|
|
Reply
| | From: ·TammyJo· (Original Message) | Sent: 25/04/2004 8:15 p.m. |
My story.
I’m Japanese and while I was working in the manufacturing plant, I was very attracted to the machinist there. (I will call him S from here after.) I was told that S was married and a family man. S was with the fundamental Christian organization, he was a youth minister and he was helping troubled young people. Shortly after he was offered to preach in Jamaica, he got promoted to supervisor in our work area. (He does not have a college degree but he is a brilliant person.) He decided, not to go to Jamaica to preach but took this new position at work. He became my superior and he knew I was very attracted him. Till then S lead a very strict Christian life but he came out of it and started to drink and smoke marijuana with his wife who used to home school children. S and his wife were very much interested in having threesome with me, so he put his wife up to see if I was interested. Of course if I could get close to him I would be interested in, I was divorced and unattached I didn’t have anything to lose. However, I asked his wife to think things through about it. She came back and said whatever makes S happy she is ok with it. Well, we had threesome 2 times; she started to come around my apartment more and started to tell me that she was attracted to her husband’s best friend. She wanted to marry him and go off to the country side. She asked me if something should happen to her, I could take care of S. I said I would. S and I started to see sexually with his wife’s consent regularly. More and more I was drawn to him. Then, all of the sudden, his wife left him abruptly leaving her 3 children with him. I started to get involved more and more with his family, and moved in with him for 3 months. During that time he drank heavily and didn’t take care of his children and he slept with many women from work since they are readily available to him. As long as I know he has never cultivated any of his relationship with women. I moved out of his house because his kids were violating my private space and stealing my belongings. He got divorced but he was extremely and visibly uncomfortable when his ex-w was present. I was never invited to his daughter’s wedding, he said to me the night before the wedding, “You don’t mind if you are not going to the wedding, my ex-w is going to be there, and I thought you would be uncomfortable.�?nbsp; Even though his ex-w got remarried, divorced and formed the relationship with a woman he is so uncomfortable around her. His ex-w threw his 40th birthday party and he didn’t even think about calling me to join the party. He continued to perform well at work despite his dysfunctional family life. He would leave me home with his kids and went out to drink till he was dangerously drunk everyday. He did not treat me as his partner in public, he was very secretive about it. I thought he was thinking about not making a big deal since he was my superior at work. He got promoted to the plant manager position in the different plant, which means that we can go public now, I thought. I bought my own house and was enjoying my life. He bought a modest house in rural area and I was not involved in house hunting. I specifically told him prior to buying this house, if he moves to his house there, I would not see him as often. He went ahead and bought this house anyway. Well, he still kept our relationship secret and we continued to live separately for 10 years. We saw each other about twice a week. He spent most of his time golfing and watching golf games on TV and video taped golf games. About 2 years ago he said he wanted to take our relationship to a higher level and asked me to move in with him. I said “Why should I move in with you. I’m happy living here and plus we are not even married.�?nbsp; His answer was “I will marry you if that’s what you want. �?nbsp; I could not believe he is so dependent on me that he would even marry me for it. I suggested the option to him by saying keeping our houses but buy another house near our work place, he said “You are twisting the story, it’s not about you it’s about me.�?BR>I knew I was dealing with a person with NPD. But, our relationship continued till one day he got so drunk at his company party, he went to bed with the woman who is his subordinate. He always spends every Friday at my place. Next day his daughter called asked for him but I didn’t have any clue to where he was. Finally he came over to my house on Sunday, told me that he met some one. (He does everything impulsively, buying a car, motorcycle, and house and going out to eat.) He knew he was still in my relationship but something snapped in his head and did what he did. He said that just the sequence was wrong, that’s all. He said even though he loves me, he doesn’t want to die alone. He needs someone to take care of him and pack his suitcase when he goes on the business trips. I said “No American woman will put up with you with your selfishness.�?His response was “American woman are stupid, she is a Mexican.�?nbsp; He asked me if I still have Japanese traits and I said yes. I guess he was hoping this Mexican lady has her cultural traits that will enable him to do whatever he wants to do. (He said this lady is like me, she doesn’t speak good English either, and he is attracted to ladies with accents. Well, I guess he is confused with foreign accents with codependent nature or something. Just because the foreigner has a different cultural attributes and inclinations, that don’t necessarily mean that, they can be manipulated and treated as a second class citizen either.) He went on to tell me about his explicit sexual dysfunction with her that night. I accepted the parting by saying “I’m not devastated because this would have happened sooner or later.�?nbsp; His response to that was “I wish you are devastated for me.�?nbsp; He has a bond with me and he wanted us to be friends. On the way out he asked me if I could give him a hair cut, I could not believe his insensitivity. We just broke up and he is thinking about him getting a hair cut! He told my co-worker that I was not too upset about the break up and he thinks that I didn’t care about him at all. (I know I gave my best shot at this relationship/arrangement, but in the end I didn’t want to live with him and his dysfunctional family only to be used and be abused by him.) He does not have any empathy for anybody including his own kids, no wonder the family is so dysfunctional. He’s only concern is how to gets his needs met instantly with minimum of effort from him yet he wants to be liked from so many people, his public persona is so very important to him. He is a charming and a charismatic guy in public, but privately, he is very selfish and insensitive to others. People adore him at work and he is moving up on the corporate ladder with unconventional back ground. (From machinist to the plant leader of 450 people) He is exceptionally gifted with business sense. I asked him if he is going back with God, he said “He doesn’t think God will take him back.�?nbsp; He is very somatic and he thinks having sex as an expression of love, yet, he only knows how to masturbate with the other human being. He will get it and that’s the end of it. He still continues to drink even though his driver’s license was suspended for a year after the accident which he fled the scene of accident. Now he is using marijuana to have fun or numbing his senses. I really cared for S, but I can no longer be around him, I look back my 10 plus years with him, how painful and empty those years were, I only recognized and realized these after my separation from him. He is 45 years old I’m 56 years old. Yes, I do have a strong mothering tendency.
My 1st question to Dr. Sam,
Is my ex- B going through his confusion about his spirituality or he is just being himself as N? (He used to live according to the Bible and now he thinks he is not worthy for the God ) Does he know what he is doing is so very selfish and lacking in empathy? Doesn’t he know the joy of giving? Can it be his midlife crisis? |
|
First
Previous
2-11 of 11
Next
Last
|
|
Reply
| | From: samvak | Sent: 26/04/2004 6:31 p.m. |
Dear Miki, welcome aboard. You seem to know a lot about narcissists. There is very little I can add to your knowledge. They alck empathy and know only how to take. When they do give - they do so ostentatiously, in order to derive narcissistic supply from admiring onlookers. God is only another source of narcissistic supply - to be discarded once no longer useful. God is everything the narcissist ever wants to be: omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, admired, much discussed, and awe inspiring. God is the narcissist's wet dream, his ultimate grandiose fantasy. But God comes handy in other ways as well. The narcissist alternately idealizes and devalues figures of authority. In the idealization phase, he strives to emulate them, he admires them, imitate them (often ludicrously), and defends them. They cannot go wrong, or be wrong. The narcissist regards them as bigger than life, infallible, perfect, whole, and brilliant. But as the narcissist's unrealistic and inflated expectations are inevitably frustrated, he begins to devalue his former idols. Now they are "human" (to the narcissist, a derogatory term). They are small, fragile, error-prone, pusillanimous, mean, dumb, and mediocre. The narcissist goes through the same cycle in his relationship with God, the quintessential authority figure. But often, even when disillusionment and iconoclastic despair have set in - the narcissist continues to pretend to love God and follow Him. The narcissist maintains this deception because his continued proximity to God confers on him authority. Priests, leaders of the congregation, preachers, evangelists, cultists, politicians, intellectuals - all derive authority from their allegedly privileged relationship with God. Religious authority allows the narcissist to indulge his sadistic urges and to exercise his misogynism freely and openly. Such a narcissist is likely to taunt and torment his followers, hector and chastise them, humiliate and berate them, abuse them spiritually, or even sexually. The narcissist whose source of authority is religious is looking for obedient and unquestioning slaves upon whom to exercise his capricious and wicked mastery. The narcissist transforms even the most innocuous and pure religious sentiments into a cultish ritual and a virulent hierarchy. He prays on the gullible. His flock become his hostages. Religious authority also secures the narcissist's Narcissistic Supply. His coreligionists, members of his congregation, his parish, his constituency, his audience - are transformed into loyal and stable Sources of Narcissistic Supply. They obey his commands, heed his admonitions, follow his creed, admire his personality, applaud his personal traits, satisfy his needs (sometimes even his carnal desires), revere and idolize him. Moreover, being a part of a "bigger thing" is very gratifying narcissistically. Being a particle of God, being immersed in His grandeur, experiencing His power and blessings first hand, communing with him - are all Sources of unending Narcissistic Supply. The narcissist becomes God by observing His commandments, following His instructions, loving Him, obeying Him, succumbing to Him, merging with Him, communicating with Him - or even by defying him (the bigger the narcissist's enemy - the more grandiosely important the narcissist feels). Like everything else in the narcissist's life, he mutates God into a kind of inverted narcissist. God becomes his dominant Source of Supply. He forms a personal relationship with this overwhelming and overpowering entity - in order to overwhelm and overpower others. He becomes God vicariously, by the proxy of his relationship with Him. He idealizes God, then devalues Him, then abuses Him. This is the classic narcissistic pattern and even God himself cannot escape it. Is it a midlife crisis? The sometimes severe crises experienced by persons of both sexes in middle age (a.k.a. the "midlife crisis" or the "change of life") is a much discussed though little understood phenomenon. It is not even certain that the beast exists. Women go through menopause between the ages of 42-48. The amount of the hormone oestrogen decreases sharply, important parts of the reproductive system shrink and menstruation ceases. The woman suffers "hot flashes" and a thinning and fracturing of her bones. The "male menopause" is a more contentious issue. Men do experience a gradual decline in testosterone levels but nothing as sharp as the woman's deterioration of her oestrogen supply. No one has proven any between these physiological and hormonal developments and the mythical "midlife crisis". This fabled crisis has to do with the gap between earlier plans, dreams and aspirations �?and reality. The lack of satisfaction with life, career, or spouse that sets in has to do with this gap. People get more disappointed and disillusioned with age. They understand that they are not likely to have a second chance, that they largely missed the train, that their dreams will remain just that. They have nothing to look forward to. They feel spent, bored, fatigued and trapped. Some adults make a transition. They define new goals, look for new partners, form new families, engage in new hobbies, change vocation and avocation alike, or relocate. They regenerate and reinvent themselves and the structures of their lives. Others just grow bitter. Unable to face the shambles that is their life, they resort to alcoholism, workaholism, emotional absence, abandonment, escapism, degeneration or inactivity. Another pillar of discontent is the predictability of adult life. Following a brief flurry of excitement and vigour, of dreams and hopes and aspirations �?we succumb to and sink into the grey dust of mediocrity. The mundane engulfs us and digests us. The routine consumes our energy and leaves us dilapidated and empty. We know what awaits us and this knowledge of the almost inevitable is maddening. Paradoxically, the narcissist is best equipped to successfully tackle both problems. The narcissist keeps dreaming, hoping, planning, conspiring, scheming and fighting all his life. To him, there is no reality with its sobering feedback. He occupies a world of his own where hope springs eternal. It is a world of serendipity and auspiciousness, of lucky chances and coincidences, of major downs and uplifting ups. It is an unpredictable, titillating, exciting world. The narcissist may feel bored for long stretches of time but only because he anticipates inevitable excitement. The narcissist lives in a constant midlife crisis. His reality (no matter what it is) is always way short of his dreams and aspirations. He survives in a constant Grandiosity Gap �?the same Gap that plagues the healthy midlife adult. He is used to being disappointed and disillusioned. He brings it upon himself by devaluing persons and situations that he previously idealised. The narcissist regularly employs a host of mechanisms to cope with this simmering, festering incessant "crisis". Cognitive dissonance, over- and de- valuation cycles, abrupt changes in moods, behaviour patterns, goals, companions, mates, jobs and locations are the narcissist's daily bread and escapist weapons. So, whereas the healthy and mature adult confronts the abyss between his image of himself and his real self, his dreams and his achievements, his fantasyland and his reality only late in life �?the narcissist does so constantly. The healthy and mature adult recoils from and is abhorred by the predictability of his routine revealed to him so late. The narcissist's life is not predictable or routine in any sense of the word. The mature 40+ years old adult tries to remedy the structural and emotional deficits of his existence either by a renewed commitment to it or by a cataclysmic break with it. The narcissist so regularly and habitually does both that they lose all their "structural" meaning and become flitting images. The narcissist's life structures are so flexible that they do not exist, his routine so riddled with surprises and changes of course that it is not predictable, his grandiose fantasies so far from his reality that even his disillusionment and disappointments are so fantastic that they are easily overcome. Soon enough the narcissist is engaged in a new project, as exciting, as grandiose and as impossible as any before. The gap between his fantasyland and his reality is so yawning that he chooses to ignore his reality. He recruits people around him to affirm his choice and to confirm to him that reality is unreal and his fantasyland is reality. It is counterproductive and self-defeating, but it is also a perfect defence. The narcissist does not go through a midlife crisis. Forever the child, forever dreaming and fantasising, forever begging for accolades, the narcissist's sad figure inhabits the twilight zone between sanity and its absence. More here: http://samvak.tripod.com/journal54.html http://samvak.tripod.com/journal42.html http://samvak.tripod.com/journal60.html http://samvak.tripod.com/faq32.html http://samvak.tripod.com/journal69.html Take care there. Sam |
|
Reply
| |
Why S is so uncomfortable around his ex-wife, they have been divorced for 14 years. When I told him that I think he has not completely divorced from his wife after all these years. His answer was " I don't think I want to f**k her or anything, but I'm divorced emotionally." His ex-w turned lesbian but she still gives him birthday party with play boy bunnies and erotic dancer stuff. I was not invited to any of the functions where his ex-w was present. Is it because we had the threesomes in the past and he was seeing me post divorce, he is still uncomfortable with the presence of his ex--w? What is going on in his head when he sees his ex-w? |
|
Reply
| | From: samvak | Sent: 27/04/2004 6:05 p.m. |
Dear Miki, Narcissists are very reluctant to lose sources of supply in whom they have "invested" so much. Cultivating and conditioning (programming, brainwashing) a source of supply is a tedious and long process. Thus, the narcissist is loth to introduce two competing sources of supply to each other - or invite them to the same function - for fear of losing both or one of them. Narcissists are paranoids and they compartmentalize their lives. Secrecy is of paramount importance. It is a form of control. More about these issues: Take care. Sam |
|
Reply
| |
What was his reasoning for so secretive about our relationship. When I asked him "Are you embarrass by me or something?" His response was "It's none of other people's business what I do with my private life. I don't go around telling these things." He never willingly took me along for the company party. Was he keeping eye on another potential NP by pretending that he is unattached? When he met his new lady from work, he is not very secretive about his relationship at all. Possibly, she holds higher position than I do and she is more educated than he is? She is attractive and smart, he has never dated anyone like that in the past and she was so willing for him. Yet at the recent funeral, he was standing about 10ft away from me looking so uncomfortable ( I deliverately ignored him but stole the glances), finally he came over from my behind, gave my shoulder a hug. That was my first encounter with him after the break up, I didn't even look at his face nor acknowledge his hug, instead I just pivoted my body away from him and kept on talking to my friends. My behavior was so cold and intentional, he just walked away according to my friends. I was furious that he never did anything like that when we were in the relationship, now we are apart and he has an audience that he can show off his caring toward me. Does N change his behavior like chameleon to suit his whims or situations? |
|
Reply
| | From: samvak | Sent: 28/04/2004 11:53 a.m. |
Dear Miki, We all - narcissists or not - modify our behaviors to suit changing circumstances and different types of interpersonal interactions. What sets normal people apart from the narcissist is that they have an immutable core, a definite nucleus, a crystallized identity - and he does not. Instead, narcissists have a chameleon-like, opportunistic, False Self that is addicted to Narcissistic Supply. Narcissists, in other words, are not continuous. In the absence of a self, there are no likes or dislikes, preferences, predictable behaviour or characteristics? It is not possible to know the narcissist. There is no one there. The narcissist was conditioned - from an early age of abuse and trauma - to expect the unexpected. His was a world in motion where (sometimes sadistically) capricious caretakers and peers often engaged in arbitrary behaviour. He was trained to deny his True Self and nurture a False one. Having invented himself, the narcissist sees no problem in re-inventing that which he designed in the first place. The narcissist is his own creator. Hence his grandiosity. Moreover, the narcissist is a man for all seasons, forever adaptable, constantly imitating and emulating, a human sponge, a perfect mirror, a non-entity that is, at the same time, all entities combined. The narcissist is best described by Heidegger's phrase: "Being and Nothingness". Into this reflective vacuum, this sucking black hole, the narcissist attracts the Sources of his Narcissistic Supply. To an observer, the narcissist appears to be fractured or discontinuous. Pathological narcissism has been compared to the Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly the Multiple Personality Disorder). By definition, the narcissist has at least two selves. His personality is very primitive and disorganized. Living with a narcissist is a nauseating experience not only because of what he is - but because of what he is NOT. He is not a fully formed human - but a dizzyingly kaleidoscopic gallery of mercurial images, which melt into each other seamlessly. It is incredibly disorienting. It is also exceedingly problematic. Promises made by the narcissist are easily disowned by him. His plans are ephemeral. His emotional ties - a simulacrum. Most narcissists have one island of stability in their life (spouse, family, their career, a hobby, their religion, country, or idol) - pounded by the turbulent currents of a dishevelled existence. Thus, to invest in a narcissist is a purposeless, futile and meaningless activity. To the narcissist, every day is a new beginning, a hunt, a new cycle of idealization or devaluation, a newly invented self. There is no accumulation of credits or goodwill because the narcissist has no past and no future. He occupies an eternal and timeless present. He is a fossil caught in the frozen lava of a volcanic childhood. The narcissist does not keep agreements, does not adhere to laws, regards consistency and predictability as demeaning traits. The narcissist hates kiwi one day - and devours it passionately the next. You can learn about the inner world of the narcissist here: http://samvak.tripod.com/journal1.html http://samvak.tripod.com/msla.html Take care. Sam |
|
Reply
| 0 recommendations | Message 7 of 11 in Discussion |
| | Sent: 28/04/2004 1:51 p.m. |
This message has been deleted by the author. |
|
Reply
| |
I'm amazed at his impulsiveness and risk taking nature. He buys anything he wants to have on impulse, his BMW, expensive SUB, Harley Davidson bike, best golf equipment's, etc., He will not spend money on his children or on me like he does on himself. His kids are deprived of fundamental things like food and clothes. They live in poverty level while he makes tons of money. At our company business meeting off site, he used to come to my hotel room to spend the nights with me entire duration of the meeting. I guess he thought he could get away with it since no one knew about our relationship at work. He takes chances on a lot of things that normal people would think twice about. He got so drunk one night, he slept on the side walk like a homeless person and was expecting me to pick him up, when I refused, he accused me of not caring/not loving him. One night after his drinking binge, he got in a car accident, he knew that he was so intoxicated so he left the scene of the accident without checking the other person, he felt bad about it and he promised himself not to drink ever again. Not even 1 week passed he started to go out and drink again, saying he can't wait to get his license back, so he can legally go out drinking. When he drinks he doesn't know his limit. He also uses marijuana, thinking that he can get high without a hangover. He told me to make sure no one at work knows about this habit. I know his indulgent nature in all other aspects of life also. He used to tell me that it is a privilege to be with him. Does N think that he is entitled to everything he wants from everyone in life or just people closest to him? |
|
Reply
| | From: samvak | Sent: 29/04/2004 4:45 p.m. |
Dear Miki, Entitlement is one of the (important) criteria for diagnosing someone with NPD. See this: More about entitlement: Recklessness and impulsivity are also typical of the narcissist: Pathological narcissism is an addiction to Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist's drug of choice. It is, therefore, not surprising that other addictive and reckless behaviours �?workaholism, alcoholism, drug abuse, pathological gambling, compulsory shopping, or reckless driving �?piggyback on this primary dependence. The narcissist �?like other types of addicts �?derives pleasure from these exploits. But they also sustain and enhance his grandiose fantasies as "unique", "superior", "entitled", and "chosen". They place him above the laws and pressures of the mundane and away from the humiliating and sobering demands of reality. They render him the centre of attention �?but also place him in "splendid isolation" from the madding and inferior crowd. Such compulsory and wild pursuits provide a psychological exoskeleton. They are a substitute to quotidian existence. They afford the narcissist with an agenda, with timetables, goals, and faux achievements. The narcissist �?the adrenaline junkie �?feels that he is in control, alert, excited, and vital. He does not regard his condition as dependence. The narcissist firmly believes that he is in charge of his addiction, that he can quit at will and on short notice. The narcissist denies his cravings for fear of "losing face" and subverting the flawless, perfect, immaculate, and omnipotent image he projects. When caught red handed, the narcissist underestimates, rationalises, or intellectualises his addictive and reckless behaviours �?converting them into an integral part of his grandiose and fantastic False Self. Thus, a drug abusing narcissist may claim to be conducting first hand research for the benefit of humanity �?or that his substance abuse results in enhanced creativity and productivity. The dependence of some narcissists becomes a way of life: busy corporate executives, race car drivers, or professional gamblers come to mind. The narcissist's addictive behaviours take his mind off his inherent limitations, inevitable failures, painful and much-feared rejections, and the Grandiosity Gap �?the abyss between the image he projects (the False Self) and the injurious truth. They relieve his anxiety and resolve the tension between his unrealistic expectations and inflated self-image �?and his incommensurate achievements, position, status, recognition, intelligence, wealth, and physique. Thus, there is no point in treating the dependence and recklessness of the narcissist without first treating the underlying personality disorder. The narcissist's addictions serve deeply ingrained emotional needs. They intermesh seamlessly with the pathological structure of his disorganised personality, with his character faults, and primitive defence mechanisms. Techniques such as "12 steps" may prove more efficacious in treating the narcissist's grandiosity, rigidity, sense of entitlement, exploitativeness, and lack of empathy. This is because �?as opposed to traditional treatment modalities �?the emphasis is on tackling the narcissist's psychological makeup, rather than on behaviour modification. The narcissist's overwhelming need to feel omnipotent and superior can be co-opted in the therapeutic process. Overcoming an addictive behaviour can be �?truthfully �?presented by the therapist as a rare and impressive feat, worthy of the narcissist's unique mettle. Narcissists fall for these transparent pitches surprisingly often. But this approach can backfire. Should the narcissist relapse �?an almost certain occurrence �?he will feel ashamed to admit his fallibility, need for emotional sustenance, and impotence. He is likely to avoid treatment altogether and convince himself that now, having succeeded once to get rid of his addiction, he is self-sufficient and omniscient. Take care. Sam |
|
Reply
| |
I never saw any of his friend (if he has one) visited him in entire duration of our relationship. He socializes with work friends, but I don't know if he has a true friend. I guess I was his stabilizer and a never ending admirer to whom he can come home to. I adored him and he used it to his advantage without the reciprocation. Is N mostly a loner? Do they have totally different personal life from public one? A long ago, he told me that everyone who got caught in his web it's hard to get out of it. Because once you know him he said, you are hooked with him for a long long time. I guess it was true, I consider myself "independent and sensible individual" I surely got caught up in his web and took me 10 plus years to get out. If he didn't find another NP, I wonder if I was still stuck in his web. I tell myself that this break up was a true blessing in disguise. I learned many valuable lessons from this relationship and hope that I will be able to use this knowledge in everyday life as long as I live. I'm so grateful that I found this web site, I'll tell about this site to everyone who is in a similar situation like I was 3 month ago. Many many thanks, |
|
Reply
| | From: samvak | Sent: 30/04/2004 4:58 p.m. |
Dear Miki, Some narcissists are, indeed, loners ("schizoids") - but most are not. Click here to read the definition of the Schizoid Personality Disorder (SPD) in the DSM-IV-TR [2000]. Or, as the Howard H. Goldman (Ed.) in the "Review of General Psychiatry" [4th Edition. London, Prentice Hall International, 1995] puts it: "The person with Schizoid Personality Disorder sustains a fragile emotional equilibrium by avoiding intimate personal contact and thereby minimising conflict that is poorly tolerated." Schizoids are often described, even by their nearest and dearest, in terms of automata ("robots"). They are uninterested in social relationships or interactions and have a very limited emotional repertoire. It is not that they do not have emotions - but they express them poorly and intermittently. They appear cold and stunted, flat, and "zombie"-like. Consequently, these people are loners. They confide only in first-degree relatives - but maintain no close bonds or associations, not even with their immediate family. Naturally, they gravitate into solitary activities and find solace and safety in being constantly alone and detached from the world. Their sexual experiences are sporadic and limited and, finally, they cease altogether. Schizoids are anhedonic - find nothing pleasurable and attractive - but not necessarily dysphoric (sad or depressed). They pretend to be indifferent to praise, criticism, disagreement, and corrective advice (though, deep inside, they are not). They are creatures of habit, frequently succumbing to rigid, predictable, and narrowly restricted routines. Intuitively, a connection between SPD and NPD seems plausible. After all, NPDs are people who self-sufficiently withdraw from others. They love themselves in lieu of loving others. Lacking empathy, they regard others as mere instruments, objectified "Sources" of Narcissistic Supply. The inverted narcissist (IN) is a narcissist, who "projects" his narcissism onto another narcissist. The mechanism of projective identification allows the IN to experience his own narcissism vicariously, through the agency of a classic narcissist. But the IN is no less a narcissist than the classical one. He is no less socially reclusive. A distinction must be made between social interactions and social relationships. The schizoid, the narcissist and the inverted narcissist �?all interact socially. But they fail to form human and social relationships. The schizoid is uninterested and the narcissist is both uninterested and incapable due to his lack of empathy and pervasive sense of grandiosity. The ethno-psychologist George Devereux [Basic Problems of Ethno-Psychiatry, University of Chicago Press, 1980] proposed to divide the unconscious into the Id (the part that was always instinctual and unconscious) and the "ethnic unconscious" (repressed material that was once conscious). The latter includes all the defence mechanisms and most of the Superego. Culture dictates what is to be repressed. Mental illness is either idiosyncratic (cultural directives are not followed and the individual is unique and schizophrenic) �?or conformist, abiding by the cultural dictates of what is allowed and disallowed. Our culture, according to Christopher Lasch, teaches us to withdraw inwards when confronted with stressful situations. It is a vicious circle. One of the main stressors of modern society is alienation and a pervasive sense of isolation. The solution our culture offers �?to further withdraw �?only exacerbates the problem. Richard Sennett expounded on this theme in "The Fall of Public Man: On the Social Psychology of Capitalism" [Vintage Books, 1978]. One of the chapters in Devereux's aforementioned tome is entitled "Schizophrenia: An Ethnic Psychosis, or Schizophrenia without Tears". To him, the whole USA is afflicted by what came later to be called a "schizoid disorder". C. Fred Alford [in Narcissism: Socrates, the Frankfurt School and Psychoanalytic Theory, Yale University Press, 1988] enumerates the symptoms: "…withdrawal, emotional aloofness, hyporeactivity (emotional flatness), sex without emotional involvement, segmentation and partial involvement (lack of interest and commitment to things outside oneself), fixation on oral-stage issues, regression, infantilism and depersonalisation. These, of course, are many of the same designations that Lasch employs to describe the culture of narcissism. Thus, it appears, that it is not misleading to equate narcissism with schizoid disorder." [Page 19] We have dwelt elsewhere in this book on the developmental phases of the narcissist and on the psychodynamics of narcissistic development, its causes and reactive patterns (see the FAQs "The Narcissist's Mother", "More on the Development of the Narcissist" and "Narcissism �?The Psychopathological Default"). Still, it is worthwhile to study the theoretical foundations of the comparison between narcissism and the schizoid disorder. The first to seriously consider this similarity, if not outright identity, was Melanie Klein. She broke ranks with Freud in that she believed that we are born with a fragile, easily fragmentable, weak and unintegrated Ego. The most primordial human fear is the fear of disintegration (death), according to Klein. Thus, the infant is forced to employ primitive defence mechanisms such as splitting, projection and introjection to cope with this fear (actually, with the result of aggression generated by the Ego). The Ego splits and projects this part (death, disintegration, aggression). It does the same with the life-related, constructive, integrative part of itself. The result of all these mechanics is to view the world as either "good" (satisfying, complying, responding, gratifying) �?or bad (frustrating). Klein called it the good and the bad "breasts". The child then proceeds to introject (internalise and assimilate) the good object while keeping out (=defending against) the bad objects. The good object becomes the nucleus of the forming Ego. The bad object is felt as fragmented. But it has not vanished, it is there. The fact that the bad object is "out there", persecutory, threatening �?gives rise to the first schizoid defence mechanisms, foremost amongst them the mechanism of "projective identification" (so often employed by narcissists). The infant projects parts of himself (his organs, his behaviours, his traits) unto the bad object. This is the famous Kleinian "paranoid-schizoid position". The Ego is split. This is as terrifying as it sounds but it allows the baby to make a clear distinction between the "good object" (inside him) and the "bad object" (out there, split from him). If this phase is not transcended the individual develops schizophrenia and a fragmentation of the self. Around the third or fourth month of life, the infant realises that the good and the bad objects are really facets of one and the same object. He develops the depressive position. This depression [Klein believes that the two positions continue throughout life] is a reaction of fear and anxiety. The infant feels guilty (at his own rage) and anxious (lest his aggression harms the object and eliminates the source of good things). He experiences loss of his own omnipotence since the object is outside his self. The infant wishes to erase the results of his own aggression by "making the object whole again". By recognising the wholeness of other objects �?the infant comes to realise and to experience his own wholeness. The Ego re-integrates. But the transition from the paranoid-schizoid position to the depressive one is by no means smooth and assured. Excess anxiety and envy can delay it or prevent it altogether. Envy seeks to destroy all good objects, so that others don't have them. It, therefore, hinders the split between the good and the bad "breasts". Envy destroys the good object but leaves the persecutory, bad object intact. Moreover, it does not allow the re-integration ["reparation" in Kleinian jargon] to take place. The more whole the object �?the greater the envy. Thus, envy feeds on its own outcomes. The more envy, the less integrated the Ego is, the weaker and more inadequate it is �?the more reason for envying the good object and other people. Envy is the hallmark of narcissism and the prime source of what is known as narcissistic rage. The schizoid self �?fragmented, weak, primitive �?is intimately connected with narcissism through envy. Narcissists prefer to destroy themselves and to deny themselves �?rather than to endure someone else's happiness, wholeness and "triumph". They fail an exam �?to frustrate a teacher they adore and envy. They fail in therapy �?not to give the therapist a reason to feel professionally satisfied. By failing and self-destructing, narcissists deny the worth of others. If the narcissist fails in therapy �?his analyst must be inept. If he destroys himself by consuming drugs �?his parents are blameworthy and should feel guilty and bad. One cannot exaggerate the importance of envy as a motivating power in the narcissist's life. The psychodynamic connection is obvious. Envy is a rage reaction at not controlling or "having" or engulfing the good, desired object. Narcissists defend themselves against this acidulous, corroding sensation by pretending that they DO control, possess and engulf the good object. This is what we call "grandiose fantasies (of omnipotence or omniscience)". But, in doing so, the narcissist MUST deny the existence of any good OUTSIDE himself. The narcissist defends himself against raging, all consuming envy �?by solipsistically claiming to be the ONLY good object in the world. This is an object that cannot be had by anyone, except the narcissist and, therefore, is immune to the narcissist's threatening, annihilating envy. In order not to be "owned" by anyone (and, thus, avoid self-destruction in the hands of his own envy) �?the narcissist reduces others to "non-entities" (the narcissistic solution), or avoids all meaningful contact with them altogether (the schizoid solution). The suppression of envy is at the CORE of the narcissist's being. If he fails to convince his self that he is the ONLY good object in the universe �?he is exposed to his own murderous envy. If there are others out there who are better than he �?he envies them, he lashes out at them ferociously, uncontrollably, madly, hatefully and spitefully. If someone tries to get emotionally intimate with the narcissist �?she threatens the grandiose belief that no one but the narcissist can possess the good object (the narcissist himself). Only the narcissist can own himself, have access to himself, possess himself. This is the only way to avoid seething envy and certain self-annihilation. Perhaps it is clearer now why narcissists react as raving madmen to ANYTHING, however minute, however remote that seems to threaten their grandiose fantasies, the only protective barrier between themselves and their envy. There is nothing new in trying to link narcissism to schizophrenia. Freud did as much in his "On Narcissism" [1914]. Klein's contribution was the introduction of immediately post-natal internal objects. Schizophrenia, she proposed, was a narcissistic and intense relationship with internal objects (such as fantasies or images, including fantasies of grandeur). It was a new language. Freud suggested a transition from (primary, object-less) narcissism (self-directed libido) to objects relations (objects directed libido). Klein suggested a transition from internal objects to external ones. While Freud thought that the common denominator of narcissism and schizoid phenomena was a withdrawal of libido from the world �?Klein suggested it was a fixation on an early phase of relating to internal objects. But is the difference not merely a question of terminology? "The term 'narcissism' tends to be employed diagnostically by those proclaiming loyalty to the drive model [Otto Kernberg and Edith Jacobson, for instance �?SV] and mixed model theorists [Kohut], who are interested in preserving a tie to drive theory. 'Schizoid' tends to be employed diagnostically by adherents of relational models [Fairbairn, Guntrip], who are interested in articulating their break with drive theory�?These two differing diagnoses and accompanying formulations are applied to patients who are essentially similar, by theorists who start with very different conceptual premises and ideological affiliations." (Greenberg and Mitchell. Object Relations in Psychoanalytic Theory. Harvard University Press, 1983) Klein, in effect, said that drives (e.g., the libido) are relational flows. A drive is the mode of relationship between an individual and his objects (internal and external). Thus, a retreat from the world [Freud] into internal objects [object relations theorists and especially the British school of Fairbairn and Guntrip] �?IS the drive itself. Drives are orientations (to external or internal objects). Narcissism is an orientation (a preference, we could say) towards internal objects �?the very definition of schizoid phenomena. This is why narcissists feel empty, fragmented, "unreal" (movie-like) and diffuse. It is because their Ego is still split (never integrated) and because they withdrew from the world (of external objects). Kernberg identifies these internal objects with which the narcissist maintains a special relationship with the idealised, grandiose images of the narcissist's parents. He believes that the narcissist's very Ego (self-representation) fused with these parental images. Fairbairn's work �?even more than Kernberg's, not to mention Kohut's �?integrates all these insights into a coherent framework. Guntrip elaborated on it and together they created one of the most impressive theoretical bodies in the history of psychology. Fairbairn internalised Klein's insights that drives are object-orientated and their goal is the formation of relationships and not primarily the attainment of pleasure. Pleasurable sensations are the means to achieve relationships. The Ego does not seek to be stimulated and pleased but to find the right, "good", supporting object. The infant is fused with his Primary Object, the mother. Life is not about using objects for pleasure under the supervision of the Ego and Superego, as Freud postulated. Life is about separating, differentiating, achieving independence from the Primary Object and the initial state of fusion with it. Dependence on internal objects is narcissism. Freud's post-narcissistic (anaclitic) phase of life can be either dependent (immature) or mature. The newborn's Ego is looking for objects with which to form relationships. Inevitably, some of these objects and some of these relationships frustrate the infant and disappoint him. He compensates for these setbacks by creating compensatory internal objects. The initially unitary Ego thus fragments into a growing group of internal objects. Reality breaks our hearts and minds, according to Fairbairn. The Ego and its objects are "twinned" and the Ego is split in three [Guntrip added a fourth Ego]. A schizoid state ensues. The "original" (Freudian or libidinal) Ego is unitary, instinctual, needy and object seeking. It then fragments as a result of the three typical interactions with the mother (gratification, disappointment and deprivation). The central Ego idealises the "good" parents. It is conformist and obedient. The antilibidinal Ego is a reaction to frustrations. It is rejecting, harsh, unsatisfying, against natural needs. The libidinal Ego is the seat of cravings, desires and needs. It is active in that it keeps seeking objects to form relationships with. Guntrip added the regressed Ego, which is the True Self in "cold storage", the "lost heart of the personal self". Fairbairn's definition of psychopathology is quantitative. Which parts of the Ego are dedicated to relationships with internal objects rather than with external ones (e.g., real people)? In other words: how fragmented (=how schizoid) is the Ego? To achieve a successful transition from internal objects to external ones �?the child needs the right parents (in Winnicott parlance, the "good enough mother" �?not perfect, but "good enough"). The child internalises the bad aspects of his parents in the form of internal, bad objects and then proceeds to suppress them, together ("twinned") with portions of his Ego. Thus, his parents become PART of the child (though a repressed part). The more bad objects are repressed, the "less Ego is left" for healthy relationships with external objects. To Fairbairn, the source of all psychological disturbances is in these schizoid phenomena. Later developments (such as the Oedipus Complex) are less crucial. Fairbairn and Guntrip think that if a person is too attached to his compensatory internal objects �?he finds it hard to mature psychologically. Maturing is about letting go of internal objects. Some people just don't want to mature, or are reluctant to do so, or are ambivalent about it. This reluctance, this withdrawal to an internal world of representations, internal objects and broken Ego �?is narcissism itself. Narcissists simply don't know how to be themselves, how to acquire independence and, simultaneously manage their relationships with other people. Both Otto Kernberg and Franz Kohut agreed that narcissism is between neurosis and psychosis. Kernberg thought that it was a borderline phenomenon, on the verge of psychosis (where the Ego is completely shattered). In this respect Kernberg, more than Kohut, identifies narcissism with schizoid phenomena and with schizophrenia. This is not the only difference between them. They also disagree on the developmental locus of narcissism. Kohut thinks that narcissism is an early phase of development, fossilised, forever to be repeated (gigantic repetition complex) while Kernberg maintains that the narcissistic self is pathological from its very inception. Kohut believes that the narcissist's parents provided him with no assurances that he does possess a self (in his words, with no self-object). They did not explicitly recognise the child's nascent self, its separate existence, its boundaries. The child learned to have a schizoid, split, fragmented self �?rather than a coherent ad integrated one. To him, narcissism is really all-pervasive, at the very core of being (whether in its mature form, as self-love, or in it regressive, infantile form as a narcissistic disorder). Kernberg regards "mature narcissism" (also espoused by neo-Freudians like Grunberger and Chasseguet-Smirgel) as a contradiction in terms, an oxymoron. He observes that narcissists are already grandiose and schizoid (detached, cold, aloof, asocial) at an early age (at three years old, according to him!). Like Klein, Kernberg believes that narcissism is a last ditch effort (defence) to halt the emergence of the paranoid-schizoid position described by Klein. In an adult such an emergence is known as "psychosis" and this is why Kernberg classifies narcissists as borderline (almost) psychotics. Even Kohut, who is an opponent of Kernberg's classification, uses Eugene O'Neill's famous sentence [in "The Great God Brown"]: "Man is born broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is glue." Kernberg himself sees a clear connection between schizoid phenomena (such as alienation in modern society and subsequent withdrawal) and narcissistic phenomena (inability to form relationships or to make commitments or to empathise). Fred Alford in "Narcissism: Socrates, the Frankfurt School and Psychoanalytic Theory" [Yale University Press, 1988] wrote: "Fairbairn and Guntrip represent the purest expression of object relations theory, which is characterised by the insight that real relationships with real people build psychic structure. Although they rarely mention narcissism, they see a schizoid split in the self as characteristic of virtually all-emotional disorder. It is Greenberg and Mitchell, in Object Relations in Psychoanalytic Theory who establish the relevance of Fairbairn and Guntrip �?by pointing out that what American analysts label 'narcissism', British analysts tend to call 'Schizoid Personality Disorder'. This insight allows us to connect the symptomatology of narcissism �?feelings of emptiness, unreality, alienation and emotional withdrawal �?with a theory that sees such symptoms as an accurate reflection of the experience of being split-off from a part of oneself. That narcissism is such a confusing category is in large part because its drive-theoretic definition, the libidinal cathexis of the self �?in a word, self-love �?seems far removed from the experience of narcissism, as characterised by a loss of, or split-in, the self. Fairbairn's and Guntrip's view of narcissism as an excessive attachment of the Ego to internal objects (roughly analogous to Freud's narcissistic, as opposed to object, love), resulting in various splits in the Ego necessary to maintain these attachments, allows us to penetrate this confusion." [Page 67] Also read Grandiosity Hangover and Narcissistic Baiting The Delusional Way Out To Age with Grace I enjoyed working with you and I hope that you found our correspondence of some use. Take care. Sam |
|
First
Previous
2-11 of 11
Next
Last
|
|