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i see alot now and i think back at all the times perhaps the XN was probally trying to control me. is this forms of control? to those that are experts of the control issues -i think i wa so blind. but after reading up on these control N freaks i can now radar in on these techniques & punishments they use on us? let us make a list of ways they controlled us without our being aware at first?
1. me standing up for myself on a thurs and on friday the N would stay out till 3am...pattern i noticed.
2. in the beginning when he stayed out i gave him a reaction, in the end after going back 3 times the reactions were decreased by me...this created havoc with the N...panic. they hate indifference.
3. after punishing me with cheating or staying out he would call next am and expect me to take him to breakfast. what was that about? did he want me to blow up at him?
*** the more his life went in the toliet the stronger i got..
4, called me up on sat night 9pm & talk sweet sometimes make a sexual comment, talked for 20 min then said he had to take a call, it was beeping in...he would never call me back so i would call. he would never answer then. was this control? in the end i stopped calling back---i knew the GAME. i think he hated that.
5. tried to cut me down about my job or personality (which is very good) i would change the subject or laugh it off with a reaction....before it would cause reaction.
6. if i had plans without him he would always try to create drama for me to change them or offer me something exciting to do instead.
7. when i would go out with friends---which was few...he would leave messages pertaining to a sexual topic between us...what was that.
8. oh my wall created a great privacy thing for him...he told others he loves it so now i can't spy on him....HA!!! projection!!!!!!!
i think now that the important thing is that we know how the game is played so we can beat them at their own game..........for they do not realize we notice their patterns---------------repeated over and over...................eyes |
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| | (1 recommendation so far) | Message 2 of 5 in Discussion |
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| The only way to beat them at their own game is NOT TO PLAY. |
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nobodysfool is correct, DON'T PLAY! The longer an attempt at a relationship went on with xn the worse he got. He was always contradicting himself, saying one thing, doing another, constantly! He would always try to pound into my head we were "partners," then treat me like a child. I got so sick of his punishment games I could puke! If I had a dollar for evey single time I told him he is not my father, I could pay off all the debt that loser left me with!
Being OUT of their juvenile games is the best thing we can do!
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| | (1 recommendation so far) | Message 4 of 5 in Discussion |
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[ let us make a list of ways they controlled us without our being aware at first?]
How could you not be aware of this?
How could you accept these things?
IMHO you should be shifting the focus to why you tolerated these behaviors rather than his behaviors. |
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| | From:  lali59 | Sent: 17/11/2008 7:58 a.m. |
In hindsight their behavior is very apparent and we can see how unhealthy our responses were but in order to do that we must first become aware of the behavior and our responses. We do that by removing ourselves from the relationship, (no contact), with therapy, and by reading or hearing about other people's experiences with partners like ours. But as long as we are isolated and immersed in the relationship, it is nearly impossible to see the unhealthy patterns we create.
My experience is one of 30 years, 25 of them married to a needy, selfish, manipulative narcissist who was wonderful when his needs were being met which I did for all those years. I didn't see or understand how destructive the charming manipulation and pitiful inability to take responsibility was until we separated. It was only then as he continued his pattern of making me responsible for every action and negative situation that I began to be aware (after much counseling, reading, sharing and grieving) of the lifetime of unhealthy patterns. I did not come from a family like this, I grew up in a loving, non-judgmental home. I am a very independent, self supporting professional women who thinks and lives outside the box. I don't know why I choose that kind of relationship, I don't know why I tolerated it, I have discovered some reasons.....I believed in marriage, I don't give up, I am very easy going, blah blah blah but I know I still have work to do until I understand why I accepted such a selfish, non-reciprocal relationship for so many years. I just have to forgive myself. And pathetically, the only reason the relationship ended is because as I stopped meeting his needs, (I was preoccupied with some other issues in my life) he found another supply to fill his needs and he was gone! So I hope this answers parenchyma 98 questions about how we could not be aware of behaviors that seem so controlling and manipulative and how we could accept and live with such oppression.
I still amazes me what I tolerated and how long it took me after he left to recognize the patterns. I thought I was smarter, better, more in control...... He left 3 and a half years ago and it has only been recently that I can deal with him verbally and not be manipulated. And I am grateful that I have progressed this far, considering for a long time after he left I continued to believe him and couldn't see anything wrong with the picture!! So become aware of the patterns, then forgive yourself for being who you were and move into relationships that nurture you and don't deplete you.
Blessings and light to everyone here. I am grateful for all the guidance and grace I have found on this site.
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