Hi Selly,

 

Yes I did exactly the same with my xN - I called, texted, e-mailed, wrote letters etc and there was no closure for me.  It went on for 4 months after he was arrested for domestic violence.  In all that time he just kept saying he needed more time and didn't know what he wanted (but saying he loved me and missed me).  I was devasted, couldn't understand why he didn't want to make it work, couldn't understand why he refused to go to counselling.  It was destroying me and I got very depressed. 

 

In the end he said to me 'no more contact' (after he had found someone else to date).  It was awful.  End of communication.  No explanation, no closure, no reasons.  Nothing. 

 

I think it's normal for an N.  I had outlived my purpose for him, he didn't want me reminding him of how awful his behavioour had been - he just wanted to move on to the next woman. 

 

So I know exactly how you feel - but yes it is totally what my x did and it hurt me.

He told you the right thing, Selly.  Don't contact him anymore. 

 

When he's tired of his new GF, though, he will probably contact you. 

 

Ignore him when he does. 

 

Selly, remember this: 

 

It makes no difference if he is an n or not . . .

 

It makes no difference if he was sexually abused, lost his mother at age 12, or whatever trauma that happened . . . 

 

If the man is a liar, and if you cannot trust him, you cannot have a healthy relationship with him. 

 

Everybody lies, I guess.  But there's a difference between spending $2 on a lottery ticket and failing to mention it, and telling a whopper -- specifically to hide a HUGE transgression (adultery, drug use, critical spending, etc.). 

 

If he's an n, or if he is not -- it makes no difference if he's a liar. 

 

And if you're looking for closure  -- ??WHY did this happen?? -- don't bother. 

 

It happened because he is selfish to the bone.  That is the long and short of it.  Selfish to the bone and unable to give. 

 

Now, how is anybody supposed to have a relationship with somebody like that? 

 

GN

I have one possible answer: When N is open with someone, it makes it more likely that she will be open right back at him, and then he has some lovely ammunition to store away and use for a future smear campaign. I never would have believed someone could do this to someone he "loved" and while he was married to her, but N's are that bad. And if he has years of experience perfecting a public mask, but you're new to his social group, guess who the mud will stick to?

I agree totally -- when the N is "open" with you, he is just trolling for the same type of openness from YOU so that he can learn where your "buttons" are and push them to his advantage later.  You cannot be sure that his "openness" isn't all lying, or at least substantial exaggeration on his part---I swore that the N in my life was telling me the whole truth about his horrid childhood and his traumatic marriage, until I met his mother and exW this year (at his daughter's wedding).  It was a shock to me to find out that neither was what he claimed they were, in the least. 

 

I will forever be wary of the man who rattles off such "intimacies" about his past right away, early in the relationship, and I will be (sadly) certain he is trying to get me to "share" mine, and thus use them against me.  Every intimate thing I ever told the N about myself has been used against me at some point to illustrate how deficient I am in one way or another.  I'd have never believed that confidences such as I thought I was "sharing" would be used in such a way.  I'm still pretty raw about it, in fact.  He is so hateful to have used me to his own advantage that way---then again, when I understand he is not really even human, while I will NEVER forgive him, I know he also will never change. 

Yes, the exNBAlco I was involved with for almost 4 years - told me often in the beginning that is was a good liar - it didn't seem to worry me at all - somehow I thought I knew him and could control him through my understanding. How stupid can you be?

I am over him - escaped 20 months ago and was in NC for almost 14 months until I ran into him at work - same facility. Didn't respond to any questions.

I am so grateful for these boards, therapy, groups - all helped me get through it and let it go....Peace,

Hi Selly,

 

As the other posters have said. listen to what he's said. Sometimes they warn us and we misinterpret it as someone who just needs help.

 

Not true with a n. They are rotten to the core.

 

Aphrodite really has it. Please listen to her advice. She really saved when I first came here.

 

NC is the only way. Give this guy what he wants. Be gone. Vanish like he did and you will start to see what a lie his life is and your relationship was.

 

It hurts but better to get on with your life sooner rather than later.

 

(((((xusana)))))

Hi - I'm new to this so please bear with me.

 

I have trawled until my fingers are bear to find out about this condition as I am currently in the throes of splitting with one (I think he's one) after 19 years.

Can I ask this question.
Why would aN N spit out a 'supplier' when they are still 'supplying'?

 

Thanks

I'm learning bit by bit

 

X

HY