Below are what the survivors on this site did in order to escape their abusive relationships or wish they had done with hindsight. We're not professionals, we're not experts, we're survivors of Ps or Ns, who at worst left with the shirts on our backs, and at best managed to keep what was ours. We never gained - you never do with a P/N relationship. Our stories are all different, yet all the same. There is one thing that our Ps tried to take but never did - they never stole our souls. We hope that you will find some information here to help you escape. You may be in an urgent situation and have to run right now, or you may have a little time. We have all been where you are now, and this page is designed to make it easier for those survivors who will be joining us on the "other side of P hell" soon. God Bless, You Can Do It.

FIRST THING YOU MUST CONSIDER IS YOUR PERSONAL SAFETY AND THAT OF YOUR CHILDREN. NEVER COMPROMISE YOUR WELFARE.

ESCAPING AN ABUSIVE PARTNER

If you are in a situation that is violent, do not hesitate to leave immediately, take your children and pets and go.
1] Phone Police for assistance, if you are the one leaving the home - go now. If he is being removed get police names and badge numbers, file statement/report. Be as cool, and calm as you can. It will be hard at this point, but the more dignified and collected we appear, the more credibility we have. Leave P/N to rant and rave.
2] Secure somewhere for you and your children to stay. Check out your local Domestic Violence Centre - they have a wealth of support available for leaving violent abusers/can find temporary accommodation if necessary/assist with legal support/some provide counseling, others just listen. Some shelters take pets. Most areas have financial help and job training services available to victims - find out what's available and go after it. That's why we pay taxes - to help you!
3]Get a Restraining Order as soon as possible, ask for No Contact. This will help to deter P from contacting you.
4]Leave when he is not there and you know to the best of your ability that he will not be back. DON'T CONFRONT.
5] Let someone you trust know where you will be - the fewer the better - for your safety and theirs.
6] Keep records; Journal all abuse, get injuries documented by a doctor (helps your case in legal matters). Take pictures of abuse, damage to home etc.
7] Make an escape bag, keep your documents, change of clothes, children’s items, address book, anything personal that you wish to take.
8] It is so important having left, to keep to NO CONTACT. Its the only way to ensure your safety and healing. You must make that decision honestly and mean it. "But I do" you say...

INTRODUCING SID - SEEMINGLY IRRELEVANT DECISIONS

Seemingly Irrelevant Decisions are the first ones of a series of decisions that we may choose to make, that lead us further and further into danger, and off the original path we set off on. Here’s an example:

You're on a diet and you're in the store, wanting to buy some fruit and vegetables. There are two ways to reach the fruit and veg counter. One is past the pet food, the other is past the sweets and chocolates. Which way are you going to go? IT IS AT THIS POINT THAT THE CHOICE YOU MAKE HERE WILL INFLUENCE THE OUTCOME OF YOUR ORIGINAL DECISION. Will you go past the pet food, get the fruit and veg, buy it and go home happy, or will you go past the sweets and chocolates and be seduced into buying a large bar "What's the harm, its only one bar", eat it on the way home, think "What the heck" and "Pig Out" all night, go to bed feeling fat and bloated. In the morning wake up feeling ashamed that we broke our diet - that drives us to the biscuit barrel and suddenly your dreams of dieting are going downhill in a handcart. Somewhere in the back of our mind, we knew if you went down the sweets aisle, you would give ourselves permission to buy that chocolate, but you overlook that fact and chose to go the "dangerous" way instead of the virtuous - We've all been there.

By making that one dangerous decision, we sabotaged our own efforts to achieve something we had wanted to do - diet. That Seemingly Irrelevant Decision, one little choice that leads further and further off our chosen path. Let’s see how that translates to Ps and Ns. Example:

You've left your P, you're settled into a new home, it’s been a short while, and everything is OK, but you do feel a bit lonely. You have a thought, you realise you've left your Birth Certificate behind. Obviously you're going to need it in your new life. This thought leads you onto thinking about P. Hmmm, he hasn't called, or tried to contact you, this makes you quietly angry and you begin to think about P. You have an idea, you'll call P and leave a message on the machine, so that he'll send the certificate to your mailbox. IT IS AT THIS POINT THAT THE CHOICE YOU MAKE HERE WILL INFLUENCE THE OUTCOME OF YOUR ORIGINAL DECISION. So, do you admit to yourself that you're feeling sad and upset, realise that you can get a copy Certified, and vow tomorrow will be better OR Do you ring P? P answers the phone. You ask P for Certificate. P tells you he loves you. P begs you to come home. You catch next cab/car/bus/train/plane and go back. P is great for a day or two. You are happily optimistic. Ps mask slips and he beats you for no apparent reason. Here we are again in the Dragon's Lair. Somewhere in the back of your head, you knew that you wanted to phone P, and that if you made an issue of the Certificate you would give yourself permission to phone.

"SID takes you off your chosen path, deeper and deeper into danger. "Seemingly Irrelevant Decisions" - Beware of them, they don't call them that for nothing.

You've taken SID on board - Now What?
If you do not level with yourself and honestly make the decision to stay away, you will not remain safe. If you contact him/her you will be back in their game and vulnerable to further, escalating abuse. Statistics prove that once a person has "accepted" abuse from their partner, the abuse escalates.

Basically how it works is this:
Once a partner has physically abused us, we have allowed him to cross our boundary. He then feels entitled to keep crossing whenever he likes. It takes more and more violence to satisfy him since he becomes appalled at us for our "weakness" and despises us for "allowing" him to treat us this way. This in turn makes him feel angry, and so he wants to abuse us further. It's a vicious circle - the cycle of abuse. He does not want to change this, although he may promise to. Why should he change? He has full control here, any change would mean life would get better for his victim, and worse for himself. Ps and Ns are not like that. They wont ever change. The victim has to change their behaviour to survive them, and it starts with NO CONTACT.

You need to "fall off the face of the earth" as far as the abuser is concerned.

Tell as few people as possible where you are - for their own safety as well as yours.  That way there are few people for P or N to intimidate. The immediate thing the violent P or N will do is go searching for his/her "property. They will target anyone/anything/anywhere that they can find information about your whereabouts.
1] If you need to use a forwarding address for friends/family etc - use Post Restante mail. Don't use friends/family as mail drops because he will target them.
2]Alternately, if you establish contact with a Domestic Violence Centre, they will often allow you to have mail sent to their private address.
3] Get a new SIM card, take the old one out of your cell phone. If you need to leave it on ask yourself why? Is it really because of that "all important" call - or are you leaving your P a line of contact?
4] If you have time before you leave, wipe your computer files clean, take any info with you.
5] Inform any relatives, friends, etc whom he can contact that you have left P This way they will be able to defend themselves and you from P should he get in touch.
6] Put blocks on everything financial the moment you have somewhere to stay. This is very important if you can.
7] If you do not intend to return to your house after P has left, start writing to the authorities concerned with the home and take your name off bills. This way, you will not be liable for any debts P may run up.
8] If you wish to inform your children's schools that you have left the area, do not tell them where you are, tell them you will register the children when you are all safe.
9] If you have fled taking pets, make sure they are somewhere safe. Maybe with parents, friends, some Shelters Refuges accept pets until you are settled. Vets often have names of people offering temporary homes. Police may be able to recommend a kennels where they can stay until you are safe.
10] Be vigilant, learn to be security and surveillance conscious. Take notice of who lives around your area, who's car belongs to who. Who belongs to your new patch? Watch out for strangers, and be aware of anyone watching you. At this stage, just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they aren't out to get you - they may well be!
11] Take your personal documents if you possibly can - Birth Certificates/Drivers License/Child documents etc.
12] Be confident and positive and think ahead, try and save what's yours, stay within the law. THE ABOVE MAY NOT BE POSSIBLE IN VIOLENT SITUATIONS - IT MAY BE THAT YOU JUST HAVE TO RUN - IT CAN ALL BE SORTED OUT AFTERWARDS REMEMBER - SAFETY ABOVE EVERYTHING. If the police come, have a prepared list of what you need to take and they'll be there to help you.

IF YOUR XN/P IS REMOVED FROM YOUR HOME
This is difficult situation immediately, if P is violent it may be best to consider moving. If he is in prison, that would be the best time.
1] Contact Police, utilize all help and advice available from them. Take advice on security issues - turn that house into Fort Knox if you have to. Anything to be safe. Check out the services of the Police Domestic Violence Team, see if you can have alarms, panic buttons added to your home. Ask for help. Floodlight the house if you can afford it.
2] Change phone numbers
3] Change everything to do with your PC - don't rely on him not hacking.
4] If P is in prison, register with the line that lets you know when they are due out.
5] Consider changing the children's schools (School gates will be a target for P)
6] Do not answer door to P or anyone linked to P, make unknown callers produce ID or simply do not answer door. Be aware that P will use anyone and everyone in an attempt to get to you. You may not even recognise some of the people calling at your door.
7] Have friends or family stay with you if you are nervous. It can be very comforting to have their support and company.
8] Immediately alter bank accounts/credit cards/loans etc., anything to do with money, make sure you are totally P-proof because if you don't it will all disappear - if it hasn't already.
9] Keep personal documents safe - Birth Certificates/Drivers Licence/Childrens certs etc.
10] If you wish to move and YOU solely own the house, sell it with no realtor's sign.
11] Buy a pocket tape recorder and use it. If you have children and have to have contact, this will be vital.
12] Speak to the courts. Make it plain you want your file crossed with NO INFORMATION to be given out. It has been known for Ps to use other people to pretend to be you and get addresses etc.

”…inventory would reveal I had nothing to lose...the path was clear"

"This is all my own work! Lol�?BR>
”I DID get out alive. I AM A SURVIVOR and I no longer put up with their s***!

"We were targeted by this person and we didn’t know what was coming. We are getting out alive...we are worth it."

"Make up your mind. This is what you want to do. No looking back. RUNRUNRUN"

"I knew inside if I didn’t take the plunge, I was going to die"

"Everything will fall into place once you are away - Safety is the only priority here."

WE'LL SEE YOU WHEN YOU GET HERE!
Each Moment Another Woman Escapes Domestic Violence