The courage of your convictions
"to do or say what you think is right no matter who disagrees with you."

"As we learn about mental illnesses and disorders we learn a lot about ourselves along the way."
from an older archived Canadian Mental Health document

If you are involved with a mentally disordered person, learn as much as you can as fast as you can, and protect yourself financially, emotionally (and often physically too!)

Awareness
We realize we’ve been abused and betrayed. We've been systematically targeted, deceived by their false mask of sanity. We don’t deserve this. We wonder where that wonderful person went. We seem to be living with Jekyll and Hyde. Well, we are. Grab your computer, library card, pen and paper and learn about these predators. We've never known anything about these predators before. Your knowledge will be your strong suit. If you are thinking of trying to educate, help, cure, 'love it out of him,' reverse, change, plead, bargain or negotiate with this abuser we quickly realize it’s futile and exactly how he wants us to react. We finally comprehend they have a problem we can't fix. Abusers are master craftsmen at targeting our caring/nurturing instinct. If you’ve been trying this, accept the inevitable failure of these attempts. Quit doing it. Accept the reality. He is what he is.

Be Realistic
Their personality traits are so deeply ingrained the cycles of abuse, bad judgment and inability to cope in a close relationship will continue throughout their lives. We mourn the loss of memories of small laughs and shared experiences. Our slow-healing emotional scars cause us to doubt and question the truth of this ugly reality. We are merely disposable objects to them, and that is incomprehensible to us.

Ground Rules
The abuser will certainly react to our use of boundaries. Violence is possible. Setting ground rules as we transform from being their target to taking control of our lives is important. Being tactful, fair and unyielding in our decisions and expectations will go a long way to boosting our self esteem and ending the abuse. Refuse to be a victim. Don't be a willing particpant in your own abuse.

Take the Pain
The process of 'leaving and grieving' is emotionally devastating and lengthy. Get therapy to help. Join a support group to reinforce the fact that you are not alone in this. You are not a victim in this situation, you were targeted. Don't expect other people to understand what you have been coping with. Without having their own experiences with disordered partners, they cannot fully understand and they won't be able to offer the emotional support you need at this time. You will be disappointed if you expect their emotional support. Our emotions will be on a rollercoaster. We have many times when we doubt ouselves, and question the reality. We can expect good and bad days, obsessive thinking, thoughts of revenge and justice. When we're angry, we punch a pillow. Keep a journal, it's wonderful therapy. Surround ourselves with normal people. We need to be firm with ourselves too. We need to ditch that 'if only' or need-for-closure thinking that keeps us hooked wanting to see what's happening in their lives. We need to accept the necessity to detach and be strong to resist the urge to reconnect with them. Time is our best friend. If we do reconnect with this abuser, treat it as a learning opportunity. Be easy on yourself. Enjoy the small treats life has to offer. You deserve it. Continued contact with any abuser is dysfunctional behaviour and professional therapy is needed.

Self-impose a “No Contact�?rule.
One of our strongest tools to recover is the power that comes from our self discipline and silence. We need to separate and distance ourselves physically, emotionally and verbally. Time and distance have a wonderful way of bringing clarity to the situation. It’s the fastest way to heal. These abusers will leave us in the most emotionally crushing way. They choose the timing and they inflict great emotional devastation, and they enjoy doing it. They take what is near and dear to us and crush it as they casually walk away. In time we realize the relationship was doomed to failure, but we don't realize that until later. We will undergo a paradigm shift in changing our ways of thinking about our situations and a painful change of our expectations.

The Nature of the Beast
An abuser is not going to make the end of a relationship easy. If you're one of the lucky ones, he'll cut you off cold and you'll never hear from him again. In all probability he'll enjoy watching you squirm as long as he can. He’ll flaunt his new 'soulmate' under your nose. He’ll have her convinced you’re a demon who has gone over the edge, but you know she’s being deceived. He’ll say nasty things about you to anyone he can find. He’ll fight you tooth and nail for every nickel. He’ll try and turn the kids and everybody else against you. He’ll stalk and harass and could become violent. You’ll be having a hard time just coping with the loss of the relationship, let alone the other darts he’ll throw.

He will try to drawn you into the relationship over and over and will only give up when it's easier to target somebody new. Don't allow yourself to think that "he's reaching out because he cares" - that's what he wants you to think and he will be counting on your gullibility.

Self Analysis
Now we’re faced with another beast. Ourselves. When the relationship ends, our self esteem is crushed, we feel humiliated, and we’re setting our feet on a path we never expected. Out of the chaos is the realization that we may have traits that make us vulnerable to these predators. We may be psychologically dependent on the need to have someone, even an abuser in our lives. We may be ashamed to admit our partners turned abusive. We may find we’re nurturers who have given ‘til it hurts. Often we find we’re naïve, vulnerable and easily deceived or drawn to these types. We may have addictive behaviours or too high a tolerance for bad behaviour. Or, we may be addicted to the drama. We may learn we were raised in homes we once thought as normal to find we’re preconditioned to accepting bizarre behaviour, or we look the other way because we grew up looking the other way. We may find we have our own personality disorders, or mental health issues. As we learn about mental illnesses we will learn a lot about ourselves too.  Seek professional therapy - a very strong tactic - for ourselves. 

We are now the rare individuals with first-hand knowledge of these flesh and blood human impersonators. Well, there’s no such thing as bad knowledge. Down the road, we emerge from this experience a lot smarter and more self aware. Most of us find we function best where we can put our nurturing helping talent to good use. Be good to yourself and carefully pick those who deserve your special talents and abilities. There is a wonderful world waiting out there -- far away from those who would target you. 

Next Time?
We will no longer be naive and trusting. We'll take our knowledge of these abusers and learn a few red flags and where their favourite hunting grounds are. We'll pay more attenton to our gut instincts and put any relationships on hold while we watch for more signs, determine the reality of the situation, and we'll protect ourselves more. Being aware of our vulnerabilities will make us a whole lot smarter next time we run into one of them. Yes, we will. Beyond a doubt, we’ll see more of them in the future. The hell you’ve survived will pay off now. You’ll be able to spot one of these fast-talking, smooth-walking con artists and we'll be armed to the teeth with an ability to avoid them and protect ourselves. But, can we always spot them? Of course not. We’re already vulnerable and they can fake and charm their way into anyone’s heart. When we begin to detect the cracks in their behaviour, we'll know to move quickly to escape. The precious gift we give ourselves will be our own self sufficiency. Taking charge of our lives will bring the reward of Peace of Mind.

"Peace of mind comes from not wanting to change others."
Gerald Jampolsky

We have used the male gender. Your abuser could be female. You may freely use and copy this page for personal (non-commercial) use.