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My ex is non N and just come out as gay.
I need to post about this again. I'm sorry to go off topic.
I sent....and it was aftera weekend of bravado and thoughts that I still have my friend and it will be OK. But last night the grief came to the surface and I emailed because I feel I just want to curl up in his arms like before.
From me...
I'm not having too good a time with things. Can I come over to see you later in the week do you think? Is it going to interfere with what you are going through though? I don't want to do that. C x
Reply this morning from him....
Are you sure that seeing me is the best way to handle how you're feeling? A couple of days ago you were saying that it would be better to stick to emailing for now. I think perhaps that makes more sense? J xxx
From me...I know what you are saying. I vowed to be real. I think looking back finding out that you are actively, if tentatively, pursuing the gay life and getting used to the idea slowly, released me from feeling rejected sexually and meant that my sexual confidence was not so dented after all. I understand now why and how sex with me would have been so unfulfilling for you and that it is not a reflection on my desirability at all. I think that is why I felt lighter over the weekend and I developed a rather thin skin (as it happened) of bravado. I thank you for being so honest about it. I realise how much more damage would have been caused if you hadn't been so honest at any point and it was brave and just shows what integrity you have. Something I have always known.
What that leaves me with is love. Now I have sorted out the sexual aspect you are still the one man in the world I love and that is so much more difficult. Its not even dependency because even if we agree not to see each other for months I know I am not going to suddenly turn up at your door or anything crazy like that. I know it will be for the best of reasons. Also I am still acutely aware of your journey and how seeing me and dealing with me could shake you and that it is probably more than you can deal with at the moment. I can see that and I don't want to do it to you. I have thought...do I wait till I don't love him anymore before I risk seeing him? That's what I thought when I wrote the email about 'just email for now' - because I just didn't know. I have thought that and thought about it seriously. That is one option. I just don't want to lose that closeness we had though and I fear we have lost it already and that maybe it is the only outcome. And I miss it and I miss you terribly. I feel we have gone through so much together as friends and partners that you remain the one person that I feel totally at ease with, totally at home with. And your company and your conversation and your humour and your smile and your laughter and that 'you and me against the world' all of which gave me so much strength and joy in life and all that - I miss all those things really bad.
I still get the odd email from the odd person on the dating site and it still leaves me completely cold. I don't need to have sex with a straight man to restore anything. I don't feel inclined to get to know someone new. I have no enthusiasm for it and they are just a sea of anonymous faces to me. Because what makes life worth living for me is definitely 100% love and that takes a long time to develop and grow. I have no illusions that going out dating will be a very sad and empty experience when I love someone else. I have experienced that before. Do you remember I used to date a guy called Andy? Well I told him in the end, when he was pushing for a relationship, and I never told you, but EVERY time I was with him I had my head screaming out to me 'But its not Jay. He's not Jay. I miss Jay' It was impossible to ignore and he became a non person in my head - nothing he could say or do made any difference whatsoever. That's when I knew for certain that I loved you so I have loved you for a very long time. That was 2 summers ago. I saw him for about 2 months and it made not a jot of difference.
I hope you realise though that I am going to respect what YOU NEED and put it before what I need. But it does help for me to talk to you in this way and not hide behind some false bravado.
You see I am insightful enough to realise that being loved, whatever form it takes and however I express it, may feel like a shackle to you that you need to shake off. That I am a shackle, a ball and chain. I don't know that. I don't know how you feel about it. But I can see that its possible that to move forward with this and for you to find happiness that having me around you may think will just keep holding you back. Its an excruciatingly painful thought for me and brings back to the surface terrible grief and unbearable loss. But if you feel like that I can see the logic of it. I can see that you may want me to 'stop loving you' the way that I do. I don't know how important I am to you anymore or what form you would still want me in your life. I don't even know if you even need me in your life anymore in any shape or form. Maybe you are not sure of the answers to these questions either.
From him this evening and I am in tears again and the grief is strong again. I know the logic. I know you cannot have a relationship with a gay man (my book has arrived GN but I haven't started it yet). But I have such an enormous sense of loss. And of course my heterosexual brain doesn't quite 'get it' at some sort of deep level. Its so hard.....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>."You see I am insightful enough to realise that being loved, whatever form it takes and however I express it, may feel like a shackle to you that you need to shake off. That I am a shackle, a ball and chain. I don't know that. I don't know how you feel about it. But I can see that its possible that to move forward with this and for you to find happiness that having me around you may think will just keep holding you back. Its an excruciatingly painful thought for me and brings back to the surface terrible grief and unbearable loss. But if you feel like that I can see the logic of it. I can see that you may want me to 'stop loving you' the way that I do. I don't know how important I am to you anymore or what form you would still want me in your life. I don't even know if you even need me in your life anymore in any shape or form. Maybe you are not sure of the answers to these questions either."<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
With a lot of the issues that have come up between us, the problem for me is that I can't see what I can do or say that will help make things better for you, i.e. that will make any positive difference at all to how you're currently feeling. That's why I'm a little bit wary of meeting up right now and going over old ground in a way that will raise a lot of painful stuff on both sides without any possibility of a meaningful resolution. But one thing that I can at least reassure you about is that I do still want you in my life and I don't see you as a 'ball and chain'. But I want you in my life as my friend - a very special and close and valued friend - not as my lover or my partner. Of course the second part of that is what's causing so much pain, but at least you can rely unequivocally on the first bit.
I'm not against us meeting up but I think it might be more useful to do that once we've both moved on a little bit. Otherwise there's a danger we'll just go round in circles. I don't think there's any real risk of us losing the special bond that we have, even if we have some time apart.
Anyway that's some random thoughts/initial responses just for now...
J xxx |
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| | | Sent: 12/11/2008 10:57 p.m. |
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Benthere
You have been with me since the beginning of all this.
You said....just then.....My point is --don't be fooled by the fact that this unrequited love is different because it involves one partner who is gay--it is still unrequited and how you deal with the remaining friendship really depends on your eventual ability or inability to detach from him completely in terms of feelings of romantic love. Sometimes this is just impossible no matter how much you enjoyed the friendship part of your relationship.
.....yes that's exactly what I was saying above MY ABILITY OR INABILITY to detach in terms of romantic love. I have absolutely no idea whether I will ever be able to do this....I have failed so far through 2 years of friendship before we got together again this year. I was attracted to him on the first date and more so with every date (ONE MONTH after getting dumpoed by the N!!). I met 12 men from online dating and he literally jumped oot at me. I even texted him to ask 'Do you fancy me AT ALL?' 5 min after we parted on that first date...he replied 'Yep'. See even then he didn't act hetero. I had NO CLUE whether he fancied me and you usually know don'y you? Now that was bold. That was me saying I really FANCY that man - he HAS SOMETHING I cannot ignore. Don't want to spend one more minute agonising over whether he reciprocates or not. Must say 'Yep' felt a bit sort of luke warm!!
Anyway...thank you again you totally hit the nail on the head. |
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Mirabella
An N and gay?? Goddness.
I've had an N and I have had gay. Together!! Thanks for telling your story to me. I post on a site for Straight partners of gay men - some seperated - some together. They don't get the N expereience though obviously. I posted the red and green flags up there because some of them are dating for first time in years and so niaive about it. they think ALL they need is a staright man. Couldn't believe the responses. One person said they had no idea how complicated the straight world was too!!! Unbelievable.
Anyway some of their partners have been very destructive in the marriage and basically still tried to blame a hell of a lot on the wife. Some wives have spent years thinking the lack of sex or lack of passion has been down to their inadequacy or desirability - how cruel is that?? |
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Hi NSA
You said...I don't know how you will be able to heal with him still around. Maybe after time, but right now, if it was me and I was strong (LOL) I would not see him or email, NC until you are ready to accept his new life and your new life.
I know............ I am beginning to think even emailing back and forth will shake me - whether its day to day stuff or more serious. And now he has given me the reassurance that HE still wants me to be his 'very special, close, valued friend' and that a time apart 'won't affect our special bond', I guess I can/should.
I don't know whether to tell him I'm going to do it - go NC for awhile or just do it. Pathetic I know. That email from him above was our last communication. I guess he would have really expected a response by now. But then I am risking being last to respond and I hate that. How pathetic and wound up am I getting???!! Help. |
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Wolfies
>>>>>>>>>>>>Boy, three colours,
I can hear the love you both have for each other and it makes me so sad to hear what you are going through.<<<<<<<<<<<
Doesn't that make a change on here eh? No bloody less effing painful though. But the difference is, the profound difference, is not having your self esteem torn to shreds as well.
I loved that comment you made, loved it. But that's the romantic me. I don't know how I am going to shake that off.
Thanks for being there everyone.
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Dear all
If I don't join the new board..... I would love to exchange emails with some special friends on here and stay in touch..... via femfree.......unless there is a veterans bit on the new site maybe I dunno. What do you think? I'm resolved on the leaving and then I waiver. But like I say I feel a real fraud now and I haven't got the personal resources at the moment to help new people. I just haven't. |
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| scarlett... if you go to the new site and sign up, you can go to the member's list and send a private message to anyone you would like to keep in touch with via email. I am Nobodys Fool on the new site, and I would be happy to correspond with you if you like. Just private message me your email address and I'll write you back the same day. You don't have to post on the public boards to sign up for an account... and that way your member name will be there waiting for you if/when you do decide to post again. |
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| Brilliant. I was hoping YOU'D respond!! I'll do that. |
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Hi Scarlett, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this pain. My sister went through the same thing, she was married to a man ( a n) that she was at first madly in love with. She found out he was gay by accident. He was very abusive after that, and it broke her heart. The brighter side of it is that she healed, and then found a man who became her husband, that she has been happy with and loved for who she is for the past 17 years. I know that right now this may not help, and you are still raw and hurting, but I hope that in some way this will give you a glimmer of hope for the future. I send you big hugs and hope so much that you will feel better in the near future. It may take a while, however, it will happen. Had Enough |
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Thanks HE!!
So glad your sister is happy now. I'm going to give myself a year alone I think and reevaluate then whether I ever want to try again with someone. I mean I am 53 and I have had 3 major disasters in the last 20 years. |
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| | From:  OzGirl57 | Sent: 13/11/2008 4:29 a.m. |
<WBR>Same here! I would love to keep in touch personally with any of you. I'm DoneWithHim on the new forum!
-----Original Message-----
From: NARCISSISTIC_PERSONALITY_DISORDER <[email protected]>
To: NARCISSISTIC_PERSONALITY_DISORDER <[email protected]>
Sent: Wed, 12 Nov 2008 7:24 pm
Subject: Re: I need to post
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New Message on NARCISSISTIC_PERSONALITY_DISORDER
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From: nobodysfool3756
Message 19 in Discussion
scarlett... if you go to the new site and sign up, you can go to the member's
list and send a private message to anyone you would like to keep in touch with
via email. I am Nobodys Fool on the new site, and I would be happy to
correspond with you if you like. Just private message me your email address and
I'll write you back the same day. You don't have to post on the public boards
to sign up for an account... and that way your member name will be there waiting
for you if/when you do decide to post again.
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Scarlet, Please know I would love to continue corresponding with you. I've signed up on the new site so I look foward to hearing from you. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers--you are going to be alright girlfriend--I promise. Hugs to you, BT |
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Benthere!! You too!! Brill!! (I was hoping) I'll pop over to the other site.
Scarlet |
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| Benthere...have you got a different name over there? I'm Scarlet53...if I can't find you...which I haven't yet...you find me yeah? |
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Scarlet, I'll pop over there now---my name over there is the same which I think is spelled--Benethere. Goes to show you how screwed up I was when I originally joined this site. Benethere--doesn't even make any sense!! see ya there BT |
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