The Process of Victimization
For a long time, I wondered why manipulation victims have a hard time seeing what really goes on in manipulative interactions. At first, I was tempted to fault them. But I've learned that they get hoodwinked for some very good reasons.
The Perfect Victim
"Janice's gut was telling her she was being abused but Bill hadn't done anything overtly cruel to her. So, she didn't grant legitimacy to her feelings. Her anger was soon overshadowed by her customary feelings of guilt. As a result, she came to see Bill as only a victim and not a manipulator. As she goes back for more of the same, her guilt will pass but feelings of frustration and sadness will soon rise. It's an endless, vicious cycle that she's been through many times.
Bill uses the manipulative tactic of playing the victim role with consummate precision. He knows how to engender sympathy and invite others to feel like the bad guy for 'deserting' him in his hour of need. And Janice has all of the right personality characteristics to fall for this tactic hook, line and sinker. She hates to think of herself as the bad guy. She doesn't like to hurt anyone. In fact she's one of those caretakers who's much more concerned about everyone else's we;fare than her own. When she thinks sh3's being selfish, she's riddled with guilt and shame. So, when Bill combines the tactics of playing the victim with some guilt-tripping and shaming techniques, Janice is ready to take the fall.
Bill is also expert at externalizing the blame for his behavior. He asserts that he only cheats and has rages when he's drinking and that he only drinks when Janice emotionally neglects him. He has the perfect scapegoats: Janice and booze. The only thing more destructive than the fact that Bill incessantly scapegoats is the fact that Janice often buys into this ploy."
The Slot Machine Syndrome
There's a syndrome that can develop in abusive, manipulative relationships that prompts a victim to stay even when they've often thought about leaving. First, there's the appeal of the jackpot. People often jump at the chance to get a lot of something that's very valuable to them for what initially appears a very small investment. Second whether or not you will get anything for your efforts depends only on the degree to which you are willing to 'respond' (behaviorists call this a ratio schedule of reinforcement). Third, every now and then a 'cherry' (or some similar small jackpot) appears and you 'win' a little something. This reinforces the idea that your investment is not for naught and that 'winning' a larger payoff is really possible if you just keep investing.
Fourth, after you've been worn down by the machine's 'abuse' and are tempted to walk away, you're faced with a most difficult dilemma. If you leave, you leave behind a substantial investment. You not only have to walk away from your 'abuser' but from a huge chunk of yourself. To disengage with nothing to show for your time and energy but a broken spirit is hard to do. You're tempted to delude yourself by saying "If I just put in one more dime.."
The bottom line in abusive relationships.
An attendee at one of my workshops asked me why, if Bill wasn't at least to some degree co-dependent on Janice, he fought so hard to not lose her. My answer was that Bill, as an aggressive personality simply hates to lose. Losing means giving up a position of dominance and power. And in whatever relationship he is involved, Bill seeks to be on top and in control. In any abusive relationship, the other person is never the real object of the aggressor's desire, the position is. Every time Janice feels empowered enough to even think about leaving, the balance of power is upset. That's when Bill goes to war. He doesn't fight to keep the woman he loves, wants or needs. He fight to stay on top.
Vilifying the Victim �?This tactic is frequently used in conjunction with the tactic of playing the victim role. The aggressor uses this tactic to make it appear he is only responding (i.e. defending himself against) aggression on the part of the victim. It enables the aggressor to better put the victim on the defensive.
Avoid Fighting Losing Battles
People who are frequently victimized by manipulators tend to be too confused, frustrated and depressed to think clearly or act rationally. The depression they experience results from the same behaviour that I believe is a significant factor in most depressions. That is, whenever we persist at fighting a battle we can't possibly win, a sense of powerlessness and hopelessness ensures that eventually results in depression. The 'losing battle' manipulation victims often fight in trying to make the manipulator change. They get caught in the trap of constantly trying to figure out just what to do or do to get their manipulator to behave differently. They invest considerable energy trying to make something happen they haven't the power to make happen. Fighting this losing battle inevitaly breeds anger, frustration, a sense of helplessness, and eventually, depression. Once depressed, manipulation victims don't have the presence of mind or the energy it takes to stand up for themselves.
Some professions, social institutions and fields of endeavor provide great oportunities for covert-aggressive personalities to exploit others. Politics, law enforcement and religion are some prime examples.
