway, and can find yourself in a worse position than before. Taking Care of Others.
Do you have a strong need or desire to take care of others, especially those who are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves? Do you rush to soothe when others become upset, or go out of your way not to do or say things that might get them upset? ... You are overly caring for others and are putting yourself in a position to be exploited and manipulated. You may have an unconscious, faulty assumption that others are relying on you for their well-being, but this is seldom the case for adults. Attending
Boundary strength is what protects you from external assaults, such as projections, and from internal assaults such as having guilt and shame triggered. One quick and simple step you can institute is to reduce the times when you are attending to your parnter. These include:
Don't allow eye contact
Orient your body away from her
Put slightly more physical space between the two of you, and pay only partial attention.
Save the full attending for those times when communications are more satisfying and pleasant. Make a practice of not attending fully until you are sure which way the interaction is heading. What can you do when facing criticism or blame? ...For the immediate future, you can do one or more of the following:
Employ your emotional insulation
Appear to agree with the comments
Deflect the course of the conversation
Refuse to react with hurt or shame
Say you'll do better next time
Focus your thoughts on your strengths
Withdraw
Think about something else. Don't get mired in the distressing feelings that were aroused and don't openly expressiour feeling sof guilt and shame. That will only reinforce your partner's negative perceptions and comments. Destructive narcissists categorized as "Manipulative" are particularly prone to use misleading statements and lies. Do they know they are lying? Yes. But, they feel they have the right touse any means available to achieve their ends. Further, some will have an assumption, much like that of "Suspicious" narcissists, that everyone is lying, and thus lying is fair play.... Unfortunately, the only strategies that will help you are those that require you to become suspicious and disbelieving. You cannot trust that your partner is truthful or accurate, and you have to be skeptical and verify their accuracy. Do Not Confront
Regardless of how you define confronting, it is in your best interest to make a practice of not confronting your DNP. You've probably tried it in the past, and it did not work to your benefit or satisfaction. The truth is, it will never work. Acceptance
Your situation will become more tolerable if you can bring yourself to accept your partner as is. This may seem trite and redundant, but part of your distress comes from unsuccessful attempts to change your partner. Abandonement and Anxiety
This is a deep-seated fear that never goes away, but can be controlled. Your partner may manifest this fear by becoming very anxious when you are unavailable... Your major strategy will be to recognize and accept that your partner has this deep-seated fear and need and that neither you nor anyone else can do enough to eliminate them... Your needs and feelings are also important. Try to give as much as you can, but stop at the point when you feel that what is being asked of you is an imposition. Maintain Harmony
When you give in just to maintain harmony, you are doing yourself a disservice by subjugating your believes, values, principles and even your best self-interest. Reading Signals
Are you constantly alert to nonverbal signals that provide clues to what others want or need, in an effort to make sure you don't miss anything? Do you try to read others and anticipate their wishes? Is this behavior such a part of you that you are not fully aware of it? Being Helpful
The important point for this item is the part about seeking out ways to be helpful. In other words, you are not just helpful, you look for ways to be helpful... You do not allow others to solve their own problems. You rush to provide assistance because of your need to be helpful. Your hungry DNP are capitalize on your feelings and assumptions and induce guilt and shame by even a suggestions that you did not do what you were supposed to do; that is, seek out ways to be helpful to him. You may want to try an experiment and wait for your help to be requested. Sensitive to Criticism
You may be so sensitive to criticism that you jump to respond defensively whenever your partner criticizes you. Sad to say, but you will never find a way to prevent or eliminate your partner's criticizing remarks. No matter what you do, changes you make or attempts to make will make her aware of the hurt you experience when criticized. Your partner will continue to make these critizing remarks. Your reaction only contribute to your distress. Instead of trying to get your partner to stop criticizing you, you may find it more helpful to explore your reactions and make changes there. Building your self can help you be less sensitive and hurt when criticized. People with DNP have their personal needs as a top priority at all times. They are considerably self-absorbed, cannot imagine being any other way, and are convinced that everyone else is just as they are... If you are in a relationship with a manipulative DN you have encountered your partner's cheating, lying, distorting and misleading. Your partner sees nothing wrong with these behaviors and attitudes, and is not about to change. Your confrontations and challenges do not work. You may be at the point where you are very frustrated, don't know what to believe or expect, and are at a a loss to know what to do about it. Talking out your concerns with your partner does not work. You really need to come to terms with the reality of your relationshipo and your partner's behaviors and attitudes. Your partner is unlikely to change. This is a hard concept to acknowledge and accept, but it is the reality. You probably become deeply disappointed each time you are faced with your partner's cheating, lying, distorting, and misleading. There may also be some frustration, anger, dismay, and hurt that your partner would treat you this way. However, these are your responses, and these you can work to change. "Putting Something Over"
Pulling the wool over someone's eyes and putting something over on someone describe the behaviors of conniving, manipulative DNs. These people are dedicated to taking advantage of others in any way possible in their search for reassurance or their superiority. They revel in their successes and can become very angry and hurt if you suggest that there is anything wrong in the tactics they use to achieve their goals... Unless you want to spend all or a considerable amount of your time thwarting your partner's efforts to put something over on you, you cannot win in this situation. You would have to be constantly alert, read ambiguous signals, gather a lot of useless information, and be ready to spring into action, but would still be unable to forestall or eliminate having something put over on you. Your best strategy is to understand that this need is really a cry for reassurance and that your partner will never receive sufficient reassurance to stop this behaviour. Don't comfort, chide, or try to show your partner another perspective. These behaviors just reinforce her need for reassurance. The best you can do is to protect yourself from any negative feelings that you may experience when your partner puts something over on you. Caring for Others
You may have this faulty assumptions that if you care for others, then they will care for you... What can you do? It could be helpful to give up the fantasy that if you care for someone, they will then care for you. It's nice when that happens, but letting go of the fantasy and expectations can give you a more realistic perspective... A little detachment and rational thought can do wonders. Trusting Others
If trusting others to have your best interest at heart is one of your characteristics, you are leaving yourself open to disappointment, hurt, manipulation, and other dangers. Underdeveloped Narcissism
You may have some aspects of yourself that reflect underdeveloped narcissism, although these may not reach the level and extent to be categorized as a DNP. Even if you have a few of these, you can work to increase your healthy adult narcissism | 
