I had a kind of similar situation in that my xN wrote me what he termed a 'nice' letter ending the relationship. He said he needed life to get back to normal (this is for him not me - and actually meant he wanted to continue dating the OW behind my back).  But when I questioned him for how long he wanted us to take a break he said - I don't know - a month - two months.  This was after he had already dicked me around for 4 months.  And I can confidently say - in all that time we had ONE conversation about our relationship.  Not about his behaviour, and him getting arrested by the police, or apologies or anything else - just more vague promises about the future and how he was going to take me away on holiday yadda yadda yadda. 

 

So no - he is NEVER going to give you a straight answer about the future and trying again.  He doesn't feel he has to because it's all about him remember and not about your feelings at all.  He doesn't care.  End of. 

 

You know he's wrong - just get out of there before he really messes your head up.

 

K- in n speak, this translates as "I want to keep you dangling. I want you to hang on to me, I want you to entetain the fact that you will have me back."

What he is saying by his uninterested, and passive agressive approach towards you is this-

"Yes, I want you to come back to me, but I will only respond to you when I WANT TO, when I want the relationship (ie, when he is out of NS) and it will be on MY terms, not yours."

Your interest in him, your response to him, although, at the moment, may be a distraction for him, as he may well be on the pursuit of supply elsewhere, BUT- it is giving him NS, because it is 'insurance' that once the time comes around that he 'wants' you again- you will be 'primed' for him- meaning that he thinks you will have him back.

Just my opinion.

IMO-he was messing with your head and your emotions- it's so incredibly cruel.

 

When you describe how you were NOT happy with the n, but happy with him while you were in the relationship, and then, not when you were out- maybe he fulfilled something for you.

The n's are truly evil, evil creatures because they find our deepest wants, they find our deepest insecurities, and they exploit them by acknowledging them, and give us the comfort in 'soothing' or 'fulfilling' these things.

But it is never worth it. Because then comes the D&D's, the abuse, the ignoring- we are built up to be torn down again.

THAT is precisely why they are EVIL, and why being NC is the only way to escape their toxic, dangerous influence.

I think, what we do by coming out the other side, is learn to look at precisely WHAT the n exploited in the first place, because a lot of us will find it is actually one of our greatest weaknesses (ie, co-dependence, FOO). And we correct it.

IMO- we have all been the walking wounded. Alot of people, we think, never get to see those issues, because we have never really addressed them.

That is what the n does. This is his in.

Do you think this is the case with you?

the exNBAlco I knew for almost 4 years and escaped from almost 20 months ago-

said to me during a really bad fight - when I was finally realizing what he was and the unbelievable things he done right under my nose - cheating, lying and manipulating.

 

"can we get together after this all works itself out"

 

even though I was still in denial and under the influence - I screamed

 

"are you crazy - never".

 

Peace,

I wish we had ended things when he started D&Ding me - unfortunately, he is also a borderline personality as well as CN. So he deliberately lost his job, apartment and car so I would crumble. I did of course and I begged him not to go and of course he stayed to use me. He told me it would end badly and I was sick enough to think I could take it.

Go - let them go - NC is the only way.

Peace

Run for the hills!  Mine did this to me for 3 years while we were separated and he was with OW.  They would fight; he would ask me to dinner to try to see if we could work things out, then he would tear me apart at dinner. I ended up in tears each time and sometimes walked home.  He d&d'd her all the time too.  If my children hadn't been so young, I would've had no contact.  After a full year of excellent couples therapy, I took him back...10 years later we are divorcing.  He is a sick individual.  We had a therapist 14 years ago who told me to "leave; leave now".  I didn't understand what he was talking about.  I get it now!  He is dragging the divorce out; it is excruciating for all of us, but everything is on his terms, except I don't care about him one iota any more so it is becoming much easier on me.  It will be wonderful when he finally moves out.  He is now trying to control our daughter.  Told her he would support her for life if she majored in the area he would like her to pursue in college.  I asked her if she wanted to be beholden to him for the rest of her life?  He told a young man we know who is divorcing that "what happens it a court of law doesn't matter; what matters is the court of public opinion...it's all about PR".  Now isn't that an indication of a warped, manipulative mind?  Who cares if you win this battle with him...you will end up losing the war.  You need to make yourself completely immune to his maneuvers, and the only way to do that is to go NC.  Treat him like the insignificant bug that he is and brush him off...

Dear Kaleid,

 

I am here to tell you that there ARE bright, witty, romantic and put-together men out there--I've worked with a majority of men most of my life (in office management for construction and in retail management) and there have been several whom I have had crushes on or liked significantly (I try not to get involved with men I work with, and have been pretty successful), so I know they exist.  It may take a bit to find one, but I am determined to find one myself, one of these days.  The N I was involved with is also exactly like yours - bright, witty, funny, HUGELY charming, attractive, vibrant, sexy, etc.  I felt I'd never find anyone as perfect for me as he was.

 

Now he says that to me:  "You will never find anyone as perfect for you as I am!"  I know he is self-deluded, tho he'd never admit to it.  He IS bright - but he lords his education over EVERYONE, including me.  His wit is heavily sarcastic, & made me laugh a lot at first, but in retrospect he was often cruel & even bitter in his jests, & I looked at it thru very rose-colored glasses.  He is charming, but if you see the flatness behind his eyes like I do now (and most people don't), you know he is acting it out only.  (Example:  he pretended to a boatload of his deluded friends and co-workers that the last concert he attended, without me of course, was wonderful, and even posted a link to the band on his Facebook, and downloaded the band's album.  EVERYONE believed him and many took his advice to listen to the band or buy their music.  He later told me, with no light in his eyes at all, that he hated that kind of music, the band depressed him totally, and he was sorry he had downloaded the album. But he went to extremes to appear delighted about the concert and in turn delight all his aquaintances.)  His attractiveness is only extreme vanity to me now--it takes him longer to get ready for work or for an evening out than it takes me.  He isn't vibrant, he is lazy, and accused ME regularly of not keeping him occupied enough socially. And as far as sexy, since he is a cerebral N, THAT went away after the idealization stage, when he told me he'd rather view porn and get himself off than be with me.  He was NOTHING I thought he was.

 

Examine your guy closely and see if you don't see some of these same patterns.  If you do, run and run fast!  You will be used, you will be blamed, you will be pushed away and pulled back until you feel like you're the taffy in a tug-of-war  candy pull.  You will be laughed at and made the butt of his jokes to his "friends" (most of whom he feels superior to, or doesn't really like or respect, like your guy), and he will make you  feel sorry for him as often as he can, to soak up your attention and pity.  I went back once, and I am NOT going to do it again.

 

He told me the other night that "he's just SURE after this separation is over, we will be able to be the best of friends, forever".  He actually said FOREVER.  I laughed uproariously at him.  He whined that I was good friends with other past boyfriends, so why not him?  Well, for all the reasons above.  I'm gone for good this time, tho it IS painful, agonizing, and it DOES make me angry and frustrated.  Just look at your guy HARD, and work at being objective about his qualities, such as they are.  If he's a good guy, he would not ask you out and ignore you on the date, and then never follow up.  That is not normal behavior, and you deserve better.   

 

I live in a small town, and if I have hope of meeting a guy who truly embodies most of those qualities I seem to need, you can too.