How to BullyProof Yourself
Against Verbal Manipulation
"If you feel like you want to have any contact with somebody that has been abusive to you, go check yourself into the nearest mental institution."
Oprah Winfrey
The Devil's Toolbox: Creating doubt, confusion, criticism, sarcasm, denying penalties/consequences, blaming.
Learn the tricks of 'sleight of mouth' your abusive word warrior uses.
Question or Comment?
If I were to say to you: "I'm wondering why you're reading this page" would you
respond? If so, you just took the bait. Have another look: "I'm wondering why you're reading this page." It's not a question!! It's a statement!! Don't answer statements.
Here's another: Your abuser is in the kitchen and says: "I can't find the sugar." Did you jump up to get it for him? If so, then his manipulatiion worked. He didn't even have to ask. He has you targeted as a 'people pleaser' the perfect target.
Other examples "Hey, I could use a hand over here."
If he can get you to respond to statements and jump to help him without actually asking you, you will become conditioned to meet his expectations without question. That's how abuse starts.
They use the 'disguised question'. Watch for them. They often have a "rING" to them (I'm wondering, hoping, thinking) or "Perhaps you'd ..." "I wish you'd..." "I thought you might want to ..." "I need some cash..." "I need you to..." "I want to..." "We need to...." - train your ears to spot this type of manipulation and train yourself to ignore it.
Strategy - Answer questions only, don't answer statements -- Train your ears to recognize them. If you help without being asked and answering their statements you have sent out a huge red flag that you are gullible and can be targeted. Learn these tricks yourself. Do not volunteer, make sure you are specifically asked. Repeat their last 3 or 4 words back to them, in a questioning manner. Use the power of silence and ignore them. In a pinch say "I'll have to think about that, call me next Tuesday and I'll give you my decision."
Questions:
Abusers hate asking questions because it means they may loose control. So, say to them "What is your question for me?" then sit back and watch the show. This is the fun part. Don't let them off the hook. This is usually a surefire way to 'out' them and get them to exit.
Urgency:
Their wonderful ideas and problems they expect to be resolved by you - RIGHT NOW. They spend their lives finding other people to fix their problems and do their jobs.
REMEMBER: It's their problem (make sure this doesn't become your problem) and since it's their problem, let them fix it. Avoid involvement.
You can expect them to howl as generally they have few plans about how to go about fixing their problems and expect others to do it for them. That kind of thing is too menial, it's something to be carried out by lesser beings, their errand boys and not by them.
The Opening Pitch - Their Secret Weapon
Sharks Disguised as Dolphins
The haughty entrance, the strut, the vivacious outgoing person with a raucous laughter that instantly charms the crowd. Primes his target with "What do you think of..." "You seem good at this, I'm wondering if you know..." "Maybe you could tell me..." "I wanted to ask you..." "Would you like..." "I can't decide, which one do you like?" "I'd like your opinion..." Appear friendly, interested, deferential, non-threatening, submissive, early in the game. They freely dispense their assistance, talents and labour, money, gifts, or other offerings. Beware!! One of the oldest tricks of the wolf in sheep's clothing. By observing your reactions and spotting your resistance, your likes and dislikes and weak spots in your boundaries, they move in to quickly to create a 'soulmate' connection.
Strategy: Be suspicious of flattery. Be watchful for this type of verbal trickery used by the prowling predator. Just knowing this behaviour, you can detect an abuser in the early stages. Develop a healthy suspicion of people's motives.
The Royal "WE"
"WE need..."
WHOA, HOLD THE PHONE .... "WE"??? - that's the oldest trick in the book -- that ''WE' they throw out means YOU are being targeted. If all goes well, he takes the credit and, if not you'll be playing receiver in his blame game. Examples "If we could..." "We were hoping..." "I was hoping we could get the money for ...." "We should..."
Strategy - Make a fast exit when you hear the 'WE' word. Watch our for "us" and "our" as well. Do you feel fingers inching towards your wallet?? Try responding (if you absolsutely positively feel that you have to with a non-committal "hmmm, interesting".
F O G = Fear, Obligation and Guilt - The Attack from the rear.
Dr. Susan Forward does a fantastic job of describing FOG in her important book Emotional Blackmail. Be on the watch for it!!
Examples: "Don't you care if..." "Are you trying to hurt me?" "Don't you care about...?" "If you loved me..." " Don't you think you (we) should..." "Wouldn't it be better if..." "You don't expect me to..." "Wouldn't it be best for everyone if..." "Can't you take a joke?" "You could never do..." "Why don't you love me anymore?" "I thought that's what you wanted" "Do we all agree..." "It's reasonable to expect..." "We've already...." "I need you to..." "You don't think I meant...do you?" "We were counting on you to..." "Aren't you going to..." "Are you just going to sit there and let me do this all by myself, I could get hurt you know."
Strategy - Know your vulnerabilities to 'FOG'. Don't take their bait. Don't respond to baited questions. Expect them to howl - let them. Beware of the 'if' - then' type statements - it's bullying and abusive. Example" "If you loved me, then you would...." Direct action statements such as "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I've made my decision and I am not going to change my mind and I need you to stop this line of discussion." work best. Expect whining, howling and complaints but never backpedal on your decision. They seldom stop, so expect a comeback like "Why are you deliberately trying to hurt me?" so just ignore and change the subject or leave. [sigh]
Shifting the Balance of Power
"You should..." "Why do you always..." "Wouldn't it be better if we..." "I can't believe you would..." "I thought we were going to..." "You need to..." "Did you forget?" "How could you..." "Why don't you..." "Next time you should..." "Did you hear me?" "Don't you think you (we) should..." "I thought we agreed..." are examples of an abuser's move to a dominant controller's role. It's a verbal attack move. You're being maneuvered into a servant's role to meet his expectations. You start to walk on eggshells.
Strategy - Watch out for his little 'helpful suggestions'. Be aware of words that make you feel you want to defend yourself.
The 'silent treatment' is another form of abuse. He waits, fishing for whatever will cme up that might benefit him. Simply say "Let me know when you feel like talking". Say nothing else. Sing zippity doo dah. Act like 'no big deal' and put a smile on your face. If you can't handle this childish behaviour, then get to a therapist right away.
Strategy - Know this is a typical childish 'bait and wait' of the mentally disordered.
Presuppositions (assumed compliance - and other tricks of the conman 'snake-oil' salesman "Do you want the red one or the blue one? (Offer a choice tactic.)
"I was sure you'd want to" "You'll be pleased that I bought the Harley Davidson" Aren't you happy that...", "I know you'll like..." I know you'll want to..." "Everybody knows that..." "I thought you and I were a team. " I'm sure it's occurred to you..."
Research Keywords: Presupposition, Verbal Manipulation, Neurolinguistics, Sales Pitches
Presuppositions
http://www.angelfire.com/nd/danscorpio/presup.htmlStrategy - Learn to spot this. Use these tactics yourself to stop it's effectiveness.
Attack/Defend/Justify
Rather than give a straight simple answer the P/N will evade or defend himself with comments like "Are you calling me a liar?" - this is meant to put you on the defensive or, "As far as I know that's what happened." And, he will justify his comments with justification words like "believe me". or "honestly."
" Shut Uppa You Face
Your abuser knows that his targets are socially programmed to be nice, to make conversation and talk when there's 'dead air.' His bizarre comments and questions are the bait he sets to provoke you into a response. Don't give him the satisfaction. Your silence is far more powerful. Question what it is within you that you feel the need to respond. Bickering interaction will make you both look crazy.
The Raging Bull
Now he verbally 'acts out'. Let it die down like a nasty summer storm. Leave the room, or tell him to leave.
Strategy - Ignore his words. "I'm sorry you feel that way." often catches them off guard. Raging is part of their disorder. He needs and will work hard to get a reaction from you. Don't take his bait. This is the equivalent of an adult 'tantrum'. Suggested response: "We'll talk later when you've calmed down." A potentially dangerous time. Leave. This presents a perfect opportunity for you to record his behaviour or get witnesses, so anticipate, prepare, and take advantage of this.
Liar Liar
Asking a question of a pathological liar is just inviting lies. Fearing loss of control, they ricochet around like mad to avoid answering, or asking questions.
Strategy -. Only legal prosecutors ask liars questions to trap them when the proof is available. If you're not a prosecutor, don't waste your time.
Manipulation 101
Question = "What are you doing Friday night?" Answer = "Not much, I haven't made any plans yet"
(you just got zinged - that's what he was hoping you'd say)
Now try...
Question = "What are you doing Friday night?" Answer = "What did you have in mind?"
(you successfully blocked by questioning the question and punted the ball back in his court). We learn these tactics after we've taken the bait a few times.
The High-Pressure Conman - deliberately creates a 'right now' "We need to.." "If we don't act now we'll lose out" "I know a guy..." "I don't have parking money." (as he heads for the door. Urgency, immediate gratification, last-minute panic they bait us with! Fast talking, gesticulating, panicky needs. Using "we" and stating some 'snooze you lose' consequence is their game.
Strategy - Run a self-diagnostic on your naive meter. Giving money to these guys is like asking a dog to guard your dinner. Tell him you've got to check the details with your financial advisor first. Back off completely when facing this type of pressure. "I'm not interested." "No" are your response tools. Refuse to be pressured. Never give in.
Third-Man Theme
"You know I'd be there in a flash to help you but my doctors says my back might go out again." "I'd give you money but my car is going to be repossed and I won't be able to work."
Strategy: Learn to spot the way s/he squeezes out of work, paying bills or repaying loans by involving other - (doctors or banks who repossess cars).
Take advantage of this yourself. "I'm sorry, I've love to give you money but my financial advisor says I need to think of my pension commitment ."
Re-Target Practice
Out of the blue, your abuser contacts you and immediately targets your 'nice' side. He may say "I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are. Why won't you talk to me?" (notice the accusation!) He seems friendly and your upbringing tells you to respond with nice comments.
Strategy: Give yourself permission to just hang up and totally ignore with zero response.
Wearing Us Down. Hooray! You said No. But does it stop? Manipulators are very good at finding new ways to skin a cat. He has anticipated your answer and is ready with more tactics.
Strategy Be prepared for him to come at you from different angles. Block any attempts and don't even think of being nice to him.
The power of your NP is little more than the skillful use of cheap word tricks of the salesman con artist.
Recommended website
Verbal Self Defence by Suzette Haden Elgin
