TOP PICKS - Dr. Liane J. Leedom
Excerpts from
"Just Like His Father?"
A Guide to Overcoming Your Child’s Genetic Connection
to Antisocial Behavior
Liane J. Leedom, M.D
http://www.parentingtheatriskchild.com/
Notice to our Members: This amazing book can be purchased by members of our MSN/Yahoo groups at a substantial discount, please contact the author Dr. Liane J. Leedom, M.D. directly at [email protected]
Link to Amazon Book Site on "Just Like His Father?"
"If there is a silver lining to the dark cloud of being the victim of a sociopath, it is coming to this deeper understanding of love. To understand love is to understand what it is not."
Dr. L. Leedom
"Since I had a baby with my second husband; three innocent children were victims of my marital disaster. I had done the unthinkable, chosen a husband who could have really hurt my precious children, and caused us all to have to cope with unthinkable stress. I felt intense fear when I realized what my ex-husband is �?a psychopath. A psychopath is a person with the worst form of a disorder psychiatrists call antisocial personality. I was painfully aware of the volumes of scientific data showing that this disorder is both incurable and genetically transmitted. I held my infant son while disturbing thoughts filled my mind. “What if my little boy grows up to be like his father?" "For me, the thought that 40 million of my fellow Americans are in a similar place, is no real consolation. I still have to answer the question “Why me?�?For years, I have warned my patients to be very careful about whom they allow into their lives. Many people develop attachments toward those they spend time with. This time, I wasn’t careful enough and didn’t follow my own advice. I opened the door to someone who should not have been allowed in. Forgiving myself, after having made such a terrible mistake, is not easy."
"If you have felt love for someone with antisocial personality disorder, you are not alone. Since these individuals represent up to four per cent of the population, there are a lot of them out there. Each of these individuals has parents, and grandparents, and may also have aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins, friends, lovers and children. If we guess conservatively that each person with antisocial personality disorder is involved with 5 other people, there are nearly 40 million Americans in the same boat!"
"One of the most difficult issues for me to reconcile has been the question of what in my constitution left me vulnerable. Part of my vulnerability lies with these ease with which I love. Through my profession, I have had the great honor of getting to know a large number of people. I have developed deep respect for the human spirit. I found it within myself to like every single one of my patients. To like them I had to find good in them. Finding and appreciating the good in people became a habit�?a habit that left me vulnerable to fakers."
"How then, are we all to be protected from those with antisocial personality disorder? The first step is to indeed be selective about who is allowed in. If a mistake is made, corrective action must be taken�?even when taking corrective action is very painful. Once I came to really understand my husband for what he is, I resolved to have him out of my life permanently. It was only this step that started the healing process."
"Tonight, Larry King is on CNN. His guest is the brother of an accused serial killer. This man spoke of the years of Thanksgivings, Christmas Holidays and nights spent playing video games together with his brother, the accused. When asked how he reconciled his relationship with the man accused of killing four people, the guest replied, “My brother isn’t a monster like he’s portrayed to be.�?“This is not my brother.�?The guest just could not let go of the good he saw in his brother even when the evil was painfully obvious."
"When addicts and those with antisocial personality disorder have children, their families face special challenges. Emotional scars inevitably result from a union with an individual with antisocial personality disorder or addiction. A spouse can end up sharing life with an addict when addiction develops over the course of a marriage. In other cases, conning and trickery are involved. For some, the union results from rape, perhaps a date rape. Most of us would not knowingly or willingly have a child with such a person, thus the reality is some children are born after physical (or what feels like psychological) rape. Thankfully, motherly and fatherly love is so strong that it can overcome these scars."
"I noticed early on that my son preferred singing to the spoken word. Starting at about 10 months, I taught him a simple tune “I love ma-ma.�?I sang it at times he initiated affection toward me. He could hum the tune before he could say the words. He learned to use this tune to connect with his own loving feelings. He later changed “ma-ma�?to the names of other family members and our pets. Children develop an appreciation of music very early. I believe this appreciation can be used to tie together the emotional, verbal and physical realms (through dancing). The point is to use every possible tool to connect with your child and give him joy."
"There are psychopaths who, in addition to having severe guilt deficiency, also have no reflexive response to the screams of others. The expression of the drive for social dominance causes these psychopaths to become killers and rapists. If you have a child, boy or girl, who doesn’t seem to be affected by observing pain in others, and is physically cruel toward animals, please seek help. That child is at very high risk."
"Research regarding the bond between a child and his primary care giver clearly demonstrates that the presence of a good early attachment is protective against antisocial personality disorder."
"Who will teach your child if you don’t? Give your child feedback when you observe his emotions. “Seems like you really like being with Jimmy.�?“You were mad at me today when I asked you to clean up your mess.�?The basic feeling states your child should be able to recognize in himself and others are pain, fear, anger, surprise, jealousy, curiosity, affection, joy, self satisfaction, sorrow, guilt, shame and pride. Talk about the characters in movies, books and magazines; ask your child what he thinks about the character’s feelings and motivations."
"Habitual lying is a particularly worrying and troublesome be-havior in at risk children. It is frustrating for parents, in part, because the parent being misled by lies is being treated like a subordinate. Children also tell tall tales to become the center of attention. Lying becomes a perverse form of entertainment for some children. Habitual lying also occurs when parents are excessively critical. Children lie in order to avoid being yelled at, berated or spanked (more on yelling and spanking later). Children who lie under these circumstances may even believe in their own innocence. Impulsive children who are struggling to maintain a view of themselves as “good�?sometimes lie, then, believe their own lies. In this case, the caregiver should instruct the child regarding the impulse that lead to the initial misdeed, and the impulse that led to telling the lie. “You lied because you didn’t want to get in trouble for _____,�?“When you start to lie to avoid getting in trouble, you have to stop yourself.�?“If you’re honest with me, you avoid making a second mistake, lying.�?/SPAN>
"Many recent parenting books and magazine articles make light of lying behavior in children. The thought is that lying is a normal part of being a child. More often than not parents are advised just to ignore the lies. While this tolerance of lying may be the best approach for some children, I believe it is the wrong approach for the at risk child. If you notice that your at risk child habitually lies, you should be alarmed. The lying may be a sign of even deeper troubles. Parents should reward at risk children for telling the truth and use consequences to put a stop to habitual lying.
"The underage sons, daughters, younger siblings, nieces, and nephews of these disordered people are all too young to understand the disorders that most adults cannot fully fathom. These children deserve to be protected. They are not capable of defining or weighing the consequences of a decision to share life with an addict or person with antisocial personality disorder. Since your child is not capable of defining or weighing the consequences of a decision to share life with his other parent, you must do this job for him. Ask yourself if your child’s other parent has a pattern of exploiting everyone in his life. If exploitation is the other parent’s life-style, your child will also likely become a victim. The more attached a child is to an exploitative parent; the more he will be victimized (Chapter 12)."
"How Does Addiction Happen?"
"When parents fail to teach impulse control, enjoyment of simple things, pride in personal accomplishment and a higher purpose for human life, a genetically at risk child develops a chemical as well as spiritual imbalance. The nature of this chemical imbalance and brain dysfunction in addiction is not yet fully understood and may be different for different addicts. The important point is that parenting affects the structure, function and chemistry of the child’s brain.
"How to Remain Captain of the Ship Even when the Crew Is Trying to Mutiny
Encourage your child to stay in a loving mode.
Enjoy interests and activities with him.
Show him tenderness and affection.
Have clear rules for behavior, enforce these rules consistently.
Assume the role of teacher as often as you can.
Avoid hypocrisy, model appropriate behavior."
"If you are a parent trying to make a day-care arrangement work, please be present for your child, physically and emotionally during the time he is not in day care."
"I would argue that in cases where the dysfunctional partner repeatedly refuses to get help or follow professional advice, children are better off with only one parent. There are studies that support this position. If you are in the very difficult position of choosing between saving your child and trying to save your dysfunctional partner, I would suggest the following: If your child is still small, you have a great likelihood of raising him to be a healthy adult. You may not be as lucky when it comes to saving your partner. For older children, being constantly vexed by an angry, abusive or addicted parent is very bad. In most cases, it makes sense to opt to save your child."
"Mothers are even more vulnerable than spouses are when it comes to dealing with those with addiction and antisocial personality disorder. Mothers want to believe their offspring are “good�?and feel guilt over having raised such a person. They are therefore easily manipulated. Always remember that those with antisocial personality disorder and severe addiction bring evil to most everyone in their lives, including and especially their mothers."
