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Today was our final appearance before a Family Court Judge after a long, drawn out trial process over property and money. It has been a fiasco from start to finish with ex N, exploiting the legal system in every way he could through his very expensive lawyer and barrister. He earns a very high income and I was financially dependant on him when we were married. But when we met, he was legally bankrupt and we got our start from my credit and with the help of my family. He wanted to leave me in as difficult a situation as he could, in spite of the fact that I care for our daughter.
It was a nightmare of emotional abuse for 13 years, culminating in cold disposal once his new victim was well and truly hooked. I have fought him blow for blow through the courts for the last 2 years, for my own sanity and self esteem. I have fought my way back to strength and borrowed every dollar I have needed in order to minimize my disadvantaged financial position when it came to legal fees. I don't care that I'm going to have to pay that back from the money I will eventually get from settlement, it was the principle of the thing. I was not going to let him bully, threaten, manipulate or intimidate me one second longer and I have stuck to my values solidly the whole time. When we walked out of court today, he had clearly not gotten what he had been arguing for. I ended up with a better deal than anything he had offered, I got to keep all the stuff he wanted back and my lawyer argued against his costs proposals in a way that made him look dishonest, petty, arrogant and vindictive.
To top it off, I brought my new man with me to court for the first time, he looks good, much better than my ex who is now bloated from years of extravagant living and sitting on his butt ordering everyone else around, and to tell the truth, I look a lot better than I have in years. My ex had no idea I had a new relationship, let alone one that had progressed to the stage where he was supporting me with something so serious and personal as property settlement.
So given all that, why, when he walked out of court, right past me as I was in discussions with my new man and my lawyer did he look me right in the face and give me the weirdest looking smile (smirk) I had ever seen. I only caught the look with my periferal vision, because I was focusing on my conversation, but I caught it anyway and it shocked me because his usual attitude through this whole process has been to ignore me and avoid eye contact all together, so why now this? |
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Lucky, First off, let me say a BIG CONGRATS to you for making it through this horrible time in your life and coming through like a winner! Good for you! Let me ask - do you share any custody with the xnh? How old is your DD? The reason I ask is b/c my situation sounds much like yours...we share custody and when all was said in done in court - he still isn't done with me. He still tries to control things and get to me by using DD11. It doesn't work I am proud to say but not for lack of his trying. And to me that is what the xnh was saying to you with that smirk of his. The papers may be signed and you may have gotten the better deal but...watch out. Continue to stay strong and do what's best for you and your DD! No contact all the way! Good Luck - April |
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| hope you won't think this is too simple or not taking you seriously, but he smiled like that because he's a NPD. He's trying to manipulate you, hook you, take over your mind thinking about why he does this. Opt out. You're free |
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Hi serious,
thank you for your comments, this was actually my first assumption because from everything I have learned over the last 2 years of NC, and heaps of reading, the thing which makes most sense and stops my obsessive analysing is that nothing makes any sense about 'them', so as frustrating as it is, the only sane thing to do is to stop trying to figure them out, because in reality.... there is just nothing stable and solid under all the masks.
As he walked out of there, he must have been overwhelmed with his feeling of loss of control - of me, of his money, of 'his' house, of his TV and computer and his constructed self image. So a big cheesy grin, as inappropriate as it was, probably lifted his spirits and made him feel a little more in control again. I'm not sure if it was even conscious, if he was aware he did it, maybe on some level he was.
I'm still not sure though, he probably does have a few more nasty surprises up his sleeve, or perhaps annoying last ditch tactics to drag out his last threads of control just a little longer..... nothing I can't handle though, nothing can ever be as bad as what it was like to actually be with him and be afraid to leave. |
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Hi April,
Thank you for your comments and good wishes. To answer your questions:
I'm in Australia and I think the law may be a little different here. We do share custody of our 14 year old daughter, but she lives with me most of the time. My ex got a parenting order in place without my signature or consent, I'm not quite sure how he did this because at the time I had a very questionable lawyer who didn't communicate with me, lied to me and then disappeared for a month. I didn't even know there was an order until he had a contravention served on me. Our daughter, who was 12 at the time didn't want to see her dad or talk to him or anything, she had become quite disturbed about what was happening and was scared of him. I of course was refusing to have anything to do with him unless it was through my lawyer and this must have also made her scared. She got so freaked out at the thought of him she would cry, so I told her she didn't have to see him or talk to him if she didn't want to. I encouraged her to stay in touch with him via sms and email, which she tried, but he became quite nasty and manipulative with her via email.
Long story short, I got a new lawyer, got charged with contrvention of parenting order and went to trial, but it never went through the process, got thrown out, we were told to talk to a court psychologist. I had a hard time getting DD to talk to a psychologist, but eventually managed to. Long story short, ex N and DD had some counselling separately and together with a child psychologist. He got seriously put in his place and told how he should be treating a teenage girl and she got her power back..... its been ok since then, she still doesn't like him all that much, she endures him, enjoys all the technology he buys her, and enjoys the company of her new step brother who is the same age as her and of course is a bit protective of her new step mom (e-N's girlfriend really, not married, don't even live together), DD says she is really nice, a lot like me and she doesn't want to see her get hurt the way I was.... which I perfectly understand. I have tried to warn her a couple of times too, but she was/is lied to as much as me. He had both of us at the same time for a couple of years with complimentary stories for each of us, I think he was planning on keeping it up for as long as he could, but I caught him out and changed the locks, actually he told me to, and gave me the money to do it, but I don't think he believed I would actually do it, it was supposed to be his way of looking like the remorseful, kind husband who was willing to make amends. He had no idea that for the past month I had been praying for a way to escape safely without putting DD through a lot of emotional trauma. That 'offer' was our papers to freedom, I grabbed it and ran and never looked back, but the first month after I changed the locks was a pure nightmare, I was in fight or flight mode most of the time, not knowing what he was going to do, my stress levels were through the roof. Anything from the phone ringing or a noise outside would put me into a panic. I thought the house was bugged and that I was being cyber stalked, even now, two years later I can get a bit paranoid. Just the other day when I was going into the city by train a woman was overly friendly with me, asking about were I worked. I immediately thought that she must be a private investigator N had hired. I was very cold to her and made sure I sat far away from her on the train, even went so far as to walk one way and then change direction to throw her off guard...... this is my state of mind after 2 years of total NC apart from through lawyers. But its getting better, slowly. Two years, two trials and two million reasons to be grateful that I escaped and have a second chance at life.
Of course, the only way he can hurt me now is through our daughter, but she is 14 and can speak for herself now, she does, she stands up to him like I never did because she can. She could decide to NC him again, quite easily and lose no sleep, but she likes the stuff and the way he throws extravagant parties for her and her friends, friends and popularity are so important to teenage girls, I guess he realizes this. He must also realize just how little control he actually has over her, especially now that she is 14 and can legally say no to him all by herself. I still worry that he is going to kidnap her and take her out of the country (he comes from somewhere else and has family there). I sometimes worry that he is going to have me investigated by child welfare with some trumped up 'evidence', he's always making comments to DD that I'm a whore and that when she is not home I have a whole bunch of guys over and that she should make sure I know that she is coming home so that I can throw them all out of the house.
Anyway, I guess he still 'owns' a very small part of me and always will because of our daughter, but the older she gets the less he will have.
Sorry to ramble on, just meant to answer your questions. But its nice finally to actually be able to pour a few things out to people who understand what its like from the inside.
Even though I've never actually posted before, I have often checked these boards for support and comfort, so thankyou for being here. |
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|  0 recommendations | Message 6 of 11 in Discussion |
| | Sent: 4/11/2008 6:43 a.m. |
| This message has been deleted by the author. |
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Don't be surprised if he destroys your property. That was a look of jealous, deceit and I've gotcha! |
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Hi plumfrog,
thank you for your comment. I'm sure that at the time he was probably feeling all kinds of horrible things, including jealousy. Just the fact that I appeared quite happy and was in the company of an obviously pleasant, supportive new partner. But why do you think he is going to go after my property? Have you had some personal experience of this kind of thing or have read about it.
From my past experience of the way my ex-N behaves, he has only become overtly or physically violent when he has been on the verge of losing control of me or of the situation involving me, if there has been no one else around to witness it and if he is certain he will be able to get out of responsibility for it.
My ex-N is the kind which needs power, respect and admiration. Failing that, he likes to be feared or appreciated. He gets most of this from his career and from his reputation through his career. He has a rather high profile in his industry and presents a very respectable, self controlled image. So it really wouldn't serve him well to hang around outside our house throwing bricks. If he was going to do something, it would have to be well planned and he would have to hire other people to do his dirty work.
Another thing I have learned about my ex-N is that he is lazy and will usually take the easiest route to fast gratification. He also has a bad memory and is distracted quite easily.
I wouldn't be surprised by anything he does, nothing about him is logical, rational or predictable. But some things never change and in all the time I have known him, he has never made an effort to do anything unless he is certain there will be some kind of beneficial payoff for him personally, sooner rather than later.
So would you please elaborate and tell me more. Why do you think he is going to start vandalizing things. Oh! another thing, we live about an hour apart, so he would have to drive for a whole hour to get anywhere near my property and then an hour back, he would find that boring and a waste of time when he could be buying expensive hookers for his clients or feeling a sense of 'having made it', by smoking cuban cigars with his boss. |
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Lucky, WOW! You have quite the story and I am sorry you have had to endure such a horrible experience. The XNs in our lives sound similiar...so do our daughters and the stuggle they have with their Nfathers. So sad really. I wish you all the best and stay safe and strong! April |
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I replied to this at some length about a week ago, pressed the send thing and disappeared somewhere. So, briefly as possible: I occasionally posted on an earlier version of this site but something changed a few months ago and I lost touch. I wonder what happened to the other contributors, especially Summer? My daughter divorced an N, a nightmare which went on forever. On the day of the FINAL court case she virtually won everything, the children, the house, although she had to buy him out of his 'share' (he seldom worked or contributed anything but that's another story). Anyway, on that final day after the case I went back to her house with her and the two boys. Who should be ther but the N himself, outside on the sidewalk. Something snapped in me and I saw red. Bear in mind he had dragged my D through over 5 years of hell in the courts, not to mention that he almost strangled her to death. (he said his hands accidentally went around her throat as he tried to protect himself from her!) So, I told him to %*" off, that he was a coward who could only hit women but above all, I repeatedly called him a loser because by then I had learned that Ns hate to lose anything. He just backed off and went up the road. About an hour later I left my D's house and the N was walking down the other side of the road. He gave the strangest smile, just like you describe.I don't think any normal person can figure out the mind of an N especially as I believe they are mentally ill. The best way I can explain the extremely strange smile is that it is a form of submission. I think they regard all the court cases and the unbelievable cruelty they inflict as some sort of game, no more than say a game of tennis. So, when they eventually are forced to lose they give this strange smile, just as they would a tennis opponent, then they move on to the next 'game'. They have almost destroyed you and the children but it is meaningless to them.I don't think you have anything to worry about from your ex N (although I wont give you a written guarantee). Certainly, my D's N moved on to his next victim and caused little further trouble to my D beyond using the only weapon he had left: witholding child maintenance. Best wishes |
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Hi Sailor2bill, Thanks for re-posting your message, it makes a lot of sense to me and has eased my mind. Its been a couple of weeks now and it seems that nothing much has transpired apart from life as usual and the slow progression towards the court ordered financial orders.... no nasty exploding packages, no drive-by shootings and not even a nasty email. So thanks..... I'm getting on with life and its changes. |
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