Good Morning.  I'm in a separation at this time with my N/P.  He and I have no

biological children together.  I have been married for 6 yrs. I have been separated

for almost l yr.

 

This past summer the State of Me.(child protective agency) came into my home

and told me that there were allegations against the N/P of sexually and physical

assault on his step-daughter from l0 yrs. ago when she was 8 yrs. old.  They

wouldn't tell me who called in the allegations.  They said that because I am

still married to him and that one of my children is a minor that I was being

told this.  You can believe my shock about this.  The N/P claims that his ex-

wife put the child up to it.

 

My question is:  I go to court next week: the N/P has hired a lawyer to prove

his innocence.  I have motioned the State to review the paperwork fr Human

Services concerning him about the allegations.  Should I go to metiation with

the N/P?  From what I read this is a hopeless cause.  Should I listen to him

say that he didn't do it.  From what I read in these web sites counseling will

not help an abuser/someone who terriorized women & children, and whom I

consider to be a serial bully.  I am the 3rd wife, l3 children (total) have been

affected by him & his behaviors.  He was diagnosed with Borderline Personality

Disorder & Biopolar Disorder previously.  I heard the recovery from these

illnesses are rare (especially the Borderline, there is no magic pill for this) am I

right?

 

Thanks mary w.

Hi, Mary,

 

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Bipolar Disorder are not the same as Narcissistic or Antisocial Personality Disorders (NPD or AsPD/APD).

 

It is true that they are often co-morbid (diagnosed in the same person) - but not always:

 

 

Why do you refer to him as N/P if he was not diagnosed as such (just curious)?

 

I am asking because NPD's are hopeless cases:

 

 

Regarding your question:

Can abusers be "reconditioned"? Can they be "educated" or "persuaded" not to abuse?

As I wrote elsewhere, "abuse is a multifaceted phenomenon. It is a poisonous cocktail of control-freakery, conforming to social and cultural norms, and latent sadism. The abuser seeks to subjugate his victims and "look good" or "save face" in front of family and peers. Many abusers also enjoy inflicting pain on helpless victims."

Tackling each of these three elements separately and in conjunction sometimes serves to ameliorate abusive behavior.

The abuser's need to control his environment is compulsive and motivated by fear of inevitable and painful loss. It has, therefore, emotional roots. The abuser's past experiences - especially in early childhood and adolescence - taught him to expect injurious relationships, arbitrary or capricious treatment, sadistic interactions, unpredictable or inconsistent behaviors, and their culmination - indifferent and sudden abandonment.

About half of all abusers are products of abuse - they have either endured or witnessed it. As there are many forms of past mistreatment - there are a myriad shades of prospective abuse. Some abusers have been treated by primary objects (parents or caregivers) as instruments of gratification, objects, or mere extensions. They were loved on condition that they satisfied the wishes, dreams, and (often unrealistic) expectations of the parent. Others were smothered and doted upon, crushed under overweening, spoiling, or overbearing caregivers. Yet others were cruelly beaten, sexually molested, or constantly and publicly humiliated.

Such emotional wounds are not uncommon in therapeutic settings. They can be - and are - effectively treated, though the process is sometimes long and arduous, hampered by the abuser's resistance to authority and narcissism.

Some offenders abuse so as to conform to the norms of their society and culture and, thus, be "accepted" by peers and family. It is easier and more palatable to abuse one's spouse and children in a patriarchal and misogynist society - than in a liberal and egalitarian one. That these factors are overwhelmingly important is evidenced by the precipitous decline in intimate partner violence in the United States in the last two decades. As higher education and mass communications became widespread, liberal and feminist strictures permeated all spheres of life. It was no longer "cool" to batter one's mate.

Some scholars say that the amount of abuse remained constant and that the shift was merely from violent to to non-violent (verbal, emotional, and ambient) forms of mistreatment. But this is not supported by the evidence.

Any attempt to recondition the abuser and alter the abusive relationship entails a change of social and cultural milieu. Simple steps like relocating to a different neighborhood, surrounded by a different ethnic group, acquiring a higher education, and enhancing the family's income - often do more to reduce abuse than years of therapy.

The really intractable abuser is the sadist, who derives pleasure from other people's fears, consternation, pain, and suffering. Barring the administering of numbing medication, little can be done to counter this powerful inducement to hurt others deliberately. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapies and Transactional treatment modalities have been known to help. Even sadists are amenable to reason and self-interest. The pending risk of punishment and the fruits of well-observed contracts with evaluators, therapists, and family - sometimes do the job.

More about what the victims can do to cope with their abusers - here, here, and here.

But how to get your abuser to see reason in the first place? How to obtain for him the help he needs - without involving law enforcement agencies, the authorities, or the courts? Any attempt to broach the subject of the abuser's mental problems frequently ends in harangues and worse. It is positively dangerous to mention the abuser's shortcomings or imperfections to his face.

Hence the complexity of trying to prevent or control the abuser's behavior. His family, friends, peers, co-workers, and neighbors - normally, levers of social control and behavior modification - condone his misbehavior. The abuser seeks to conform to norms and standards prevalent in his milieu, even if only implicitly. He regards himself as normal, definitely not in need of therapeutic intervention.

Thus, the complaints of a victim are likely to be met with hostility and suspicion by the offender's parents or siblings, for instance. Instead of reining in the abusive conduct, they are likely to pathologize the victim ("she is a nutcase") or label her ("she is a whore or a bitch").

Nor is the victim of abuse likely to fare better in the hands of law enforcement agencies, the courts, counselors, therapists, and guardians ad litem. The propensity of these institutions is to assume that the abused has a hidden agenda - to abscond with her husband's property, or to deny him custody or visitation rights. Read more about it here.

Abuse remains, therefore, the private preserve of the predator and his prey. It is up to them to write their own rules and to implement them. No outside intervention is forthcoming or effective. Indeed, the delineation of boundaries and reaching an agreement on co-existence are the first important steps towards minimizing abuse in your relationships. Such a compact must include a provision obliging your abuser to seek professional help for his mental health problems.

Personal boundaries are not negotiable, neither can they be determined from the outside. Your abusive bully should have no say in setting them or in upholding them. Only you decide when they have been breached, what constitutes a transgression, what is excusable and what not.

The abuser is constantly on the lookout for a weakening of your resolve. He is repeatedly testing your mettle and resilience. He pounces on any and every vulnerability, uncertainty, or hesitation. Don't give him these chances. Be decisive and know yourself: what do you really feel? What are your wishes and desires in the short and longer terms? What price are you willing to pay and what sacrifices are you ready to make in order to be you? What behaviors will you accept and where does your red line run?

Verbalize your emotions, needs, preferences, and choices without aggression but with assertiveness and determination. Some abusers - the narcissistic ones - are detached from reality. They avoid it actively and live in fantasies of everlasting and unconditional love. They refuse to accept the inevitable consequences of their own actions. It is up to you to correct these cognitive and emotional deficits. You may encounter opposition - even violence - but, in the long-run, facing reality pays.

Play it fair. Make a list - if need be, in writing - of do's and don'ts. Create a "tariff" of sanctions and rewards. Let him know what actions of his - or inaction on his part - will trigger a dissolution of the relationship. Be unambiguous and unequivocal about it. And mean what you say. Again, showing up for counseling must be a cardinal condition.

Yet, even these simple, non-threatening initial steps are likely to provoke your abusive partner. Abusers are narcissistic and possessed of alloplastic defenses. More simply put, they feel superior, entitled, above any law and agreement, and innocent. Others - usually the victims - are to blame for the abusive conduct ("see what you made me do?").

How can one negotiate with such a person without incurring his wrath? What is the meaning of contracts "signed" with bullies? How can one motivate the abuser to keep his end of the bargain - for instance, to actually seek therapy and attend the sessions? And how efficacious is psychotherapy or counseling to start with?

It is useless to confront the abuser head on and to engage in power politics ("You are guilty or wrong, I am the victim and right", "My will should prevail", and so on). It is decidedly counterproductive and unhelpful and could lead to rage attacks and a deepening of the abuser's persecutory delusions, bred by his humiliation in the therapeutic setting. Better, at first, to co-opt the abuser's own prejudices and pathology by catering to his infantile emotional needs and complying with his wishes, complex rules and arbitrary rituals.

Here a practical guide how to drag your abuser into treatment and into a contract of mutual respect and cessation of hostilities (assuming, of course, you want to preserve the relationship):

1. Tell him that you love him and emphasize the exclusivity of your relationship by refraining, initially and during the therapy, from anxiety-provoking acts. Limiting your autonomy is a temporary sacrifice - under no circumstances make it a permanent feature of your relationship. Demonstrate to the abuser that his distrust of you is misplaced and undeserved and that one of the aims of the treatment regimen is to teach him to control and reduce his pathological and delusional jealousy.

2. Define areas of your common life that the abuser can safely - and without infringing on your independence - utterly control. Abusers need to feel that they are in charge, sole decision-makers and arbiters.

3. Ask him to define - preferably in writing - what he expects from you and where he thinks that you, or your "performance" are "deficient". Try to accommodate his reasonable demands and ignore the rest. Do not, at this stage, present a counter-list. This will come later. To move him to attend couple or marital therapy, tell him that you need his help to restore your relationship to its former warmth and intimacy. Admit to faults of your own which you want "fixed" so as to be a better mate. Appeal to his narcissism and self-image as the omnipotent and omniscient macho. Humour him for a while.

4. Involve your abuser, as much as you can, in your life. Take him to meet your family, ask him to join in with your friends, to visit your workplace, to help maintain your car (a symbol of your independence), to advise you on money matters and career steps. Do not hand over control to him over any of these areas - but get him to feel a part of your life and try to mitigate his envy and insecurity.

5. Encourage him to assume responsibility for the positive things in his life and in your relationship. Compliment the beneficial outcomes of his skills, talents, hard work, and attitude. Gradually, he will let go of his alloplastic defences - his tendency to blame every mistake of his, every failure, or mishap on others, or on the world at large.

6. Make him own up to his feelings by identifying them. Most abusers are divorced from their emotions. They seek to explain their inner turmoil by resorting to outside agents ("look what you made me do" or "they provoked me"). They are unaware of their anger, envy, or aggression. Mirror your abuser gently and unobtrusively ("how do you feel about it?", "when I am angry I act the same", "would you be happier if I didn't do it?").

7. Avoid the appearance - or the practice - of manipulating your abuser (except if you want to get rid of him). Abusers are very sensitive to control issues and they feel threatened, exploited, and ill-treated when manipulated. They invariably react with violence.

8. Treat your abuser as you would like him to behave towards you. Personal example is a powerful proselytizer. Don't act out of fear or subservience. Be sincere. Act out of love and conviction. Finally, your conduct is bound to infiltrate the abuser's defenses.

9. React forcefully, unambiguously, and instantly to any use of force. Make clear where the boundary of civilized exchange lies. Punish him severely and mercilessly if he crosses it. Make known well in advance the rules of your relationship - rewards and sanctions included. Discipline him for verbal and emotional abuse as well - though less strenuously. Create a hierarchy of transgressions and a penal code to go with it.

Read these for further guidance:

Coping with Your Abuser

How to Cope with Your Abuser

10. As the therapy continues and progress is evident, try to fray the rigid edges of your sex roles. Most abusers are very much into "me Tarzan, you Jane" gender-casting. Show him his feminine sides and make him proud of them. Gradually introduce him to your masculine traits, or skills - and make him proud of you.

This, essentially, is what good therapists do in trying to roll back or limit the offender's pathology.

From "Treatment Modalities and Therapies":

"Most therapists try to co-opt the narcissistic abuser's inflated ego (False Self) and defences. They compliment the narcissist, challenging him to prove his omnipotence by overcoming his disorder. They appeal to his quest for perfection, brilliance, and eternal love - and his paranoid tendencies - in an attempt to get rid of counterproductive, self-defeating, and dysfunctional behaviour patterns.

By stroking the narcissist's grandiosity, they hope to modify or counter cognitive deficits, thinking errors, and the narcissist's victim-stance. They contract with the narcissist to alter his conduct. Some even go to the extent of medicalizing the disorder, attributing it to a hereditary or biochemical origin and thus "absolving" the narcissist from guilt and responsibility and freeing his mental resources to concentrate on the therapy."

But is therapy worth the effort? What is the success rate of various treatment modalities in modifying the abuser's conduct, let alone in "healing" or "curing" him?

Is psychotherapy the panacea it is often made out to be - or a nostrum, as many victims of abuse claim? And why is it applied only after the fact - and not as a preventive measure?

(continued)

(continued from previous reply)

 

Courts regularly send offenders to be treated as a condition for reducing their sentences. Yet, most of the programs are laughably short (between 6 to 32 weeks) and involve group therapy - which is useless with abusers who are also narcissists or psychopaths.

Rather than cure him, such workshops seek to "educate" and "reform" the culprit, often by introducing him to the victim's point of view. This is supposed to inculcate in the offender empathy and to rid the habitual batterer of the residues of patriarchal prejudice and control freakery. Abusers are encouraged to examine gender roles in modern society and, by implication, ask themselves if battering one's spouse was proof of virility.

Anger management - made famous by the eponymous film - is a relatively late newcomer, though currently it is all the rage. Offenders are taught to identify the hidden - and real - causes of their rage and learn techniques to control or channel it.

But batters are not a homogeneous lot. Sending all of them to the same type of treatment is bound to end up in recidivism. Neither are judges qualified to decide whether a specific abuser requires treatment or can benefit from it. The variety is so great that it is safe to say that - although they share the same misbehavior patterns - no two abusers are alike.

In their article, "A Comparison of Impulsive and Instrumental Subgroups of Batterers", Roger Tweed and Donald Dutton of the Department of Psychology of the University of British Columbia, rely on the current typology of offenders which classifies them as:

"... Overcontrolled-dependent, impulsive-borderline (also called "dysphoric-borderline" - SV) and instrumental-antisocial. The overcontrolled-dependent differ qualitatively from the other two expressive or "undercontrolled" groups in that their violence is, by definition, less frequent and they exhibit less florid psychopathology. (Holtzworth-Munroe & Stuart 1994, Hamberger & hastings 1985) ...  Hamberger & Hastings (1985,1986) factor analyzed the Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory for batterers, yielding three factors which they labeled "schizoid/borderline" (cf. Impulsive), "narcissistic/antisocial" (instrumental), and "passive/dependent/compulsive" (overcontrolled).. Men, high only on the impulsive Factor, were described as withdrawn, asocial, moody, hypersensitive to perceived slights, volatile and over-reactive, calm and controlled one moment and extremely angry and oppressive the next - a type of "Jekyll and Hyde" personality. The associated DSM-III diagnosis was Borderline Personality. Men high only on the instrumental factor exhibited narcissistic entitlement and psychopathic manipulativeness. Hesitation by others to respond to their demands produced threats and aggression ..."

But there are other, equally enlightening, typologies (mentioned by the authors). Saunders suggested 13 dimensions of abuser psychology, clustered in three behavior patterns: Family Only, Emotionally Volatile, and Generally Violent. Consider these disparities: one quarter of his sample - those victimized in childhood - showed no signs of depression or anger! At the other end of the spectrum, one of every six abusers was violent only in the confines of the family and suffered from high levels of dysphoria and rage.

Impulsive batterers abuse only their family members. Their favorite forms of mistreatment are sexual and psychological. They are dysphoric, emotionally labile, asocial, and, usually, substance abusers. Instrumental abusers are violent both at home and outside it - but only when they want to get something done. They are goal-orientated, avoid intimacy, and treat people as objects or instruments of gratification.

Still, as Dutton pointed out in a series of acclaimed studies, the "abusive personality" is characterized by a low level of organization, abandonment anxiety (even when it is denied by the abuser), elevated levels of anger, and trauma symptoms.

It is clear that each abuser requires individual psychotherapy, tailored to his specific needs - on top of the usual group therapy and marital (or couple) therapy. At the very least, every offender should be required to undergo these tests to provide a complete picture of his personality and the roots of his unbridled aggression:

1. The Relationship Styles Questionnaire (RSQ)

2. Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory-III (MCMI-III)

3. Conflict Tactics Scale (CTS)

4. Multidimensional Anger Inventory (MAI)

5. Borderline Personality Organization Scale (BPO)

6. The Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI)

It is clear that each abuser requires individual psychotherapy, tailored to his specific needs - on top of the usual group therapy and marital (or couple) therapy. At the very least, every offender should be required to undergo the following tests to provide a complete picture of his personality and the roots of his unbridled aggression.

In the court-mandated evaluation phase, you should insist to first find out whether your abuser suffers from mental health disorders. These may well be the - sometimes treatable - roots of his abusive conduct. A qualified mental health diagnostician can determine whether someone suffers from a personality disorder only following lengthy tests and personal interviews.

The predictive power of these tests - often based on literature and scales of traits constructed by scholars - has been hotly disputed. Still, they are far preferable to subjective impressions of the diagnostician which are often amenable to manipulation.

By far the most authoritative and widely used instrument is the Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory-III (MCMI-III) - a potent test for personality disorders and attendant anxiety and depression. The third edition was formulated in 1996 by Theodore Millon and Roger Davis and includes 175 items. As many abusers show narcissistic traits, it is advisable to universally administer to them the Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI) as well.

Many abusers have a borderline (primitive) organization of personality. It is, therefore, diagnostically helpful to subject them to the Borderline Personality Organization Scale (BPO). Designed in 1985, it sorts the responses of respondents into 30 relevant scales. It indicates the existence of identity diffusion, primitive defenses, and deficient reality testing.

To these one may add the Personality Diagnostic Questionnaire-IV, the Coolidge Axis II Inventory, the Personality Assessment Inventory (1992), the excellent, literature-based, Dimensional assessment of Personality Pathology, and the comprehensive Schedule of Nonadaptive and Adaptive Personality and Wisconsin Personality Disorders Inventory.

Having established whether your abuser suffers from a personality impairment, it is mandatory to understand the way he functions in relationships, copes with intimacy, and responds with abuse to triggers.

The Relationship Styles Questionnaire (RSQ) (1994) contains 30 self-reported items and identifies distinct attachment styles (secure, fearful, preoccupied, and dismissing). The Conflict Tactics Scale (CTS) (1979) is a standardized scale of the frequency and intensity of conflict resolution tactics - especially abusive stratagems - used by members of a dyad (couple).

The Multidimensional Anger Inventory (MAI) (1986) assesses the frequency of angry responses, their duration, magnitude, mode of expression, hostile outlook, and anger-provoking triggers.

Yet, even a complete battery of tests, administered by experienced professionals sometimes fails to identify abusers and their personality disorders. Offenders are uncanny in their ability to deceive their evaluators.

They often succeed in transforming therapists and diagnosticians into four types of collaborators: the adulators, the blissfully ignorant, the self-deceiving and those deceived by the batterer's conduct or statements.

Abusers co-opt mental health and social welfare workers and compromise them - even when the diagnosis is unequivocal - by flattering them, by emphasizing common traits or a common background, by forming a joint front against the victim of abuse ("shared psychosis"), or by emotionally bribing them. Abusers are master manipulators and exploit the vulnerabilities, traumas, prejudices, and fears of the practitioners to "convert" them to the offender's cause.

I. The Adulators

The adulators are fully aware of the nefarious and damaging aspects of the abuser's behavior but believe that they are more than balanced by his positive traits. In a curious inversion of judgment, they cast the perpetrator as the victim of a smear campaign orchestrated by the abused or attribute the offender's predicament to bigotry.

They mobilize to help the abuser, promote his agenda, shield him from harm, connect him with like-minded people, do his chores for him and, in general, create the conditions and the environment for his ultimate success.

II. The Ignorant

As I wrote in "The Guilt of the Abused", it is telling that precious few psychology and psychopathology textbooks dedicate an entire chapter to abuse and violence. Even the most egregious manifestations �?/SPAN> such as child sexual abuse �?/SPAN> merit a fleeting mention, usually as a sub-chapter in a larger section dedicated to paraphilias or personality disorders.

Abusive behavior did not make it into the diagnostic criteria of mental health disorders, nor were its psychodynamic, cultural and social roots explored in depth. As a result of this deficient education and lacking awareness, most law enforcement officers, judges, counselors, guardians, and mediators are worryingly ignorant about the phenomenon.

Only 4% of hospital emergency room admissions of women in the United States are attributed by staff to domestic violence. The true figure, according to the FBI, is more like 50%. One in three murdered women was done in by her spouse, current or former.

The blissfully ignorant mental health professionals are simply unaware of the "bad sides" of the abuser- and make sure they remain oblivious to them. They look the other way, or pretend that the abuser's behavior is normative, or turn a blind eye to his egregious conduct.

Even therapists sometimes deny a painful reality that contravenes their bias. Some of them maintain a generally rosy outlook premised on the alleged inbred benevolence of Mankind. Others simply cannot tolerate dissonance and discord. They prefer to live in a fantastic world where everything is harmonious and smooth and evil is banished. They react with discomfort or even rage to any information to the contrary and block it out instantly.

Once they form an opinion that the accusations against the abusers are overblown, malicious, and false - it becomes immutable. "I have made up my mind - they seem to be broadcasting - "Now don't confuse me with the facts."

III. The Self-Deceivers

The self-deceivers are fully aware of the abuser's transgressions and malice, his indifference, exploitativeness, lack of empathy, and rampant grandiosity - but they prefer to displace the causes, or the effects of such misconduct. They attribute it to externalities ("a rough patch"), or judge it to be temporary. They even go as far as accusing the victim for the offender's lapses, or for defending herself ("she provoked him").

In a feat of cognitive dissonance, they deny any connection between the acts of the abuser and their consequences ("his wife abandoned him because she was promiscuous, not because of anything he did to her"). They are swayed by the batterer's undeniable charm, intelligence, or attractiveness. But the abuser needs not invest resources in converting them to his cause - he does not deceive them. They are self-propelled.

IV. The Deceived

The deceived are deliberately taken for a premeditated ride by the abuser. He feeds them false information, manipulates their judgment, proffers plausible scenarios to account for his indiscretions, soils the opposition, charms them, appeals to their reason, or to their emotions, and promises the moon.

Again, the abuser's incontrovertible powers of persuasion and his impressive personality play a part in this predatory ritual. The deceived are especially hard to deprogram. They are often themselves encumbered with the abuser's traits and find it impossible to admit a mistake, or to atone.

From "The Guilt of the Abused":

"Therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges are human. Some of them are social reactionaries, others are abusers, and a few are themselves spouse abusers. Many things work against the victim facing the justice system and the psychological profession.

Start with denial. Abuse is such a horrid phenomenon that society and its delegates often choose to ignore it or to convert it into a more benign manifestation, typically by pathologizing the situation or the victim �?/SPAN> rather than the perpetrator.

A man's home is still his castle and the authorities are loath to intrude.

Most abusers are men and most victims are women. Even the most advanced communities in the world are largely patriarchal. Misogynistic gender stereotypes, superstitions, and prejudices are strong.

Therapists are not immune to these ubiquitous and age-old influences and biases.

They are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor. The therapist rarely has a chance to witness an abusive exchange first hand and at close quarters. In contrast, the abused are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.

Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties �?/SPAN> it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem.

The profession's propensity to pathologize extends to the wrongdoers as well. Alas, few therapists are equipped to do proper clinical work, including diagnosis.

Abusers are thought by practitioners of psychology to be emotionally disturbed, the twisted outcomes of a history of familial violence and childhood traumas. They are typically diagnosed as suffering from a personality disorder, an inordinately low self-esteem, or codependence coupled with an all-devouring fear of abandonment. Consummate abusers use the right vocabulary and feign the appropriate "emotions" and affect and, thus, sway the evaluator's judgment.

But while the victim's "pathology" works against her �?/SPAN> especially in custody battles �?/SPAN> the culprit's "illness" works for him, as a mitigating circumstance, especially in criminal proceedings. 

In his seminal essay, "Understanding the Batterer in Visitation and Custody Disputes", Lundy Bancroft sums up the asymmetry in favor of the offender:

"Batterers ...  adopt the role of a hurt, sensitive man who doesn't understand how things got so bad and just wants to work it all out 'for the good of the children.' He may cry ... and use language that demonstrates considerable insight into his own feelings. He is likely to be skilled at explaining how other people have turned the victim against him, and how she is denying him access to the children as a form of revenge ... He commonly accuses her of having mental health problems, and may state that her family and friends agree with him ...  that she is hysterical and that she is promiscuous. The abuser tends to be comfortable lying, having years of practice, and so can sound believable when making baseless statements. The abuser benefits ... when professionals believe that they can "just tell" who is lying and who is telling the truth, and so fail to adequately investigate.

Because of the effects of trauma, the victim of battering will often seem hostile, disjointed, and agitated, while the abuser appears friendly, articulate, and calm. Evaluators are thus tempted to conclude that the victim is the source of the problems in the relationship."

There is little the victim can do to "educate" the therapist or "prove" to him who is the guilty party. Mental health professionals are as ego-centered as the next person. They are emotionally invested in opinions they form or in their interpretation of the abusive relationship. They perceive every disagreement as a challenge to their authority and are likely to pathologize such behavior, labeling it "resistance" (or worse).

In the process of mediation, marital therapy, or evaluation, counselors frequently propose various techniques to ameliorate the abuse or bring it under control. Woe betides the party that dares object or turn these "recommendations" down. Thus, an abuse victim who declines to have any further contact with her batterer �?/SPAN> is bound to be chastised by her therapist for obstinately refusing to constructively communicate with her violent spouse.

Better to play ball and adopt the sleek mannerisms of your abuser. Sadly, sometimes the only way to convince your therapist that it is not all in your head and that you are a victim �?/SPAN> is by being insincere and by staging a well-calibrated performance, replete with the correct vocabulary. Therapists have Pavlovian reactions to certain phrases and theories and to certain "presenting signs and symptoms" (behaviors during the first few sessions). Learn these �?/SPAN> and use them to your advantage. It is your only chance."

Hope this helps!

Sam

Sam said "Therapists have Pavlovian reactions to certain phrases and theories and to certain "presenting signs and symptoms" (behaviors during the first few sessions). Learn these �?/SPAN> and use them to your advantage. It is your only chance."

Where would I go look for these....

Thank you so much Dr. Sam V. for your input.  I read all the material.

 

I will be going to court on next Wednesday, here in my home town.  His lawyer,

and the Dept. of Human Services will appear in the courtroom.  Hopefully, I will

get to review the file about the allegations of child sexual abuse concerning my

husband.  I do not know if they will let me see the file yet.

 

Anway, my question today is:  last evening my husband's so called best friend

talked to me on the phone and told me several things.  First, that all things are

my fault, i wasn't a good wife, i abandoned my husband, ect. ect.

 

I didn't believe that i would get a smear campaign concerning the separation,

but now I have heard  that I am the evil one.

 

Will there be a smear campaign in court?  I was going to appear by myself

in the courtroom, is this a good idea?  I need to know.

 

Previously, when I went into court, i had a lawyer with me from the domestic

violence program.  Thank you

 

Sam said "Therapists have Pavlovian reactions to certain phrases and theories and to certain "presenting signs and symptoms" (behaviors during the first few sessions). Learn these �?/SPAN> and use them to your advantage. It is your only chance."

Where would I go look for these....

 

GOOD LUCK Liberty! Also, I'm no expert, but it seems that a domestic violence lawyer/lawyer in general would be an essential support since you be thrown a curve ball or two and may be taken off guard and unable to react appropriately quickly enough as is the case many times when we're so close to the issues at hand. Just MHO.

 

Thanks Dr V. and Tammy for this enlightening forum!

 

Best Regards,

Brooke

Here is my question for Thursday, January l5th. for Dr. Vankin:

 

After receiving all your information I should not diagnosis my husband with

N/ disorder.  He hasn't been properly diagnosed.

 

He has been diagnosed with Bio-polar/Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

Will /or can the court system have him be diagnosed and seen by a Doctor?

 

 

Post for Dr. Vaknin (mail transmission difficulties)

 

I don't know what's going on with MSN but many of my responses - sent by email - simply vanished and didn't make it to the thread...:o((

</XBODY>

 

Dear Liberty Bell,

 

This is a question you should refer to your divorce attorney. Faced with a critical mass of facts - for instance, past diagnoses - courts usually require a psychological evaluation. But there are many other factors involved, including the personality of the judge and your husbands ability to ppear convincing.

 

It is NOT a good idea to represent yourself in court and, yes, expect a full-scale smear campaign.

 

I wish you loads of luck!

 

Sam

 

One of the vanished posts follows:

 

Hi, guys,

Thanks for all your input this week Dr. Vanknin and others.

 

Today's question:  Friday:  I have had a restraining order on

my husband for the past 5 months.  I do so want to take the

restraining order off and I struggle with this everyday.

 

My twelve-step sponsor says not to do anything until I go to

court next Wednesday.  I still think that I can fix the situation

and my husband.  I want to believe that he will get better, and

that he is working on himself.

 

 

I get mixed messages because AA tells us that we can get better

but mental health issues, including biopolar, and then again

abuse are totally different issues.  I go back and forth

 

with the denial wanting it to be the same way as it was in the

 

very beginning of the relatinship.  Why is it that I still struggle

after what I've & my kids been through, and why do I still

want to be married to him. (I know:  the Stockholm Syndrome)

but i still struggle and I wanted this marriage to work so much,

I was loyal, true, trusting, (my part:  I took him back time after time even

though he was abusive to me and children) it was he and is he that is in

denial with his abusive ways.  When will I get the message?

that I can't fix anyone, or is it my job to do so, that is up to my higher

power (which I chose to call, God).

 

                                

Hi. Dr. Vaknin is having problems signing in and I am posting this on his behalf.

 

</XBODY>

Femfree - unable to log into MSN (sigh).

 

Can you forward my messages, please?

 

Dear Liberty Bell,

 

You have waited 5 months - wait another 5 days.

 

You may wish to read these:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These quotes may be particularly relevant:

 

"I often come across sad examples of the powers of self-delusion that the narcissist provokes in his victims. It is what I call "malignant optimism". People refuse to believe that some questions are unsolvable, some diseases incurable, some disasters inevitable. They see a sign of hope in every fluctuation. They read meaning and patterns into every random occurrence, utterance, or slip. They are deceived by their own pressing need to believe in the ultimate victory of good over evil, health over sickness, order over disorder. Life appears otherwise so meaningless, so unjust and so arbitrary...

So, they impose upon it a design, progress, aims, and paths. This is magical thinking.

"If only he tried hard enough", "If he only really wanted to heal", "If only we found the right therapy", "If only his defences were down", "There MUST be something good and worthy under the hideous facade", "NO ONE can be that evil and destructive", "He must have meant it differently" "God, or a higher being, or the spirit, or the soul is the solution and the answer to our prayers".

The Pollyanna defences of the abused against the emerging and horrible understanding that humans are specks of dust in a totally indifferent universe, the playthings of evil and sadistic forces, of which the narcissist is one. And that finally their pain means nothing to anyone but themselves. Nothing whatsoever. It has all been in vain.

The narcissist holds such thinking in barely undisguised contempt. To him, it is a sign of weakness, the scent of prey, a gaping vulnerability. He uses and abuses this human need for order, good, and meaning - as he uses and abuses all other human needs. Gullibility, selective blindness, malignant optimism - these are the weapons of the beast. And the abused are hard at work to provide it with its arsenal."

Good luck to you!

 

Sam