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All Message Boards : obsessive thinking--at what point should it stop?
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 Message 1 of 15 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknameBicyleGirl  (Original Message)Sent: 22/11/2008 4:35 a.m.
Hello All. I am starting to feel really badly about myself, like an idiot loser who CANNOT get over the N. It's been almost 7 months NC, and that's good, yay for me, but I think about her ALL the time. I continually have imaginary conversations with her in my head, imagine how she must be feeling, hoping she's miserable, etc etc etc. It is driving me crazy, and I really want to move on with my life. Sometimes I feel I am going crazy, have gone crazy. I don't know. I'm beginning to hate myself for being so weak and pathetic. What to do what to do???


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Reply
 Message 2 of 15 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nicknameheartbrokengp91Sent: 22/11/2008 2:44 p.m.
Bicycle-  I am in the same boat but I've been in NC much longer.  I obsseively think about him, dream about him and no matter what I do I can't get rid of thoughts of him.  Sure there are some days that I think of him less but in general, a day doesn't go by when I don't think, what is he doing? Does he think of me, doeshe miss me?  Can we ever be friends again?  I don't know what to do either.  Therapist says it will fade over time but for me its been 1year and 7 months NC and I still obssess over this.  Heartborkengp91

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 Message 3 of 15 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nicknamesweetcaroline703Sent: 22/11/2008 3:57 p.m.
hi bg and hb,
Not to discourage you both but to encourage you both...

It has been 3.3 years nc for me. I felt that it took me a very long time too. It was the better part of 2 years before it started to let up. You will get there , trust me.
Keep doing what you are doing and give it more time. Now at 3.3 years the thought of him disgusts me.
good luck and hang in there.

Reply
 Message 4 of 15 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknameBicyleGirlSent: 22/11/2008 4:31 p.m.
Thanks, HB and SC. At least I'm not alone, right?  It feels crazy sometimes. I've never had this experience with a breakup before, but then again, I've never had to go NC with a person I've loved either, a person who tried to destroy me. I guess it's complicated, but I sure wish I could let go of her in my head. Thanks for your comments.

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 Message 5 of 15 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nicknameheartbrokengp91Sent: 22/11/2008 9:56 p.m.
SC-  Thanks- you're not discourgaing me since it has been so long and hasn't let up much I figured it would be a long haul.  Just like BG said, I never had to go NC with anyone or even had trouble dealing with a "breakup" in the past.  I wish I felt some sort of anger towards the N.  I still am stuck in the obsessive stage, wishing that I could help hi or fix this in someway.  It helps to know I am not crazy and there are others out there dealing with the same thing.  Hearbrokengp91

Reply
 Message 6 of 15 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknamefemfreeSent: 23/11/2008 7:10 a.m.
Our obsessive thinking article....
 
 
 

Reply
 Message 7 of 15 in Discussion 
From: MoJoSent: 23/11/2008 11:31 a.m.
Yes I will confirm that it takes a long long time.
 
Read as much as you can.  Post as much as you can.  It will get easier but it takes much longer than you would ever expect.
 
I used to come here and read and think "yeah right!".  I never believed for one moment that it would get easier.  It does and I just underestimated how long it would take.  Also I have a feeling that we're all ever so slightly different and so that means nothing's the same.
 
For me it's been 4 years and 8 months.  I'm still working on it.  But yessssssssssssssss it's easier lol.
 
Hope this helps

Reply
 Message 8 of 15 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nicknamecrazy4tryin72Sent: 23/11/2008 5:15 p.m.
I go between disgust and 'can't get him out of my mind, willing to stay in bad living situation because it is too hard to leave'. However, I am leaving next month, I start school again and my student grants have come in and are helping me get my own place with my daughter. I can't go to NC due to our child. He has been down this road before with 2 OW so he is not nearly as bad as he used to be I hear from everyone. Thank God I didn't meet him back then! Yes, he is nice sometimes, actually, half of the time, but it is not real. It is like a therapist taught him the proper responses so that he does not get into more trouble. His passive-aggressive behavior while very, very drunk as usual, sent me into a rage where I threw our clean laundry from the baskets all over the house. It was ridiculous. It was then I realized it was time to get out for my sanity as well as the well being of my daughter. Wish me luck!

Reply
 Message 9 of 15 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknameAlamobelle3Sent: 23/11/2008 11:13 p.m.

it can take quite awhile - 7 months isnt that long is the grand scheme of things

it is part of healing - you eventually let go of trying to " figure it out " and use the blanket because he is a lunatic to cover the bases .

You can try the timer trick - decide ahead of time

obessing for XXXXXXX twice a day - set the timer at those times and wallow in the obession - timer goes off
find a project and put off the thoughts until the next timer
time

it may be days or even weeks before you are successful
in sticking to the obessing times but keep trying you can
and will get there

then ween off the timer - reducing the minutes until
he WHO ????????

Look into the tapping technique too - it has helped alot
on this board - think its EFT Technique - not not positive
someone will chime in with the info for you



Reply
 Message 10 of 15 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknameBicyleGirlSent: 24/11/2008 3:30 a.m.
thanks so much for your suggestions and support, everyone. it helps to know i'm not alone. argh, this would be SO much worse without this board. in fact, i probably would be in the loony bin right now were it not for you all.
 
thanks again!

Reply
 Message 11 of 15 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknameWhatjusthappened0Sent: 24/11/2008 3:33 a.m.
Luck crazyfortrying!
 
You can do this.
 
(((hugs)))

Reply
 Message 12 of 15 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nicknamedevarenz7Sent: 26/11/2008 12:57 a.m.
Its not how we feel about them, really.  Its how we feel about ourselves.  They are just a tool in all of this.  Its the reflection of what we see in the mirror.  I hope someday I can look in the mirror and like what I see and actually FEEL how people I love around me describe me.   I'm getting closer.  Soon, soon.

Reply
 Message 13 of 15 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nicknameharmony615Sent: 26/11/2008 9:50 a.m.
well reading all these posts makes me feel less crazy...I too after a recently short intense relationship still think about the N. He still is in my dream sleep occassions and the most frighteneing thing about it is that after 6 years of getting over the N before him, the father of my children I think "oh nooo not this again . How long will this take" as I really want to get on with my life. It is too short. Some days are better than others.
What ' devarenz7' is true. It is usually a reflection of how I feel about myself and what I deserve. When I am feeling good about myself he becomes smaller. When I'm feeling insecure or not so good he becomes larger in my thoughts and I remember the good times and forget about the truth or whole picture of this damn selfish, destructive loooser!!!

Reply
 Message 14 of 15 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nicknamemad120780Sent: 27/11/2008 3:13 p.m.
I escaped almost 2 yrs ago from a NBAlco and been - lost NC the other day at work after almost 15 months - all I said was thank you - we we in front of co-workers. I answered no questions nor did I ask him any. After the horrific things he did to me why would I. But, sometimes I just accept that we are both going to work at the same facility and might pass each other every couple of months or so - I use the memories to remind myself of what he is and what I did to myself in denial. This was I assure myself it could never happen again, I have come so far - {Peace

Reply
 Message 15 of 15 in Discussion 
From: BoomerSent: 27/11/2008 10:46 p.m.
OK, What don't you understand? She doesn't think about you, she doesn't like you, she is superficial and shallow. She has NPD. If you want to be with someone who needs 100% of your attention with nothing left over to give your family or other friends, then call her. Sometimes it takes several tries before we can say "enough".
 
 I sound a little bitter yes, I was married to a shallow NPD for eighteen years. He still does not realize how much his behaviour cut me to the quick. It took me a long, long, long time to get over him. In addition, he seduced a close friend of mine. He did re-assure me that I could stay as he could be happy with two women.

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