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I am a woman in my early 30s with a background of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of my stepfather and brother, sexual abuse by a number of individuals, and a mother with bipolar disorder. I met my N six months ago, when I was in the process of leaving my emotionally abusive partner, who Id been with for six years. We met through an online journal website. I paid her a compliment on something shed written about, and immediately she swooped in with an instant message: “Are you trying to make me love you?
So it began. We live 1500 miles apart, so we exchanged many emails and chatted online, then began having long telephone conversations for a period of several weeks as I packed my belongings and moved into an apartment. She was supportive, kind, smart, and had a terrific sense of humor. She told me a bit about herself; how shed broken up with her girlfriend a few months prior because shed fallen in love with another woman, only to have this new girlfriend “betray her and break her heart. She also told me she had ovarian cancer and had already had one ovary removed. She said she was looking into treatment options for the other ovary. I didnt press the issue at the time, even though Im a nurse and all kinds of questions popped into my head. I figured it was her business and shed reveal more when she was ready.
Two weeks after moving into the new apartment, she called me and said she wanted to meet me. I agreed to meet her, and the instant we saw each other, sparks flew. Things progressed very quickly from there. I fell in love so quickly, so completely, I began to seriously consider the idea of moving to her state. I would be close to New York City, which is a place Ive fantasized about living in ever since I was a young girl. The prospect seemed so exciting, I began making plans. I knew it would take some time, because I was in debt. I had just started over... walked away from my partner and our house, and had nothing. I figured it would give us time to get to know each other better while I saved money.
She convinced me to spend more time with her before making such a huge decision. She would be spending two months working as a director at a summer camp. We both came up with the idea that I could work there, too. It would give us an opportunity to have daily contact; to see if we were truly compatible. But I was hesitant, because I wouldnt be able to give my employer much notice, and Id be taking a huge pay cut. She became very angry when I told her my concerns. She accused me of being money-driven and selfish. After all, she had cancer, for gods sake and if I loved and trusted her, I would take this opportunity without hesitation.
So I did it, even though there were so many red flags telling me not to. During the month I ended up working and living there, she said her cancer had progressed and she needed radiation therapy... then chemo. I told her I wanted to go with her to her appointments. She vehemently told me there was no way she would let me go with her. The more questions I asked, the more infuriated she became. She would turn downright nasty and mean, saying it was none of my business and if I cared about her, I would respect her wishes for privacy. I told her if she loved me, she would let me be there for her. I tried not to ask too many questions anymore, but something didnt feel right in my gut.
She finally said the chemo wasnt working anymore and her doctor wanted to do a hysterectomy. Much drama ensued. She said she wouldnt do it... that shed rather drive off into the sunset and die on the side of the road somewhere because she had nothing to live for, anyway. She said Id get over her, that I could do better, and that I never should have come there. I nearly went insane. Here was the love of my life telling me shed rather die than fight to spend the rest of her life with me.
Finally, after much ado, she said she’d have the operation, but I was under no circumstances allowed to see her in the hospital. She couldnt be seen as weak in the eyes of someone she loved. She disappeared. I tried to find her. I called her doctor, and long story short, found out her doctor was never planning on doing a hysterectomy and had no idea why she would be on radiation or chemotherapy for her condition.
I felt like Id been punched in the stomach. She emailed me, furious that Id called her doctor, and gave me lame excuses about seeing a different specialist who was going to do the surgery. She told me to go home. So I did.
I felt like I was losing my mind. I was devastated. I knew she was lying, but I couldnt accept it, so I put it out of my mind. I decided I didnt care if she was lying or not... if she was, she was very sick but it didnt make me stop loving her. I was willing to forgive that horrible deception. I made excuses for her. Shed been abused in sickening ways as a child. Surely she needed love and support, not more anger and rejection.
I hadnt given up my plan on moving, even though things were feeling more and more wrong... but about a month later, she emailed me and told me she was getting back together with her ex-girlfriend. She couldnt wait any longer for me, she said. For all she knew, I was never going to move up there, and she needed someone to be there for her. She needed to get on with her life.
Again, I felt like Id been hit by a truck. Her emails became cruel and spiteful, and the few times we talked on the phone, it consisted of her spewing venom and me sobbing hysterically. She really rubbed it in my face about the ex, and how nice it was to feel safe and comforted and loved by someone again. I quickly spiraled down into a deep depression, to the point of considering suicide. Luckily for me, I have an excellent therapist who has been able to help guide me through these feelings.
Now it is six weeks later and she wants to be friends. She says she misses me... that she made a mistake getting back with her ex, because she hates her, but she didnt know what to else to do. She needed someone, and ex was convenient. At the same time, shes made a commitment to the ex, and cannot undo whats been done. She says she wont hurt the ex again the way she has in the past.
I told her I didnt see how we could be friends, especially because I still love her and would want so much more than that. I told her I needed a break... I needed time and space away from her. She was understanding at first, and respected my wishes. But a couple of weeks later, she emailed me again. She thinks its stupid: we should either decide to be friends or not. Every time Ive set a boundary since then, she is cooperative for a short period of time, but then breaks in again - with a text message, an email or a phone call.
I know I need to cut off ties completely. I know this in my mind and deep in my gut. But there is something in my heart that doesnt know how to let go. I miss her, too. And I feel guilty for abandoning her, just like so many people have done before me.
During the time we were together, she often belittled me and called me names, all under the guise of kidding around. Her words could be cutting and cruel one moment, then passionate and loving the next. If I expressed hurt, she would get angry and say if I really knew her, Id know she loved me and she didnt mean those things. Shed tell me to lighten up, not take life so seriously. There were countless times that shed warn me about her. Shed say things like, I dont want to hurt you, but I really want to save you from me. Ill push the right button eventually...You deserve to be thrilled. Go find some lovely woman to sweep you off your feet so that I will only be a distant memory...
She would flirt shamelessly with other women, as if I wasnt even in the room. If I had a problem with it, she said I jealousy issues. Sex was critical to her. She needed it frequently and warned that she was not the type to wane sexually once in a committed relationship - that she had cheated on many girlfriends before me because they couldnt meet her requirements for daily sex. She said sex was more important to her than honesty. Shed often say I was lying when Id compliment her about anything... whether it be her looks or her sexual abilities. But thats okay, shed say. I need to hear the lies. Keep them coming.
My friends dont understand why I continue to give her the time of day. Frankly, I dont understand it, either. I feel so utterly betrayed. I feel as though Ive been shattered into a million pieces, and I dont know how to begin putting myself together again.
Question #1: Is it ever wise or worthwhile to attempt a friendship with someone after a betrayal and emotional battering such as this? I cant seem to stop caring about her.
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| | From:  samvak | Sent: 13/12/2004 3:14 p.m. |
Hi, Elizabeth and welcome aboard. You ask: "Is it ever wise or worthwhile to attempt a friendship with someone after a betrayal and emotional battering.." Sam: You know the answer to that one. Every 6 years old kid knows the answer to this one. This is not the real question, the one you should confront. "I cant seem to stop caring about her" This is the issue you should confront - pathological codependence. And you cannot "reprogram" yourself on your own. You need professional help and guidance. Codependents are people who depend on other people for their emotional gratification and the performance of Ego or daily functions. They are needy, demanding, submissive. They fear abandonment, cling and display immature behaviours in their effort to maintain the "relationship" with their companion or mate upon whom they depend. No matter what abuse is inflicted upon them �?they remain in the relationship. See also the definition of the Dependent Personality Disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-IV-TR, 2000). Also see this: The Inverted Narcissist - Codependence and Relationships with Abusive Narcissists
Self-flagellation is a characteristic of those who choose to live with a narcissist (for a choice it is). Constant feelings of guilt, self-reproach, self-recrimination and, thus, self-punishment characterize the relationships formed between the sadist-narcissist and the masochistic-dependent mate or partner. The narcissist is sadistic because, early on, he was forced into expressing his own guilt and self-reproach in this manner. His Superego is unpredictable, capricious, arbitrary, judgemental, cruel, and self-annihilating (suicidal). Externalising these internal traits is a way of alleviating internal conflicts and fears generated by the narcissist's inner turmoil. The narcissist projects this "civil war" and drags everyone around him into a swirl of bitterness, suspiciousness, meanness, aggression and pettiness. His life is a reflection of his psychological landscape: barren, paranoiac, tormented, guilt ridden. He feels compelled to do unto others what he inflicts upon himself. He gradually transforms his closest, nearest and dearest into replicas of his conflictive, punishing personality structure. Some narcissists are more subtle than others. They disguise their sadism. For instance, they "educate" their family members or friends (for their sake, as they present it). This “education�?is compulsive, obsessive, incessantly, harshly and unduly critical. Its effect is to erode the subject, to humiliate, to create dependence, to intimidate, to restrain, to control, to paralyse. The victim of such "edification" internalises the endless hectoring and humiliating criticism and makes them his own. She begins to see justice where there is only twisted logic based on crooked assumptions. She begins to self-punish, to withhold, to request approval prior to any action, to forgo her preferences and priorities, to erase her own identity �?hoping to thus avoid the excruciating pains of the narcissist's destructive analyses. Other narcissists are less sophisticated and they use all manner of abuse to domesticate their kin and partners in life. This includes physical violence, verbal violence (during intensive rage attacks), psychological abuse, brutal "honesty", sick or offending humour, and so on. But both categories of narcissists employ very simple deceptive mechanisms to achieve their goals. One thing should be clear: such abusive practice is not a well thought out, previously planned campaign by the average narcissist. His behaviour is dictated by forces that he cannot master. Most of the time the narcissist is not even conscious of why he is doing what he is doing. When he is self-aware �?he can't seem to be able to predict the outcomes of his actions. Even when he can foretell them �?he feels powerless to modify his behavior. The narcissist is a pawn in the chess game played between the structures of his fragmented, fluid personality. So, in a classical �?juridical sense, the narcissist is not to blame, he is not fully responsible or aware of what he is doing to others. This seems to contradict my answer to FAQ # 13 where I write: "The narcissist knows to tell right from wrong. He is perfectly capable of anticipating the results of his actions and their influence on his milieu. The narcissist is very perceptive and sensitive to the subtlest nuances. He has to be: the very integrity of his personality depends upon input from others�?A person suffering from NPD must be subjected to the same moral treatment and judgement as the rest of us are. The courts do not recognise NPD as a mitigating circumstance �?why should we?" But, the contradiction is only apparent. The narcissist is perfectly capable of both distinguishing right from wrong �?and of foreseeing the outcomes of his actions. In this sense, the narcissist should be held liable for his misdeeds and exploits. If he so chooses, the narcissist can fight his compulsive inclination to behave the way he does. This would come at a great personal psychological price, though. Avoidance or suppression of a compulsive act result in increased anxiety. The narcissist prefers his own well-being to that of others. Even when confronted with the great misery that he fosters, he hardly feels responsible (for instance, he rarely attends psychotherapy). To put it more plainly, the (average) narcissist is unable to answer the question: "Why did you do what you did?" or "Why did you choose this mode of action over others available to you under the same circumstances?" These decisions are taken unconsciously. But once the course of action is (unconsciously) chosen, the narcissist has a perfect grasp of what he is doing, whether it is right or wrong and what will be the price others are likely to pay for his actions and choices. And he can then decide to reverse course (for instance, to refrain from doing anything). On the one hand, therefore, the narcissist is not to blame �?on the other hand, he is very guilty. The narcissist deliberately confuses responsibility with guilt. The concepts are so close that the distinctions often get blurred. By provoking guilt in responsibility-laden situations, the narcissist transforms life with him into a constant trial. Actually, the continuous trial itself is the punishment. Failures, for instance, induce guilt. The narcissist always labels someone else's efforts as "failures" and then proceeds to shift the responsibility for said failures to his victim so as to maximise the opportunity to chastise and castigate her. The logic is two-phased. First, every responsibility imputed to the victim is bound to lead to failure, which, in turn, induces in the victim guilt feelings, self-recrimination and self-punishment. Secondly, more and more responsibilities are shifted away from the narcissist and onto his mate �?so that, as time goes by, an asymmetry of failures is established. Burdened with less and less responsibilities and tasks �?the narcissist fails less. It preserves the narcissist's sense of superiority, on the one hand �?and legitimises his sadistic attacks on his victim, on the other hand. The narcissist's partner is is often a willing participant in this shared psychosis. Such follies-a-deux can never take place without the full collaboration of a voluntarily subordinated victim. Such partners have a wish to be punished, to be eroded through constant, biting criticisms, unfavourable comparisons, veiled and not so veiled threats, acting out, betrayals and humiliations. It makes them feel cleansed, "holy", whole, and sacrificial. Many of these partners, when they realise their situation (it is very difficult to discern it from the inside) �?abandon the narcissist and dismantle the relationship. Others prefer to believe in the healing power of love or some such other nonsense. It is nonsense not because love has no therapeutic power �?it is by far the most powerful weapon in the healing arsenal. It is nonsense because it is wasted on a human shell, incapable of feeling anything but negative emotions, which vaguely filter through his dreamlike existence. The narcissist is unable to love, his emotional apparatus ruined by years of deprivation, abuse, misuse and disuse. Granted, the narcissist is a consummate manipulator of human emotions and their attendant behaviours. He is convincing, he is deviously successful and sweeps everyone around him into the turbulent delusion which he consists of. He uses anything and anyone to secure his dose of Narcissistic Supply and discards, without hesitation those he deems "useless". The narcissist-victim dyad is a conspiracy, a collusion of victim and mental tormentor, a collaboration of two needy people who find solace and supply in each other's deviations. Only by breaking loose, by aborting the game, by ignoring the rules �?can the victim be transformed (and by the way, acquire the newly found appreciation of the narcissist). The narcissist also stands to benefit from such a move. But both the narcissist and his partner do not really think about each other. Gripped in the arms of an all-consuming dance macabre, they follow the motions morbidly, semiconscious, desensitised, exhausted, concerned only with survival. Living with a narcissist is very much like being in a maximum security prison. The narcissist's partner should not feel guilty or responsible and should not seek to change what only time (not even therapy) and (difficult) circumstances may change. She should not strive to please and to appease, to be and not to be, to barely survive as a superposition of pain and fear. Releasing herself from the chains of guilt and from the throes of a debilitating relationship is the best help that a loving mate can provide to her ailing narcissistic partner. Also Read The Inverted Narcissist The Spouse / Mate / Partner The Victims of the Narcissist The Narcissist as a Sadist Narcissism By Proxy What is Abuse? Abuse in the Family It takes two to tango �?/SPAN> and an equal number to sustain a long-term abusive relationship. The abuser and the abused form a bond, a dynamic, and a dependence. Expressions such as "follies a deux" and the "Stockholm Syndrome" capture facets �?/SPAN> two of a myriad �?/SPAN> of this danse macabre. It often ends fatally. It is always an excruciatingly painful affair. Abuse is closely correlated with alcoholism, drug consumption, intimate-partner homicide, teen pregnancy, infant and child mortality, spontaneous abortion, reckless behaviours, suicide, and the onset of mental health disorders. It doesn't help that society refuses to openly and frankly tackle this pernicious phenomenon and the guilt and shame associated with it. People �?/SPAN> overwhelmingly women �?/SPAN> remain in an abusive household for a variety of reasons: economic, parental (to protect the children), and psychological. But the objective obstacles facing the battered spouse cannot be overstated. The abuser treats his spouse as an object, an extension of himself, devoid of a separate existence and denuded of distinct needs. Thus, typically, the couple's assets are on his name �?/SPAN> from real estate to medical insurance policies. The victim has no family or friends because her abusive partner or husband frowns on her initial independence and regards it as a threat. By intimidating, cajoling, charming, and making false promises, the abuser isolates his prey from the rest of society and, thus, makes her dependence on him total. She is often also denied the option to study and acquire marketable skills or augment them. Abandoning the abusive spouse frequently leads to a prolonged period of destitution and peregrination. Custody is usually denied to parents without a permanent address, a job, income security, and, therefore, stability. Thus, the victim stands to lose not only her mate and nest �?/SPAN> but also her off-spring. There is the added menace of violent retribution by the abuser or his proxies �?/SPAN> coupled with emphatic contrition on his part and a protracted and irresistible "charm offensive". Gradually, she is convinced to put up with her spouse's cruelty in order to avoid this harrowing predicament. But there is more to an abusive dyad than mere pecuniary convenience. The abuser �?/SPAN> stealthily but unfailingly �?/SPAN> exploits the vulnerabilities in the psychological makeup of his victim. The abused party may have low self-esteem, a fluctuating sense of self-worth, primitive defence mechanisms, phobias, mental health problems, a disability, a history of failure, or a tendency to blame herself, or to feel inadequate (autoplastic neurosis). She may have come from an abusive family or environment �?/SPAN> which conditioned her to expect abuse as inevitable and "normal". In extreme and rare cases �?/SPAN> the victim is a masochist, possessed of an urge to seek ill-treatment and pain. The abuser may be functional or dysfunctional, a pillar of society, or a peripatetic con-artist, rich or poor, young or old. There is no universally-applicable profile of the "typical abuser". Yet, abusive behaviour often indicates serious underlying psychopathologies. Absent empathy, the abuser perceives the abused spouse only dimly and partly, as one would an inanimate source of frustration. The abuser, in his mind, interacts only with himself and with "introjects" �?/SPAN> representations of outside objects, such as his victims. Take care. Sam |
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Question #2: If NPD occurs as a result of a deep wounding of the psyche at a very young age, is it reasonable to believe that these people have been “programmed�?and the damage cannot be undone? In other words, can we hold them completely responsible for their behavior?
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| | | From: samvak | Sent: 14/12/2004 3:10 p.m. |
Hi, Elizabeth, Question: The narcissist is not entirely responsible for his actions. Should we judge him, get angry at him, be upset by him? Above all, should we communicate to him our displeasure? Answer: The narcissist knows to tell right from wrong. He is perfectly capable of anticipating the results of his actions and their influence on his human environment. The narcissist is very perceptive and sensitive to the subtlest nuances. He has to be: the very integrity of his personality depends upon input from others. But the narcissist does not care. Unable to empathise, he does not fully experience the outcomes of his deeds and decision. For him, humans are dispensable, rechargeable, reusable. They are there to fulfil a function: to supply him with Narcissistic Supply (adoration, admiration, approval, affirmation, etc.) They do not have an existence apart from carrying out their "duties". True: it is the disposition of the narcissist to treat humans in the inhuman way that he does. However, this propensity is absolutely controllable. The narcissist has a choice �?he just doesn't think anyone is worth making it. It is a fact that the narcissist can behave completely differently (under identical circumstances) �?depending on who else is involved in the situation. He is not likely to be enraged by the behaviour of an important person (=with a potential to supply him narcissistically). But, he might become absolutely violent with his nearest and dearest under the same circumstances. This is because they are captives, they do not have to be won over, the Narcissistic Supply coming from them is taken for granted. Being a narcissist does not exempt the patient from being a human being. A person suffering from NPD must be subjected to the same moral treatment and judgement as the rest of us, less privileged ones. The courts do not recognise NPD as a mitigating circumstance �?why should we? Treating the narcissist specially will only exacerbate the condition by supporting the grandiose, fantastic image the narcissist has of himself. Also Read Other People's Pain Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply and Sources of Supply Question: Should the narcissist be held accountable for his actions? Answer: Narcissists of all shades can usually control their behaviour and actions. They simply don't care to, they regard it as a waste of their precious time, or a humiliating chore. The narcissist feels both superior and entitled �?regardless of his real gifts or achievements. Other people are inferior, his slaves, there to cater to his needs and make his existence seamless, flowing and smooth. The narcissist holds himself to be cosmically significant and thus entitled to the conditions needed to realise his talents and to successfully complete his mission (which changes fluidly and about which he has no clue except that it has to do with brilliance and fame). What the narcissist cannot control is his void, his emotional black hole, the fact that he doesn't know what it is like to be human (lacks empathy). As a result, narcissists are awkward, tactless, painful, taciturn, abrasive and insensitive. The narcissist should be held accountable to most of his actions, even taking into account his sometimes uncontrollable rage and the backdrop of his grandiose fantasies. Admittedly, at times, the narcissist finds it hard control his rage. But at all times, even during the worst explosive episode: - He can tell right from wrong;
- He simply doesn't care about the other person sufficiently to refrain from action.
Similarly, the narcissist cannot "control" his grandiose fantasies. He firmly believes that they constitute an accurate representation of reality. But: - He knows that lying is wrong and not done;
- He simply doesn't care enough about society and others to refrain from confabulating.
To summarize, narcissists should be held accountable for most of their actions because they can tell wrong from right and they can refrain from acting. They simply don't care enough about others to put to good use these twin abilities. Others are not sufficiently important to dent the narcissist's indifference or to alter his abusive conduct. Also Read Narcissistic Immunity Crime and Punishment Responsibility and Other Matters The Compulsive Acts of a Narcissist Take care. Sam |
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What was the reason behind forewarning me? More importantly, I realize I need to figure out why I didnt heed her words... Is a N (if thats indeed what she is) truly that aware insofar as to wish to save people from her, or is it another act of trickery, designed to get people to reassure her?
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| | | From: samvak | Sent: 15/12/2004 1:57 p.m. |
Hi, Elizabeth, She did not forewarn you. She did not even warn you. She dumped you, lied to you, hurt you and abused you and then - probably tired of you - she told you to keep your distance for your own sake (in order to, once and for all, get rid of your nagging presence). Read your own words and ask yourself why you feel the need to re-write history and cast her in a better - untrue - light. "I hadnt given up my plan on moving, even though things were feeling more and more wrong... but about a month later, she emailed me and told me she was getting back together with her ex-girlfriend." Where is the forewarning here? You suffer from an acute case of malignant optimism, Elizabeth. And this is bad news. I often come across sad examples of the powers of self-delusion that the narcissist provokes in his victims. It is what I call "malignant optimism". People refuse to believe that some questions are unsolvable, some diseases incurable, some disasters inevitable. They see a sign of hope in every fluctuation. They read meaning and patterns into every random occurrence, utterance, or slip. They are deceived by their own pressing need to believe in the ultimate victory of good over evil, health over sickness, order over disorder. Life appears otherwise so meaningless, so unjust and so arbitrary... So, they impose upon it a design, progress, aims, and paths. This is magical thinking. "If only he tried hard enough", "If he only really wanted to heal", "If only we found the right therapy", "If only his defences were down", "There MUST be something good and worthy under the hideous facade", "NO ONE can be that evil and destructive", "He must have meant it differently" "God, or a higher being, or the spirit, or the soul is the solution and the answer to our prayers". The Pollyanna defences of the abused are aimed against the emerging and horrible understanding that humans are specks of dust in a totally indifferent universe, the playthings of evil and sadistic forces, of which the narcissist is one - as well as against the unbearable realization that their pain means nothing to anyone but themselves. Nothing whatsoever. It has all been in vain. The narcissist holds such thinking in barely undisguised contempt. To him, it is a sign of weakness, the scent of prey, a gaping vulnerability. He uses and abuses this human need for order, good, and meaning - as he uses and abuses all other human needs. Gullibility, selective blindness, malignant optimism - these are the weapons of the beast. And the abused are hard at work to provide it with its arsenal. Narcissists often fake magnanimity and empathy - even modesty! But the "modesty" displayed by narcissists is false. It is mostly and merely verbal. It is couched in flourishing phrases, emphasised to absurdity, repeated unnecessarily �?usually to the point of causing gross inconvenience to the listener. The real aim of such behaviour and its subtext are exactly the opposite of common modesty. It is intended to either aggrandise the narcissist or to protect his grandiosity from scrutiny and possible erosion. Such modest outbursts precede inflated, grandiosity-laden statements made by the narcissist and pertaining to fields of human knowledge and activity in which he is sorely lacking. Devoid of systematic and methodical education, the narcissist tries to make do with pompous, or aggressive mannerisms, bombastic announcements, and the unnecessary and wrong usage of professional jargon. He attempts to dazzle his surroundings with apparent "brilliance" and to put possible critics on the defence. Beneath all this he is shallow, ignorant, improvising, and fearful of being exposed as deceitful. The narcissist is a conjurer of verbosity, using sleight of mouth rather than sleight of hand. He is ever possessed by the fear that he is really a petty crook about to be unearthed and reviled by society. This is a horrible feeling to endure and a taxing, onerous way to live. The narcissist has to protect himself from his own premonitions, from his internal semipternal trial, his guilt, shame, and anxiety. One of the more efficacious defence mechanisms is false modesty. The narcissist publicly chastises himself for being unfit, unworthy, lacking, not trained and not (formally) schooled, not objective, cognisant of his own shortcomings and vain. This way, if (or, rather, when) exposed he could always say: "But I told you so in the first place, haven't I?" False modesty is, thus an insurance policy. The narcissist "hedges his bets" by placing a side bet on his own fallibility, weakness, deficiencies and proneness to err. Yet another function is to extract Narcissistic Supply from the listener. By contrasting his own self-deprecation with a brilliant, dazzling display of ingenuity, wit, intellect, knowledge, or beauty �?the narcissist aims to secure an adoring, admiring, approving, or applauding protestation from the listener. The person to whom the falsely modest statement is addressed is expected to vehemently deny the narcissist's claims: "But, really, you are more of an expert than you say!", or "Why did you tell me that you are unable to do (this or that)? Truly, you are very gifted!" "Don't put yourself down so much - you are a generous man!" The narcissist then shrugs, smirks, blushes and moves uncomfortably from side to side. This was not his intention, he assures his interlocutor. He did not mean to fish for compliments (exactly what he did mean to do). He really does not deserve the praise. But the aim has, thus, been achieved: the Narcissistic Supply has been doled out and avidly consumed. Despite the narcissist's protestations, he feels much better now. The narcissist is a dilettante and a charlatan. He glosses over complicated subjects and situations in life. He sails through them powered by shallow acquaintance with rapidly acquired verbal and behavioural vocabularies (which he then promptly proceeds to forget). False modesty is only one of a series of feigned behaviours. The narcissist is a pathological liar, either implicitly or explicitly. His whole existence is a derivative of a False Self, his deceitful invention and its reflections. With false modesty he seeks to involve others in his mind games, to co-opt them, to force them to collaborate while making ultimate use of social conventions of conduct. The narcissist, above all, is a shrewd manipulator, well-acquainted with human nature and its fault lines. No narcissist will ever admit to it. In this sense, narcissists are really modest. Also Read The Weapon of Language The Narcissist's Reality Substitutes The Narcissist's Confabulated Life At the commencement of the relationship, the Narcissist is a dream-come-true. He is often intelligent, witty, charming, good looking, an achiever, empathetic, in need of love, loving, caring, attentive and much more. He is the perfect bundled answer to the nagging questions of life: finding meaning, companionship, compatibility and happiness. He is, in other words, ideal. It is difficult to let go of this idealized figure. Relationships with narcissists inevitably and invariably end with the dawn of a double realisation. The first is that one has been (ab)used by the narcissist and the second is that one was regarded by the narcissist as a disposable, dispensable and interchangeable instrument (object). The assimilation of this new gained knowledge is an excruciating process, often unsuccessfully completed. People get fixated at different stages. They fail to come to terms with their rejection as human beings �?the most total form of rejection there is. We all react to loss. Loss makes us feel helpless and objectified. When our loved ones die �?we feel that Nature or God or Life treated us as playthings. When we divorce (especially if we did not initiate the break-up), we often feel that we have been exploited and abused in the relationship, that we are being "dumped", that our needs and emotions are ignored. In short, we again feel objectified. Losing the narcissist is no different to any other major loss in life. It provokes a cycle of bereavement and grief (as well as some kind of mild post traumatic stress syndrome in cases of severe abuse). This cycle has four phases: denial, rage, sadness and acceptance. Denial can assume many forms. Some go on pretending that the narcissist is still a part of their life, even going to the extreme of "interacting" with the narcissist by pretending to "communicate" with him or to "meet" him (through others, for instance). Others develop persecutory delusions, thus incorporating the imaginary narcissist into their lives as an ominous and dark presence. This ensures "his" continued "interest" in them �?however malevolent and threatening that "interest" is perceived to be. These are radical denial mechanisms, which border on the psychotic and often dissolve into brief psychotic micro-episodes. More benign and transient forms of denial include the development of ideas of reference. The narcissist's every move or utterance is interpreted to be directed at the suffering person, his ex, and to carry a hidden message which can be "decoded" only by the recipient. Others deny the very narcissistic nature of the narcissist. They attribute his abusive conduct to ignorance, mischief, lack of self-control (due to childhood abuse or trauma), or benign intentions. This denial mechanism leads them to believe that the narcissist is really not a narcissist but someone who is not aware of his "true" being, or someone who merely and innocently enjoys mind games and toying with people's lives, or an unwitting part of a dark conspiracy to defraud and abuse gullible victims. Often the narcissist is depicted as obsessed or possessed �?imprisoned by his "invented" condition and, really, deep inside, a nice and gentle and lovable person. At the healthier end of the spectrum of denial reactions we find the classical denial of loss �?the disbelief, the hope that the narcissist may return, the suspension and repression of all information to the contrary. Denial in mentally healthy people quickly evolves into rage. There are a few types of rage. Rage can be focussed and directed at the narcissist, at other facilitators of the loss, such as the narcissist's lover, or at specific circumstances. It can be directed at oneself �?which often leads to depression, suicidal ideation, self-mutilation and, in some cases, suicide. Or, it can be diffuse, all-pervasive, all-encompassing and engulfing. Such loss-related rage can be intense and in bursts or osmotic and permeate the whole emotional landscape. Rage gives place to sadness. It is the sadness of the trapped animal, an existential angst mixed with acute depression. It involves dysphoria (inability to rejoice, to be optimistic, or expectant) and anhedonia (inability to experience pleasure or to find meaning in life). It is a paralysing sensation, which slows one down and enshrouds everything in the grey veil of randomness. It all looks meaningless and empty. This, in turn, gives place to gradual acceptance, renewed energy, and bouts of activity. The narcissist is gone both physically and mentally. The void left in his wake still hurts and pangs of regret and hope still exist. But, on the whole, the narcissist is transformed into a narrative, a symbol, another life experience, or a (tedious) cliché. He is no longer omni-present and his former victim entertains no delusions as to the one-sided and abusive nature of the relationship or as to the possibility and desirability of its renewal. Take care. Sam |
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|  0 recommendations | Message 7 of 13 in Discussion |
| | Sent: 15/12/2004 3:07 p.m. |
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| | 0 recommendations | Message 8 of 13 in Discussion |
| | Sent: 15/12/2004 9:10 p.m. |
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The Case Studies threads are reserved for correspondance between Dr. Vaknin and the person doing the Case Study. If you want to start your post on a new thread or post on the "Ask Dr. Vaknin" thread, please do so. Thanks, TJ |
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Question #4: How common is it for Ns to feign or exaggerate illnesses to get attention and sympathy?
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| | | From: samvak | Sent: 16/12/2004 4:17 p.m. |
Hi, Elizabeth, You may wish to start by reading about Factitious Disorders: There are no studies linking pathological narcissism to the Munchausen Syndrome or to the Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. But this means little. There is a general dearth of studies on pathological narcissism. Still, these may be of interest to you: And, more tangentially, these: Take care. Sam |
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I have tried in the past to point out her projections, discrepancies, and verbal attacks, even quoting her and showing her emails shes sent me, to validate my points. She always talks her way around them or makes excuses. Does she truly not comprehend, or is it just more BS? |
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| | | From: samvak | Sent: 17/12/2004 1:52 p.m. |
Hi, Elizabeth, In the the narcissist's surrealistic world, even language is pathologized. It mutates into a weapon of self-defence, a verbal fortification, a medium without a message, replacing words with duplicitous and ambiguous vocables. Narcissists (and, often, by contagion, their unfortunate victims) don't talk, or communicate. They fend off. They hide and evade and avoid and disguise. In their planet of capricious and arbitrary unpredictability, of shifting semiotic and semantic dunes - they perfect the ability to say nothing in lengthy, Castro-like speeches. The ensuing convoluted sentences are arabesques of meaninglessness, acrobatics of evasion, lack of commitment elevated to an ideology. The narcissist prefers to wait and see what waiting brings. It is the postponement of the inevitable that leads to the inevitability of postponement as a strategy of survival. It is often impossible to really understand a narcissist. The evasive syntax fast deteriorates into ever more labyrinthine structures. The grammar tortured to produce the verbal Doppler shifts essential to disguise the source of the information, its distance from reality, the speed of its degeneration into rigid "official" versions. Buried under the lush flora and fauna of idioms without an end, the language erupts, like some exotic rash, an autoimmune reaction to its infection and contamination. Like vile weeds it spread throughout, strangling with absent minded persistence the ability to understand, to feel, to agree, to disagree and to debate, to present arguments, to compare notes, to learn and to teach. Narcissists, therefore, never talk to others - rather, they talk at others, or lecture them. They exchange subtexts, camouflage-wrapped by elaborate, florid, texts. They read between the lines, spawning a multitude of private languages, prejudices, superstitions, conspiracy theories, rumours, phobias and hysterias. Theirs is a solipsistic world - where communication is permitted only with oneself and the aim of language is to throw others off the scent or to obtain Narcissistic Supply. This has profound implications. Communication through unequivocal, unambiguous, information-rich symbol systems is such an integral and crucial part of our world - that its absence is not postulated even in the remotest galaxies which grace the skies of science fiction. In this sense, narcissists are nothing short of aliens. It is not that they employ a different language, a code to be deciphered by a new Freud. It is also not the outcome of upbringing or socio-cultural background. It is the fact that language is put by narcissists to a different use - not to communicate but to obscure, not to share but to abstain, not to learn but to defend and resist, not to teach but to preserve ever less tenable monopolies, to disagree without incurring wrath, to criticize without commitment, to agree without appearing to do so. Thus, an "agreement" with a narcissist is a vague expression of intent at a given moment - rather than the clear listing of long term, iron-cast and mutual commitments. The rules that govern the narcissist's universe are loopholed incomprehensibles, open to an exegesis so wide and so self-contradictory that it renders them meaningless. The narcissist often hangs himself by his own verbose Gordic knots, having stumbled through a minefield of logical fallacies and endured self inflicted inconsistencies. Unfinished sentences hover in the air, like vapour above a semantic swamp. In the case of the inverted narcissist, who was suppressed and abused by overbearing caregivers, there is the strong urge not to offend. Intimacy and inter-dependence are great. Parental or peer pressures are irresistible and result in conformity and self-deprecation. Aggressive tendencies, strongly repressed in the social pressure cooker, teem under the veneer of forced civility and violent politeness. Constructive ambiguity, a non-committal "everyone is good and right", an atavistic variant of moral relativism and tolerance bred of fear and of contempt - are all at the service of this eternal vigilance against aggressive drives, at the disposal of a never ending peacekeeping mission. With the classic narcissist, language is used cruelly and ruthlessly to ensnare one's enemies, to saw confusion and panic, to move others to emulate the narcissist ("projective identification"), to leave the listeners in doubt, in hesitation, in paralysis, to gain control, or to punish. Language is enslaved and forced to lie. The language is appropriated and expropriated. It is considered to be a weapon, an asset, a piece of lethal property, a traitorous mistress to be gang raped into submission. With cerebral narcissists, language is a lover. The infatuation with its very sound leads to a pyrotechnic type of speech which sacrifices its meaning to its music. Its speakers pay more attention to the composition than to the content. They are swept by it, intoxicated by its perfection, inebriated by the spiralling complexity of its forms. Here, language is an inflammatory process. It attacks the very tissues of the narcissist's relationships with artistic fierceness. It invades the healthy cells of reason and logic, of cool headed argumentation and level headed debate. Language is a leading indicator of the psychological and institutional health of social units, such as the family, or the workplace. Social capital can often be measured in cognitive (hence, verbal-lingual) terms. To monitor the level of comprehensibility and lucidity of texts is to study the degree of sanity of family members, co-workers, friends, spouses, mates, and colleagues. There can exist no hale society without unambiguous speech, without clear communications, without the traffic of idioms and content that is an inseparable part of every social contract. Our language determines how we perceive our world. It IS our mind and our consciousness. The narcissist, in this respect, is a great social menace. The narcissist is forever trapped in the unresolved conflicts of his childhood (including the famous Oedipus Complex). This compels him to seek resolution by re-enacting these conflicts with significant others. But he is likely to return to the Primary Objects in his life (parents, authority figures, role models, or caregivers) to do either of two: - To "re-charge" the conflict "battery", or
- When unable to re-enact the conflict with another.
The narcissist relates to his human environment through his unresolved conflicts. It is the energy of the tension thus created that sustains him. The narcissist is a person driven by parlously imminent eruptions, by the unsettling prospect of losing his precarious balance. Being a narcissist is a tightrope act. The narcissist must remain alert and on-edge. Only in a constant state of active conflict does he attain the requisite levels of mental arousal. This periodical interaction with the objects of his conflicts sustains the inner turmoil, keeps the narcissist on his toes, infuses him with the intoxicating feeling that he is alive. The narcissist perceives every disagreement �?let alone criticism �?as nothing short of a threat. He reacts defensively. He becomes indignant, aggressive and cold. He detaches emotionally for fear of yet another (narcissistic) injury. He devalues the person who made the disparaging remark. By holding the critic in contempt, by diminishing the stature of the discordant conversant �?the narcissist minimises the impact of the disagreement or criticism on himself. This is a defence mechanism known as cognitive dissonance. Like a trapped animal, the narcissist is forever on the lookout: was this comment meant to demean him? Was this utterance a deliberate attack? Gradually, his mind turns into a chaotic battlefield of paranoia and ideas of reference until he loses touch with reality and retreats to his own world of fantasised and unchallenged grandiosity. When the disagreement or criticism or disapproval or approbation are public, though, the narcissist tends to regard them as Narcissistic Supply! Only when they are expressed in private �?does the narcissist rage against them. The cerebral narcissist is as competitive and intolerant of criticism or disagreement as his somatic counterpart. The subjugation and subordination of others demand the establishment of his undisputed intellectual superiority or professional authority. Alexander Lowen wrote an excellent exposition of this "hidden or tacit competition". The cerebral narcissist aspires to perfection. Thus, even the slightest and most inconsequential challenge to his authority is inflated by him. Hence, the disproportionateness of his reactions. When confronting adversity fails, some narcissists resort to denial, which they apply to their "extensions" (family, business, workplace, friends) as well. Take, for example, the narcissist’s family. Narcissists often instruct, order, or threaten their children into hiding the truth of abuse, malfunction, maladaptation, fear, pervasive sadness, violence, mutual hatred and mutual repulsion which are the hallmarks of the narcissistic family. "Not to wash the family's dirty linen in public" is a common exhortation. The whole family conforms to the fantastic, grandiose, perfect and superior narrative invented by the narcissist. The family becomes an extension of the False Self. This is an important function of these Sources of Secondary Narcissistic Supply. Criticising, disagreeing, or exposing these fiction and lies, penetrating the family's facade, are considered to be mortal sins. The sinner is immediately subjected to severe and constant emotional harassment, guilt and blame, and to abuse, including physical abuse. This state of things is especially typical of families with sexual abuse. Behaviour modification techniques are liberally used by the narcissist to ensure that the skeletons do stay in the family cupboards. An unexpected by-product of this atmosphere of concealment and falsity is mutiny. The narcissist's spouse or his adolescent children are likely to exploit the narcissist's vulnerabilities - his proneness to secrecy, self-delusion, and aversion to the truth - to rebel against him. The first thing to crumble in the narcissist's family is this shared psychosis - the mass denial and the secretiveness so diligently cultivated by him. Note - Narcissistic Rage Narcissists can be imperturbable, resilient to stress, and sangfroid. Narcissistic rage is not a reaction to stress - it is a reaction to a perceived slight, insult, criticism, or disagreement. Narcissistic rage is a reaction to narcissistic injury. Rage has many forms, though: I. Explosive - The narcissist erupts, attacks everyone in his immediate vicinity, causes damage to objects or people, and is invariably verbally and psychologically abusive. II. Pernicious - the narcissist sulks, gives the silent treatment, and is plotting how to punish the transgressor and put her in her proper place. These narcissists are vindictive and often become stalkers. hey harass and haunt the objects of their frustration. Also Read Ideas of Reference Violent Narcissists Vindictive Narcissists The Adrenaline Junkie Coping with Your Stalker The Cult of the Narcissist The Narcissist's Reality Substitutes The Narcissist's Confabulated Life Hope you found our exchange useful. I wish you and yours Happy Holidays! Sam |
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