22years.. I was married to a N for 20 years. The ex N promised time and time again that he would change and yes he did for a short period of time only to get worse. They do not change and just get worse with age. I kicked the N to the curb almost a year ago and can't even begin to explain how much happier me and my daughter are. You are fortunate that you found a counselor that is knowledgable about NPD. Keep reading the messages on this board and congrats on starting to journal. You will find the more you journal, the more reasons you will find to leave the N.

I was lucky in that my xNh was not interested in marriage counseling--he went only once but was so wrapped up in his OW that I had no trouble leaving, even with kids. It definitely made things easier.

 

It is true that even after 22 years of marriage--or 25, or 45--your Nh will not get any better.  The older Ns get, the more pronounced their N characteristics.  Not to mention the impact seeing his daily behaviors at home will have on your children over time.

 

Go for the marriage counseling, try to make it through at least a couple of sessions so the court will see that you "tried" for the kids' sake. Try to keep your input factual and NON-EMOTIONAL, since if your N sees that you are upset that will be a source of supply for him. 

 

Even after many years of marriage to an N it is possible to start over and have a very fulfilling and PEACEFUL life.  Your kids would benefit greatly from this--they can still see dad and have their own relationship with him without you having to deal with him on a daily basis.  Especially if dad is in town there can still be plenty of ups and downs, but having room to breathe and be yourself--without the constant drama and roller coaster riding an N thrives on--is a powerful thing.

Also, if you have already determined that you want OUT of this marriage and away from this disordered person, in the meantime you could find a lawyer and find out what it is going to take to get your divorce. 

I was married to an N for over twenty years, too.  Coming up on 24 years, divorce not final yet.  You mentioned that you see it in your 11-year-old.  It's good to keep reinforcing good behavior and refusing to allow bad behavior, and to address dad N issues when they come up.  If dad does something N-ish, to just talk about the behvior and how good people don't do that, but not to talk about dad in particular.  I know the fear of worrying that your child will turn out like him.  But I think you can rest a bit more easily, knowing that this is just typical behavior of an 11-year-old.  They all go through that.  With you guiding him, chances are very good that he'll be just fine, and will see how his dad behaves as hurtful. 

 

I have found that couselling with an NP is money out the window. I've tried a few times, it was useless. One counsellor seen us both together, then separate. After a session he came home and announced I must be the problem, because the counsellor told him that no, if he doesn't want to come back he doesn't have to. We all know marriage counselling is not mandatory... The same counsellor told me that the marriage can't be helped if he doesn't want to cooperate.

Then a while later we went to another one. My xNPh announced that I told him I forgive him a number of times for different reasons, but I still remember what went on. Once you forgive, you suppose to forget, so it's all my fault. He told the counsellor that I must have a problem, since I'm not happily married. He is very happy in his marriage.

There is no problem solving with them. I have found that counselling just made me more aware of his craziness and my need to get away from him. Dolly

Also, if you do decide to go to therapy, do a lot of LISTENING and let N run his mouth and complain, complain, complain about you and all of the things he has "put up with".  One recurring issue with Ns and therapy is that they often believe they are smarter than the therapist. An N will try to make himself look like the "perfect" partner and in the process look even more dysfunctional and weird than usual. At the very least the therapist will recognize that he is trying to control the situation. 

 

While all this is going on, you should look totally calm and peaceful.  If he says things that bother you, don't roll your eyes, sigh, or burst into tears---just stay neutral, as if you are the most patient person on the planet.  The contrast will make him look emotionally unstable and out of control. This is especially important since there are minor children involved in your case.

Hi 22YearsOfNism, I am new too and you are my first reponse.  I just divorced Aug 20 after 22 years myself.  I have four great kids, but my Xna has turned the 3 still living at home totally against me.  I am now dead to my Xna and therefore he has my kids convinced of that too.  We did try counseling until on the 4th session he almost took a swing at the counselor and was told never to come back.  That was 4 years ago, and I managed to stick it out with him just for the kids sake.  I knew that he had always promised me if I left him I would never see my kids again etc.  I wanted to stick things out until my youngest was out of high school, but he suprised me last March and kicked me out while on a business trip.  I had a lawyer but my finances are tight, and I just wanted out of the marriage at that point.  At first he demaned full cust. but I was at least able to fight to get joint.  The sad thing is the kids don't want to talk to me.  I leave messages on their cell phones weekly and let them know I love them, but they never answer or call back.  I can't tell you how hard it has been, and the loss is just about killing me.  I only have contact with my oldest who is on a mission for my church and we e-mail weekly.  My Xna did try to ruin that too, but so far my son says he wishes to remain nutral.  I have dealt with verbal abuse and some physical (he mostly would thow things and hit things)  but many times he's held me in choke holds and threatened my life, and of course when he's calmed down he would lecture that I caused him to get that way.  If I was only a better wife, etc, and would try to make him happy etc.  Since the kids were tiny he has told them that he loves them so much more then me etc.  It killed me to hear the things he'd say, but if I challenged him on it, it would be a losing battle.  He tried to isolate me from friends and family etc. and contol just about everything I did.  I am so glad to say that I am finally free, and I pray that in time my kids will see through him and all his control and manipulation.  Good luck to you, and just surrond yourself with people that love and support you.  That is what is getting me through this. Unless you have a lot of money don't plan on the courts to help much.  Take care 3bsandj4

I haven’t had time to check the forum, but here is an update.  We are currently going to marriage counseling and she thinks that my H is also bi-polar.  Things are not going the way he planned with the counselor.  When the counseling is over, I will be filing for divorce.<o:p></o:p>

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Hey 22 years,

 

I am pretty new myself. There are so many people on this site with vast knowledge and understanding. It feels like such a releif to find out you are not crazy and/or alone. I have wandered since I was in High School what was wrong with my dad--and that was over...well...22 yrs.! When I came to this site and saw my dad's traits, over and over, in other people I was shocked. Anyway, I am glad you found this site and Welcome!

Blessings,

Annie

Hey 22 yrs,

Well, that is interesting. There seems to be a slew of us who had N's in our life that were "Bipolar". Some--at least mine--- were misdiagnosed. I read somewhere on this forum that N's are sometimes misdiagnosed as being Bipolar. Some one else can probably tell you more than I can about that.

 

Blessings,

Annie

Hey 3bs--

As an adult daughter of a N I know it took my sister and me differing length's of time to see through it. But we both did, eventually. I believe yours will too. They may already see more than you think but be afraid of N rage--

I am so sorry you are going through this!

 

Hugs,

Annie