What helped me to keep NC?
I remember when I was always cheching on N, checking on his friends too, checking on everyone he contacted and everything he did. It was an attempt to control on my part. I always wanted to be three steps ahead of him all the time. I was trying to control an abusive man.
It is the Nness that brought this need for control out in me. It is a form of self defense. I was married for many years to a "normal" man and I never checked his email, even though we had a common password. I never checked his phone messages even though I paid the phone bills. I never checked who he went with or where in all the years we were together. He had character and his word could be trusted.
In contrast, N was easily influenced by his friends, he would act responsibly with responsible people and immorally with immoral people. I was always trying to keep him with the "right" crowd as if I was his mother. I felt that if I did not influence N, someone else would. :Looking after him, trying to control him, etc kept me very busy and focused on him.
Finally, I just had enough, I needed to start thinking about myself. My world became very quiet when I started practising NC. I got both bored and lonely. I realized that the problem wasn't N, it was me. I was the one who was bored and lonely. There are 6 billion people on this earth besides N and I chose him as the one and only way to escape my loneliness.
I joined clubs, but at first I did not want to go. I bought games but I did not want to play them. I paid for tennis lessons, dancing, gym but I did not go. For a whole year I paid thousands of dollars to do things and I never did any of them. I felt unmotivated and depressed. Then I realized that it was my thinking that made me feel that way. I visualized having fun doing these things and I went to one thing I planned. It turned out well. Then I tried just one more other thing. I liked that too. Then I gave myself small challenges such as to learn to scuba dive. I found the right teacher and the most amazing rivers to start diving in.
NC became easier as time went on, eventually I was doing so much fun things that I didn't have time to think about N. And I met some amazing people along the way too.
I think when you analyse what it is that you need, what did N give you that you valued and how can give it to yourself in another way apart from N, then NC makes it easier and easier to become your whole self again.
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