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Divorce/Custody : Please reassure me, or listen to me vent, or whatever!!
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 Message 1 of 11 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknameMy2Ks  (Original Message)Sent: 29/08/2008 4:23 a.m.
If you want background on my "situation" with xnh, then read through any thread started ny me since June... I think there are four.
 

WARNING.......     Vent ahead�?/FONT>

I am SO FRUSTRATED right now! I feel like this entire custody thing should be centered around my DAUGHTER and what is best for HER!!! I feel like NOBODY is doing that! Not XH’s attorney, not XH, not Judge, not MY attorney!!! It’s all about he has joint legal custody so that is how things are!! The whole FRICKIN point is that needs to be CHANGED!!! Things CANNOT just be decided as the “normally�?are because he is NOT A NORMAL PERSON!!!!!!!  I am going to get an appointment with my attorney and he NEEDS to understand what we are dealing with in re: to my XH and what he is doing to my daughter, or I need to find a new attorney!! Basically the Judge said on the 21st that he is not going to rule on the “counselor issue�?(xnh is claiming that counselor is not "neutral". Even though he consented in the beginning and is saying the SAME thing every other MH prfessional has ever said) , that we have joint legal custody and if I take her to her counselor without his “consent�?(which he already gave and is now taking back!) then he has every legal right to file contempt charges against me, and that I have every legal right to DEFEND those charges. My attorney needs to be willing to FIGHT the contempt charge either way, because I am prepared for it�?Even IF I could get jail time for it!  He is threatening contempt because I wanted her to continue to see her current counselor until we found a new one.  To give her some closure and not impede on the wonderful progress she has been making. He says, No and he is filing contempt! Well, guess what??? My daughter is ADAMENT that she DOES NOT want to switch counselors!! Now what????? I don’t want to switch her! She has made so much progress! She is comfortable and already trusts her!!!! So, he WILL file contempt. I have e-mails stating he has been against every Mental Health professional she has seen since day one, that should go to show how unreasonable he is ! PLUS, now he says her Dr. is not neutral! WTF is that???? Uggh!

I just need someone to FIGHT!! Not for me, but for my CHILD who should be the point of this whole thing, but seems to be the last thought in everyone’s mind! Her Father most of all!!!!!

I have done SO WELL at staying calm and not letting him get to me, and I am not doing so well right now�?I am so mad/frustrated/sad for her!!! AND, she leaves Friday to visit for Labor Day weekend!

Vent over�?



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 Message 2 of 11 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nicknameaegis37Sent: 29/08/2008 5:24 a.m.
(((my2ks))))
I don't quite even know what to say, except WowWowWow after reading your previous posts and this one (I'm pretty new here so I hadn't seen the "new here - need advice" one.
What a nightmare!
You are describing so much of what I fear for the future with myxn and my son that its amazing. I'm sooo sorry your daughter is having to go thru this, no child should have to. Neither should you. I think it's great that you've got your daughter in counselling and phenomenally great that you've been able to make such progress finding out about her health conditions and treating them. You are an awesome Mom.
Myxn doesn't really care about my son either, he just wants to make that show of being the 'good guy' and 'great dad' when he has someone to impress. One of the few times he showed up to visit (For one day, when Eric was 3) he brought his newest gf with him and just played up the acting as much as he could. Of course, it was kind of interesting....as Eric had no clue who that strange man was! LOL!
I wish I knew more about the courts and all to be able to try to help you. But I really know nada... I don't even know that he can force a change of counsellors on you and your daughter? What does your lawyer say??? When you said, 'Not my attorney' I was a bit confused... do you feel that your attorney is not putting your daughters best interests first?? If you even half think that, I'd go shopping for a new one. I really would!
Is it possible that he might be bluffing about filing contempt charges? We all know how they like to have control and get reactions... maybe he just thought he could bully you into doing what he said by threatening like that? I'd be pi$$ed, too.
As I'm reading what you wrote it seems that until/unless he files the contempt charges you can't and aren't required to do anything? Surely a judge will listen to your daughters preference?? She is old enough to speak for herself in court, isnt she?
I'm sorry I don't have anything really useful or informative to say, I wish I did...but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Also that it's ok to be angry. I get angry every single time myxn puts his wishes before my sons needs, too. I will be praying for you and your daughter.
~aegiss
I'm really hoping for you that he is just trying to bullybluff you...
 

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Sent: 30/08/2008 2:58 a.m.
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 Message 4 of 11 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknamelivedthroughitSent: 30/08/2008 3:09 a.m.
My 2Ks,

I would be very upset with the attorney as well.

How long has your daughter seen this therapist? Did the N know about the therapist up front?

ExN also decided our daughter needed a new therapist when he realized he could not manipulate d's therapist. I fought it on the grounds that d was comfortable with the therapist and it wasn't in her best interest to change therapists. We won! She didn't have to change therapist.

Just my personal opinion here, but I think legally your arguement would be exactly what you are saying here. This is not about you, it's not about the N. This is about what is best for your d. Changing therapist is not in her best interest. Your mind is in the right place. If your attorney has problems seeing your point, then I'd say your attorney either doesn't care or can't see the forrest for the trees here.

How is the counselor not neutral? Professionally, the therapist has a duty to be neutral. That doesn't mean the therapist can't tell a child what his or her parent is doing is wrong. It doesn't mean that the therapist can't be critical of one or both parents. Is there any valid reason that he can argue that the therapist isn't neutral?

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 Message 5 of 11 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknameMy2KsSent: 30/08/2008 4:29 a.m.
I guess he says she is not neutral because she sees right through him! Plus, her office is downstairs from where I work..
 
He has known about her counselor since the VERY beggining and has met with her numerous times. With me, and by himself...
 
On Wednesday I sent him the list of Medicaid (State Insurance) approved coundelors. He has insurance for my daughter and she has Medicaid as a secondary insurance. The list I sent him had 37 facilities on it with at least 2 counselors at each facility.  At that point I was going to change, and then have one more counselor that says the same thing that her last 2 did. Then, when he once again claimed she was not nuetral I would have a strong case against switching... Since then I have decided I am not going to switch at all because my daughter is adament...  Anyway, here is the e-mail I recieved from him today...
 
 I have a problem with this counselor list.  There is nothing that says we need to choose a Medicaid counselor.  I have adequate health insurance and I will pay my portion of the co pay or deductible, but I do not want to be constrained by this list.  I will send you a list of counselors, but they will not be limited to Medicaid counselors.  I also believe that continuing to charge Medicaid every week is an abuse of taxpayer money.  By limiting my selections, you are still trying to control this process.  Thanks,
 
I think he is making my case FOR me...
 
 

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 Message 6 of 11 in Discussion 
From: snoopySent: 30/08/2008 2:22 p.m.
I wish I could reassure you, but I myself have been put in a situation where my exN wanted control over who, what, when where.   
Just this past March, because of 5 years of fighting, courts, counselors, mediator, shrinks, 2 lawyers, parenting coordinator......anyway, the judge after an entire day in court said we gave her a headache.....but..........she did award me, because of not being able to make rash decisions with my exN, the medical and school making decisions.   She did not change what I intended on going to court for and that was full custody...not to take his visitaion away from him...although that would be a goddsen for my daughters sake, but to have the decision making thing.  My lawyer did everything in her power to show his N personality.....it did come out.....but the judge didn't give a crap.  
Anyway,  can you stress to your lawyer that it is impossible to make decisions with this person, so is there anyway that you can fight in court for some control in the decision making process????  Keep all the letters and show her....if you can, tape conversations of him being unreasonable.  My tape recorder has had some bearing on things.  
Your ex needs that control and I understand because mine does the same thing.   I think in away that he fears that your child is going to say something that will hurt him in some way......that is why he does not want your child to get too comfortable with a certain counselor.  
Good luck to you.  Keep us posted

Reply
 Message 7 of 11 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknamecalmnotcrazySent: 31/08/2008 3:04 p.m.
I think you have a very strong case to keep you daughters psychologist... the continuity of care for her is what matters. That is really a separate issue that could be argued in family court. All they could look at and consider is: why he wants her to change counselors and why you don't. You would most likely win.

And if he keeps making joint decision making problems for you, then you might have a case to change that. Or you might have to use mediation to make decisions. Joint decision making doesn't mean the he can veto your decisions without a valid reason for doing so. Neither of you have veto power over the other.




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 Message 8 of 11 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknameNJSLMPMCSent: 1/09/2008 12:57 a.m.
My thoughts were similar to yours:


"Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a just man is also in prison." - H.D. Thoreau, 1849.

You say that you are imprisoning me for contempt of court. You are lying. You are imprisoning me for debt, in violation of the law which you have sworn to uphold. You are denying me my right to be tried by a jury of my peers, which you have sworn to uphold indisputably. You have denied my right to due process, and my God given rights by trying to usurp my authority as a parent and my dignity as a human being.

 Alexander Hamilton said: "The sacred rights of mankind are not to be rummaged for among old parchments or musty records. They are written as with a sunbeam in the whole volume of nature, by the hand of the divinity himself; and as such, can never be erased by any mortal power". Yet in your arrogance, you act as if I have no rights or sacred covenant to my child. I say to you, you have no business assuming responsibility for my daughter, and that in taking that responsibility upon yourself and placing her in a fatherless home in the custody of a parent incapable of providing for her, you and this state are responsible for her welfare.

By placing her in a fatherless home, you are placing her in jeopardy where her likelihood of becoming a delinquent and going to prison is higher by 8 times, to commit suicide by 5 times, to have behavioral problems by 20 times, to become a rapist by 20 times, to run away by 32 times, to abuse chemical substances by 10 times, to drop out of high school by 9 times, to be seriously abused by 33 times, to be fatally abused by 73 times, to be one tenth as likely to get A's in school, to have a 72% lower standard of living, and to be 10 times more likely as children from a father-headed household to be in a juvenile prison. This is child abuse!

You helped destroy my family by permitting such offensive behavior as adultery, lying under oath, and making false accusations to bolster an abusive pattern of irresponsibility to go unanswered by this court, and now you are trying to shift your responsibility for this onto me by blaming me for the law's incompetence to protect my child, and for the fact that I am unable to support two households with an income sufficient only for one.

 I’ve come here seeking relief through wisdom, temperance and justice, yet I’am met with a tempest of sanctimonious gavel pounding and inequity. You say that I must respect the law, yet respect is something that must be uniformly conveyed by both partners in any relationship for it to truly work harmoniously. You hide behind a veil of ambiguous laws and personal ideology in your disposition of what is deceptively proffered as justice. Your indifference to the very system of justice you represent troubles me greatly sir. Injustice offends my philosophic sensibilities and moral character. It deprives people of they’re dignity through apathy and a labyrinth of esoteric terminology. It is a parasite that leech’s on the defining attributes that were breathed into all men by our creator.

 In the words of Frederick Douglass; "Where justice is denied, where poverty is enforced, where ignorance prevails, and where any one class is made to feel that society is in an organized conspiracy to oppress, rob, and degrade them, neither persons nor property will be safe."

You want to know what my trouble is sir? My trouble is that by ignoring the unlawful and ungodly behavior of adultery. By allowing clearly false, unsubstantiated accusations and dishonest statements under solemn oath to go unpunished, and by neglecting to prosecute all the other contemptible behavior before this court, you have helped destroy yet another family; my family. And in doing so you’ve destroyed the very system of motivation which formerly made me a productive, financially stable and useful member of society - and are now about to make me a convict who can contribute nothing to society.

My trouble is the same trouble as that of millions of other American fathers that you and the other members of your profession are, by destroying more than half of America's families each year, destroying the very basis of our country’s social and economic well-being. My trouble is that you and your fellow judges imagine that by raging and pulling tantrums at responsible, respectable, and moral father’s like myself, you can compensate for the damage you are inflicting upon our society by your own weakness of character, your own lawlessness in refusing to keep your oath of office and administer justice impartially, and your lack of cognitive skill.

You may consider that my daughter didn't ask to be brought into the world. I say to you that she didn't ask to be ripped from a two-parent family where she was decently provided for by me, and placed by you in a situation where she is at higher risk of being impoverished, and at an even greater risk of delinquency and educational failure. You act as if my daughter is rummaging in garbage cans. This is because you placed her in a situation that would expose her to such a predicament, and now seek to displace your own unsettled feelings and poor judgement by earmarking me as yet another "deadbeat" scapegoat. She never rummaged in garbage cans when she was in my care.

Now...you may imagine that your demonstration of indignation towards me is beneficial to the State of <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">New Jersey</st1:place></st1:State>. But let me remind you that it will cost the state between $20,000 and $25,000 to imprison me for a year. During this time my estranged wife and my child will be on public support. During this time I will earn nothing and will therefore be withdrawing another $25,000 worth of productivity from the <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">New Jersey</st1:place></st1:State> economy. My company will be shut down and it’s employees will then also be dependent on state support as well. Furthermore, my future employability will be extremely impaired once I have a jail record. And when I get out, I’ll most likely have no drivers license to seek employment! I will be paying no taxes for the next year and reduced taxes in the future--perhaps none at all, since I may find myself driven into the underground economy, or compelled to leave this state in order to escape your bullying.

Your concern sir, is not as you pretend, for the best interests of my child. You never lost thirty seconds of sleep over my daughter, or any of the other children, you placed in fatherless households where they are far more likely to be impoverished, delinquent, and experience acute developmental problems. Your concern is merely to practice cheap judicial chivalry at my expense and to preserve a mindless legal "rule-of-thumb" which will save you the necessity of performing the duty for which you receive your salary. The duty of administering impartial justice and of thinking about what you routinely do when you destroy families and place children in fatherless households without any regard for the consequences

Hang in there!

Plum

<o:p> </o:p>


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Sent: 6/09/2008 3:03 a.m.
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 Message 10 of 11 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknameFrannie620Sent: 14/09/2008 2:41 p.m.
GOD MENTIONED and PRAISED
I wanted to post this information here - - - and I think this is a pretty good spot.  For YEARS we went through this stuff and now that the kids are older they want nothing, I mean NOTHING to do with their Crazy-N-parent. 
God has a way of working things out.  The N's sister told our kids of all the lies.  Now isn't that something?!   This N also got kids kicked out of their dance troop and was REMOVED from advisory board from another group.  
And by the way, when support was lost on the first child the new spouse lost his job.   Spouse got another job just in time for them to lose support for the second child - and then 1 month later N lost job.  This is God's justice for them stealing 78 thousand dollars (over an 8 years period), not only from us but also the kids because NONE of it was spent on them.  They didn't have any clothes, shoes, no moneys were saved for their college - NOTHING.
Oh we were frustrated just like you for YEARS and thought we would NEVER see any help/change in our situation.   We kept praying and although we didn't see anything, we kept believing. 

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