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My Grandmother came from Poland. She was the daughter of a Rabbi, whom
she adored. When her mother died of cancer, he remarried. She did not
like the step-mom, so at 17 (in 1917) She came to the U.S., taught
herself English, became a seamstress, and eventually married a very
abusive man, my Grandfather Benjamin. His family came around the same
time; after his father, Izaak, killed a Cossack that was terrorizing
their village (around Minsk), and they had to leave quickly. Ben was
the baby of 5 children and slow to grow up, he didn't want to work, but
finally took a job as a tailor. my Grandmother Sonia though of herself
as a poet, more elevated and refined than most. She wrote mostly
formulaic and uninteresting poetry. My Grandfather was actually very
talented, and drew several pieces in a folk style, using crayon or
colored pencil. Sonia had to move into Ben's parents house after they
got married, They were working class, boisterous, and she felt
superior to them. She never made any friends- no one was good enough.
My last image of her is sitting in her nursing home room, head held
high, staring into the distance while listening to a record of herself
singing.
She had three children, Claire, the oldest was a paranoid
schizophrenic, my mother Ruth, and the baby, Arthur. My memories of
that apartment in Brighton beach are mainly of screaming and throwing
things around, interspersed with great meals , some laughter, card
games, and trips to the beach. My grandfather would throw plates and
make my grandmother pick them up- she had a broken hip with pins in it,
and this was painful. He used to sit in a chair next to the hallway
and stick out his cane on time for my Aunt Claire to come though,
carrying a load of something, and tripping over the cane. Claire pretty
much lived at home, with my grandparents until my grandfather died. My
mother moved my grandmother down to Atlanta to be near her. Claire kept
the apartment and lived independently until dying of cancer in 1982. My
Grandmother went kicking and screaming down to Atlanta, where she was
taken care of very well in an assisted living facility, but she set the
place on fire a few times by forgetting to turn off her burners, and
then refusing to throw away her disposable diapers, she thought it was
a waste of money. They got to smelling so bad that no one would come in
to clean her apartment When she finally died, at the age of 94, in the
nursing home she was transferred to, they had to replace the floor.
Nothing was ever good enough for her. She would never admit that she
had done anything wrong. When my sister got divorced from her
manic-depressive, pill popping husband, and was mourning that it was
getting too late to consider having children, she made constant
comments about her failure to have children. When I finally got married
to my Narcissistic cocaine-addict husband, and did have a child, it was
“so when are you going to have the next one?�?Nothing was ever good
enough, nothing ever enough. My Uncle Arthur was the baby. The only son in a Jewish household, so
absolutely NOTHING was too good for him. While my mother was bending
over backwards to take care of my grandmother, Arthur did nothing, but
my grandmother constantly raved about her ‘sonny’, and how wonderful he
was. He lived in Boston as a government worker, never married, never
had children, never even got close to it, treated women like crap- I
witnessed it several times with his girlfriends, and is now a cranky
old man in his seventies, living alone on his retirement in
Massachusetts. I think he’s gone senile. He sends us e-mails, ranting
and raving about the situation in Israel, but has never done an
altruistic thing in his life. As for My father, Bernard, his father also came to this country in
1917- Joe had been in the mounted cavalry in Odessa. He was violent and
an alcoholic. My father started working at age 8. His mother threw
herself off of their building when he was 13. He was in the building at
the time, but they wouldn’t let him see her. It was never discussed. He
never mourned. My grandfather Joe married shortly thereafter, and my
father was unhappy with the situation, so he left and lived with his
sister Florence, who pretty much raised him. Another sister, who has
MS, (and who my father adored) disappeared to an institution and was
never seen again. My father detested his father, but grew up to be just like him
alcoholic, coarse, sarcastic, abusive in every way- mentally,
emotionally, and sexually . His alcoholism did not prevent him from
becoming a very successful businessman, wealthy and well respected by
his peers. My parents met in the military. They married after three dates. They
were married for 50 years, until my mother died of liver cancer in
1996. After they married, my mother forbid my father from contacting his
sister who raised him, who he loved deeply, but somehow he acquiesced
to this demand. Something happened around the time I turned eight. before that, we were
a pretty normal family. We had great holidays and birthday parties,
conversation around the dinner table. My mother discovered, in her 40’s that she was an artist. After that,
my sister Rowann and I became rather a burden. She became distant and
hostile towards us. She did manage to become somewhat recognized in the
southern arts community, but she was unhappy about it. She never got
enough recognition for her work. It was embarrassing to visit galleries
with her. She would tirelessly promote her work, push her portfolio of
photograhs in every gallery manager’s face, speaking loudly. She would
then walk around the gallery loudly denigrating the work of the artists
exhibiting, and drop names of other artist friends of hers. My parents became wealthy. They went to Europe or Asia twice a year. My
mother went to Italy every summer to the marble quarries to work, had
marble shipped back to the U.S., at great expense, because there wasn’t
any “good enough�?to work with here. They entertained lavishly, and
yet, she was profoundly unhappy. The only way she felt redeemed as an
artist was when she sold a piece of her sculpture. She thought no one
cared about her. Around 200 people attended her funeral. My parents constantly mentally abused my sister and myself, telling us
that we were stupid and would never amount to anything. My mother would
hover in my door way with a drink in her hand, stating, in a southern
accent (even though she was from Scranton Pennsylvania). the “we would
never be anything better than nigger-maids, scrubbing floors and wiping
tables�?
There was never any discussion, conversation in our household. It was
either silent, or screaming and yelling about something we did wrong,
and then hitting.
If there was conversation,if we got excited about an idea, or had an
opinion, they would come up with twenty reasons that it was stupid or
would never work. In my twenties, I finally stopped talking to them
about anything that meant anything to me.
I don’t remember much laughter. my parent’s conversations between
themselves were always serious, grumbling things, with yelling. I
don’t remember a normal conversational tone, or laughter between my
parents when growing up. I knew that if they started yelling at each
other, after about an hour, my mom would come to my room and start
yelling at me, and maybe slap me a few times for good measure. It seems
like this happened most days of the week, for years during adolescence.
By this time, my sister had married and moved out. Her relationship
with them was even worse. I didn’t have friends growing up- was a loner. Didn’t develop
friendships until college. Kids thought I was retarded because I would
sit in he back of the classroom, stare out the window, write poems and
draw pictures- they called me “it�? and “contaminated�? In 1978 my husband to be, Bob, came out from the east coast on an
adventure. He was 24 and already a successful commercial photographer
at one of the top studios in New York.( I was 27) . He had a 160 plus
IQ. He was a creative genius, a ton of fun, hysterically funny. On
our first date, we walked all over San Francisco, talking the whole
while. We had wonderful conversations. He moved in with me shortly
after we met, and proposed shortly after that. I had not had much
success with relationships before. This was like a dream come true.
Bob’s father had been a violent alcoholic. He was the oldest of five in
an Italian family, and he told me that he pretty much raised his
brothers and sisters since the age of 14. I though this made him
mature- that he knew what responsibility was, and I had a lot of
respect for him. He was financially irresponsible, but I figured that
it was because he was young, and he would mature.
We had two wonderful fun-filled, adventurous, creative years. I
confided everything to him; my deepest secrets, fears and
insecurities. Then systematically, he turned them all against me. My
housekeeping wasn’t good enough, or my cooking (and I was a chef by
profession). he would tell me he had said something, or told me to do
something, when he hadn’t, and then tell me I had a memory problem. I
thought I was going insane. We started dealing cocaine, and both became
addicted. When I told him I wanted to get help, he stated flatly that
he wasn’t interested, it wasn’t a problem for him . When I became
pregnant with our daughter, he became even more seriously addicted. He
stole at work. He was fired from a number of prestigious jobs. He would
be hired for his talent, but get fired when he wouldn’t show up for
work, because he had been up all night the night before.
He accused me of being the reason for his addiction because I was so
depressed all of the time. Well, I was depressed because, for one
thing, I had postpartum depression, and secondly, I was wondering if I
was going to have to support him and my daughter for the rest of my
life. he would spend all night writing, planning his masterpiece of a life,
and how he was going to achieve his ends to successful business
project, or art project, never coming to fruition because he was too
stoned. he sold all of his photography equipment for drugs.
I supported us on a line cook salary (not much) Finally, I realized that I had to get Robin, our daughter away from the
cocaine, and dealing, and I was starting to have a problem staying away
from it , so I divorced Bob. He did not want to get a divorce, accused
me of being a ‘quitter’,for not wanting to stay to work it out.
We had joint custody. To be honest, I was afraid to go for sole
custody, I thought Bob might try to kill me, and also, Robin adored
him- he was fun! And I was always depressed, ground down and exhausted
from being responsible. She preferred him to me. I dated little after the divorce- was too tired, working and raising
Robin. I have not had a relationship since I divorced Bob in 1986.
Also, Robin had problems of her own, being raised between the two of
us. She was an angry, hyperactive little girl, and I knew that she
would drive away anyone I cared about. Robin turned 18 and I thought I would start dating again. Then in 1999
I had a work related injury, went on disability, retrained and
graduated just in time for the dot-com bubble to burst in the bay area.
It took me two years to find a full time job. My self esteem during
this time was at an all time low, and I put off dating, figuring that
no one would be interested in an unemployed woman in her late forties. I am now employed, and have a great job. I feel good about myself for
the most part. I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter, But I
have this nagging habit pattern of becoming attracted to unhealthy
men. When I started working, I met a man in my department, Marc. When I
first met him, my gut reaction was ‘there’s something seriously wrong
with this guy, he’s scary�?
Then we got to know each other a little- he’s intense, highly
intelligent, can be very friendly, funny in the sarcastic way that I
like, and of course, I fell in love with him. He is very arrogant and
has had several arguments that have alienated many people, including
myself. He calls people ‘stupid�?(not to their face). He had brought
several people to tears when training them to use their computers.
We all had to take a workshop about how to manage our emotions because
of an argument that took place very publicly between him and another
employee in our department, Our department has a reputation, company
wide, of having bad communication. Another coworker in our department
quit because of his constant verbal abuse. And he never understands
people’s reaction to him-He gets very upset, but can’t seem to
understand what about his behavior causes it. His constant is
“You don’t know how to communicate with me�? when things start going
wrong. He says he’s a ‘linear thinker’, as if this is precious ands
special. My boss doesn’t care, as long as the work gets done. He has
told us in the past that we are all adults, and he expects us to work
these things out between each other- he does not want to become
involved. Marc is 48 years old and lives with his mother. he says it’s the only
way he can afford not to send her to a nursing home, She is 82, and
functional- writes articles for consumer electronics magazines. His
Father left when he was young, He says that he never speaks to him-
there’s no point, because his Father only talks about himself when he
tries. The only time Marc becomes animated in face or voice is when he
talks about his mother, something she’s done, somewhere she went. I have included some notes that I made for record keeping purposes, for
our Human Resources department, in case I ever need them.
They are below. 1/5/04 Marc asked me to create an set of instructions for the Help Desk, to
send to our employees- he mentioned including screen shots, and a
simple guide, so I did it, and emailed him a copy asking for input. As
I was leaving (early, Eric sent us home at about 2) He printed it out,
didn't bother to read it, and handed it to Eric. I asked Marc what he
thought of it, and he said he wanted it much more concise, like 1/2 a
page, but was not more specific. His attitude (I felt) was dismissive
and sarcastic. I mentioned that without the screen shots, it would be
half a page. 1.27.04 I went to ask Marc if he had spoken to Jonathan about a help desk
issue. He said that he thought Pam had sent an e-mail, He mentioned
that he was in the process of 'saving' Pam's presentation. I said
something along the lines of fine when you have the time for an
answer... and started walking back to my desk. Then I came back and
asked him if he had the revised asset import Eric had mentioned for me
to enter into the help desk. Marc then mentioned that he thought I was
pissed off about something, the way I walked away from him previously.
I mentioned no, not about this, but I had tried to communicate with him
about something else, with no success, and why didn't he respond to my
e-mail about the event of last December. He said that interpreted my
letter as a desire for him to 'fix' something. I said no, that I just
wanted to establish a dialog. At that point he walked away to address
Pam's issue.
About a half hour later I came back to him and asked if he wanted to
talk about it. We scheduled for 11:30.
We had a very good conversation. He mentioned that he had been very
busy, and he had said at the time that he would look at it when he had
the time. He also said that he didn’t sleep well very often, and it
made him “grumpy�? He also said that he felt that he did more than his
share of the work in his department, and when he came home he got his
mother’ list of complaints about things that needed to be done around
the house. He apologized at one point if I misunderstood him- I said
apology accepted, let’s move on. Everything as far as I'm concerned has
been resolved as a result of this meeting.
5/21/04
In addition to what I have already documented, I will add these items: In March, (I think it was Sunday March 14th) I invited Marc for a walk
in the hills. I wanted to get to know him outside of the workplace. I
believe we had a pleasant walk. We talked at great length about
ourselves- I think he enjoyed it as well. At the end, I asked if he
wanted to do it again. He said yes. He said it was good to have a grown
up to talk to at work.
I said that I probably couldn’t do it again until after I came back
from vacation, I was leaving April 2nd, but in the middle of the week,
I decided not to let things lag and I asked him if he wanted to go to a
movie on the following weekend. He asked if he could say maybe, that he
had a lot of housework to catch up on. I assumed this to mean no, but
said sure, fine, and of course I didn’t hear from him that weekend.
That following Monday, I went to discuss a technical problem with him,
and added afterward that I wished that he would have at least called me
to say that he couldn’t make it out that weekend, he put his hand on my
shoulder, looked me in the eyes and said that I was “taking it way too
personally�? A few weeks later, I screwed up all my courage again, and
asked him if having too much housework to do meant having too much
housework to do, or if that was the equivalent of �?I can’t see you, I
have to wash my hair�? Again he assured me that I was taking things
too personally. That he had laundry, he had to wash his car- he went on
at great length about the layers of paint on his car and how important
it was for him to keep it clean, and the amount of yard work he had to
do. Last weekend (May 15) I was waiting for the tow truck. It was a
beautiful day, and I felt good, and I was thinking of Marc. So I sent
him e-mail to his
.mac account (not work). Expressing to him that I hoped that we could
have more than just a working relationship - that we could have a
friendship outside of the workplace. I received no answer. 5/17-21, He will not look at me, and not talk to me, not make eye
contact. I spoke to my other coworkers, and they said that they are
getting the same treatment from him. On Wednesday he went to my
associate Michael to ask about a help desk problem, which is my
project- Michael has minimal input into it, and of course Michael told
him as much, and then Marc just breezed by me without making any
contact. He rode down the elevator with us as Pam and I went out to lunch. He
addressed Pam in conversation, and not me. Later Pam told me that
during one moment when I was turned away, he made a very “sour�?face at
me. On Thursday he came to talk to me about something, and was polite,
and smiled, and thanked me, bur was very, very cold. We had a discussion on the next Monday after work, we had a tech
meeting, and I figured it might be a good time to catch him. I told him
that I sensed a distance, and I didn’t want things to be uncomfortable
between us, and to just forget the e-mail letter- if that’s what was
bothering him- a good working relationship was the most important thing
to me. We went into a conference room and had what I thought was a
very honest discussion. I admitted that I found him attractive. He had
no idea. He asked me what I wanted, and why I liked him. I told him he
had qualities that I liked, that I wanted to get to know him better. He
said that he found me attractive too, but he felt that we were at
different places in life- that firstly, we worked in the same
department- (admittedly a tricky situation), and he said he thought he
might still want to try and have a family- but he didn’t say no. I told
him to think about it. . Our working relationship improved after this
discussion (I thought) 6/11/04 Last Wednesday (6/9) I cam into the IT tech area and asked people if we
could all meet for this brainstorming session we had planned for
Tuesday. Marc had been sick, and we postponed it. We were all at our
desks, so I thought it would be a good time. I asked if any one had
anything to do, or something like that, and Marc made a comment like
“like eat lunch?�?It was around 1:30. I went to get some papers from my
desk for the meeting, and when I came back to the tech area, Marc was
gone- he had gone to lunch, I was irritated, and I also went out to
lunch.
When I returned, he sent me an e-mail asking me to do something. I did
it and emailed him back, saying that it was done, and by the way, where
was that at to leave when I was trying to hold a meeting.
He did not respond. I didn’t want to let it go, so I went over to his
desk and asked.
I can’t remember all of the dialogue, but he asked what I thought he
meant when he said “like eat Lunch�? I said I don’t know - that maybe
you wanted to eat lunch- I said that all I wanted was a yes or no
answer- yes, it’s a good time to meet, or no it’s not- maybe later-- he
went completely on the offensive, said he hadn’t done anything wrong-
wasn’t going to apologize for his actions- at this point Eric walked in
from his office to mediate- which was partially successful- Marc said
all he did was go out for lunch and now he was “in the doghouse�?Eric
assured him he was not, and said It was over and that I should
reschedule the meeting. The next few days he wouldn’t look or talk to me. I went over to his
desk on Friday (6/11), and in the most conciliatory posture (kneeling
next to his desk, looking up at him), asked if things were o.k. between
us, that I didn’t want there to be any tension.
I hadn’t meant to bring it all up again, but Marc went into again, how
I didn’t understand how to communicate with him, That he hates
impromptu meetings, and went into how he had so many ideas about how to
save the company money, but he had to run around all the time and do
other lesser things that took up all of this time, and how little time
he has, to eat lunch- he feels like he has to grab the chance. He said
he was playing therapist to half the department as it is- I assured him
that was the last thing I wanted from him. He said that he felt like
when he didn’t give me the attention I wanted I gave him “puppy dog
eyes�?�?which really horrified me- I am not aware of this behavior, but
I guess there must be something to it if he’s saying it) That he was
only there to work to pick up a paycheck and didn’t want these kind of
communication difficulties. I told him that communication went both
ways, and that he too, had to learn to communicate with others the way
they need to be communicated with. He totally did not get this, as far
as I can tell.
He said that our communication was bad. He mentioned that we had
problems before. He did apologize for something at one point, but I was
so rattled I can’t remember what it is.
I started to say that everyone has disagreements on occasion, that
people talk it out, work it out- it doesn’t necessarily mean that all
the communication is bad, that some of our communication has indeed,
been very good. That’s what I wanted to say but someone came in looking
for Eric, and Marc left to show him where Eric was. That’s the last I
saw of him on Friday. 8/15.
There was about two, three weeks that we didn’t talk to each other. I
decided to stay away- be friendly when we work together, but not be
personal. He is back to be friendly, even a little flirtatious
sometimes. I do not respond, but believe it or not, I’m still attracted
to him. It all makes me very sad.
Since September another department member, my supervisor, left the department because of this man. Fortunately for her, this meant a promotion.
This is a bright, intelligent, giving, warm woman, had been in the department for five years. Marc has been there a little over one year. She was in my bosses' office with this co-worker, Marc, and he attacked her verbally, told her again that she didn't communicate with him in the right way, that she "pushed all of his buttons'. and thought they should have a mediated meeting with Human Resources, and a therapist for my supervisor to deal with her "father issues". My boss did nothing to defend her, or to stop him.
Question number one: 1. How does one stop responding/ being attracted to narcissists when you were
raised by a family of them, it's the behavior you were raised with,
how you expect to be treated.
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| | From:  samvak | Sent: 8/11/2004 1:52 p.m. |
Hi, Laurel, welcome aboard and thank you for a fascinating read. You obviously can't help being attracted to men who resemble the sorry male role models of your formative years. See this: But this is not your main problem. The issue you have to tackle is your inability to detach from such people even though you realize that they are detrimental to your well-being. Even when abused, you seem to continue to gravitate towards your abuser. Your behavior borders on clinging ("puppy eyes") - which only exacerbates the abusive conduct: This is called "co-dependence". Co-dependents People who depend on other people for their emotional gratification and the performance of Ego or daily functions. They are needy, demanding, submissive. They fear abandonment, cling and display immature behaviours in their effort to maintain the "relationship" with their companion or mate upon whom they depend. No matter what abuse is inflicted upon them �?they remain in the relationship. See also the definition of the Dependent Personality Disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-IV-TR, 2000). You don't strike me as an Inverted Narcissist, though: Inverted Narcissist Also called "covert narcissist", this is a co-dependent who depends exclusively on narcissists (narcissist-co-dependent). If you are living with a narcissist, have a relationship with one, if you are married to one, if you are working with a narcissist, etc. �?it does NOT mean that you are an inverted narcissist. To "qualify" as an inverted narcissist, you must CRAVE to be in a relationship with a narcissist, regardless of any abuse inflicted on you by him/her. You must ACTIVELY seek relationships with narcissists and ONLY with narcissists, no matter what your (bitter and traumatic) past experience has been. You must feel EMPTY and UNHAPPY in relationships with ANY OTHER kind of person. Only then, and if you satisfy the other diagnostic criteria of a Dependent Personality Disorder, can you be safely labelled an "inverted narcissist". Still, you may benefit from reading this: The Inverted Narcissist - Codependence and Relationships with Abusive Narcissists Whatever the "diagnosis" - you need professional help. You cannot get rid of early childhood imprinting on your own. Cognitively, you may be well aware of your predicament. But this is not enough. You need to internalize these insights. Treatment Modalities and Psychotherapies Take care. Sam |
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What do I do about this guy at work.
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| | | From: samvak | Sent: 9/11/2004 3:00 p.m. |
Hi, Laurel, Narcissists feel suffocated by intimacy, or by the constant reminders of the REAL, nitty-gritty world out there. It reduces them, makes them realise the Grandiosity Gap between their fantasies and reality. It is a threat to the precarious balance of their personality structures ("false" and invented) and treated by them as a menace. Narcissists forever shift the blame, pass the buck, and engage in cognitive dissonance. They "pathologize" the other, foster feelings of guilt and shame in her, demean, debase and humiliate in order to preserve their sense of superiority. Narcissists are pathological liars. They think nothing of it because their very self is false, their own confabulation. Here are a few useful guidelines: -
Never remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity. You can aggrandize even your office supplies, the most mundane thing conceivable by saying: "These are the BEST art materials ANY workplace is going to have", "We get them EXCLUSIVELY", etc.; -
Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on the narcissist's self-image, omnipotence, superior judgement, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence. Bad sentences start with: "I think you overlooked �?made a mistake here �?you don't know �?do you know �?you were not here yesterday so �?you cannot �?you should �?(interpreted as rude imposition, narcissists react very badly to perceived restrictions placed on their freedom) �?I (never mention the fact that you are a separate, independent entity, narcissists regard others as extensions of their selves)�? You get the gist of it. Manage your narcissistic co-worker. Notice patterns in his bullying. Is he more aggressive on Monday mornings - and more open to suggestions on Friday afternoon? Is he amenable to flattery? Can you modify his conduct by appealing to his morality, superior knowledge, good manners, cosmopolitanism, or upbringing? Manipulating the narcissist is the only way to survive in such a tainted workplace. Can the narcissist be harnessed? Can his energies be channeled productively? This would be a deeply flawed �?/SPAN> and even dangerous �?/SPAN> "advice". Various management gurus purport to teach us how to harness this force of nature known as malignant or pathological narcissism. Narcissists are driven, visionary, ambitious, exciting and productive, says Michael Maccoby, for instance. To ignore such a resource is a criminal waste. All we need to do is learn how to "handle" them. Yet, this prescription is either naive or disingenuous. Narcissists cannot be "handled", or "managed", or "contained", or "channeled". They are, by definition, incapable of team work. They lack empathy, are exploitative, envious, haughty and feel entitled, even if such a feeling is commensurate only with their grandiose fantasies and when their accomplishments are meager. Narcissists dissemble, conspire, destroy and self-destruct. Their drive is compulsive, their vision rarely grounded in reality, their human relations a calamity. In the long run, there is no enduring benefit to dancing with narcissists �?/SPAN> only ephemeral and, often, fallacious, "achievements". Also Read Narcissism in the Boardroom Narcissists in the Workplace Chat Transcript Pathological Narcissism - A Dysfunction or a Blessing? The Psychology of Corporations and Corporate Officers Narcissists in Positions of Authority Bully at Work - Interview with Tim Field The Narcissist's Confabulated Life The Entitlement of Routine The Labours of the Narcissist The Professions of the Narcissist Interviews and Articles in the Media Open Site Workplace Violence Narcissistic Confinement Narcissistic Leaders New Narc City Bully Online Take care. Sam |
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How do I defend myself if I find him arguing and becoming verbally
abusive again.
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| | | From: samvak | Sent: 10/11/2004 1:48 p.m. |
Hi, Laurel, Your third question merely rephrases your second. Some additional reources: Take care. Sam |
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How do you earn trust from someone who has been abused by another
in the past and has problems trusting others.
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Reply
| | | From: samvak | Sent: 11/11/2004 2:47 p.m. |
By being just, balanced, predictable, honest, and mature, Laurel. The narcissistic condition emanates from a seismic breach of trust, a tectonic shift of what should have been a healthy relationship between the narcissist and his Primary Objects (parents or caregivers). Some of these bad feelings are the result of deeply entrenched misunderstandings regarding the nature of trust and the continuous act of trusting. For millions of years nature embedded in us the notion that the past can teach us a lot about the future. This is very useful for survival. And it is also mostly true with inanimate objects. With humans the story is less straightforward: it is reasonable to project someone's future behaviour from his past conduct (even though this proves erroneous some of the time). But it is mistaken to project someone's behaviour onto other people's. Actually, psychotherapy amounts to an attempt to disentangle past from present, to teach the patient that the past is no more and has no reign over him, unless the patient lets it. Our natural tendency is to trust, because we trust our parents. It feels good to really trust. It is also an essential component of love and an important test thereof. Love without trust is dependence masquerading as love. We must trust, it is almost biological. Most of the time, we do trust. We trust the universe to behave according to the laws of physics, soldiers not to go mad and shoot at us, our nearest and dearest not to betray us. When trust is broken, we feel as though a part of us dies, is hollowed out. Not to trust is abnormal and is the outcome of bitter or even traumatic life experiences. Mistrust or distrust are induced not by our own thoughts, nor by some device or machination of ours �?but by life's sad circumstances. To continue not to trust is to reward the people who wronged us and made us distrustful in the first place. Those people have long abandoned us and yet they still have a great, malignant, influence on our lives. This is the irony of the lack of trust. So, some of us prefer not to experience this sinking feeling of trust violated. They choose not to trust and not to be disappointed. This is both a fallacy and a folly. Trusting releases enormous amounts of mental energy, which is better invested elsewhere. But trust �?like knives �?can be dangerous to your health if used improperly. You have to know WHO to trust, you have to learn HOW to trust and you have to know HOW to CONFIRM the existence of mutual, functional trust. People often disappoint and are not worthy of trust. Some people act arbitrarily, treacherously and viciously, or, worse, offhandedly. You have to select the targets of your trust carefully. He who has the most common interests with you, who is invested in you for the long haul, who is incapable of breaching trust ("a good person"), who doesn't have much to gain from betraying you �?is not likely to mislead you. These people you can trust. You should not trust indiscriminately. No one is completely trustworthy in all fields. Most often our disappointments stem from our inability to separate one area of life from another. A person could be sexually loyal �?but utterly dangerous when it comes to money (for instance, a gambler). Or a good, reliable father �?but a womaniser. You can trust someone to carry out some types of activities �?but not others, because they are more complicated, more boring, or do not conform to his values. We should not trust with reservations �?this is the kind of "trust" that is common in business and among criminals and its source is rational. Game Theory in mathematics deals with questions of calculated trust. We should trust wholeheartedly but know who to entrust with what. Then we will be rarely disappointed. As opposed to popular opinion, trust must be put to the test, lest it goes stale and staid. We are all somewhat paranoid. The world around us is so complex, so inexplicable, so overwhelming �?that we find refuge in the invention of superior forces. Some forces are benign (God) �?some arbitrarily conspiratorial in nature. There must be an explanation, we feel, to all these amazing coincidences, to our existence, to events around us. This tendency to introduce external powers and ulterior motives into our reality permeates human relations, as well. We gradually grow suspicious, inadvertently hunt for clues of infidelity or worse, masochistically relieved, even happy when we find some. The more often we successfully test the trust we had established, the stronger our pattern-prone brain embraces it. Constantly in a precarious balance, our brain needs and devours reinforcements. Such testing should not be explicit but circumstantial. Your husband could easily have had a mistress or your partner could easily have stolen your money �?and, behold, they haven't. They passed the test. They resisted the temptation offered to them by circumtance. Trust is based on the ability to predict the future. It is not so much the act of betrayal that we react to �?as it is the feeling that the very foundations of our world are crumbling, that it is no longer safe because it is no longer predictable. We are in the throes of death of one theory �?and the birth of another, as yet untested. Here is another important lesson: whatever the act of betrayal (with the exception of grave criminal corporeal acts) �?it is frequently limited, confined, and negligible. Naturally, we tend to exaggerate the importance of the event. This serves a double purpose: indirectly it aggrandises us. If we are "worthy" of such an unprecedented, unheard of, major betrayal �?we must be worthwhile and unique. The magnitude of the betrayal reflects on us and re-establishes the fragile balance of powers between us and the universe. The second purpose of exaggerating the act of perfidy is simply to gain sympathy and empathy �?mainly from ourselves, but also from others. Catastrophes are a dozen a dime and in today's world it is difficult to provoke anyone to regard your personal disaster as anything exceptional. Amplifying the event has, therefore, some very utilitarian purposes. But, finally, the emotional lie poisons the mental circulation of the liar. Putting the event in perspective goes a long way towards the commencement of a healing process. No betrayal stamps the world irreversibly or eliminates other possibilities, opportunities, chances and people. Time goes by, people meet and part, lovers quarrel and make love, dear ones live and die. It is the very essence of time that it reduces us all to the finest dust. Our only weapon �?however crude and naive �?against this unstoppable process is to trust each other. Take care. Sam |
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How to recognize and change the narcissistic tendencies I find in
myself as they occur. |
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Reply
| | | From: samvak | Sent: 12/11/2004 4:20 p.m. |
Hi, Laurel, First, let's get our terminology togeher: All of us have narcissistic TRAITS. Some of us even develop a narcissistic PERSONALITY, or a narcissistic STYLE. Moreover, narcissism is a SPECTRUM of behaviors - from the healthy to the utterly pathological (a condition known as the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD). The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) IV-TR uses this language to describe the malignant narcissist: "An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts." So, what matters is that these characteristics, often found in healthy people, appear jointly and not separately or intermittently and that they are all-pervasive (invade, penetrate, and mould every aspect, nook, and cranny of the personality): -
That grandiose fantasies are abundantly discernible; -
That grandiose (often ridiculous) behaviors are present; -
That there is an over-riding need for admiration and adulation or attention ("narcissistic supply"); -
That the person lacks empathy (regards other people as two dimensional cartoon figures and abstractions, unable to "stand in their shoes"); -
That these traits and behaviors begin, at the latest, in early adolescence; -
That the narcissistic behaviors pervade all the social and emotional interactions of the narcissist. The DSM specifies nine diagnostic criteria. For NPD to be diagnosed, five (or more) of these criteria must be met. (In the text below, I have proposed modifications to the language of these criteria to incorporate current knowledge about this disorder. My modifications appear in bold italics.) (My amendments do not constitute a part of the text of the DSM-IV-TR, nor is the American Psychiatric Association (APA) associated with them in any way.) Click here to download a bibliography of the studies and research regarding the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) on which I based my proposed revisions. Proposed Amended Criteria for the Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);
- Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;
- Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);
- Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply);
- Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favourable priority treatment;
- Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;
- Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;
- Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;
- Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, "above the law", and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy.
The language in the criteria above is based on or summarized from: American Psychiatric Association. (2000). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, fourth edition (DSM IV-TR). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association. Sam Vaknin. (1999, 2001, 2003). Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited, fifth, revised printing Prague and Skopje: Narcissus Publication. ("Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" http://samvak.tripod.com/faq1.html) The Narcissistic Personality Disorder has been recognised as a distinct mental health diagnosis a little more than two decades ago. There are few who can honestly claim expertise or even in-depth understanding of this complex condition. No one knows whether therapy works. What is known is that therapists find narcissists repulsive, overbearing and unnerving. It is also known that narcissists try to co-opt, idolize, or humiliate the therapist. But what if the narcissist really wants to improve? Even if complete healing is out of the question - behaviour modification is not. To a narcissist, I would recommend a functional approach, along the following lines: - Know and accept thyself. This is who you are. You have good traits and bad traits and you are a narcissist. These are facts. Narcissism is an adaptive mechanism. It is dysfunctional now, but, once, it saved you from a lot more dysfunction or even non-function. Make a list: what does it mean to be a narcissist in your specific case? What are your typical behaviour patterns? Which types of conduct do you find to be counterproductive, irritating, self-defeating or self-destructive? Which are productive, constructive and should be enhanced despite their pathological origin?
- Decide to suppress the first type of behaviours and to promote the second. Construct lists of self-punishments, negative feedback and negative reinforcements. Impose them upon yourself when you have behaved negatively. Make a list of prizes, little indulgences, positive feedbacks and positive reinforcements. Use them to reward yourself when you adopted a behaviour of the second kind.
- Keep doing this with the express intent of conditioning yourself. Be objective, predictable and just in the administration of both punishments and awards, positive and negative reinforcements and feedback. Learn to trust your "inner court". Constrain the sadistic, immature and ideal parts of your personality by applying a uniform codex, a set of immutable and invariably applied rules.
- Once sufficiently conditioned, monitor yourself incessantly. Narcissism is sneaky and it possesses all your resources because it is you. Your disorder is intelligent because you are. Beware and never lose control. With time this onerous regime will become a second habit and supplant the narcissistic (pathological) superstructure.
You might have noticed that all the above can be amply summed by suggesting to you to become your own parent. This is what parents do and the process is called "education" or "socialisation". Re-parent yourself. Be your own parent. If therapy is helpful or needed, go ahead. The heart of the beast is the inability of the narcissist to distinguish true from false, appearances from reality, posing from being, Narcissistic Supply from genuine relationships, and compulsive drives from true interests and avocations. Narcissism is about deceit. It blurs the distinction between authentic actions, true motives, real desires, and original emotions �?and their malignant forms. Narcissists are no longer capable of knowing themselves. Terrified by their internal apparitions, paralysed by their lack of authenticity, suppressed by the weight of their repressed emotions �?they occupy a hall of mirrors. Edvard Munch-like, their elongated figures stare at them, on the verge of the scream, yet somehow, soundless. The narcissist's childlike, curious, vibrant, and optimistic True Self is dead. His False Self is, well, false. How can anyone on a permanent diet of echoes and reflections ever acquaint himself with reality? How can the narcissist ever love �?he, whose essence is to devour meaningful others? The answer is: discipline, decisiveness, clear targets, conditioning, justice. The narcissist is the product of unjust, capricious and cruel treatment. He is the finished product off a production line of self-recrimination, guilt and fear. He needs to take the antidote to counter the narcissistic poison. Unfortunately, there is no drug which can ameliorate pathological narcissism. Confronting one's parents about one's childhood is a good idea if the narcissist feels that he can take it and cope with new and painful truths. But the narcissist must be careful. He is playing with fire. Still, if he feels confident that he can withstand anything revealed to him in such a confrontation, it is a good and wise move in the right direction. My advice to the narcissist would then be: dedicate a lot of time to rehearsing this critical encounter and define well what is it exactly that you want to achieve. Do not turn this reunion into a monodrama, group therapy, or trial. Get some answers and get at the truth. Don't try to prove anything, to vindicate, to take revenge, to win the argument, or to exculpate. Talk to them, heart to heart, as you would with yourself. Do not try to sound professional, mature, intelligent, knowledgeable and distanced. There is no "problem to solve" �?just a condition to adjust yourself to. More generally, try to take life and yourself much less seriously. Being immersed in one's self and in one's mental health condition is never the recipe to full functionality, let alone happiness. The world is an absurd place. It is indeed a theatre to be enjoyed. It is full of colours and smells and sounds to be treasured and cherished. It is varied and it accommodates and tolerates everyone and everything, even narcissists. You, the narcissist, should try to see the positive aspects of your disorder. In Chinese, the ideogram for "crisis" includes a part that stands for "opportunity". Why don't you transform the curse that is your life into a blessing? Why don't you tell the world your story, teach people in your condition and their victims how to avoid the pitfalls, how to cope with the damage? Why don't you do all this in a more institutionalised manner? For instance, you can start a discussion group or put up a Web site on the internet. You can establish a "narcissists anonymous" in some community shelter. You can open a correspondence network, a help centre for men in your condition, for women abused by narcissists �?the possibilities are endless. And it will instil in you a regained sense of self-worth, give you a purpose, endow you with self-confidence and reassurance. It is only by helping others that we help ourselves. This is, of course, a suggestion �?not a prescription. But it demonstrates the ways in which you can derive power from adversity. It is easy for the narcissist to think about Pathological Narcissism as the source of all that is evil and wrong in his life. Narcissism is a catchphrase, a conceptual scapegoat, an evil seed. It conveniently encapsulates the predicament of the narcissist. It introduces logic and causal relations into his baffled, tumultuous world. But this is a trap. The human psyche is too complex and the brain too plastic to be captured by a single, all-encompassing label, however all-pervasive the disorder is. The road to self-help and self-betterment passes through numerous junctions and stations. Except for pathological narcissism, there are many other elements in the complex dynamics that is the soul of the narcissist. The narcissist should take responsibility for his life and not relegate it to some hitherto rather obscure psychodynamic concept. This is the first and most important step towards healing. Also Read Can the Narcissist Ever Get Better? Treatment Modalities and Psychotherapies Narcissists, Paranoiacs and Psychotherapists Narcissistic Personality Disorder at a Glance Self Defeating and Self Destructive Behaviors Pathological Narcissism - A Dysfunction or a Blessing? Hope you benefited somewhat from our correspondence. Take care. Sam |
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| | | Sent: 25/01/2006 4:57 p.m. |
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| | | Sent: 25/01/2006 7:48 p.m. |
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