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All Message Boards : What we seek in the N is what we never got from our own childhood
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 Message 1 of 6 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nicknamemisspleaser  (Original Message)Sent: 20/11/2008 10:11 a.m.
I feel that most people on this forum are of a very soft, kind hearted and pleasing nature. OF course most in society love us as we never dare to speak our minds. I think that our childhoods can explain alot how our anxious attachment to relationships all began. With our parents. Most important being our mother. Unfortunatly, not all grow up feeling unconditionally loved at a young age. Therefore to gain aproval later on in life, people pleasing and over nice behaviours with people compensate to gain approval and love. but it can never be found from outside sources. Like we so need off an overprotecting and over empowering N. Absolute False security with Seft at the most destructive level.

I have found I am on my way to healing just by allowing myself to discover what I felt I lacked in early childhood. Feeling of security and feeling safe and wanted. And not to blame anyone for what happened. You lose your personal power when you do.

The reality is is most families and people are dysfunctional in some way today. The N and the Codependent are I guess a good example of the effects of the feelings of an unlovable childhood in some way. Both are like so drawn together in a desperate attemp to fill there missing peices.

But there comes a time when great change is just around the corner and you will know when that time is. To heal your heart. No one else can do it for you or rescue you like we may have believed in the beginning.



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Reply
 Message 2 of 6 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknamesickofhimSent: 20/11/2008 7:46 p.m.
Misspleaser,
 
Excellant post. Thank you.  Your so right. All my life I have attracted bad men mostly.  When I found this web site last year, it all began to fit like a puzzle. My dad is an N and emotionally absent from my life. So I have tried to find my dad in the men I attract. Blech....I am over it. I have been working hard with a therapist to begin to love myself and develop some self esteem. N's destroy what little we do have. But at least now I know what these people are and how not to attract them hopefully in the future. 

Reply
 Message 3 of 6 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknamemisspleaserSent: 22/11/2008 10:56 a.m.
I am glad you are on your way to healing. I attract those aweful men to. My father was kind of absent to. His obsession with pornography made him distant from caring so i think i fell for a farther figure N but have had the corouge to move on. Well I hope you will come out with so much more understanding and self esteem :>) you deserve it

Reply
 Message 4 of 6 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknameKittykat5437Sent: 23/11/2008 9:55 a.m.
it all depends how you look @it:what is emotionally absent to one person doesn't phase another.what i observed growing up that kids who came from broken homes or homes where there was emotional unavailability found it in school:in the form of clubs,friends or the families of those friends.

Reply
 Message 5 of 6 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nicknamechatte775Sent: 24/11/2008 10:04 p.m.
I'm glad for this post. I wonder at my own N dance because, quite honestly and quite thankfully, I had a wonderful upbringing. Just the right amount of love and discipline...lots of support, engaged in healthy activities (dance, piano, arts... Other than facing a new classroom of school kids quite often because we moved often to different countries (and this was hard as a child), I really can't complain. I continue to have a healthy and close bond with both of my parents and my brother. So, I just don't get it.

Someone wrote (sorry - my computer froze up and I lost the thread after I copied it to paste here, so I can't give due credit: "But it might be other things, being under a lot of stress, having devastating disappointments in your career, or other adverse things, maybe a previous painful relationship, money issues." I have to believe that something more recent caused me to end up in this horrid situation. I did lose a job once, and it devastated me. Guess I could do some soul searching there, see if there is a connection.

Reply
 Message 6 of 6 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknameAngelicaBlue76Sent: 24/11/2008 10:57 p.m.
I think that what I ultimately GOT from the N was exactly the same as what I got in my childhood, and that it only appeared to be what I never got in my youth, at first, because of the N's "idealization" stage.  My stepfather, and my mother for that matter, were hard-core alcoholics with whom you could never have a conversation, as it is useless to talk to drunks, they aren't in their right minds and may say anything to you and not even recall it later, or recall it and not care, or fly into bizarre rages, throw tantrums, even physically abuse you, etc.  But of course as a child, you are trapped with these people until you are legally adult, and I got out of that situation as fast as humanly possible at that point in my life.  However, much harm was done to me, to my beloved sister, and to my poor half-brother by the time we could each leave.  Very sad. 
 
So I know I had formed this idea in my head that because my parents were uneducated (no formal college education, and stepfather had only a GED, tho he later was a licensed plumber and a business owner), that must have added to their ability to fall into alcoholic addiction somehow---if they were more educated, they'd have never allowed alcohol to hold such sway over them.  Thus, I tried to look for college-educated partners, thinking that with intelligence, mental illness or addiction could not grab so firm a hold.  MISTAKE, of course, and a huge one at that.  The N was highly formally educated, and is still very much an abuser with addictive behaviors and control issues, of course, as most of them are.  In fact, I had another N in my life in my 20's, and he held a doctorate, was a lawyer, and STILL a controlling  abuser with a severe cocaine/alcohol problem.   Education has nothing to do with N'ness or NON-N'ness, addiction or non-addiction.  What a fool I was to think that.    
 
I'd say what I seek in any PARTNER at all, is what I never got in my childhood  (rational behavior? conversation which made sense? a sense of sharing? love, without conditions or exceptions?)  - I just happened to be unfortunate enough to run into two N's who gave me more of the same abuse I'd received as a young girl, tho at first, when all masks were ON, I didn't think so at all.
 
Right now at this angry stage, I am very bitter about ever finding anyone who won't abuse me in one way or another.  I often wonder if I simply have dared to ask for too much. 
 

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