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(1 recommendation so far) Message 1 of 11 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nickname♫TJ�?/nobr>  (Original Message)Sent: 15/11/2004 11:51 a.m.
I met Joe from an internet dating site over 8 months ago. He posted that he was interested in 'freindship and dating'. I am 42 y.o. and he is 38 y.o. I sent him a cyber note and he responded. By chance, he lived in my neighborhood and we set up an initial meeting at a restaurant near my home. There was tremendous chemistry and mellifluous conversation over dinner, which lasted for hours. Joe was charming, gregarious and inquisitive about what I was seeking. I expressed that I desired companionship and ultimately a life partner. i emphasized honesty was fundamental for me, and a strong freindship. He walked me home and called the next day to see if I was available to meet up with him and his dog in the park. I wasn't available so we made plans for 2 days later for dinner.
We met for dinner and again there was the same magnetic energy and captivating rapport. He invited me around the corner to listen to some good music after dinner. Turned out it was his apt. I was hesitant, but felt compelled. Joe 'serenaded' me with classical guitar, showed me his photo albums of his farm in Connecticut and his trip to Italy with 2 elderly male friends (one deceased) who were his professors. He gave me a CD of music composed by a freind and pulled out an angel sculpture from his closet to give me (!), since I collect angels. In hindsight I see that he was in full throttle seduction mode. He conveyed a persona of a man who was a briliant intellectual, social activist, and strongly principled. He walked me home and seemed sheepish when I kissed him on the cheek. We made plans to see one another the end of the week. That was the begining of the end.
On this date Joe cooked dinner for me. We went out to pick up some ingrediants, and at one point he left me standing outside with his dog (who I was very fond of) for close to a half hour while he was chatting incessantly with a shop owner. I was irritated, but was torn as to how to address this as I felt confused and pre-maturely enamored by this brilliant, handsome, and accomplished man.  So, we continued back to his place where he cooked us dinner. That night evolved into us having sex. It was all happening very fast. Too fast. In the morning he was strange and aloof and I expressed I felt slighted. He said he saw that I was sensitive and that he would 'need to be careful with me'. We went out to the park with his dog, and when he walked me home he looked visibly forlorn that we had to part. The next time I saw him, a few days later, we had another very intense evening in which he dropped overtures of future plans together at his home in Connecticut. He mentioned he would be moving back there 'next year'. It turned out he was moving back 5 months later.
For the next 6 weeks our sexual bond intensified and there was alot of time spent together....3-4x's/week and daily emails and/or phone calls. It became apparent to me that Joe would not allow us time to experience one another outside of home cooked meals, conversations at one of our respective homes, walking his dog, or sexual acitivity. I addressed this with him expressing my need for balance and my desire to go see a film, visit a museum...anything so as to cultivate a real relationship. He and I would make plans and he would dissapoint me with seemingly legitimate reasons...usually having to do with his work as a math teacher. I also experienced Joe making crass sexual jokes after an intimate night together. When I would express my vulnerability and insecurity, he would placate in a facetious manner by suggesting I was uptight about his naughty humor. I also learned that Joe's former marriage ended because his wife, who he characterized as immature, miserable, constantly crying and  finger wagging because she was 'jealous' of his friends and acitivites. Apparently he would study or leave to do things with others and she would become 'possessive' and disparage him terribly to family and freinds, At one point he went 'on a limb' to suggest maybe he was selfish.
Around 7 weeks into the relationship he left for a 9 day visit to his farm in Connecticut. When we parted, I felt very close to him. We kissed goodbye and he said he'd call and write. During that time I recieved a rather perfunctory cold email. I felt shattered and saw that he was trolling on line at the dating site where we had met. I wrote him an email indicating that his absence revealed to me that we were in different places in regard to our relationship and that it was painful for me to be on the receiving end of his lack of correspondence. I suggested I pull away as his lover and continue as friends. I was surprised and pleased that he wrote me back a beautiful 'love' letter in which he conveyed romantic overtures and stirrings within him. He also suggested I needed to just convey what I needed from him, and went on to suggest perhaps he can be a bit insular and aloof, mentioning a 'split' in his personality. He went so far as to suggest he wasn't sure if intimacy could flourish given this 'split', but only I could determine that. We went back and forth exuding deep feelings via email, regarding monogomy issues, interpersonal needs, etc. I went so far as to convey how my history with a schizophrenic mother and a narcissistic father might contribute to my dark projections and distrust. I believed we were now on a path to deepening our connectiion.
Almost 3 months into our relationship...with the same dynamics continuing, and my stretching myself to accomidate what felt frustrating and esteem deflating, Joe had a trip planned out of state. I was begining to get a clearer sense of his instability...that he moved 12 times in the past 12 years, the ocntstant aloofness and elusiveness, but i couldn't let go.  By this time I felt very attached to him and was in love with him. At the same time, I never felt emotionally safe. Two nights before leaving for his trip he came by to visit, I told him I did not want to engage in sex because I needed to maintain some distance, knowing that when he leaves he doesn't call or write. He questioned if I was afraid of attatching...if I had difficulty trusting him. He was kissing my face and my hands in a tender way, acknowledging that his 'idiosyncracies' can be frustrating , but that he wanted me to trust him and that it was safe to attach. Against my better judgment we 'made love' and he seemed very enamored, even suggesting I see him the next night for dinner at a restaurant (!), before he leaves for his trip. I was happy and at peace. His last words to me when we parted was that he would call me at work later that day.
There was no call. Just a monsyllabic email I received late that evening, saying he was stuck in Connecticut, but if he got in after 1 AM maybe I'd want to drop by. No mention of the night before or any reference to my feelings even though I emailed him that morning expressing how beautiful the evening we spent together was for me. I was shattered and didn't respond to his correspondence. The next day he wrote me a long soliloquy expousing all the minutae of the traffic he was stuck in and the tumult of the day with his dog and his freind who was speaking at his school, who he had to bring back to Connecticut. It was on and on about him and how tired he was and how he couldn't call because of 'this and that'. I acquiesced and wrote him that I could understand that there were extenuating circumstances, but I needed him to not extend himself if he couldn't keep his word. Bottom line is I suggested we try to see one another before he left for the airport, or at the very least speak on the phone. He agreed. He left without so much as a goodbye. That's when I wrote him a lengthy letter (snail mail) saying I couldn't be lovers under these circumstances. It was a very loving letter, indicating that I cherished much of what we shared and that I'd like to speak with him and see if we could have some sort of tenable relationship. When he received the letter upon his return,  he absolutely refused to speak with me. I was shaken up by his complete indifference to my imploring him to communicate, if only to say goodbye. He had not empathy and could not understand 'my rejection of him'. It was insane.
Fast forward to 6 weeks later. In the interim there is intermittant email contact. I am in an abandonment depression trying to make sense of it all. I am desperate to meet with him for resolution of some sort. I resort to sending him a happy b-day email after weeks of not hearing from him. I was overseas when I received an email from him saying he was ready to meet. He was moving in a few weeks. We met in the park and he was charming, loving and seductive saying he never wanted me make me feel smalll...that he missed talking to me most of all...that he didn't know what to communicate and just needed time. We went back to his apt. and he played guitar for me. We left and went for dinner at a restaurant. He was offering to build me a bookcase and was asking if I wanted anything from his apt. before moving. The evening felt surreal and reminsicent of that early rapture I felt with him. We made love that night. I felt at peace in the aftermath, but then withdrawl kicked in. He resurfaced at whim and we connected again 3 weeks later. That time I cried to him that I felt forgotten by him...that I felt wounded and vulnerable. He seemed loving, 'pouring love and kisses on my wounds' and expressing in an email the next day that it was 'such a gift to be loved for real'. For the next 3 weeks he was to come visit me, but due to incessant chaos on the farm, with his having upheavals with major construction and family feuding he kept canceling his visit. Finally I reached my saturation point and conveyed that I didn't feel like a priority and that I felt our time together was predicated on his whims. He was indignant with my 'insensitivity', although he agreed that this psuh-pull routine wasn't good for either one of us. Nevertheless he conveyed via email that he was going to pull away and I'd hear from him when he was ready to speak. I immediately called him in an a state of abandonment and he seemed to enjoy my pain. He placated me by saying he understood...that I wasn't out to get him and that we would definately be friends and go to the museum and the park, etc. He just needed time to heal. Three weeks later I discovered a photo of him on a blog (internet diary) kissing his new girlfriend who has chronicled their relationship on her website. According to his manufactured timeline we were not together when he met her. Not true and although I've conveyed this to her and the details of our relationship, it is I who comes off looking like the manaical spurrned woman. Naturally she continues to be in Nirvana with him. At this point we are done and I finally expressed through angry email correspondence my pent up feelings of hurt, shame and outrage.
 
Questions:
1- I continue to have moments of doubting my reality. He seems to be offering his new source of supply what he refused to offer me. This confuses me greatly, and makes me wonder is he really a narcissist?
 


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Reply
 Message 2 of 11 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknamesamvakSent: 15/11/2004 6:28 p.m.
Hi, Seraphic, and welcome aboard.
 
Different sources of supply provide the narcissist with disparate types of supply. You may have been merely a sex object to him, or the object of his sadistic tendencies, or a stopgap infatuation to bolster his sense of irresistibility of omnipotence.
 
Narcissists "love" their spouses or other significant others �?/SPAN> as long as they continue to reliably provide them with Narcissistic Supply (in one word, with attention). Inevitably, they regard others as mere "sources", objects, or functions. Lacking empathy and emotional maturity, the narcissist's love is pathological. But the precise locus of the pathology depends on the narcissist's stability or instability in different parts of his life.

From "The Unstable Narcissist":

(I have omitted below large sections. For a more elaborate treatment, please read the FAQ itself.)

"Narcissists belong to two broad categories: the 'compensatory stability' and the 'enhancing instability' types.

I. Compensatory Stability ('Classic') Narcissists

These narcissists isolate one or more (but never most) aspects of their lives and 'make these aspect/s stable'. They do not really invest themselves in it. The stability is maintained by artificial means: money, celebrity, power, fear. A typical example is a narcissist who changes numerous workplaces, a few careers, a myriad of hobbies, value systems or faiths. At the same time, he maintains (preserves) a relationship with a single woman (and even remains faithful to her). She is his 'island of stability'. To fulfil this role, she just needs to be there physically.

The narcissist is dependent upon 'his' woman to maintain the stability lacking in all other areas of his life (to compensate for his instability). Yet, emotional closeness is bound to threaten the narcissist. Thus, he is likely to distance himself from her and to remain detached and indifferent to most of her needs. Despite this cruel emotional treatment, the narcissist considers her to be a point of exit, a form of sustenance, a fountain of empowerment. This mismatch between what he wishes to receive and what he is able to give, the narcissist prefers to deny, repress and bury deep in his unconscious. This is why he is always shocked and devastated to learn of his wife's estrangement, infidelity, or divorce intentions. Possessed of no emotional depth, being completely one track minded �?he cannot fathom the needs of others. In other words, he cannot empathise.

II. Enhancing Instability ('Borderline') Narcissist

The other kind of narcissist enhances instability in one aspect or dimension of his life �?by introducing instability in others. Thus, if such a narcissist resigns (or, more likely, is made redundant) �?he also relocates to another city or country. If he divorces, he is also likely to resign his job. This added instability gives these narcissists the feeling that all the dimensions of their life are changing simultaneously, that they are being 'unshackled', that a transformation is in progress. This, of course, is an illusion. Those who know the narcissist, no longer trust his frequent 'conversions', 'decisions', 'crises', 'transformations', 'developments' and 'periods'. They see through his pretensions and declarations into the core of his instability. They know that he is not to be relied upon. They know that with narcissists, temporariness is the only permanence."

We are, therefore, faced with two pathological forms of narcissistic "love".

One type of narcissist "loves" others as one would attach to objects. He "loves" his spouse, for instance, simply because she exists and is available to provide him with Narcissistic Supply. He "loves" his children because they are part of his self-image as a successful husband and father. He "loves" his "friends" because �?/SPAN> and only as long as �?/SPAN> he can exploit them.

Such a narcissist reacts with alarm and rage to any sign of independence and autonomy in his "charges". He tries to "freeze" everyone around him in their "allocated" positions and "assigned roles". His world is rigid and immovable, predictable and static, fully under his control. He punishes for "transgressions" against this ordained order. He thus stifles life as a dynamic process of compromising and growing �?/SPAN> rendering it instead a mere theatre, a tableau vivant.

The other type of narcissist abhors monotony and constancy, equating them, in his mind, with death. He seeks upheaval, drama, and change �?/SPAN> but only when they conform to his plans, designs, and views of the world and of himself. Thus, he does not encourage growth in his nearest and dearest. By monopolizing their lives, he, like the other kind of narcissist, also reduces them to mere objects, props in the exciting drama of his life.

This narcissist likewise rages at any sign of rebellion and disagreement. But, as opposed to the first sub-species, he seeks to animate others with his demented energy, grandiose plans, and megalomaniacal self-perception. An adrenaline junkie, his world is a whirlwind of comings and goings, reunions and separations, loves and hates, vocations adopted and discarded, schemes erected and dismantled, enemies turned friends and vice versa. His Universe is equally a theatre, but a more ferocious and chaotic one.

Where is love in all this? Where is the commitment to the loved one's welfare, the discipline, the extension of oneself to incorporate the beloved, the mutual growth?

Nowhere to be seen. The narcissist's "love" is hate and fear disguised �?/SPAN> fear of losing control and hatred of the very people his precariously balanced personality so depends on. The narcissist is egotistically committed only to his own well-being. To him, the objects of his "love" are interchangeable and inferior.

He idealizes his nearest and dearest not because he is smitten by emotion �?/SPAN> but because he needs to captivate them and to convince himself that they are worthy Sources of Supply, despite their flaws and mediocrity. Once he deems them useless, he discards and devalues them similarly cold-bloodedly. A predator, always on the lookout, he debases the coin of "love" as he corrupts everything else in himself and around him.

More here:

The Narcissist in Love

The Unstable Narcissist

The Extra-Marital Narcissist

The Narcissist as Sadist

Narcissistic Allocation - The mechanism behind the cycles of over-valuation and devaluation in the narcissist's life

Narcissists, Sex and Fidelity - The Somatic Narcissist, The Asexual Cerebral Narcissist, Extramarital Affairs, and Paraphilias

Do Narcissists have Emotions?

The Spouse/Mate/Partner of the Narcissist

Narcissists and Women - Narcissists as Women-Haters and Misogynists

Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply and Sources of Supply

The Adrenaline Junkie

The Narcissist's Object Constancy

Intimacy and Abuse

Grandiosity and Intimacy - The Roots of Paranoia

Take care.

Sam


Reply
 Message 3 of 11 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nicknameseraphic42Sent: 16/11/2004 5:14 a.m.
Dr. Vaknin.
Reading through all you've conveyed has me convinced Joe is an N. His instability and lack of object constancy is clear.Thank you for your directness (although it is difficult to blatantly accept being a complete object to him).
I struggle with my fixation of vindication, which compells me to read ow's blog in search of info. suggesting that he's inflicting on her what he inflicted on me. I'm not driven by a need for her to suffer....on the contrary she is just as vulnerable and unaware of the truth of who he is, as I was. Nevertheless, it's as if seeing the demise of their relationship because of these insidious power plays will redeem in some strange way...as if I need to see that I'm not the only one he deems useless. I know this reflects a core injury within myself; an injury Joe capitalized on. Anyway...I need to let go of that agenda and redirect my energy.
Thank you again for offering me this much needed clarity. As F. Bacon said, with knowledge comes power.
Seraphic

Reply
 Message 4 of 11 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nickname♫TJ�?/nobr>Sent: 16/11/2004 4:03 p.m.
2- Joe was very clandestine at times...insular and aloof. At other times he was very communicative and expressive. What are these dramatic opposing personas about?

Reply
 Message 5 of 11 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknamesamvakSent: 16/11/2004 9:37 p.m.
Hi, Seraphic,
 

In the the narcissist's surrealistic world, even language is pathologized. It mutates into a weapon of self-defence, a verbal
fortification, a medium without a message, replacing words with duplicitous and ambiguous vocables.

Narcissists (and, often, by contagion, their unfortunate victims) don't talk, or communicate. They fend off. They hide and evade and avoid and disguise. In their planet of capricious and arbitrary unpredictability, of shifting semiotic and semantic dunes - they perfect the ability to say nothing in lengthy, Castro-like speeches.

The ensuing convoluted sentences are arabesques of meaninglessness, acrobatics of evasion, lack of commitment elevated to an ideology. The narcissist prefers to wait and see what waiting brings. It is the postponement of the inevitable that leads to the inevitability of postponement as a strategy of survival.

It is often impossible to really understand a narcissist. The evasive syntax fast deteriorates into ever more labyrinthine structures. The grammar tortured to produce the verbal Doppler shifts essential to disguise the source of the information, its distance from reality, the speed of its degeneration into rigid "official" versions.

Buried under the lush flora and fauna of idioms without an end, the language erupts, like some exotic rash, an autoimmune reaction to its infection and contamination. Like vile weeds it spread throughout, strangling with absent minded persistence the ability to understand, to feel, to agree, to disagree and to debate, to present arguments, to compare notes, to learn and to teach.

Narcissists, therefore, never talk to others - rather, they talk at others, or lecture them. They exchange subtexts, camouflage-wrapped by elaborate, florid, texts. They read between the lines, spawning a multitude of private languages, prejudices, superstitions, conspiracy theories, rumours, phobias and hysterias. Theirs is a solipsistic world - where communication is permitted only with oneself and the aim of language is to throw others off the scent or to obtain Narcissistic Supply.

This has profound implications. Communication through unequivocal, unambiguous, information-rich symbol systems is such an integral and crucial part of our world - that its absence is not postulated even in the remotest galaxies which grace the skies of science fiction. In this sense, narcissists are nothing short of aliens. It is not that they employ a different language, a code to be deciphered by a new Freud. It is also not the outcome of upbringing or socio-cultural background.

It is the fact that language is put by narcissists to a different use - not to communicate but to obscure, not to share but to abstain, not to learn but to defend and resist, not to teach but to preserve ever less tenable monopolies, to disagree without incurring wrath, to criticize without commitment, to agree without appearing to do so. Thus, an "agreement" with a narcissist is a vague expression of intent at a given moment - rather than the clear listing of long term, iron-cast and mutual commitments.

The rules that govern the narcissist's universe are loopholed incomprehensibles, open to an exegesis so wide and so self-contradictory that it renders them meaningless. The narcissist  often hangs himself by his own verbose Gordic knots, having stumbled through a minefield of logical fallacies and endured self inflicted inconsistencies. Unfinished sentences hover in the air, like vapour above a semantic swamp.

In the case of the inverted narcissist, who was suppressed and abused by overbearing caregivers, there is the strong urge not to offend. Intimacy and inter-dependence are great. Parental or peer pressures are irresistible and result in conformity and self-deprecation. Aggressive tendencies, strongly repressed in the social pressure cooker, teem under the veneer of forced civility and violent politeness. Constructive ambiguity, a non-committal "everyone is good and right", an atavistic variant of moral relativism and tolerance bred of fear and of contempt - are all at the service of this eternal vigilance against aggressive drives, at the disposal of a never ending peacekeeping mission.

With the classic narcissist, language is used cruelly and ruthlessly to ensnare one's enemies, to saw confusion and panic, to move others to emulate the narcissist ("projective identification"), to leave the listeners in doubt, in hesitation, in paralysis, to gain control, or to punish. Language is enslaved and forced to lie. The language is appropriated and expropriated. It is considered to be a weapon, an asset, a piece of lethal property, a traitorous mistress to be gang raped into submission.

With cerebral narcissists, language is a lover. The infatuation with its very sound leads to a pyrotechnic type of speech which sacrifices its meaning to its music. Its speakers pay more attention to the composition than to the content. They are swept by it, intoxicated by its perfection, inebriated by the spiralling complexity of its forms. Here, language is an inflammatory process. It attacks the very tissues of the narcissist's relationships with artistic fierceness. It invades the healthy cells of reason and logic, of cool headed argumentation and level headed debate.

Language is a leading indicator of the psychological and institutional health of social units, such as the family, or the workplace. Social capital can often be measured in cognitive (hence, verbal-lingual) terms. To monitor the level of comprehensibility and lucidity of texts is to study the degree of sanity of family members, co-workers, friends, spouses, mates, and colleagues. There can exist no hale society without unambiguous speech, without clear communications, without the traffic of idioms and content that is an inseparable part of every social contract. Our language determines how we perceive our world. It IS our mind and our consciousness. The narcissist, in this respect, is a great social menace.

Take care.

Sam


Reply
 Message 6 of 11 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nickname♫TJ�?/nobr>Sent: 17/11/2004 1:48 a.m.
I felt trapped in a double bind replete with double messages. There were times of disclosure in which Joe would convey that he had a 'hard side' to his personality, and would acknowledge he was incapable of having a serious relationship.  At the same time he would tell me that this relationship was as serious as any of his most profound long term bonds. Was this all part of his plan to keep me attached and off balance? 
 

Reply
 Message 7 of 11 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknamesamvakSent: 17/11/2004 4:51 p.m.
Hi, Serpahic,
 
Being unpredictable, arbitrary, and unstable are the narcissist's ways of achieving two goals:
 
1. Fending off threatening intimacy and positive emotions (such as love)
 
2. Exerting control over the significant other.
 
This behavior is typical of many personality disorders. It is called "Approach-Avoidance Repetition Complex". By behaving unpredictably and abandoning his mate, spouse, or partner, the narcissist maintains control over the situation and avoids emotional hurt and narcissistic injuries ("I abandoned her, not the other way around").

The abuser acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally. This serves to render others helpless and dependent upon the next twist and turn of the abuser, his next inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst, denial, or smile.

The abuser makes sure that HE is the only reliable element in the lives of his nearest and dearest ï¿½?/SPAN> by shattering the rest of their world through his seemingly insane behavior. He perpetuates his stable presence in their lives �?/SPAN> by destabilizing their own.

Also Read

"Approach-Avoidance Repetition Complex"

Why does the Narcissist Keep Coming Back?

What is Abuse

The Emotional Involvement Preventive Measures

Depression and the Narcissist - FAQ #17

Narcissists - Stable or Unstable? - FAQ #32

Do Narcissists Have Emotions ? - FAQ #33

The Two Loves of the Narcissist

The Entitlement of Routine

Intimacy and Abuse

Grandiosity and Intimacy - The Roots of Paranoia

Abusers exploit, lie, insult, demean, ignore (the "silent treatment"), manipulate, and control.

There are many ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is tantamount to treating someone as an extension, an object, or an instrument of gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally honest, with a sadistic sense of humour, or consistently tactless �?/SPAN> is to abuse.

To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore �?/SPAN> are all modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is long. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse.

There are three important categories of abuse:

Overt Abuse

The open and explicit abuse of another person. Threatening, coercing, beating, lying, berating, demeaning, chastising, insulting, humiliating, exploiting, ignoring ("silent treatment"), devaluing, unceremoniously discarding, verbal abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse are all forms of overt abuse.

Covert or Controlling Abuse

Abuse is almost entirely about control. It is often a primitive and immature reaction to life circumstances in which the abuser (usually in his childhood) was rendered helpless. It is about re-exerting one's identity, re-establishing predictability, mastering the environment �?/SPAN> human and physical.

The bulk of abusive behaviours can be traced to this panicky reaction to the remote potential for loss of control. Many abusers are hypochondriacs (and difficult patients) because they are afraid to lose control over their body, its looks and its proper functioning. They are obsessive-compulsive in an effort to subdue their physical habitat and render it foreseeable. They stalk people and harass them as a means of "being in touch" �?/SPAN> another form of control.

To the abuser, nothing exists outside himself. Meaningful others are extensions, internal, assimilated, objects �?/SPAN> not external ones. Thus, losing control over a significant other �?/SPAN> is equivalent to losing control of a limb, or of one's brain. It is terrifying.

Independent or disobedient people evoke in the abuser the realization that something is wrong with his worldview, that he is not the centre of the world or its cause and that he cannot control what, to him, are internal representations.

To the abuser, losing control means going insane. Because other people are mere elements in the abuser's mind �?/SPAN> being unable to manipulate them literally means losing it (his mind). Imagine, if you suddenly were to find out that you cannot manipulate your memories or control your thoughts... Nightmarish!

In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it, the abuser resorts to a myriad of fiendishly inventive stratagems and mechanisms. Here is a partial list:

Unpredictability and Uncertainty

The abuser acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally. This serves to render others dependent upon the next twist and turn of the abuser, his next inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst, denial, or smile.

The abuser makes sure that HE is the only reliable element in the lives of his nearest and dearest ï¿½?/SPAN> by shattering the rest of their world through his seemingly insane behaviour. He perpetuates his stable presence in their lives �?/SPAN> by destabilizing their own.

TIP

Refuse to accept such behaviour. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities.

Disproportional Reactions

One of the favourite tools of manipulation in the abuser's arsenal is the disproportionality of his reactions. He reacts with supreme rage to the slightest slight. Or, he would punish severely for what he perceives to be an offence against him, no matter how minor. Or, he would throw a temper tantrum over any discord or disagreement, however gently and considerately expressed. Or, he would act inordinately attentive, charming and tempting (even over-sexed, if need be).

This ever-shifting code of conduct and the unusually harsh and arbitrarily applied penalties are premeditated. The victims are kept in the dark. Neediness and dependence on the source of "justice" meted and judgment passed �?/SPAN> on the abuser �?/SPAN> are thus guaranteed.

TIP

Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behaviour.

If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.

Dehumanization and Objectification (Abuse)

People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic good-heartedness of others. By dehumanizing and objectifying people �?/SPAN> the abuser attacks the very foundations of human interaction. This is the "alien" aspect of abusers �?/SPAN> they may be excellent imitations of fully formed adults but they are emotionally absent and immature.

Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric �?/SPAN> that people recoil in terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely down, that they are the most susceptible and vulnerable to the abuser's control. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanization and objectification.

TIP

Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.

If things get rough �?/SPAN> disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).

Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.

Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression.

Abuse of Information

From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the abuser is on the prowl. He collects information. The more he knows about his potential victim �?/SPAN> the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert it "to the cause". The abuser does not hesitate to misuse the information he gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armory.

TIP

Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.

Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities, and red lines.

Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and resolute.

Impossible Situations

The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely needed. The abuser makes sure that his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or his traits are the only ones applicable and the most useful in the situations that he, himself, wrought. The abuser generates his own indispensability.

TIP

Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how innocuous.

Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation.

Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.

Control by Proxy

If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers ï¿½?/SPAN> in short, third parties �?/SPAN> to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.

Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social group become the instruments of the abuser.

TIP

Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.

Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.

Ambient Abuse

The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called "gaslighting".

In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victim adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged and the abuser �?/SPAN> the suffering soul.

TIP

Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops to overt and violent abuse.

You don't owe anyone an explanation - but you owe yourself a life. Bail out.

Take care.

Sam


Reply
 Message 8 of 11 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nickname♫TJ�?/nobr>Sent: 18/11/2004 1:33 a.m.
4- When I confronted Joe via email and cc'd the correspondence to his present target, he was absolutely adamant that it was very wrong of me to suggest that he was a cheat, or used people for sport or to suggest that he was holding me in limbo while cultivating a new relationship. According to his reality there was no deception. Is he actually so deluded as to believe this, or is he merely deliberately lying through his teeth?

Reply
 Message 9 of 11 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknamesamvakSent: 18/11/2004 4:59 p.m.
Hi, Seraphic,
 

Abusers regularly deny the abuse ever took place �?/SPAN> or rationalize their abusive behaviors. Denial is an integral part of the abuser's ability to "look at himself/herself in the mirror".

There are many types of denial. When confronted by his victims, most abusers tend to shift blame or avoid the topic altogether.

Total Denial

1. Outright Denial

Typical retorts by the abuser: "It never happened, or it was not abuse, you are just imagining it, or you want to hurt my (the abuser's) feelings."

2. Alloplastic Defense

Common sentences when challenged: "It was your fault, you, or your behavior, or the circumstances, provoked me into such behavior."

3. Altruistic Defense

Usual convoluted explanations: "I did it for you, in your best interests."

4. Transformative Defense

Recurring themes: "What I did to you was not abuse �?/SPAN> it was common and accepted behavior (at the time, or in the context of the prevailing culture or in accordance with social norms), it was not meant as abuse."

Abusers frequently have narcissistic traits. As such, they are more concerned with appearance than with substance. Dependent for Narcissistic Supply on the community �?/SPAN> neighbors, colleagues, co-workers, bosses, friends, extended family �?/SPAN> they cultivate an unblemished reputation for honesty, industriousness, religiosity, reliability, and conformity.

Forms of Denial in Public

1. Family Honor Stricture

Characteristic admonitions: "We don't do dirty laundry publicly, the family's honor and repute must be preserved, what will the neighbors say?"

2. Family Functioning Stricture

Dire and ominous scenarios: "If you snitch and inform the authorities, they will take me (the abusive parent) away and the whole family will disintegrate."

Confronting the abuser with incontrovertible proof of his abusive behavior is one way of minimizing contact with him. Abusers �?/SPAN> like the narcissists that they often are �?/SPAN> cannot tolerate criticism or disagreement (more about it here).

Other stratagems for making your abuser uncomfortable and, thus, giving him a recurrent incentive to withdraw �?/SPAN> here and here.

About the grandiosity gap that underlies the narcissistic abuser's inability to face reality �?/SPAN> here and here.

Moreover:

The narcissist is the guru at the center of a cult. Like other gurus, he demands complete obedience from his flock: his spouse, his offspring, other family members, friends, and colleagues. He feels entitled to adulation and special treatment by his followers. He punishes the wayward and the straying lambs. He enforces discipline, adherence to his teachings, and common goals. The less accomplished he is in reality �?/FONT> the more stringent his mastery and the more pervasive the brainwashing.

The �?/FONT> often involuntary �?/FONT> members of the narcissist's mini-cult inhabit a twilight zone of his own construction. He imposes on them a shared psychosis, replete with persecutory delusions, "enemies", mythical narratives, and apocalyptic scenarios if he is flouted.

The narcissist's control is based on ambiguity, unpredictability, fuzziness, and ambient abuse. His ever-shifting whims exclusively define right versus wrong, desirable and unwanted, what is to be pursued and what to be avoided. He alone determines the rights and obligations of his disciples and alters them at will.

The narcissist is a micro-manager. He exerts control over the minutest details and behaviors. He punishes severely and abuses withholders of information and those who fail to conform to his wishes and goals.

The narcissist does not respect the boundaries and privacy of his reluctant adherents. He ignores their wishes and treats them as objects or instruments of gratification. He seeks to control both situations and people compulsively.

He strongly disapproves of others' personal autonomy and independence. Even innocuous activities, such as meeting a friend or visiting one's family require his permission. Gradually, he isolates his nearest and dearest until they are fully dependent on him emotionally, sexually, financially, and socially.

He acts in a patronizing and condescending manner and criticizes often. He alternates between emphasizing the minutest faults (devalues) and exaggerating the talents, traits, and skills (idealizes) of the members of his cult. He is wildly unrealistic in his expectations �?/FONT> which legitimizes his subsequent abusive conduct.

The narcissist claims to be infallible, superior, talented, skillful, omnipotent, and omniscient. He often lies and confabulates to support these unfounded claims. Within his cult, he expects awe, admiration, adulation, and constant attention commensurate with his outlandish stories and assertions. He reinterprets reality to fit his fantasies.

His thinking is dogmatic, rigid, and doctrinaire. He does not countenance free thought, pluralism, or free speech and doesn't brook criticism and disagreement. He demands �?/FONT> and often gets �?/FONT> complete trust and the relegation to his capable hands of all decision-making.

He forces the participants in his cult to be hostile to critics, the authorities, institutions, his personal enemies, or the media �?/FONT> if they try to uncover his actions and reveal the truth. He closely monitors and censors information from the outside, exposing his captive audience only to selective data and analyses.

The narcissist's cult is "missionary" and "imperialistic". He is always on the lookout for new recruits �?/FONT> his spouse's friends, his daughter's girlfriends, his neighbors, new colleagues at work. He immediately attempts to "convert" them to his "creed" �?/FONT> to convince them how wonderful and admirable he is. In other words, he tries to render them Sources of Narcissistic Supply.

Often, his behavior on these "recruiting missions" is different to his conduct within the "cult". In the first phases of wooing new admirers and proselytizing to potential "conscripts" �?/FONT> the narcissist is attentive, compassionate, empathic, flexible, self-effacing, and helpful. At home, among the "veterans" he is tyrannical, demanding, willful, opinionated, aggressive, and exploitative.

As the leader of his congregation, the narcissist feels entitled to special amenities and benefits not accorded the "rank and file". He expects to be waited on hand and foot, to make free use of everyone's money and dispose of their assets liberally, and to be cynically exempt from the rules that he himself established (if such violation is pleasurable or gainful).

In extreme cases, the narcissist feels above the law �?/FONT> any kind of law. This grandiose and haughty conviction leads to criminal acts, incestuous or polygamous relationships, and recurrent friction with the authorities.

Hence the narcissist's panicky and sometimes violent reactions to "dropouts" from his cult. There's a lot going on that the narcissist wants kept under wraps. Moreover, the narcissist stabilizes his fluctuating sense of self-worth by deriving Narcissistic Supply from his victims. Abandonment threatens the narcissist's precariously balanced personality.

Add to that the narcissist's paranoid and schizoid tendencies, his lack of introspective self-awareness, and his stunted sense of humor (lack of self-deprecation) and the risks to the grudging members of his cult are clear.

The narcissist sees enemies and conspiracies everywhere. He often casts himself as the heroic victim (martyr) of dark and stupendous forces. In every deviation from his tenets he espies malevolent and ominous subversion. He, therefore, is bent on disempowering his devotees. By any and all means.

This is why the narcissist is dangerous.

See these as well:

The Embarrassing Narcissist

Ambient Abuse

The Accountable Narcissist

The Mind of the Abuser

The Guilt of the Abused

The Spouse/Mate/Partner of the Narcissist

Narcissistic Immunity

Take care.

Sam


Reply
 Message 10 of 11 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nickname♫TJ�?/nobr>Sent: 19/11/2004 12:11 p.m.
Joe's present target has a similiar history as mine....her father abandoned her and she had a character disordered mother who subjected her to bars and a mulitplicity of abusive boyfriends. Like myself she seems to have worked hard to transcend adversity through her service with the homeless, her creative outlets, and her therapy process. Does he deliberately look for women with similiar traits and vulnerabilities to suit the type of mirroring he desires or is this moreso about him knowing how to exploit this sort of woman? 
 

Reply
 Message 11 of 11 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknamesamvakSent: 19/11/2004 4:25 p.m.
Hi, Seraphic,
 

On the face of it, there is no (emotional) partner or mate, who typically "binds" with a narcissist. They come in all shapes and sizes. The initial phases of attraction, infatuation and falling in love are pretty normal. The narcissist puts on his best face �?the other party is blinded by budding love. A natural selection process occurs only much later, as the relationship develops and is put to the test.

Living with a narcissist can be exhilarating, is always onerous, often harrowing. Surviving a relationship with a narcissist indicates, therefore, the parameters of the personality of the survivor. She (or, more rarely, he) is moulded by the relationship into The Typical Narcissistic Mate/Partner/Spouse.

First and foremost, the narcissist's partner must have a deficient or a distorted grasp of her self and of reality. Otherwise, she (or he) is bound to abandon the narcissist's ship early on. The cognitive distortion is likely to consist of belittling and demeaning herself �?while aggrandising and adoring the narcissist.

The partner is, thus, placing herself in the position of the eternal victim: undeserving, punishable, a scapegoat. Sometimes, it is very important to the partner to appear moral, sacrificial and victimised. At other times, she is not even aware of this predicament. The narcissist is perceived by the partner to be a person in the position to demand these sacrifices from her because he is superior in many ways (intellectually, emotionally, morally, professionally, or financially).

The status of professional victim sits well with the partner's tendency to punish herself, namely: with her masochistic streak. The tormented life with the narcissist is just what she deserves.

In this respect, the partner is the mirror image of the narcissist. By maintaining a symbiotic relationship with him, by being totally dependent upon her source of masochistic supply (which the narcissist most reliably constitutes and most amply provides) �?the partner enhances certain traits and encourages certain behaviours, which are at the very core of narcissism.

The narcissist is never whole without an adoring, submissive, available, self-denigrating partner. His very sense of superiority, indeed his False Self, depends on it. His sadistic Superego switches its attentions from the narcissist (in whom it often provokes suicidal ideation) to the partner, thus finally obtaining an alternative source of sadistic satisfaction.

It is through self-denial that the partner survives. She denies her wishes, hopes, dreams, aspirations, sexual, psychological and material needs, choices, preferences, values, and much else besides. She perceives her needs as threatening because they might engender the wrath of the narcissist's God-like supreme figure.

The narcissist is rendered in her eyes even more superior through and because of this self-denial. Self-denial undertaken to facilitate and ease the life of a "great man" is more palatable. The "greater" the man (=the narcissist), the easier it is for the partner to ignore her own self, to dwindle, to degenerate, to turn into an appendix of the narcissist and, finally, to become nothing but an extension, to merge with the narcissist to the point of oblivion and of merely dim memories of herself.

The two collaborate in this macabre dance. The narcissist is formed by his partner inasmuch as he forms her. Submission breeds superiority and masochism breeds sadism. The relationships are characterised by emergentism: roles are allocated almost from the start and any deviation meets with an aggressive, even violent reaction.

The predominant state of the partner's mind is utter confusion. Even the most basic relationships �?with husband, children, or parents �?remain bafflingly obscured by the giant shadow cast by the intensive interaction with the narcissist. A suspension of judgement is part and parcel of a suspension of individuality, which is both a prerequisite to and the result of living with a narcissist. The partner no longer knows what is true and right and what is wrong and forbidden.

The narcissist recreates for the partner the sort of emotional ambience that led to his own formation in the first place: capriciousness, fickleness, arbitrariness, emotional (and physical or sexual) abandonment. The world becomes hostile, and ominous and the partner has only one thing left to cling to: the narcissist.

And cling she does. If there is anything which can safely be said about those who emotionally team up with narcissists, it is that they are overtly and overly dependent.

The partner doesn't know what to do �?and this is only too natural in the mayhem that is the relationship with the narcissist. But the typical partner also does not know what she wants and, to a large extent, who she is and what she wants to become.

These unanswered questions hamper the partner's ability to gauge reality. Her primordial sin is that she fell in love with an image, not with a real person. It is the voiding of the image that is mourned when the relationship ends.

The break-up of a relationship with a narcissist is, therefore, very emotionally charged. It is the culmination of a long chain of humiliations and of subjugation. It is the rebellion of the functioning and healthy parts of the partner's personality against the tyranny of the narcissist.

The partner is likely to have totally misread and misinterpreted the whole interaction (I hesitate to call it a relationship). This lack of proper interface with reality might be (erroneously) labelled "pathological".

Why is it that the partner seeks to prolong her pain? What is the source and purpose of this masochistic streak? Upon the break-up of the relationship, the partner (but not the narcissist, who usually refuses to provide closure) engage in a tortuous and drawn out post mortem.

But the question who did what to whom (and even why) is irrelevant. What is relevant is to stop mourning oneself, start smiling again and love in a less subservient, hopeless, and pain-inflicting manner.

It takes two to tango �?/SPAN> and an equal number to sustain a long-term abusive relationship. The abuser and the abused form a bond, a dynamic, and a dependence. Expressions such as "follies a deux" and the "Stockholm Syndrome" capture facets �?/SPAN> two of a myriad �?/SPAN> of this danse macabre. It often ends fatally. It is always an excruciatingly painful affair.

Abuse is closely correlated with alcoholism, drug consumption, intimate-partner homicide, teen pregnancy, infant and child mortality, spontaneous abortion, reckless behaviours, suicide, and the onset of mental health disorders. It doesn't help that society refuses to openly and frankly tackle this pernicious phenomenon and the guilt and shame associated with it.

People �?/SPAN> overwhelmingly women �?/SPAN> remain in an abusive household for a variety of reasons: economic, parental (to protect the children), and psychological. But the objective obstacles facing the battered spouse cannot be overstated.

The abuser treats his spouse as an object, an extension of himself, devoid of a separate existence and denuded of distinct needs. Thus, typically, the couple's assets are on his name �?/SPAN> from real estate to medical insurance policies. The victim has no family or friends because her abusive partner or husband frowns on her initial independence and regards it as a threat. By intimidating, cajoling, charming, and making false promises, the abuser isolates his prey from the rest of society and, thus, makes her dependence on him total. She is often also denied the option to study and acquire marketable skills or augment them.

Abandoning the abusive spouse frequently leads to a prolonged period of destitution and peregrination. Custody is usually denied to parents without a permanent address, a job, income security, and, therefore, stability. Thus, the victim stands to lose not only her mate and nest �?/SPAN> but also her off-spring. There is the added menace of violent retribution by the abuser or his proxies �?/SPAN> coupled with emphatic contrition on his part and a protracted and irresistible "charm offensive".

Gradually, she is convinced to put up with her spouse's cruelty in order to avoid this harrowing predicament.

But there is more to an abusive dyad than mere pecuniary convenience. The abuser �?/SPAN> stealthily but unfailingly �?/SPAN> exploits the vulnerabilities in the psychological makeup of his victim. The abused party may have low self-esteem, a fluctuating sense of self-worth, primitive defence mechanisms, phobias, mental health problems, a disability, a history of failure, or a tendency to blame herself, or to feel inadequate (autoplastic neurosis). She may have come from an abusive family or environment �?/SPAN> which conditioned her to expect abuse as inevitable and "normal". In extreme and rare cases �?/SPAN> the victim is a masochist, possessed of an urge to seek ill-treatment and pain.

The abuser may be functional or dysfunctional, a pillar of society, or a peripatetic con-artist, rich or poor, young or old. There is no universally-applicable profile of the "typical abuser". Yet, abusive behaviour often indicates serious underlying psychopathologies. Absent empathy, the abuser perceives the abused spouse only dimly and partly, as one would an inanimate source of frustration. The abuser, in his mind, interacts only with himself and with "introjects" �?/SPAN> representations of outside objects, such as his victims.

 

Also Read

 The Narcissist and His Family

Narcissists, Sex and Fidelity

The Victims of the Narcissist

Narcissism By Proxy

The Narcissistic Couple

The Extramarital Narcissist

The Inverted Narcissist

Mourning the Narcissist

Narcissists and Women

Surviving the Narcissist

My Woman and I

What is Abuse?

Abuse in the Family

Back to La-la Land

The Cult of the Narcissist

The Narcissist in Love

Narcissists - Stable or Unstable?

The Two Loves of the Narcissist

That Thing Between a Man and a Woman

The Malignant Optimism of the Abused

Grandiosity and Intimacy - The Roots of Paranoia

Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply and Sources of Supply

Hope you derived some help from our correspondence.

Take care.

Sam


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