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TOP PICKS - Sandy Hotchkiss
Excerpts Why is it Always About You?
The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism
By Sandy Hotchkiss, LCSW
We sense that these people are emotionally shallow, and we may think of them as thick-skinned, sure of themselves, and aloof. Then, all of a sudden, they may surprise us by reacting to some minor incident or social slight. When shaming sneaks past the barriers, these "shameless" ones are unmasked for what they really are - supremely shame-sensitive. That is when you will see a flash of hurt, usually followed by rage and blame. When the stink of shame has penetrated their walls, they fumigate with a vengeance. Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissists and the inability to process shame in healthy ways - to face it, neutralize it, and move on as healthier individuals do - leads to the characteristic postures, attitudes, and behaviour of the Narcissist. One of the best ways to cope with Narcissists is to avoid becoming very involved with them in the first place. And when you can’t avoid them, try to limit your involvement and surround yourself instead with healthier people who are capable of give-and-take relationships. Why are they so prominent among our elected officials, sports idols and entertainment figures where we pump them up at our own expense? Why do they head large corporations and lead flocks of the faithful? Why do women swoon over arrogant men and men worship vain, shallow women? What makes us vulnerable to the seductive allure of the Narcissist is our own need for inflation. If our self-esteem is a little shaky, if there is something missing from our lives, the Narcissist can offer a potent antidote. The N may be intimidating, mesmerizing, even larger-than-life, but beneath the bombast or the charm is an emotional cripple with the moral development of a toodler. Do not tolerate unacceptable behavior in your own or other people’s children. In the case of the latter, you may need to invoke other parents or outside authorities to protect yourself and your children. Don’t hesitate to do so, even if you don’t believe you’ll be effective. Instead of hitching your wagon to the star of a Narcissist, find your own dream. No matter how exciting they seem to be, steer clear of Narcissists and the unreality that surrounds them. The more you get caught up in their fantasies, the more you lose yourself. There is always someone who is better, brighter, more beautiful, more successful more anything-you-can-think-of. The fact that no one is perfect is of little comfort to Narcissists, however, because they see themselves as the exception to this natural law. Their challenge is to find a way to stay pumped up inside in order to hold these harsh realities at bay. The methods they typically employ involve a considerable amount of distortion and illusion, what psychologists call “magical thinking�? When you interact with these individuals, their distortions of reality can cause you to question yourself and doubt your own perceptions. Their shamelessness, arrogance and sense of entitlement can make you angry and resentful. The way they deal with envy may cause you to feel diminished, and their rage, exploitations and poor interpersonal boundaries may leave you feelings frightened, helplessly vulnerable, or even violated How you react to a Narcissist is largely determined by your previous encounters with such characters. If one or both of your parents were very narcissistic, if you were subjected to significant taunting or shaming by a sibling, if you were a shy or passive child who was exploited or abused by other children, or if you’ve had intimate relationships or job circumstances wherein your trust has been violated or you’ve felt used by Narcissists, then you may be more sensitive than people who have not had these experiences. Our social history from the very beginning teaches us what to expect from others and how we are to feel about ourselves. That is why our number one tool for dealing with the Narcissist is to examine our own experiences and recognize how our reactions contribute to our discomfort. The goal is to understand what is happening and interrupt the process to protect ourselves. This is easier said than done. If being part of their lives makes our own seem fuller or more exciting, we may choose to pay the price or deny that there even is one. When this happens, we may end up sacrificing ourselves to an illusion that leaves us ultimately empty and bruised. When you enter the web of the Narcissist, you leave yourself behind. Narcissists are people who never learned to make it on their own. Excerpt for their fantasies of perfection, envy of others who have what they lack, and unacknowledged fears of humiliation, they are empty on the inside. They have no real Self to bring to a relationship with another person, but they desperately need someone else to join them in their emptiness and help them maintain emotional equilibrium. The ideal candidate is someone willing to become an extension of the Narcissist’s fragile ego, to serve as an object of admiration, contempt, or often enough both. The sign over their door ought to read ”Abandon Self All Ye Who Enter Here.�?/P> The person who submits to the tyranny of a Narcissist often appears to be an enigma. Why would anyone choose, repeatedly and perpetually to offer him- or herself as fuel for another’s consuming need for inflation, and at such a price? Why would someone sacrifice Self so completely for “love�? The nickel answer to this question is that he or she has been programmed to self-effacement and self-abasement by earlier life experiences. Perhaps he had a narcissistic parent and learned to feel worthy only when meeting that person’s needs. Subsequent relationships that recreate the original dynamics seem to offer the possibility of a different outcome. “This time I will be loved for myself,�?he hopes, But it’s not in the cards. A somewhat more sophisticated explanation is that in having learned to submit, she has figured out how to exert some power in an otherwise powerless situation, providing a fleeting sense of strength and control. There are only two kinds of people of any use to Narcissists; those who can pump them up and those whom they can put down.
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