Question Number Two for Tuesday:

 

Dr. Vaknin, I hope I didn't offend you when I said, "therefore, in your opinion, as a layman afflicted with NPD, do you think that he could be labeled either/or or both NPD/APD?"  I wrote that statement so that you would know that I realized I was not getting a "diagnosis" from a mental health professional.  I am very aware of your accomplishments and expertise, otherwise I would not be participating in this case study.  I do so very much appreciate your time and your help.  Thank you.

 

As to your question, why is it important to label him? 

 

I have had so many in my life ask me this very question and I finally have an answer:  I put people into categories and label them to protect myself--family, real life friends, online friends, buddies, co-workers, scumbags, etc.  I use the labels to adjust my expectations accordingly and to make sure that I do not do any act that will lead to my humiliation or strip me of my pride.  I learned from 15 years--age 8 to 23--of living with an alcoholic stepfather, who has many of the N traits, who walked in our lives all movie star slick and later became an abusive bastard, to protect myself in such a way.   So labels are very important to me.

 

In this case, it alleviates the self-loathing I have for putting myself in this situation and for my inability to "get over him" and move on.  If he's NPD, then I was not as much of a fool, right?  He was just that good.  And, if he's NPD, I am not a crazy person who can't seem to move on, right?  But, if he's just a scumbag, well, why didn't I see it, I've known enough of them?  And why am I obsessed over him and not just cutting him out of my life completely?   Clearly, I am an internalizer--it's obviously my fault for letting him do this to me again and again, but it's easier to deal with when the responsibility for the pain can be shifted more in his direction.

 

But you are right.  The label does not matter, I know enough to make the appropriate decisions. 

 

Thanks again, Dr. Vaknin.

Dear VenomVsValor,

 

(laughing)

 

I have been called far worse before. I was not offended or insulted at all! On the contrary, I was grateful to you for giving me the opportunity to present my work more extensively.

 

Now to your question:

The narcissist is prone to magical thinking. He regards himself in terms of "being chosen" or of "having a destiny". He believes that he has a "direct line" to God, even, perversely, that God "serves" him in certain junctions and conjunctures of his life, through divine intervention. He believes that his life is of such momentous importance, that it is micro-managed by God. The narcissist likes to play God to his human environment. In short, narcissism and religion go well together, because religion allows the narcissist to feel unique.

This is a private case of a more general phenomenon. The narcissist likes to belong to groups or to frameworks of allegiance. He derives easy and constantly available Narcissistic Supply from them. Within them and from their members he is certain to get attention, to gain adulation, to be castigated or praised. His False Self is bound to be reflected by his colleagues, co-members, or fellows. This is no mean feat and it cannot be guaranteed in other circumstances. The narcissist tends to fanatically emphasise his membership. If a military man, he shows off his impressive array of insignia, his impeccably ironed uniform, the status symbols of his rank. If a clergyman �?he is overly devout and orthodox and places great emphasis on the proper conduct of rites, rituals and ceremonies. The narcissist develops a reverse (benign) form of paranoia: he feels constantly watched over by senior members of his group or frame of reference, the subject of permanent (avuncular) criticism, the centre of attention. If a religious man, he talks of divine providence. This self-centred perception also caters to the narcissist's streak of grandiosity. If worthy of attention, supervision and intervention �?the narcissist feels justified in feeling worthy.

From this mental junction, the way is short to entertaining the delusion that God (or the equivalent institutional authority) is an active participant in the narcissist's life in which constant intervention by Him is a key feature. God is subsumed in a larger picture, that of the narcissist's destiny and mission. God serves this cosmic plan by making it possible. Indirectly, therefore, God is perceived by the narcissist to be at his service. Moreover, in a process of holographic appropriation, the narcissist views himself as a microcosm of his frame of affiliation, of his group, or his frame of reference. A narcissist is likely to say that he IS the army, the nation, the people, the struggle, history, or (a part of) God. As opposed to healthier people, the narcissist is not talking about representation. He is talking about the embodiment of his class, his people, his race, history, his God, his art �?or anything else he feels a part of. This is why individual narcissists feel completely comfortable to play parts usually reserved to groups of people or to some transcendental, divine (or other), authority. It also sits well with the narcissist's all-pervasive feelings of omnipotence and omniscience. In playing God, for instance, the narcissist is completely convinced that he is playing himself. The narcissist does not hesitate to put people's lives or fortunes at risk. He preserves his sense of infallibility in the face of his mistakes and misjudgements by distorting the facts, by evoking mitigating or attenuating circumstances, by repressing memories, or by simply lying.

In the overall design of things, small misfortunes matter little. The narcissist is haunted by the feeling that he is possessed of a mission, of a destiny, that he is part of fate, of history. He is convinced that his uniqueness is purposeful, that he is meant to lead, to chart new ways, to innovate, to modernise, to reform, to set precedents, to create. Every act of his is significant, every writing of momentous consequences, every thought of revolutionary calibre. He feels part of a grand design, a world plan and the frame of affiliation, the group, of which he is a member, must be commensurately grand. Its proportions and properties must resonate with his. Its characteristics must justify his and its ideology must conform to his pre-conceived opinions and prejudices. In short: the group must magnify the narcissist, echo and amplify his life, his views, his knowledge, his history. This intertwining, this enmeshing of individual and group �?is what makes the narcissist the most devout and loyal of all members. The narcissist is always the most fanatical, the most extreme, the most dangerous. At stake is never the preservation of his group �?but his very own survival. As with other Narcissistic Supply Sources, once the group is no longer instrumental �?the narcissist loses all interest in it, devalues it and ignores it. In extreme cases, he might even wish to destroy it (as a punishment or revenge for its incompetence at securing his Narcissistic Supply). Narcissists switch groups and ideologies with the ease with which they change partners, spouses and value systems. In this respect, narcissists are narcissists first and members of their groups only in the second place.

Your narcissist probably felt immune to the inevitable consequences of his actions.

In many respects, narcissists are children. Like children, they engage in magical thinking. They feel omnipotent. They feel that there is nothing they couldn't do or achieve had they only really wanted to. They feel omniscient �?they rarely admit that there is anything that they do not know. They believe that all knowledge resides within them. They are haughtily convinced that introspection is a more important and more efficient (not to mention easier to accomplish) method of obtaining knowledge than the systematic study of outside sources of information in accordance with strict (read: tedious) curricula. To some extent, they believe that they are omnipresent because they are either famous or about to become famous. Deeply immersed in their delusions of grandeur, they firmly believe that their acts have �?or will have �?a great influence on mankind, on their firm, on their country, on others. Having learned to manipulate their human environment to a masterly extent �?they believe that they will always "get away with it".

Narcissistic immunity is the (erroneous) feeling, harboured by the narcissist, that he is immune to the consequences of his actions. That he will never be effected by the results of his own decisions, opinions, beliefs, deeds and misdeeds, acts, inaction and by his membership of certain groups of people. That he is above reproach and punishment (though not above adulation). That, magically, he is protected and will miraculously be saved at the last moment.

What are the sources of this unrealistic appraisal of situations and chains of events?

The first and foremost source is, of course, the False Self. It is constructed as a childish response to abuse and trauma. It is possessed of everything that the child wishes he had in order to retaliate: power, wisdom, magic �?all of them unlimited and instantaneously available. The False Self, this Superman, is indifferent to abuse and punishment inflicted upon it. This way, the True Self is shielded from the harsh realities experienced by the child. This artificial, maladaptive separation between a vulnerable (but not punishable) True Self and a punishable (but invulnerable) False Self is an effective mechanism. It isolates the child from the unjust, capricious, emotionally dangerous world that he occupies. But, at the same time, it fosters a false sense of "nothing can happen to me, because I am not there, I cannot be punished because I am immune".

The second source is the sense of entitlement possessed by every narcissist. In his grandiose delusions, the narcissist is a rare specimen, a gift to humanity, a precious, fragile, object. Moreover, the narcissist is convinced both that this uniqueness is immediately discernible �?and that it gives him special rights. The narcissist feels that he is protected under some cosmological law pertaining to "endangered species". He is convinced that his future contribution to humanity should (and does) exempt him from the mundane: daily chores, boring jobs, recurrent tasks, personal exertion, orderly investment of resources and efforts and so on. The narcissist is entitled to "special treatment": high living standards, constant and immediate catering to his needs, the avoidance of any encounter with the mundane and the routine, an all-engulfing absolution of his sins, fast track privileges (to higher education, in his encounters with the bureaucracy). Punishment is for ordinary people (where no great loss to humanity is involved). Narcissists are entitled to a different treatment and they are above it all.

The third source has to do with their ability to manipulate their (human) environment. Narcissists develop their manipulative skills to the level of an art form because that is the only way they could have survived their poisoned and dangerous childhood. Yet, they use this "gift" long after its usefulness is over. Narcissists are possessed of inordinate abilities to charm, to convince, to seduce and to persuade. They are gifted orators. In many cases, they ARE intellectually endowed. They put all this to the bad use of obtaining Narcissistic Supply. Many of them are con-men, politicians, or artists. Many of them do belong to the social and economic privileged classes. They mostly do get exempted many times by virtue of their standing in society, their charisma, or their ability to find the willing scapegoats. Having "got away with it" so many times �?they develop a theory of personal immunity, which rests on some kind of societal and even cosmic "order of things". Some people are just above punishment, the "special ones", the "endowed or gifted ones". This is the "narcissistic hierarchy".

But there is a fourth, simpler, explanation:

The narcissist just does not know what he is doing. Divorced from his True Self, unable to empathise (to understand what it is like to be someone else), unwilling to empathise (to constrain his actions in accordance with the feelings and needs of others) �?he is in a constant dreamlike state. His life to him is a movie, autonomously unfolding, guided by a sublime (even divine) director. He is a mere spectator, mildly interested, greatly entertained at times. He does not feel that his actions are his. He, therefore, emotionally, cannot understand why he should be punished and when he is, he feels grossly wronged.

To be a narcissist is to be convinced of a great, inevitable personal destiny. The narcissist is preoccupied with ideal love, the construction of brilliant, revolutionary scientific theories, the composition or authoring or painting of the greatest work of art ever, the founding of a new school of thought, the attainment of fabulous wealth, the reshaping of the fate of a nation, becoming immortalised and so on. The narcissist never sets realistic goals to himself. He is forever floating amidst fantasies of uniqueness, record breaking, or breathtaking achievements. His speech reflects this grandiosity and is interlaced with such expressions. So convinced is the narcissist that he is destined to great things �?that he refuses to accept setbacks, failures and punishments. He regards them as temporary, as someone else's errors, as part of the future mythology of his rise to power/brilliance/wealth/ideal love, etc. A punishment is a diversion of scarce energy and resources from the all-important task of fulfilling his mission in life. This over-riding goal is a divine certainty: a higher order has pre-ordained the narcissist to achieve something lasting, of substance, of import in this world, in this life. How could mere mortals interfere with the cosmic, the divine, scheme of things? Therefore, punishment is impossible and will not happen �?is the narcissist's conclusion.

The narcissist is pathologically envious of people �?and projects his feelings unto them. He is always over-suspicious, on guard, ready to fend off an imminent attack. A punishment to the narcissist is a major surprise and a nuisance but it also proves to him and validates what he suspected all the time: that he is being persecuted. Strong forces are poised against him. People are envious of his achievements, angry at him, out to get him. He constitutes a threat to the accepted order. When required to account for his (mis)deeds, the narcissist is always disdainful and bitter. He feels like Gulliver, a giant, chained to the ground by teeming dwarves while his soul soars to a future, in which people will recognise his greatness and applaud it.

More about narcissists in various workplaces here:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq11.html

 

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq81.html

 

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal70.html

 

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal52.html

 

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/corporatenarcissism.html

 

http://healthyplace.com/Communities/personality_disorders/site/Transcripts/narcissism_workplace.htm

 

http://www.suite101.com/bulletin.cfm/6514/10621

 

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/pp114.html

 

http://open-site.org/Society/Issues/Violence_and_Abuse/Workplace/

 

http://www.nypress.com/16/7/news&columns/feature.cfm

 

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/npd.htm

 

http://www.freepint.com/issues/240703.htm

 

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal45.html

Take care.

 

Sam

Thanks for the extensive discussion regarding my question, Dr. Vaknin.  You hit on so many characteristics that are relevant to Xxx that I felt like my head was spinning as I read it--constant flashbacks of moments/incidents that applied.

 

I strongly suspect that Xxx was tormented as a child--by his father who was a gungho Marine now turned minister, by his peers who tortured him for being "small" and poor, by abandonment issues involving his mother who I do not believe he had much contact with growing up, perhaps because of his father, by an incident involving assualt by an older male when he was a child, this may not be accurate as it was shared after I spoke of an incident that occured during my childhood.

 

He is very much as you described regarding his integration and participation in groups.   "If a military man, he shows off his impressive array of insignia, his impeccably ironed uniform, the status symbols of his rank."  In one group he represented himself as a Sergeant (E-6) and a member of Special Operations.  To another group, he claimed to be an Apache Pilot who fought in Afghanistan.   I later found out he was only a Specialist (E-4) and only a linguist, not Special Ops, and he's never fought in any war.  When he "infiltrates" a group, he dominates lesser members and challenges authority until they accept him as an equal or better--I saw this pattern many times in the various websites he frequented and later abandoned (I discovered this in the aftermath, of course.)

 

I do believe, as you stated, that he believed he was beyond punishment.  He told me that he had not been punished by the Army at all for his involvement with me.  I found an online newsletter for the military base he is stationed at that lists charges and punishments and his was listed on there.  I could not understand his need to lie about that, but now I do--protection of the False Self.  

 

He is the persecuted one--his poetry abounds with how cruelly he's been treated.  Of course when he was discharged from the Army it was because his Battalion Commander didn't like him, not because he was becoming a liability to the Army, especially during wartime.  He claims to be Jewish, however, I suspect that he is not--Jews are "persecuted and hated," a perfect fit for him.  He also claims to be a "traditional skinhead."  To me, the two ideologies clash--except that both groups are "hated" among other groups and the "uniqueness" of being a member of each group.

 

You wrote:  "He regards himself in terms of 'being chosen' or of 'having a destiny'."  You are on point here.  These are two examples of Xxx that exemplify that notion.  First, at the bottom of all of Xxx's emails is the saying:

 

"Also I heard the voice of the Lord
saying Whom Shall I Send, Who Shall Go For Us?
Then said I, Here am I, SEND ME"

And, second, a paragraph from an email that he wrote to me just before "leaving" for Iraq after I demanded more info from him about himself:

 

"You are the most important person in my life.  But.  My country needs me, it needs the services that I have been trained to perform.  So please understand- this is my
one major fault that I cannot control.  I volunteered to go, so that less-trained or less-able men and women don't have to. You are my sunshine, my sweet darling beautiful angel.  You are my lover and my friend.  You are so very important, you are infused with every part of my life.  I wish that I could answer your questions, or make everything right.  Unfortunately, I can't.  This is who I am- this is what I am.  Please, accept that for what it is.  I am an American soldier, fighting in the forces which guard my nation, its people, and our way of life."

 

 

Of course, I could go on and on, but I'll stop and apologize for having gone this far--it is all bewildering to me that he seems to be a textbook case and I saw nothing suspect, until it was too late. 

 

Thank you sooo much, Dr. Vaknin.  I will be reading this again and again over the next couple days, just letting it all sink in.

I wanted to add that this all makes me feel sad for him--I was not prepared for that and it is unsettling.  I have had many emotions about him, generally confusion and anger, but never pity. 

 

It will not change anything, however.

 

Thanks again.

Hi, VenomVsValor

When they consider you a good source of narcissistic supply, narcissist give a good imitation of emotions and emapthy. But this is all it is - a simulacrum.

 

So, do they have emotions?

 

The narcissist's positive emotions come bundled with very negative ones. This is the outcome of frustration and the consequent transformations of aggression. This frustration is connected to the Primary Objects of the narcissist's childhood (parents and caregivers). Instead of being provided with the love that he craved, the narcissist was subjected to totally unpredictable and inexplicable bouts of temper, rage, searing sentimentality, envy, prodding, infusion of guilt and other unhealthy emotions and behaviour patterns. He reacted by retreating to his private world, where he was omnipotent and omniscient and, therefore, immune to such vicious vicissitudes. He stashed his vulnerable True Self in a deep mental cellar �?and outwardly he presented to the world his False Self.

But bundling is far easier than unbundling. The narcissist is unable to evoke his positive feelings without provoking his negative ones. Gradually, he becomes phobic: afraid to feel anything, lest it be accompanied by the fearsome, guilt inducing, anxiety provoking, out of control emotional complements. He is thus reduced to experiencing dull stirrings, dim movements in his soul, that he identifies to himself and to others as emotions. Even these are felt only in the presence of a subject capable of providing the narcissist with his badly needed Narcissistic Supply. Only when the narcissist is in the overvaluation phase of his relationships, does he go through these convulsions and convolutions that he calls "feelings". These are so transient and fake in nature that they are easily replaced by rage, envy and devaluation. The narcissist really recreates the behaviour patterns of his less than ideal Primary Objects.

The narcissist knows that something is amiss. He does not empathise with other people's feelings. Actually, he holds them in contempt and ridicule. He cannot understand how people are so sentimental, so "irrational" (he identifies being rational with being cool headed and cold blooded). Many times he finds himself believing that other people's behaviour is fake, intended to achieve a goal, grounded in ulterior, non-emotional, motives. He becomes paranoidally suspicious, embarrassed, feels compelled to run away, or, worse, experiences surges of almost uncontrollable aggression in the presence of genuinely expressed emotions. They remind him how imperfect and poorly equipped he is. They threaten him. Constant nagging by a spouse, colleagues, professors, by employers �?only exacerbates the situation.

The weaker variety tries to emulate and simulate "emotions" �?or, at least their expression, the external facet. They mimic and replicate the intricate pantomime that they learn to associate with the existence of feelings. But there are no real emotions there, no emotional correlate. This is empty affect, devoid of emotion. Being so, the narcissist fast tires of it, he becomes impassive and begins to produce inappropriate affect (remain indifferent when grief is the normal reaction, for instance). The narcissist subjects his feigned emotions to his cognition. He "decides" that it is appropriate to feel so and so. "Emotions" are invariably the result of analysis, goal setting and planning. He substitutes "remembering" for "sensing". He relegates his bodily sensations, feelings and emotions to a kind of a memory vault. The short and medium-term memory is exclusively used to store his reactions to his (actual and potential) Narcissistic Supply Sources. He reacts only to such sources. The narcissist finds it hard to remember what he felt (even a short while ago) towards a Narcissistic Supply Source once it has ceased to be one. It is difficult for him to recreate the emotions, which were ostensibly involved. In his efforts to emotionally recall �?he encounters a void, draws a mental blank.

It is not that narcissists are incapable of expressing what we would tend to classify as "extreme emotional reactions". They mourn and grieve, rage and smile, excessively "love" and "care". But this is precisely what sets them apart: this rapid movement from one emotional extreme to another and the fact that they never occupy the emotional middle ground. The narcissist is especially "emotional" when weaned off the Narcissistic Supply drug. Breaking a habit is always difficult �?especially one that defines (and generates) one's being. Getting rid of an addiction is doubly taxing. The narcissist identifies these crises with emotional depth and his self-conviction is so immense, that he mostly succeeds to elude his environment, as well. But a narcissistic crisis (losing a Source of Narcissistic Supply, obtaining an alternative one, moving from one Narcissistic Pathological Space to another) �?must never be confused with the real thing, which the narcissist never experiences: emotions.

Many narcissists have "emotional resonance tables". They use words as others use algebraic signs: with meticulousness, with caution, with the precision of the artisan. They sculpt in words the fine tuned reverberations of pain and love and fear. It is the mathematics of grammar, the geometry of syntax. Devoid of all emotions, they watch people's reactions and adjust their verbal choices accordingly, until their vocabulary resembles that of their listeners. This is as close as narcissists get to empathy.

To summarise, the emotional life of the narcissist is colourless and eventless, as rigidly blind as his disorder, as dead as he. He does feel rage and hurt and inordinate humiliation, envy and fear. These are very dominant, prevalent and recurrent hues in the canvass of his emotional existence. But there is nothing except these atavistic gut reactions.

Whatever it is that the narcissist experiences as emotions �?he experiences in reaction to slights and injuries, real or imagined. His emotions are all reactive, not active. He feels insulted �?he sulks. He feels devalued �?he rages. He feels ignored �?he pouts. He feels humiliated �?he lashes out. He feels threatened �?he fears. He feels adored �?he basks in glory. He is virulently envious of one and all.

The narcissist can appreciate beauty but in a cerebral, cold and "mathematical" way. Many have no mature, adult sex drive to speak of. Their emotional landscape is dim and grey, as though through a glass darkly.

Many narcissists can intelligently discuss other emotions, never experienced by them �?like empathy, or love �?because they make it a point to read a lot and to correspond with people who claim to experience them. Thus, they gradually form working hypotheses as to what people feel. As far as the narcissist is concerned, it is pointless to try to really understand emotions �?but at least these models he forms allow him to better predict people's behaviour.

Narcissists are not envious of people who feel. They disdain feelings and emotional people because they think that they are weak and vulnerable and they deride human frailties and vulnerabilities. Such derision makes the narcissist feel superior and is probably the ossified remains of a defence mechanism gone awry.

Narcissists are afraid of pain. Pain is a pebble in their Indra's Net �?lift it and the whole net revives. Their pains do not come isolated �?they constitute families of anguish, tribes of hurt, whole races of agony. The narcissist cannot experience them separately �?only collectively.

Narcissism is an effort to contain the ominous onslaught of stale emotions, repressed rage, a child's injuries.

Pathological narcissism is useful �?this is why it is so resilient and resistant to change. When it is "invented" by the tormented individual �?it enhances his functionality and makes life bearable for him. Because it is so successful, it attains religious dimensions �?it become rigid, doctrinaire, automatic and ritualistic. In other words, it becomes a PATTERN of behaviour. This rigidity is like an outer shell. It constrains the narcissist and limits him. It is often prohibitive and inhibitive. As a result, the narcissist is afraid to do certain things. He is injured or humiliated when forced to engage in certain activities. He reacts with rage when the mental edifice supporting his disorder is subjected to scrutiny and criticism �?no matter how benign.

Narcissism is ridiculous. Narcissists are pompous, grandiose, repulsive and contradictory. There is a serious mismatch between who they really are and what they really achieve �?and how they feel about themselves. It is not that the narcissist merely THINKS that he is far superior to other humans intellectually. The perception of his superiority is ingrained in him, it is a part of his every mental cell, an all-pervasive sensation, an instinct and a drive. He feels that he is entitled to special treatment and to outstanding consideration because he is such a unique specimen. He knows this to be true �?the same way one knows that one is surrounded by air. It is an integral part of his identity. More integral to him than his body.

This opens a gap �?rather, an abyss �?between the narcissist and other humans. Because he considers himself so special and so superior, he has no way of knowing how it is to be THEM �?nor the inclination to explore it. In other words, the narcissist cannot and will not empathise. Can you empathise with an ant? Empathy implies identity or equality, both abhorrent to the narcissist. And being perceived by the narcissist to be so inferior, people are reduced to cartoonish, two-dimensional representations of functions. They become instrumental, or useful, or functional, or entertaining �?rather than loving or emotionally interactive.

It leads to ruthlessness and exploitativeness. Narcissists are not "evil" �?actually, the narcissist considers himself to be a good person. Many narcissists help people, professionally, or voluntarily. But narcissists are indifferent. They couldn't care less. They help people because it is a way to secure attention, gratitude, adulation and admiration. And because it is the fastest and surest way to get rid of them and their incessant nagging.

The narcissist may realise these unpleasant truths cognitively �?but there is no corresponding emotional reaction (emotional correlate) to this realisation. There is no resonance. It is like reading a boring users' manual pertaining to a computer you do not even own. There is no insight, no assimilation of these truths.

Still, to further insulate himself from the improbable possibility of confronting the gulf between reality and grandiose fantasy (the Grandiosity Gap) �?the narcissist comes up with the most elaborate mental structure, replete with mechanisms, levers, switches and flickering alarm lights.

Narcissism Isolates the narcissist from the pain of facing reality and allows him to inhabit the fantasyland of ideal perfection and brilliance.

These once-vital functions are bundled in what is known to psychologists as the False Self.

Narcissists "love" their spouses or other significant others �?/SPAN> as long as they continue to reliably provide them with Narcissistic Supply (in one word, with attention). Inevitably, they regard others as mere "sources", objects, or functions. Lacking empathy and emotional maturity, the narcissist's love is pathological. But the precise locus of the pathology depends on the narcissist's stability or instability in different parts of his life.

From "The Unstable Narcissist":

(I have omitted below large sections. For a more elaborate treatment, please read the FAQ itself.)

"Narcissists belong to two broad categories: the 'compensatory stability' and the 'enhancing instability' types.

I. Compensatory Stability ('Classic') Narcissists

These narcissists isolate one or more (but never most) aspects of their lives and 'make these aspect/s stable'. They do not really invest themselves in it. The stability is maintained by artificial means: money, celebrity, power, fear. A typical example is a narcissist who changes numerous workplaces, a few careers, a myriad of hobbies, value systems or faiths. At the same time, he maintains (preserves) a relationship with a single woman (and even remains faithful to her). She is his 'island of stability'. To fulfil this role, she just needs to be there physically.

The narcissist is dependent upon 'his' woman to maintain the stability lacking in all other areas of his life (to compensate for his instability). Yet, emotional closeness is bound to threaten the narcissist. Thus, he is likely to distance himself from her and to remain detached and indifferent to most of her needs. Despite this cruel emotional treatment, the narcissist considers her to be a point of exit, a form of sustenance, a fountain of empowerment. This mismatch between what he wishes to receive and what he is able to give, the narcissist prefers to deny, repress and bury deep in his unconscious. This is why he is always shocked and devastated to learn of his wife's estrangement, infidelity, or divorce intentions. Possessed of no emotional depth, being completely one track minded �?he cannot fathom the needs of others. In other words, he cannot empathise.

II. Enhancing Instability ('Borderline') Narcissist

The other kind of narcissist enhances instability in one aspect or dimension of his life �?by introducing instability in others. Thus, if such a narcissist resigns (or, more likely, is made redundant) �?he also relocates to another city or country. If he divorces, he is also likely to resign his job. This added instability gives these narcissists the feeling that all the dimensions of their life are changing simultaneously, that they are being 'unshackled', that a transformation is in progress. This, of course, is an illusion. Those who know the narcissist, no longer trust his frequent 'conversions', 'decisions', 'crises', 'transformations', 'developments' and 'periods'. They see through his pretensions and declarations into the core of his instability. They know that he is not to be relied upon. They know that with narcissists, temporariness is the only permanence."

We are, therefore, faced with two pathological forms of narcissistic "love".

One type of narcissist "loves" others as one would attach to objects. He "loves" his spouse, for instance, simply because she exists and is available to provide him with Narcissistic Supply. He "loves" his children because they are part of his self-image as a successful husband and father. He "loves" his "friends" because �?/SPAN> and only as long as �?/SPAN> he can exploit them.

Such a narcissist reacts with alarm and rage to any sign of independence and autonomy in his "charges". He tries to "freeze" everyone around him in their "allocated" positions and "assigned roles". His world is rigid and immovable, predictable and static, fully under his control. He punishes for "transgressions" against this ordained order. He thus stifles life as a dynamic process of compromising and growing �?/SPAN> rendering it instead a mere theatre, a tableau vivant.

The other type of narcissist abhors monotony and constancy, equating them, in his mind, with death. He seeks upheaval, drama, and change �?/SPAN> but only when they conform to his plans, designs, and views of the world and of himself. Thus, he does not encourage growth in his nearest and dearest. By monopolizing their lives, he, like the other kind of narcissist, also reduces them to mere objects, props in the exciting drama of his life.

This narcissist likewise rages at any sign of rebellion and disagreement. But, as opposed to the first sub-species, he seeks to animate others with his demented energy, grandiose plans, and megalomaniacal self-perception. An adrenaline junkie, his world is a whirlwind of comings and goings, reunions and separations, loves and hates, vocations adopted and discarded, schemes erected and dismantled, enemies turned friends and vice versa. His Universe is equally a theatre, but a more ferocious and chaotic one.

Where is love in all this? Where is the commitment to the loved one's welfare, the discipline, the extension of oneself to incorporate the beloved, the mutual growth?

Nowhere to be seen. The narcissist's "love" is hate and fear disguised �?/SPAN> fear of losing control and hatred of the very people his precariously balanced personality so depends on. The narcissist is egotistically committed only to his own well-being. To him, the objects of his "love" are interchangeable and inferior.

He idealizes his nearest and dearest not because he is smitten by emotion �?/SPAN> but because he needs to captivate them and to convince himself that they are worthy Sources of Supply, despite their flaws and mediocrity. Once he deems them useless, he discards and devalues them similarly cold-bloodedly. A predator, always on the lookout, he debases the coin of "love" as he corrupts everything else in himself and around him.

Take care.

Sam

Hi, VenomVsValor

I don't know. Could be either:

 

Hi, Dr. Vaknin, thanks for the links.  They have been very insightful...

 

I realized today that I was looking for another label with question 4.  I wrote the questions two weeks ago so I was not at the same stage I am at now, so I think my question would have been different given this.  I probably would have asked, why did I continue contact with this person?  Even though I was snowed by her in the beginning, the inconsistencies started popping up within two weeks.  I think you would have posted the same links, however.

 

And having read the information, I can see that I continued contact because I became "addicted" to the drama--the highs and lows of N-ism.  In addition, she was an extention of him while at the same time being the only sanity in the insanity.  Some clarity: 

 

The extention of him--I was not receiving any contact from him, but I was getting lots from her--and she was very much like him.  Right away, a sort of bonding occurred between she and I because we had many surface similarities--same college degrees, same likes and dislikes, used the same style of speaking, very close in age (he told me he thought she was me pretending to be someone else).  When I questioned her reality, she broke contact, then later discarded me when I was not going to provide her with what she needed. 

 

You said in FAQ 42, "Narcissism is contagious and that many victims tend to become narcissists themselves: malevolent, vicious, lacking empathy, egotistical, exploitative, violent and abusive." 

 

This could be the case, but it could also be the case that she is as you say in FAQ 68, "Others develop persecutory delusions, thus incorporating the imaginary narcissist into their lives as an ominous and dark presence. This ensures "his" continued "interest" in them �?however malevolent and threatening that "interest" is perceived to be. These are radical denial mechanisms, which border on the psychotic and often dissolve into brief psychotic micro-episodes." 

 

But I will never know for certain, and it's not important to label her anymore.

 

The only sanity in the insanity--I knew that he had slept with her, just days after telling me that he loved me and I was his world, and that was a certainty.  I knew so few "truths" about him that having this one truth come out of the dark made me cling to it so that I could find other truths.

 

In FAQ 38, you wrote:

 

 

I have wondered whether he took out his anger on her for being "caught" and then punished by the Army for his "affair" with me.  Once his wife went to his commanding officer with the evidence, he was stripped of his security clearance, fired from his intelligence position at the NASA, and made to perform maintenance tasks.  I can imagine that he was humiliated.  Though his treatment of her, as told by her, was not something I could fathom, I now have to remove the blinders.  He could have and he did.  (I'm not exonerating her, however--the inconsistencies still remain.)  And I have to believe that he did that out of anger over me getting him "caught" (he indicated that all of this was my fault in a post I read online) and as a flagrant violation of his punishment from the Army.  But also to punish himself for allowing this to happen.

 

He might have also done this to hurt his wife, who, as I was told by the Army, started the herpes chain, as well as the punishment chain.  I'm not sure of their relationship dynamic, I only spoke with her twice, but I am sensing that it was one of convenience with a little bit of Nism going on in there.  I strongly suspect that it got passed around because of his actions with me.  Punishment from link to link.

 

Alot of supposition going on here, but I feel confident about the accuracy of it.

Dr. Vaknin, I have to say reading some of the information regarding the victims of Narcissists was a little scary.  I did indeed see elements of myself.  Thankfully, the codependency and Inverted Narcissism does not apply to me (unless I am in some serious denial).
 
In FAQ 6  you wrote:
 
"A natural selection process occurs only much later, as the relationship develops and is put to the test....She (or, more rarely, he) is moulded by the relationship into The Typical Narcissistic Mate/Partner/Spouse."

Yes, I can see how this applies.  After two and a half months I was told that he was leaving on a "mission" and all of his previous "girlfriends" had failed to maintain contact with him through times of deployment--or so he says.  So I made sure that he received letters and sent a care package.  After finding out that he was married, I deduced that my maintaining contact was a test of some sort.  Now I see that I was right.  But I believe it was more of a test to see if I would allow myself to be placed on the backburner--as another woman that I know of has been for atleast two years (I wonder if she is still being a sucker?  Quite possibly.)--rather than as a front runner.  But it could also have been as it is in FAQ 80:

"The narcissist INITIATES his own abandonment BECAUSE of his fear of it. He is so afraid of losing his sources (and of unconsciously being emotionally hurt) �?that he would rather "control", "master", or "direct" the potentially destabilising situation �?than confront its effects if initiated by the significant other...BUT, if the narcissist initiated and directed his abandonment, if the abandonment is perceived by him to be a goal HE set to himself to achieve �?he can and does avoid all these untoward consequences."

At the beginning of our "relationship" (I think you have it right--it's an interaction), he told me that he volunteered to be deployed at any time and as such he could be gone for 6 months to a year at any given time.  He spent an hour during our first weekend explaining this to me.  So I have been saying that he set me up for abandonment from the beginning.

"First and foremost, the narcissist's partner must have a deficient or a distorted grasp of her self and of reality...the typical partner also does not know what she wants and, to a large extent, who she is and what she wants to become."

I have been saying that this does not apply to me.  But then I took a good look at myself.  I have always had issues with my body, even when I had not an once of body fat to be seen and was very fit.  I consider myself to be okay looking, but have been described as beautiful a few times and as "hot" alot (blinders on for these people).  I do not consider myself to be that intelligent, yet I have four degrees--BA, BS, MSM, JD.  And yet I have absolutely no idea what I want to do in life, what I want to "become."  I went 31 years without "needing" a man (yes, I dated a few) and never had a serious relationship--Xxx was my first, in all things.  This might be because of my ex-stepfather who has N-traits, okay, no might about it, it was because of him and the need to avoid any male like him.  How's that for a perfect victim?

"These unanswered questions hamper the partner's ability to gauge reality, evaluate and appraise it for what it is. Her primordial sin is that she fell in love with an image, not with a real person. It is the voiding of the image that is mourned when the relationship ends..."

I have been comparing finding out what he was really all about to him dying.  And I have been haunted by his ghost, and not a friendly one.  But it's not just a simple death.  It's the death of a man who has been living a double life, and I as a "widow" have been trying to discover what that other life was so that I can know the extent of my humiliation and foolishness.  Essentially, I was mourning me...the death of my innocence and my pride and my trust.

I can relate to many things you wrote in "Back to La La Land," but what's important is that I realized that I "won," not him.  He didn't succeed in sweeping me off my feet, but he did convince me to meet with him on his Birthday.  I told him it would not change anything, I did not see him in my future.  He was persistent though.  He showed up with roses and a card.  Didn't work.  I chose sanity and reality.  Yes, he still haunted me, and that's why I'm here, but I chose me.

Phases in the Aftermath:

"It would seem that while the victim progresses from denial to helplessness, rage, depression and thence to acceptance of the traumatizing events - society demonstrates a diametrically opposed progression. This incompatibility, this mismatch of psychological phases is what leads to the formation and crystallization of trauma."

The Phases you have laid out are indeed how I have proceeded through this.  Fortunately, my "society"--family and friends--has embraced me, listening to me for hours on end trying to figure all of this out.  Only one person trivialized it and I gave them the boot.  They all saw me in my frantic paranoia phase, in my rage against the machine, and in my super depressive state.  After almost a year of dealing with this, his last contact drove me to suicidal thoughts.  I reached out to my "society" and I prayed long and hard, and I made it through.  And I am here:

"But, having ridden [her]self of more primitive narcissistic defences - the victim can do without society's acceptance, approval, or look. Having endured the purgatory of grieving, [s]he has now re-acquired [her] self, independent of society's acknowledgement."

And, finally, in FAQ 80:

"To preserve one's mental health �?one must abandon the narcissist. One must move on.  Moving on is a process, not a decision or an event. First, one has to acknowledge and accept reality. It is a volcanic, shattering, agonising series of little, nibbling, thoughts and strong resistances. Once the battle is won, and harsh and painful realities are assimilated, one can move on to the learning phase.  We label. We assemble material. We gather knowledge. We compare experiences. We digest. We have insights.  Then we decide and we act. This is "to move on". Having gathered sufficient emotional sustenance, support and confidence �?we face the battlefields of our relationships, fortified and nurtured. This stage characterises those who do not mourn �?but fight; do not grieve �?but replenish their self-esteem; do not hide �?but seek; do not freeze �?but move on."