Questions and Answers about Ns

Q. Why can't I let him go? / Why do I think about him all the time?
A. I think there are three general layers to this question. First, they are a habit. One of the first things to go when we begin a relationship with an N is our ability for self care. By nature, we are highly compassionate, empathetic and giving individuals. Therefore, we give up our own needs and wants in order to please N. Soon, our thoughts become all about N. As the abuse becomes more prevalent, we unconsciously begin to strategize and analyze how to avoid the abuse & to make him happy. Our thoughts are consumed with N's needs, wants and moods. Our happiness soon revolves around N's moods. We learn how to avoid bad moods & to maximize good moods. This creates addictive intensity. Eventually, this becomes all-consuming. We've avoided other friendships & relationships and our focus turns solely to N.

N's are like drugs. They unhealthily fill a need within ourselves. Either we're afraid to be alone, fear abandonment, crave drama...whatever our own 'issues' are, N's malignancy creates a payoff for us. We use N's to self medicate our own issues, whatever they are. What were once small self-issues (ie: average self esteem) could even become worse during our involvement with N. Dancing the N-dance creates a payoff, so we keep doing the dance until we get it. (This could be our desire to preserve the 'family' unit, malignant optimism, reliving childhood trauma's and/or abuse or even low self-esteem issues).

Lastly, there's the age old idea that abused people don't leave the abusers because knowing what to expect is less scary than not knowing what the future holds. After many months, we become immune to some of the abuse. Our guts scream to us, but we rationalize, deny and ignore, often planning for the worse, but praying & hoping for the best. The abuse can be so debilitating that we no longer feel we can function apart from the N. Again, this becomes all-consuming.

Q. Why does he (fill in the blank)?/ Why doesn't he 'get' what he does is wrong/mean/evil?
A. Wrapping our kind, generous & normal brains around mental illness is not easy. Many feel NPD is not a mental illness. Research shows NPD to be a DSM level disorder. Mental illness is defined by www.dictionary.com as, "a mental condition marked primarily by sufficient disorganization of personality, mind, and emotions to seriously impair the normal psychological and often social functioning of the individual called also mental disorder." A mental illness it is.

It is important that we deal with it as such. Each action and inaction can be traced back to N's 'disorder.' For example N's actions/inactions can be traced to: attention seeking, sense of entitlement, grandiosity, pathological lying, preoccupation with fantasies (wealth, success, importance, beauty, brilliance), lack of empathy, envy, magical thinking and the belief they are superior.

I used to spend hours on trying to figure out why N did what he did. My error was that I was applying normal logic and rationale to irrational and illogical behavior. It about made ME crazy! It was not until I likened NPD to other mental illnesses, such as schizophrenia, that I began to understand. Why does he do what he does? Because he is mentally ill.

When we see the stumbling, mumbling schizophrenic bum wandering on the street, we think several things. One, "there is obviously something very wrong with that guy", two, "that is sad & scary at the same time, " and three, "he's a lost cause." The problem with applying this to N's is that they appear normal on the outside. Their mental illness manifests internally. As kids, we always thought the bad guys looked bad; monsters looked like monsters and pedophiles looked scary, too. As adults, we learn this is not true. N's look very appealing on the outside, either due to look, charisma or both. Our radar's get turned off. The fact that N's look normal and are often highly successful and high functioning is one reason accepting mental illness is so difficult.

NPD is also incurable. Unlike schizophrenia, which can be managed with medications, NPD requires intensive, decades long psychiatric treatment. A few sessions of couple's or individual therapy will not make a dent. In fact, N's merely use this as a manipulation & gaslighting tool against US! N's have NO desire to change because the very root of their illness is that there is nothing wrong with them, they are special and entitled, and they are far more superior than their partner and therapist.

So, when you ask yourself why they do what they do and why they don't "get" it, there is but one answer: because s/he is incurably mentally ill.

Q. Why does he still want me if he has an OW? If I am so rotten, why does he still contact me?
A. If one is good, two or three are better. The more, the merrier.

N's do not see us as others do. Once ensnared in their web, N's view us as possessions, like a toaster, car or home. We no longer have valid feelings, unless they benefit the N. If they do not, tensions ensues. Any "fight" we have in us is viewed as unrealistic, out of control, crazy or wrong. After all, a toaster is not supposed to talk back, right? Sounds simplistic, but it's the truth. We are supposed to be grateful to be in their presence. If one toaster is good, having a second or third back-up toaster is better...just in case. Or, maybe one toaster is for bagels, another for bread slices. Best to have different toasters to meet different needs, which can constantly change.

At times, it can be difficult for N's to truly leave us alone. We are well trained, highly reactive (which does not always mean negatively), we put their needs first already and they know how to control us. An OW can provide a sense of newness, but alas, she must be trained. That takes time.

NS is to an N like oxygen is to a normie. Practically every move an N makes is geared towards NS. They view things and people as a hot NS meal...a buffet of attention, sex, money, adoration, etc. Even negative attention is better than no attention, to an N. So, maybe all the two of you do is argue, or maybe you do your best to ignore him, but he still attempts contact. Why?

High on the list of "achievements" for an N is to reel back in old NS. It's a challenge. When we break NC (if it doesn't pertain directly to the children, if applicable), we are sending several signals to the N. First, we are saying, "Don't believe me. My words and actions do not match." That creates a loophole for the N and they will always play on that to get NS. If your words and actions do not match, you will never achieve healthy NC.

Second, if they wear us down and we give in to any form of contact (text, email, phone, mail, contact by proxy), the N will think, "I knew it! S/He does love me! Otherwise they would ignore me completely! So s/he's yelling at me...s/he wouldn't yell if they didn't care! YEAH! I win! I can get some NS!" They view any contact as a sign of love, which spurs them on more.

N's believe everyone thinks like they do, only they are more clever and intelligent. That being said, our attempt at silence (NC) is interpreted as a D&D by the N. They do it to us, so they think we're doing it right back to them. They can become engraged at attempted NC because they feel only they are entitled to D&D! How dare we play their game? They can become forelorn and 'sad' because they've seen us act that way (and have seen it on TV, etc), but inside they feel nothing. They can ignore us for awhile & then pounce back into our lives as if nothing ever happened because they do not possess empathy and frankly, N's feel as if we should be "lucky" to have them. They've punished us long enough (even though WE may do the D&D).

NC only works when it is swift, and total. When it comes to shared children with an N, email contact seems to work the best. I've seen the most effective "modified" NC work when only direct questions about the children are responded to. Anything else is ignored. Soon, the N tires of putting for effort onto someone who "clearly cannot realize how brilliant, special & attractive they are", so we become unworthy of any contact at all, including contact with the children. N's will fade away, unless there is good NS achieved from or by the children.

When one institutes total NC (as applicable), eventually the N will retaliate. If they ignore us, they may take on an OW or two, as a way to "punish" us, get even and to send a message "see what you're missing?" They won't comprehend we just don't care anymore! (How dare we?) N's will fade away when they no longer can get any NS, positive or negative. This is why total NC (when possible) is crucial. Retaliation can be expected which is designed to punish AND more importantly, to elicit NS. Things like restraining orders, lawsuits, smear campaigns, allegations of all sorts, flowers & romance...all are designed to get a REACTION. When we give it, it reinforces the N's behavior. If the reaction is through an attorney, some N's become fearful of the law, of ramifications. Some think they are above the law and will up the ante even higher, with more allegations. N's will fade away when they no longer can get any NS, positive or negative. This is why total NC (when possible) is crucial. Like alcoholics with alcohol, we must put our N-sobriety first and remove the temptation of the addiction. NPD'ers can infect others. NC can save one's life.

Q. How do I move on? Will I ever get past this? Will I ever find love again?
A. I feel the only way to move beyond the destruction of the N is to address why abuse was tolerable in the first place. Sometimes the abuse sneaks up on us. The brainwashing, gaslighting, manipulations and deception can take awhile to catch on to. Even then, it can be easier to ignore, deny and minimize the behavior away. The alternative is too painful. Once you know why you allowed the relationship to continue then you can move forward. Knowledge is power.

NC is empowering. The silence actually give us a voice! Silence is the only message the N will actually hear. The first step is to be in NC as thoroughly as possible. Second, is to become aware of why you tolerated being mistreated. Next, is to recognize PTSD triggers and to work through them. Lastly, we must rethink our ideas of a relationship. Empathy is a requisite to love. Love must be mutual for it to be true, healthy love, not an obsession or addiction. We must also love ourselves enough to set boundaries in our lives. Deal breakers. If you can become your own best friend, you can get past the destruction of the N. Maintaining N-sobriety is an every day struggle, but one that is priceless and the rewards many.

Always remember:
*You can never be rational with someone who is incurably irrational.
*Normal logic and common sense do not exist in the N's world, unless it benefits them.
*Any contact you have with N will be internalized by the N as a victory, as "love" and as an open door to your life. N will pounce, ready to reinfect you and those around you. If you share children, stick to email only and provide only contact & information about the children. Email provides written proof.
*Children would rather be from a broken home than in one.
*There is NO CURE for NPD.
*N's get worse with age.
*You teach people how to treat you. Be your own best friend, first.
*When you choose the behavior (contact with an abuser), you choose the consequences (you put yourself & your children at risk to be abused).
*When N abuses you verbally, emotionally, physically and/or sexually, s/he is also abusing your children.
*There is No "N" in FREEDOM.

Q. Why can't I leave? Why did I stay?
A. Traumatic Bonding. According to the site:
http://members.tripod.com/guppyfish-ivil/id39.html
traumatic bonding is defined as:

Traumatic bonding may be defined as the development of strong emotional ties between two persons, with one person intermittently harassing, beating, abusing, or intimidating the other.

There are two common features in the structure of trauma bonded relationships:

1. The existence of a power imbalance, wherein the maltreated person perceives him/herself to be dominated by the other person.
2. The intermittent nature of the abuse.

Q. I can't stop obsessing. Why?
A. I think it is very important, when craving contact with the N, to ask yourself, "What is my payoff if I have contact?" There is something that contact with an incurably mentally ill person will do for us.

"No one else understands." - (Why do not you not accept yourself already?)
"I am so alone now." - (Why did you eliminate friends, family, hobbies for another person?)
"I want sex" - (Why is sex something that will negate the abuse?)
"I need him" - (Why do you feel you need another person in order to function?)
"But, I love him so much" - (N's possess no empathy, therefore are unable to love like normal people. Why is being around someone who cannot offer love a temptation?)

Ask yourself what contact will do for you. As with many addictions, getting a "hit" of the addictive substance (which can be a person or thing) relieves the pressure, tension and anxiety of being sober.

With gratitude to SassyAnnie for this most valuable message