Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the narcissist. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb, rude, or insensitive.<o:p></o:p>

FIVE DON'Ts and TEN DO'S coping with Ns
http://samvak.tripod.com/npdtips.html

<o:p>The other coping strategy is to give up on him. Abandon him and go about reconstructing your own life. Very few people deserve the kind of investment that is an absolute prerequisite to living with a narcissist. To cope with a narcissist is a full time, energy and emotion-draining job, which reduces the persons around the narcissist to insecure nervous wrecks. Who deserves such a sacrifice? No one, to my mind, not even the most brilliant, charming, breathtaking, suave narcissist. The glamour and trickery wear thin and underneath them a monster lurks which sucks the affect, distorts the cognition and irreversibly influences the lives of those around it for the worse.
How to Cope With a Narcissist - Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq4.html</o:p>

Hi Aphrodite

Thank you for your response which I truly appreciate.<o:p></o:p>

‘I assume you were having an affair with this man while he was married�?lt;o:p></o:p>

When I first met him, I was not looking for an affair as I will say (I was 37 at the time) I had always frowned on anyone who would do such a thing.
I must admit though, I was in a very unhappy marriage myself, so looking back I suppose I was vulnerable.
HE was the life and soul of the work place. You know, the one everybody appeared to like. The kind, generous, BIG personality with a smile that could light up a room. He arranged all the social events etc etc.
My husband wasn’t interested in socialising, so I used to go sometimes on my own
Gradually we found ourselves seeking one another out. Gradually we became closer. We started to arrange the odd evening drink �?a meal maybe. There was no sexual contact but we were talking a lot, being open with eachother and I was falling big time. I thought he was to. I learned he had married young �?she was his first (and only)sexual partner, but now she was going off on her own �?doing her own thing and it was a pretty empty marriage. He also told me all sorts of reasons why he should never have married her in the first place.  YES �?I know I should have heard alarm bells �?but I had never been in love before (how do you know what it is until it happens?) and he WASN’T trying to get me into bed.
Anyway, both of our partners found out about our friendship and we both told them marriages were over and we wanted to be together. We then slept separately from our spouses until HE and my ex left matrimonial homes. Intimacy between us started about 8 months into our relationship (after we had told spouses).
I really did think this was the romance of the century. I never doubted until now that he felt the same as me.
I’ve fairly recently found out that he sent his ex red roses a few weeks after the split.
What we did is not something I’m proud of. I did get a chance recently to tell his ex wife that their split was not caused by anything she had done.

That was 19 years ago. We’ve been married for 10.
It’s only now I’m piecing it all together.
I remember asking him once in the ‘friendship�?days. ;How will she react when she finds out about me?�?BR>HE said, ‘She won’t find out.�?BR>It’s easy to ‘gloss over�?in your mind when you don’t want to compute something.

I realise that through the years I have accommodated his behaviour. Learned not to criticise, contradict or question �?to avoid a rage.
I said a few weeks ago. ‘Sometimes I think we don’t row too much these days is because I don’t say what I want to Say.�?BR>HE said, ‘That’s how I feel.�?/SPAN>

Hi Selly

This is the original post I put on a step family forum.
The responses all came up with the fault being my husband's.

I will add that not so long ago, my step son (23) who I love to bits, told me it wasn't until he got away from his dad that he could begin to feel 'normal'. He was always the kid with not just one sweet but a bagfull. It didn't matter if he lost or broke his toys - dad would replace them - no questions asked. He also was very overweight until he 'escaped'. He said it was very hard to get out of the 'mindset' of having anything without having to earn it. Sadly, his daughter never escaped this. Sghe is totally dependent on her father.

'In the beginning it was obvious he was very close to her. In fact, I believe it was starting to cause trouble with his ex (her mother) before I ever came onto the scene.
They had had a history of, sadly, losing 3 babies due to stillbirth before SD was born. Not surprisingly, my husband was the doting father. Taking her everywhere with him �?buying anything she wanted. Although born a normal size �?by the time I met her, she was already dreadfully overweight. It would seem (and I’m only guessing here) that her mother was trying to be the ‘sensible�?one �?but my husband just could never say no to her.
Then �?Bang! �?one day her world is turned upsidedown by a ‘new�?woman �?me �?in her father’s life. It’s not hard to imagine how she must have felt �?although at first she seemed to like me �?making me small gifts etc. This may have been genuine or, more likely, to please her dad. But reality soon stepped in when the divorce became bitter �?the mother using the children as weapons. My name was mud �?and the atmosphere was always strained.
After first leaving the matrimonial home �?my husband moved in with me. That only lasted 3 weeks as he fell into depression because of the guilt over leaving his children. He stayed with his mum for approx a year until his got his own flat. During this time our relationship was on and off �?very stormy. We would have all the kids together  for weekends and mid-week �?but the SD would never leave him alone �?insisting on coming with us on nights out �?clutching his hand whereever we went �?not mixing much with the other kids �?just wanting his attention the whole time.
When he got his flat, it was she who went with him to pick out the wallpaper �?furnishings �?etc for ‘their�?flat (even though he was staying with me most of the time and said the flat would probably be just an investment place).
Also, during this time �?his relationship with my kids was not good. He admits now that he couldn’t interact with my kids because he felt too guilty if his kids weren’t there. He used to say I was the lucky one because I had my kids with me all the time. Maybe I was �?but they weren’t lucky the way he felt about them and treated them, and they weren’t lucky because their own dad was never a good dad and hasn’t got much time for them to this day.<o:p></o:p>

Well, thenext 2-3 years pass with him to-ing and fro-ing between me and the flat �?mostly he would stay at the flat when he had his kids. He would let his son  have friends to stay �?it was only a one-bedroomed flat �?so they used to make a camp and as much mess as they liked �?and she would sleep in the double bed with my husband. There is absolutely nothing inappropriate being suggested �?I just felt it was one more way for her to ‘own�?him over me.
I told him he was asking for trouble by letting her sleep in his bed as the mother was still being vindictive and she could use something like that. Anyway �?I believe he started sleeping on a camp bed and let her use the bed.
One weekend we decided to have a romantic night at the flat (both sets of children were with their other parents). I asked him to make sure he changed the bed for us. He said he had �?but he hadn’t �?expecting me to sleep in her bed sheets. That caused an almighty row.
I have good reason to believe that she made him promise her he would not have a child with me or get married to me. I didn’t find this out until years later.
All this, as I explained before, can be understood. She was just a child �?albeit a very clever and adept manipulator �?even at that age (early teens).
There were loads of times I resolved to give her space �?let her spend quality time with her dad. I tried to make friends with her �?give advice if she needed it �?but she only ever wanted her dad. She made herself unpopular with the other kids by ‘setting them up�?and getting them into trouble. Telling on them at every opportunity etc. More recently I’ve offered to help in any way with her weight loss (she said she wanted to and I cook quite a lot of healthy recipes for my diabetic husband)
On leaving school, she got a part-time carers job. She insisted on my husband picking her up from whatever address she had to go to. He bought her a mobile phone (for safety reasons).
When she was 18 she asked for a party (she actually had a party or a big outing every year before that too)The party was arranged and paid for by us �?as usual, and was planned for end Janurary. At christmas my husband and I had an almighty bust-up. (I had just had a hystorectomy and couldn’t drive �?and he refused to pick my daughter on Boxing day to bring her to us for the afternoon because he didn’t want her there �?though he wouldn’t admit it).<o:p></o:p>

We finally patched up the row after christmas but soon I found a note in his trouser pocket (whilst doing the washing �?not searching) from SD saying ‘why are you with such a horrible person �?how can anyone treat you, a lovely generous person, so badly etc etc on and on.
That caused another upset. Then �?I’d bought husband a fantastic shirt for christmas. I made a comment ‘You can wear that to SD’s 18^th�?
Next thing is she’s saying ‘Dad, I want to take you shopping �?�?and guess what? He comes back with a new shirt she told him to wear for the party.  I asked him which shirt he was going to wear. He said ‘SD’s - Does it matter?�?BR>It seems petty �?but it said a lot to me about loyalty and about what he was teaching her. Another argument.
We made it up again �?but he than said �?*** (SD) doesn’t want you at her party.�?Again he went along with her and I was left seething. Not because I missed party �?but because he was still letting her dictate. This time I decided it was the end. I finished with him and meant it.
A week or passed by and he came practically begging me to take him back. He actually said ‘Are you going to let her win, then.�?BR>I thought he’d finally seen the manipulation and things would be different. They were for a while. She was spending time with friends and we had a fairly smooth time for a while.
From the time she left school to the age of 18, she got herself into £13.000 of debt on credit cards etc. This because she won’t go without anything.
We lent her £10,000 from a remortgage. Her mum had met someone else by this time �?but SD wasn’t getting on with him �?so in the end her mum chucked her out. We took her in. She had met her boyfriend by then. We helped get them both a flat. She had been on the council housing list �?so after a while (because they couldn’t manage financially) we said she could live with us until she was housed.
Eventually she was able to buy a flat at reduced price through council scheme. She paid £54,000. During this time no money was paid back to us. I assumed when the flat was sold (prices were then soaring) she would repay us. When she and boyfriend wanted to buy a house I reminded husband she needed to pay back the £10,000 first. She said to me ‘If we pay that back �?we won’t be able to get the house we want.�?She’d had no intention of paying back a penny.
The flat sold for about £95,000. I made her take out a separate loan for the £10,000 which she hated me even more for. (He would never have made her pay it back)<o:p></o:p>

Then came the wedding. She extracted almost every penny for the wedding out of us. First the hall, then the dress, then the bridesmaid dresses, then the transport and on and on until we had paid it almost all.<o:p></o:p>

By this time we had married (after nearly 10 years!)<o:p></o:p>

Then we decided to start a new venture as well as our own business. He wanted them involved so we took them both on. She knew she trying for a baby, and told us a couple of days into it she was pregnant.
The venture didn’t work out, but because they had left their jobs (and she couldn’t claim maternity pay) we agreed to pay her £5000 over the next few months �?even though we had lost a lot on the venture and couldn’t afford it.
They baby clothes and equipment were gleaned the same way as the wedding. She would take him out shopping (because I love your company dad) as happen to mention she need a –high-chair �?baby alarm etc etc one thing at a time until she’s made him (us) pay for it all.
She admitted drinking a bottle of wine every night while she was pregnant.
2 years ago we paid for all family to go to Cyprus. We got a villa. She was first out of the taxi and up the path to get  the best room (by the way �?she’s now grossly obese weighing about 24 stone)
There was only 1 cot which we had booked for my daughters baby who was 15months old. SD’s son was over 2 and in a bed by then. There wasn’t a bed for him but we had agreed with owners he could sleep with parents. Well, cot did not fit into my daughters room �?so instead of offering to swap rooms (which had the best bath/shower etc etc), she said could she put cot in her room but let daughters baby sleep in it until daughter went to bed (then she would take baby in with her).
One night,  SD & Hub wanted a night out. My husband gave them a lift to the restaurant, also spending money. When he came back he went upstairs. He had taken the baby out of the cot and put her into a bed. Put SD’s son into cot. He would have had instructions to do that. I said ‘You can’t put a 15 month old into a bed �?so it caused an argument & my daughter ended up going to bed to look after baby at about 8.00 in the evening.
Next day SD insisted on my husband taking her out for the day. She wasn’t interested going out with her own husband �?just her dad. She made him take her and her son out for the whole day.
A year or so ago I found out that he’d paid her mortgage (£700) twice �?even though business isn’t good for us. It was all done in secret. This made me look deeper �?I found quite a few amounts paid out of his account into hers �?some £200 amounts.
For every incident I’ve mentioned, there are 100 more. It would take a book.
My husband thinks if he keeps the two of us apart �?he will have peace. I know most of the problem is because he has never given her boundaries �?always given her equal status �?like a wife. Of course he loves her �?I would think something very wrong if he didn’t �?but the relationship is wrong. Whenever I’ve confronted him �?he say ‘She likes my company.�?I’ve made allances for the problems she’s had �?divorce �?weight problem etc, but surely there comes a time when every person has to take responsibility/control for their own life.
A couple of weeks ago she instructed my Husband to buy her FOUR year old a mobile. He went out and did this �?even though he agreed with me he’s too young �?even though he watched me take a mobile phone off of my 9 year old grand son last christmas (his dad had given it to him) That was heart-breaking, but we agreed he was too young.
She doesn’t like my children or my daughter’s children. It’s as if she’s thinking they shouldn’t be her Dad’s Grandchildren.
She constantly phones/texts him. She never uses the house phone. She’s using her chilren more and more as power over her Dad. She relys on him for all things a husband should do. She often asks H to pick up boy from school (though school is over the road) because she knows he will give her money whenever he sees her.He recently put up a fence in her garden even though her hub is a carpenter. She phones and says ‘Oh Dad, the kids (there’s a baby girl now too) miss you �?can you take us shopping �?knowing he will pay for it and slip her £10-£20 to boot.
If he ever (extremely rarely) gets annoyed with her she uses guilt �?which has always been her big weapon. ‘OhDad, I can’t believe you spoke to me like that.�?BR>My husband recently found out SD’s hub smokes pot. What he doesn’t know is that she smokes it too (he would believe her if she denied it) and that they actually took quite a large amount of it with us abroad �?putting us all in danger. I’ve only just found this out.
There has just been yet another bust-up. Yes, she caused it.
I’m at the end of my rope. I keep remembering what my Mum sais to me years ago ‘You leave or you stay because it will NEVER change.�?BR>We’ve been at this stage before. We have deep, meaningful conversations �?then it just starts up again. He doesn’t believe or want to admit the manipulation. He won’t set boundaries �?and now it’s happening with her 4 year old, too.
I’m at the stage where I just want a peaceful, harmonious  life and deep down I know she will never let that happen.�?lt;o:p></o:p>

Well, Selly �?that was the original post. I now can read between the lines as to why my N would never change the situation. Never would and never will.
What a fantastic supply! Every time she speaks to him on the phone it’s, ‘I love you.�?Not unusual in itself �?But they text and talk about 8 times a day!
How they feed off eachother!
I’ve been such an idiot. 19 years of that!
I also noticed he was saying what I would consider inappropriate things about sex to her at too young an age. They think nothing of texting filthy jokes to one another.<o:p></o:p>

Anyway, sorry this has been long, but you did ask…�?<o:p></o:p>

Love
X<o:p></o:p>

HY<o:p></o:p>