Boundaries are the #1 issue related to pathological love relationships. The women we tested for our research realized they didn't have good boundaries, didn't recognize boundary violations, didn't know how to get good boundaries, and were often uncomfortable exerting boundaries. No wonder this is a HUGE prevention and recovery issue for people emerging from pathological relationships. People absolutely MUST develop boundaries or they are permanently at risk for more of these relationships.
Some women who have been involved with dangerous men told me they waited to be ‘released�?from relationships and did not initiate breakups even when they no longer wanted to see the man. Even when they feared a man, they hoped he would break up with them. Other women admitted to marrying men they did not love because they didn’t think they ‘could�?or ‘should�?say no to a marriage proposal. A man had chosen them for this honoured position, and they did not know how to turn him down.
Another area that may give clues as to why women ignore red flags is their own mental health. Family systems that teach young girls to ignore their own needs set up a lifetime of unhealthy psychology.
The bottom line is: Nothing works permanently or consistently on pathology. Nothing.
Women lose years of un-retrievable energy and youth on dangerous men waiting for them to be different when in fact, they aren't wired to ever be different this is the permanence of pathology.
A critical factor in this break up is: THE MOST VOLATILE PART OF HIS PERSONALITY IS LIKELY TO BECOME MORE VOLATILE WHEN YOU BREAK UP. This means, if he is violent, he is likely to become more violent during a break up. If he drinks a lot, he is likely to drink even MORE during a break up.
Failure in successfully and safely leaving usually results from:
Under-estimating the tactics he will use
Not getting enough help and support to ensure your safety
Re-opening the door for contact
Not using law enforcement or legal recourse when needed.
I cannot stress enough that pathological people are trickier than we are smart. They are Master Manipulators. He will look for your weak spots and keep going after them. If he can get you to talk he can reopen the door. If he can get you to answer the door, he can reopen the relationship. If you respond to a gift, he sees that as hopeful. If you answer his letters, he thinks he has a chance. Pathologicals read more into your reactions than normal men. "No Contact" is the only thing that begins to penetrate his resolve.
Women END UP with pathological men because they did not know what pathology looked or acted like. Some women ended up with them because they ignored their own red flags when they actually had some concerns about him.
It can take women a long time to come to terms with the permanence of pathology and to really ‘get it�?that his claims to change don’t mean much. But once she gets an inkling that maybe what is wrong with him might really be something big, she still sticks around wondering if she can do something to make it work �?So she works harder (while he doesn’t). She talks more trying to communicate better (while he doesn't). She goes to counseling (while he doesn’t or doesn’t stay. And she tries to make the relationship work one-sided while he continues to blame her.
RULE # 1: No Contact - No Contact means NONE
The good news is that most dangerous and pathological men cannot stand to be alone long so the longer you are consistent with no contact, the bigger chance you have of him quickly replacing you with someone else!
