But now I realize that ultimately I cannot do anything because all my attempts to help him, change him, 'save' him, or make him a happier person will inevitably fail in the end. It reminds me of this: trying to fill up a cup with water, when the cup has a hole in the bottom. So of course, the cup will NEVER fill up. And all of my efforts to fill it are pointless. It just hurts me to have to completely give up on someone, even if they are the biggest jerk I have ever met in my entire life."

Reply 1: "I wonder if maybe you might be having trouble because you feel that to give up trying to help him means that YOU are not as good at heart as you think you should be. Like, "What kind of not-so-nice person would I be if I gave up on someone, or treated him indifferently, or stopped talking to him entirely?" I got a real sense that being a "good" person is very important to you and to your identity. (Maybe that's why you can't bring yourself to think badly of him--that'd be against the "good girl" rules.) That's a tough thing to overcome. I guess I'd say just keep remembering that the best thing you can do is to NOT be a source of attention for him, NOTHING will help him, and eventually if he doesn't get what he wants from you he's going to go find it somewhere else, and that's a whole other kind of pain right there, to realize that he was only using you for his own narcissistic needs."

Reply 2: "Think of him as a highly toxic person, a vampire, that will suck out of you sympathy, your time, your effort, and over time drain you, bleed you dry of your self and your own needs. That is what he wants, your giving, your caring, your goodness. Is it possible on some level you are feeling the very human reaction of guilt? Guilt is a major hook they will use if they can find it and work on you. He is a predator. He will suck from anybody his N supply and he will not give a damn what price or toll he exacts from the person. I don’t think you have to hate him, you just have to get him away from you. There is a difference. I spent years trying everything for my NH to fix, cure, help, just like everyone else here. He doesn’t have true emotions, he will mimic them (the “Oh poor me routine my life is so hard and I feel so horrible)...he will feed you that line to gain sympathy, to keep you, to extract from you. You don’t have to do that. Its ok to say NO and to walk away, You have to totally protect yourself and be able to move on---walk away with no contact, he will never walk away totally, never give up. It is up to us, the targets which is the hard part, to make that decision. He has a disorder you had a taste of, this is what you are saying “No�?to. Yes he is a person, but his behaviours towards you are the problem. You can’t deal with his problem behaviour but you have the choice to protect yourself."

Reply 3 "You've hit on a very important aspect of this whole healing thing. That's one of the things that really made me feel like I was turning into an N myself. I had to coldly (realistically is the better word) turn my back on him and eventually walk away and give up hope that this disorder could be overcome in some way, and it made me feel like I was every bit as lacking in emotion as he was. Well, walking away IS the best thing. It's very hard isn't it?. I'm a nurturer by my nature, and it is hard. Damn hard. This disorder is just far too deeply ingrained in them. We look for closure. It won't come from them, we are the ones who finally make the closure".

Reply 4 "Wow! I have never actually thought of it exactly like that, but the more I think about it the more I realize it's true. I'll just explain it this way, it IS very important to me to be a good person. And that is beyond my control, I think I was born with a conscience the size of the Grand Canyon - doesn't let me get away with much! Another important thing someone said was that I have to distance myself from him not out of hatred, but because I have to protect myself. Since I cannot fix him, or change him, or help him, really my conclusion is this: The only useful thing that I can do in this situation is to work on ME. I have to protect myself and finish the healing process. At this point I am really trying to make sense of the relationship and what happened. Now that I've figured out he has this disorder things are certainly making a lot more sense. Somehow we ended up being together again. I guess the reason I had not used the “No Contact�?policy this time is that it failed miserably last time."

Reply 5 "I read every word you write because your words free me. Despite the warning signs all I got was, "Oh, he'll settle down...he is such a nice guy..." But something was wrong and I knew it...I just could not put my finger on the problem...

I have a daughter who has gotten into miserable relationships. Your writing helps me understand her and gives me insight into how I might be able to influence her to do the brave thing as you are in process of doing. Oh, if only I had the knowledge to walk away when he was a boyfriend! Thirty years later, he walks away with this new soul mate. Take care of yourself because you deserve someone who can love you back. I hear it in your words that you understand compassion, empathy, and commitments. Find a man who is worth investing in because I can tell you, had I walked away when my gut told me to, I would have a prize today instead of a loser."

Reply 6: "You sound to me like you've done a great job of accepting the truth! You have a wonderful grasp of the reality of your situation. That just doesn't make it any less sad, does it? I feel that sadness for my N too, and like you, I don't wish for anything bad to happen to him. I think continuing to learn as well as the passage of time will help you heal from this experience. It's so hard to talk to anybody about this, they have no idea about Ns. That's why these boards are helping me heal. You're doing great."