Hi AB76,

 

I know this will sound strange, but CONGRATULATIONS! 

 

What you are feeling right now is so essential to your healing and recovery.  The rage you feel is part of extracting the N from you.  He's like poison in your system, and the rage helps get the poison out.

 

The anger can almost feel energizing and empowering.  So, if possible, try to physically purge your house of anything that reminds you of the N or sad times.  Toss it in the bin.  Once you see the garbage man taking it away, you will feel lighter.  It's cathartic.

 

I believe I turned that corner when I got to where you are right now.  Feel it as much as you can.  Someone suggested buying a bag of ice and smashing the ice against a brick wall.  Yell out loud if you need to.  Say all the things you need to say while smashing and purging.

 

You will not feel this way forever.  I promise you that.  But, you may feel what you are feeling for a while. 

 

Please be easy on yourself and speak to yourself with love.  You are looking back with the knowledge you have now.  You didn't have as much knowledge then as you do now.  You wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.  None of us are perfect, so you were being forgiving and accepting.  Please never beat up on yourself for these good human qualities.  The N's make us angry at ourselves as if ourselves betrayed us.  Remember, these N's habitually lie and deceive and manipulate on an hourly basis.  They are well skilled at it, and we are no match.

 

Now, we're wiser.

 

Take care AB!

Hi AB:

 

I agree with New Strength that you should feel GOOD about this anger!  I agree that it means you are turning a corner.  For so many of us (codependent or otherwise submissive and trying so damned hard to please our XNs) it is VERY hard to be angry and feel justified in it.  I know I spent so much of my time in the relationship being abused, but then feeling guilty if I got really angry with him.  "Women aren't supposed to have a temper/get angry," the world teaches us.  But there IS such a thing as righteous anger.  Even some strains of Buddhism preach that.  If someone is abusing us, we have a right to self-protect, and one of these ways is to expunge them, cut the cord, break the bond . . . through basically reversing love into hatred.  For a time.  I mean, holding onto anger & hatred for very long is not healthy for anyone, but I also think, with New Strength, that the anger will gradually dissipate, and lose force. 

 

I've only recently been able to be consistently angry myself about the ways the XN came in and trashed me and my life and my being.  Lied, led me on, made false promises he had no intention or ability to keep, manipulated me as if I were his plasticine toy and not a separate human being with my own dignity, abandoned me, cheated on me, etc etc etc.

 

One thing I have also done recently that seems to help, is I've given him nasty nicknames so that I no longer have to hear/think of his name in my head.  He is not "x" (who I thought he was): he IS, in fact, "scum," and practically a criminal (I often wonder at what point it will be in our society when we can press charges for psychological abuse the way one can for physical abuse).  Part of me really wishes I could take him to an "abuse" court, because he certainly hurt me as much as if I had actual welts on my body, and yet he will never go to prison as long as he keeps operating only in the emotional stealth mode.

 

Food for thought . . . . but be kind to yourself, and go easy :)

 

 

Dancing Tree - I don't know if you're based in the UK but you can actually take someone to court and sue them for damages under the Protection against Harassement Act.  We are currently considering doing this against my xN because he wont give me anything for my half of the house (which he is currently living in).  he wants me to sign over everything to him for nothing. 

 

So - there is a chance to really show these bastards up in court if you can be bothered with the stress and the expense (and also ready for their lies lies lies in court).  I know that my family are wanting to take this forward 100% because of the damage that they know he did to me in the 2 years we were together (emotions and physical).  So if you really do want to go to court there are ways in which you can.  THe other alternative is to sue and get damages from the Criminal Injuries thing.  You'd need to look it up. 

 

It's one area which I think is so neglected. there are so many women coming out of abusive relationships with absolutely no way of holding the perpetrators to account.  It's very frustrating that the person who has systematically destroyed you gets to walk away scott free.

 

Anyway - it's food for thought - I'll keep everyone updated on how I get on!

 

Chatty xxxx

ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY ME TOO ME TOO ME TOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I loved that man with all my heart and he manipulated me like a puppet.  We just broke up after the UMPTEENTH time (why am I so stupid) and what does he call me for? To tell me his son is in the hospital (teen) for the second time this week because he is associating with friends who have fast cars....accidents accidents accidentS.  Anyway, thank God his son is ok, but WHY CALL ME!? 

 

It's like you want to scream at them...." Don't you know I love your children but you have kicked me to the curb? WHY DO YOU CAUSE ME THE ANXIETY OF YOUR SON BEING HURT AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO? (All of his sons are developing their father's pathological traits in one way or another, how sad, and again, there's nothing I can do)

 

and....Don't you realize that I can't talk with you anymore?  Don't you have an inkling of how badly you used me, that I gave you my heart and you tore it out of my chest and stomped on it? You sucked the spirit out of me!  I backed you up 100% and now I am even more mentally ill! Thanks for the gift, because you made it 100% worse! But that's ok because I live in reality and see that I need help and I need to change.

 

I am also an alcoholic.....so my own problem is QUADRUPLED since you took my self-esteem, my piece of mind, my inner serenity and used it all as a blanket to cover yourself while I STOOD  OUT IN THE COLD knowing you'd come and gone through a thousand other women and I still took  you back hoping you'd love ME!

 

WHO is the BIGGER IDIOT?  ME!  But who is completely human?  ME!

 

He is sick.  At least I have identified my pathologies, he can't even identify with himself.  Oh, the pain of it all, you are so right.  The depression, the self-hatred....the going-back!   It's just like being an alcoholic, really.  Once you are with him, it's like you are repeating the same INSANITY over and over and getting the same AWFUL results. I woke up this morning and finally admitted what I am. An alcoholic.  At least I am not his wife, I am not with him, I have my life and I WILL KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

 

That last phone call kicked me right in the guts.  I would have loved to have been able to help raise his children, I wanted to be there for him, I almost gave everything up (so many times).  Now it's time to get rid of the hate, accept that I have made mistakes and NEVER LOOK BACK!

 

I need to be careful because anger and hatred make me cruel and selfish.  I blew it last night with a very nice man because of drinking.  I absolutely refuse to hate myself anymore.  I have to go and apologize to him today and break it off.  There's just too much healing for me to do and I don't want to make anyone unhappy.

 

Well chickie.......I'm angry too....but all that does is bring OTHER BAD EMOTIONS so love yourself and protect yourself cuz no one else will....until we both learn to love again and the right man claims us!

 

Love and Peace,

mbme

 

 

I feel that way yes. But  I just pray for that feeling to leave and for me to feel nothing. When anger sneaks up on me i find myself imagining that his body is a golf tee and his head is the golfballball. I often find myself swinging the golf club and saying 4!!!! and then watching his head fly away with that same look on it that provokes that feeling in the first place....

But eventually, I pray to be a better person, I talk to " god" as i see him - that what i ultimatly want is my own peace of mind and with that as my intention eventually the anger.... it passes

 

Best advice i can offer is feel it when it comes, dont fight it because its a part of healing, but also recognise that you dont want to feel that way because it makes you feel bad, and concentrate on how you really want to feel... indifferent. Ask your higher power for help. Im agnostic and Im taking the chance to trust it...seems to be working thus far . Have faith

I should mention that I noticed that when I was very, very angry...after my adrenaline rush from purging my house of him...I felt very very tired, depressed and negative.  My therapist said that is why we have to get through it because it hurts us.  Forgiveness is for us she said.

Hey I know the anger your feeling,  It goes away eventually, but it does take a long time to get over feeling like you were made such a fool of.

 

It has left me with very little trust in people and my capacity to see good in people has really diminished.  Maybe it is the healty way to be.

 

Good luck

Hi Angelica,

In my experience there has been nothing I've been able to do about my anger and hatred towards the N.  After time, it has just sort of weakened and I find myself thinking less and less about what I have been through because of him and concentrating more on my present situation and my future.  The pain, at least for me, still hasn't gone away even though its been about 3 years, but its weakened enough that I can be happy in my day to day life and take the pain for what it is, a constant reminder that there are evil people in the world.  Now I am prepared to deal with them and usher them swiftly out of my life, where they belong.  I guess the ultimate goal should be forgiveness and peaceful acceptance but I'm just not quite there yet.  Maybe in another 3 years or so... Anyway, I wish you nothing but happiness.

 

Ambar 

I just started back to the gym yesterday, and also am on antidepressants (Welbutrin) AND seeing a therapist who is having me do a journal - I have also lost a bunch of weight in the last 90 days from the stress of all this & feel better physically, so you'd think amongst all these things, I would have SOME endorphin activity to speak of, which might abate the anger - but really it hasn't happened.

 

I think I will be angry for a long time at this N.  I am not getting any younger and I wasted two & 1/2 years on him.  Except for finding out what his illness is, and how to deal with it in the long run (ignore, get away, and never speak to him again), I consider it such a ripoff of my time, energy & money, and when he drags me down further with his attention-seeking commentary, I just want to chew his face off.

I am such a non-violent person, this is strange for me to feel this way.  The friend in an earlier message who said she was furious at how her N ripped her heart out and trampled on it comes closest to how I feel right now - that 2nd D&D was like being kicked in the chest (heart, specifically but lungs too) by a horse, both back hooves. I feel as if I cannot even catch my breath.  The very sight of him makes me see red, and makes my heartbeat go into overdrive.  I work hard to avoid N, but we have about 30 days on the lease of the place and I haven't got infinite funds right now and cannot afford to pay for two places, even for Nov & Dec, until the lease runs out...this is an expensive community, too, where you have to have quite a downpayment to get into another lease, and I do have that saved.  I tell myself I can bear 30 days if I avoid him as much as humanly possible, but you KNOW how they try to insinuate themselves into your life any way they can.  This N's no different. 

 

I truly hope it doesn't take me years to get over the anger, but it may.  I don't blame myself any longer, now that I know what he is, and I AM wary of others now, too...I cannot make this mistake again.  Learning to trust again is so hard.  I just hope I am up to it.  Eventually.    

      

 

Then move on...

 

Your N is NOT WORTH your energy!

 

I know it is hard - but eventually - you will be like the rest of the healed group and you will