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| | From:  -Tammy_S- (Original Message) | Sent: 21/06/2004 1:32 a.m. |
Hello, my name is Brenda and this is my story. I first met Nick, a doctor, in 1988 because of some medical problems. I had heard wonderful things about him and was very hopeful that he could resolve my health issues. When I went into his office, he said probably all I had was a chronic sinus infection. he said, "That's the problem with people like you. I can't make any money off you." I was kind of shocked at this, but went along with a sinus X-ray and other medical testing he had suggested. All of the tests came back negative and we were back to square one. Nick took a great deal of interest in my case, and I mistook this for interest in me as a person. I continued seeing him on a weekly basis, running tests, and trying to unravel my health mysteries. After months of office visits, we ended up becoming involved romantically. We were both married to other people. My husband was complaining bitterly about the money spent on the medical testing (even though we had insurance and the cost out of pocket was minimal). Nick suggested that I do some secretarial work for him in exchange for te medical treatment. I was enthusiastic at this point in time. He was not a conventional doctor, he was interested in avant-garde medical practices, and was in the process of getting a hyperbaric oxygen chamber for his office. I eagerly agreed to try the hyperbaric oxygen and everything else he could come up with. He convinced me that he was on the cutting edge of important medical discoveries. When the dust settled months later, I had accepted $10,000 worth of medical treatments, and my condition had not improved. Because the work I was doing was menial, I was only getting "paid" the equivalent of $10.00 per hour toward the bill. My heart sank, I was SO disappointed. Nick said, "Wow, it's great to have a work slave." None of the services he had provided were covered by insurance, so I was "on the hook" for the entire amount. Because I was so sickly, I was only able to work a few hours a week. I worked off the entire bill, but it took me nearly three years. I had learned my lesson, and did not accept any more medical treatment from Nick unless he gave it to me free of charge. To make matters worse, Nick's wife ran the front office and had taken an intense dislike to me. I witnessed first-hand her cheating the staff and other patients, and she resented my working because she wanted the money. She tried to drive me out of the office when I came in to work. I told Nick about her cheating people, but he didn't care. She thought that if she could discourage me from working, I would pay my bill off in cash. I glumly hung in there and kept working. I had not counted on this extra interference with me trying to do my work. It caused extra stress, and negatively impacted my health. I complained to Nick about it, and he just said, "Oh, she always tries to run off pretty young girls." Even after all of this, I was still interested in maintaining the romantic relationship with Nick, and I didn't want to be accused of bailing out on my work commitment. Several years had passed by this time, and Nick was losing interest in my case. Now he was interested in a new "cure-all" which was Human Growth Hormone. Supposedly this was the next great medical thing I was supposed to try. I refused the treatment, having been burned very badly before. I noticed that Nick was constantly talking about great new strides he was making in medicine, and talked about possibly winning a Nobel Prize for science. He spent every spare moment doing research. After knowing him for so long, I began to question whether he was really as brilliant as he claimed to be. I also had the opportunity to observe him and his family from the sidelines. Nick and his wife were both extremely bad money managers. They lurched from one financial disaster to the next, and never seemed to get on their feet, despite having many thousands of dollars coming in. Nick blamed his wife, but I now think he may have been equally to blame. He insisted on buying a new $60,000 car he couldn't afford because the seat cushion in his older car "wasn't comfortable." They regularly had collection agencies calling for one thing or another, and it never seemed to bother either one of them. They did end up having one of their cars repossessed in 2001. I was horrified by this, but they didn't care. Despite all of the negatives, I was still enjoying the romantic relationship. Without trying to make this an X-rated story, I would like to say something about Nick's performance in bed. When I first met him, I thought that a doctor would have so much knowledge about the human body, he would be a better lover than an "ordinary" man. I was horrified at the nonchalant, "hop-on-hop-off" method of lovemaking, seeming to have no understanding of what a woman needed or wanted. It wasn't even lovemaking, he was just relieving himself. He insisted that women don't need to have orgasms. I couldn't resist a bit of sarcasm at this point. I said, "Is that what they teach you in medical school?" I told him that his "performance" was completely unacceptable to me and that I would not continue the relationship unless he made some changes. To his credit, he came around in terms of learning the skills he needed to make sex enjoyable for me, too. But I was shocked that a middle-aged man with all that education would be so ignorant. Supposedly he had had dozens of lovers prior to me, and it never occurred to him to ask any of those women what would please them. I can only imagine what they must have thought. Our relationship continued on fairly pleasantly for years. As long as I didn't have very high expectations of Nick, we got along okay. We were never able to go anywhere together, and he only bought me two very small gifts in all the years we were together. I saw him about one hour per week, mainly just for sex. It troubled me that Nick didn't know how old I was, when my birthday was, or even how to spell my last name correctly. He blamed a bad memory, but it was obviously caused by indifference. He has a brilliant medical mind, and if he's interested in something, he can remember it. I begged him to call me by my given name, but he rarely did. When he called on the phone, he just said "Hi." He never had a pet name or a nickname for me, he never called me anything. Just "Hi. Can I come over?" Eventually my husband divorced me. This had nothing to do with Nick, and my Ex has not found out about Nick to this day. But the divorce caused a lot of financial and emotional problems. My children began to develop health problems. Nick promised financial help but never came through. He "blew off" our problems and kept saying we'd be fine. I really started paying attention to the fact that Nick wasn't reliable and kept promising things he couldn't deliver. I guess he was always like this, but it SEEMED worse after my divorce, since my health deteriorated even more, and I was leaning more heavily on Nick for emotional support. He was very cheap, and didn't care how much my kids and I were struggling. He promised to bring them Christmas gifts two years in a row and ended up doing nothing for them. In the meantime, he spent many thousands of dollars on medical books for himself, which is his greatest love. The last straw came when he started infecting me with vaginal yeast infections. Being a doctor, he has full access to anti-yeast medication. So he got hold of some pills and said, "We both need to take these to get rid of the yeast." So I took the medicine as he instructed, but he didn't take his. I realized that it's because he's only a CARRIER of the yeast and has no actual symptoms himself. He didn't want to take the medicine because he claimed it made him tired. But he had no problem with repeatedly re-infecting me over and over. So he was able to come over here, infect me, and then carry on with no consequences, because he had no symptoms. He expected me to pay for the topical yeast treatments that were necessary after each re-infestation, even though he was the source of the infections. This was too much for me. My health problems have continually gotten worse, and the misery of all these infections, coupled with his complete indifference, was too much for me. I wondered if he had been scamming me all those years, with promises of "cures," as one might lure a donkey with a carrot. Nick is not attractive, not charming, and has no charisma. He has extremely poor communication skills. He relies heavily on his wife to talk to people and take care of various types of arrangements for him. But I was dazzled by his medical knowledge, and thought he might be able to provide the answers to medical puzzles that have eluded all other doctors I have seen. Nick has a very flat emotional affect, rarely laughts or smiles, and rarely raises his voice. He has dozens of "projects" all going on at once, all kinds of "business deals" and "medical discoveries." He at one time got involved with a cryogenics organization (freezing dead people for possible revival in the future). Another time he got involved with trying to invent a chocolate bar for diabetics. All of these projects seem to go nowhere. He remains serene, or at least appears serene, in the midst of complete chaos and financial disaster. He is now involved with stem cell research, which is apparently the "next big thing." The only things he gets excited about are medicine-related, and when telling me about stem cells, he enthused, "It's a great time to be alive!" I thought this was horribly insensitive in light of the apparently incurable state of my own health, and my children's potentially serious medical problems. After Nick had re-infected me AGAIN and then stood me up for a get-together, I told him I didn't want to see him any more. In spite of everything that had happened, I felt like I had failed miserably at a relationship that meant a great deal to me. We were together 15 years, and during the majority of that time, I felt like I was trying to resuscitate a corpse. Nick took the news indifferently, and has made no attempt to contact me further. Knowing him, I am sure he has forgotten about me completely. 1. I think Nick may have Asperger's Syndrome as well as being a narcissist. Can a person have both conditions at the same time? |
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| | | From: samvak | Sent: 21/06/2004 5:54 p.m. |
Hello, Brenda, welcome aboard. You sound to me very self-aware and introspective. These are important prerequisites to recovery and healing. (The use of gender pronouns in this article reflects the clinical facts: most narcissists and most Asperger's patients are male.) Asperger's Disorder (not Syndrome - even therapists make this mistake ...;o))) is often misdiagnosed as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), though evident as early as age 3 (while pathological narcissism cannot be safely diagnosed prior to early adolescence). In both cases, the patient is self-centered and engrossed in a narrow range of interests and activities. Social and occupational interactions are severely hampered and conversational skills (the give and take of verbal intercourse) are primitive. The Asperger's patient body language - eye to eye gaze, body posture, facial expressions - is constricted and artificial, akin to the narcissist's. Nonverbal cues are virtually absent and their interpretation in others lacking. Yet, the gulf between Asperger's and pathological narcissism is vast. The narcissist switches between social agility and social impairment voluntarily. His social dysfunctioning is the outcome of conscious haughtiness and the reluctance to invest scarce mental energy in cultivating relationships with inferior and unworthy others. When confronted with potential Sources of Narcissistic Supply, however, the narcissist easily regains his social skills, his charm, and his gregariousness. Many narcissists reach the highest rungs of their community, church, firm, or voluntary organization. Most of the time, they function flawlessly - though the inevitable blowups and the grating extortion of Narcissistic Supply usually put an end to the narcissist's career and social liaisons. The Asperger's patient often wants to be accepted socially, to have friends, to marry, to be sexually active, and to sire offspring. He just doesn't have a clue how to go about it. His affect is limited. His initiative - for instance, to share his experiences with nearest and dearest or to engage in foreplay - is thwarted. His ability to divulge his emotions stilted. He is incapable or reciprocating and is largely unaware of the wishes, needs, and feelings of his interlocutors or counterparties. Inevitably, Asperger's patients are perceived by others to be cold, eccentric, insensitive, indifferent, repulsive, exploitative or emotionally-absent. To avoid the pain of rejection, they confine themselves to solitary activities - but, unlike the schizoid, not by choice. They limit their world to a single topic, hobby, or person and dive in with the greatest, all-consuming intensity, excluding all other matters and everyone else. It is a form of hurt-control and pain regulation. Thus, while the narcissist avoids pain by excluding, devaluing, and discarding others - the Asperger's patient achieves the same result by withdrawing and by passionately incorporating in his universe only one or two people and one or two subjects of interest. Both narcissists and Asperger's patients are prone to react with depression to perceived slights and injuries - but Asperger's patients are far more at risk of self-harm and suicide. The use of language is another differentiating factor. The narcissist is a skilled communicator. He uses language as an instrument to obtain Narcissistic Supply or as a weapon to obliterate his "enemies" and discarded sources with. Cerebral narcissists derive Narcissistic Supply from the consummate use they make of their innate verbosity. Not so the Asperger's patient. He is equally verbose at times (and taciturn on other occasions) but his topics are few and, thus, tediously repetitive. He is unlikely to obey conversational rules and etiquette (for instance, to let others speak in turn). Nor is the Asperger's patient able to decipher nonverbal cues and gestures or to monitor his own misbehavior on such occasions. Narcissists are similarly inconsiderate - but only towards those who cannot possibly serve as Sources of Narcissistic Supply. More about Autism Spectrum Disorders here: McDowell, Maxson J. (2002) The Image of the Mother's Eye: Autism and Early Narcissistic Injury , Behavioral and Brain Sciences (Submitted) Benis, Anthony - "Toward Self & Sanity: On the Genetic Origins of the Human Character" - Narcissistic-Perfectionist Personality Type (NP) with special reference to infantile autism Stringer, Kathi (2003) An Object Relations Approach to Understanding Unusual Behaviors and Disturbances James Robert Brasic, MD, MPH (2003) Pervasive Developmental Disorder: Asperger Syndrome Also Read Narcissism with Other Mental Health Disorders - FAQ #82 Narcissists, Inverted Narcissists and Schizoids - FAQ #67 The Inverted Narcissist - FAQ #66 Narcissism, Substance Abuse, and Reckless Behaviours The Myth of Mental Illness Other Personality Disorders Eating Disorders and Personality Disorders Use and abuse of Differential Diagnoses Misdiagnosing Narcissism - The Bipolar I Disorder Take care. Sam |
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As I stated previously, Nick appears calm in the midst of extreme chaos around him. I am quite sure he is a narcissist, but he does not exhibit any of the "rage" behavior I have read about. How is this possible? |
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| | | From: samvak | Sent: 22/06/2004 11:30 a.m. |
Hi, Brenda, Narcissists can be imperturbable, resilient to stress, and sangfroid. Narcissistic rage is NOT a reaction to stress - it is a reaction to a perceived slight, insult, criticism, or disagreement. Narcissistic rage is a reaction to narcissistic injury. If Nick never rages - even when criticized, disagreed with, insulted, or slighted - then, in all probability, he is not a narcissist. Rage has many forms, though: I. Explosive - The narcissist erupts, attacks everyone in his immediate vicinity, causes damage to objects or people, and is invariably verbally and psychologically abusive. II. Pernicious (quite and cunning) - the narcissist sulks, gives the silent treatment, and is plotting how to punish the transgressor and put her in her proper place. These narcissists are vindictive and often become stalkers. hey harass and haunt the objects of their frustration. More here: Take care. Sam |
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Nick never had any conflict or guilt concerning our relationship. I myself had a lot of conflict AND guilt, but chose to go forward anyway. How can a person be so blase about breaking his professional medical vows and his marital vows? |
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| | | From: samvak | Sent: 23/06/2004 11:22 a.m. |
Hi, Brenda, The scholar Robert Hare wrote a great book titled "Without Conscience". It deals with psychopaths. Antisocial Personality Disorder APD or AsPD; Formerly called "psychopathy" or, more colloquially, "sociopathy". Some scholars, such as David Hare, still distinguish psychopathy from mere antisocial behavior. The disorder appears in early adolescence but criminal behavior and substance abuse often abate with age, usually by the fourth or fifth decade of life. It may have a genetic or hereditary determinant and afflicts mainly men. The diagnosis is controversial and regarded by some scholar as scientifically unfounded. Psychopaths regard other people as objects to be manipulated and instruments of gratification and utility. They have no discernible conscience, are devoid of empathy and find it difficult to perceive other people's nonverbal cues, needs, emotions, and preferences. Consequently, the psychopath rejects other people's rights and his commensurate obligations. He is impulsive, reckless, irresponsible and unable to postpone gratification. He often rationalizes his behavior showing an utter absence of remorse for hurting or defrauding others.
Their (primitive) defence mechanisms include splitting (they view the world - and people in it - as "all good" or "all evil"), projection (attribute their own shortcomings unto others) and projective identification (force others to behave the way they expect them to). The psychopath fails to comply with social norms. Hence the criminal acts, the deceitfulness and identity theft, the use of aliases, the constant lying, and the conning of even his nearest and dearest for gain or pleasure. Psychopaths are unreliable and do not honor their undertakings, obligations, contracts, and responsibilities. They rarely hold a job for long or repay their debts. They are vindictive, remorseless, ruthless, driven, dangerous, aggressive, violent, irritable, and, sometimes, prone to magical thinking. They seldom plan for the long and medium terms, believing themselves to be immune to the consequences of their own actions. NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and AsPD (Antisocial Personality
Disorder)
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq15.html
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq82.html
http://open-site.org/Health/Mental_Health/Disorders/Personality/Antisocial/
Narcissism on Crime TV
http://www.crimelibrary.com/serial_killers/predators/gerald_stano/4.html?sect=2
Crime and Terrorism
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/serialkillers.html (PopMatters.com)
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/12.html (The Idler)
Corporate Narcissism
http://www.suite101.com/bulletin.cfm/6514/10621 (New York Times)
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/corporatenarcissism.html (United Press
International - Part I, Part II)
http://www.nypress.com/16/7/news&columns/feature.cfm (New York Press)
Abusive Relationships
http://www.suite101.com/topic_page.cfm/6514/2051
http://www.suite101.com/bulletin.cfm/18046/12847
Take care.
Sam
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How is it possible to be so intensely involved with someone for so long (15 years) and then be completely indifferent when the relationship ends? I am thinking that the majority of the "relationship" took place within my own mind. |
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| | | From: samvak | Sent: 24/06/2004 3:23 p.m. |
Hi, Brenda, By "how is it possible" I assume you mean: how is it emotionally possible. Do Narcissists Have Emotions? Of course they do. All humans have emotions. It is how we choose to relate to our emotions that matters. The narcissist tends to repress them so deeply that, for all practical purposes, they play no conscious role in his life and conduct, though they play an extraordinarily large unconscious role in determining them. The narcissist's positive emotions come bundled with very negative ones. This is the outcome of frustration and the consequent transformations of aggression. This frustration is connected to the Primary Objects of the narcissist's childhood (parents and caregivers). Instead of being provided with the love that he craved, the narcissist was subjected to totally unpredictable and inexplicable bouts of temper, rage, searing sentimentality, envy, prodding, infusion of guilt and other unhealthy emotions and behaviour patterns. He reacted by retreating to his private world, where he was omnipotent and omniscient and, therefore, immune to such vicious vicissitudes. He stashed his vulnerable True Self in a deep mental cellar �?and outwardly he presented to the world his False Self. But bundling is far easier than unbundling. The narcissist is unable to evoke his positive feelings without provoking his negative ones. Gradually, he becomes phobic: afraid to feel anything, lest it be accompanied by the fearsome, guilt inducing, anxiety provoking, out of control emotional complements. He is thus reduced to experiencing dull stirrings, dim movements in his soul, that he identifies to himself and to others as emotions. Even these are felt only in the presence of a subject capable of providing the narcissist with his badly needed Narcissistic Supply. Only when the narcissist is in the overvaluation phase of his relationships, does he go through these convulsions and convolutions that he calls "feelings". These are so transient and fake in nature that they are easily replaced by rage, envy and devaluation. The narcissist really recreates the behaviour patterns of his less than ideal Primary Objects. The narcissist knows that something is amiss. He does not empathise with other people's feelings. Actually, he holds them in contempt and ridicule. He cannot understand how people are so sentimental, so "irrational" (he identifies being rational with being cool headed and cold blooded). Many times he finds himself believing that other people's behaviour is fake, intended to achieve a goal, grounded in ulterior, non-emotional, motives. He becomes paranoidally suspicious, embarrassed, feels compelled to run away, or, worse, experiences surges of almost uncontrollable aggression in the presence of genuinely expressed emotions. They remind him how imperfect and poorly equipped he is. They threaten him. Constant nagging by a spouse, colleagues, professors, by employers �?only exacerbates the situation. The weaker variety tries to emulate and simulate "emotions" �?or, at least their expression, the external facet. They mimic and replicate the intricate pantomime that they learn to associate with the existence of feelings. But there are no real emotions there, no emotional correlate. This is empty affect, devoid of emotion. Being so, the narcissist fast tires of it, he becomes impassive and begins to produce inappropriate affect (remain indifferent when grief is the normal reaction, for instance). The narcissist subjects his feigned emotions to his cognition. He "decides" that it is appropriate to feel so and so. "Emotions" are invariably the result of analysis, goal setting and planning. He substitutes "remembering" for "sensing". He relegates his bodily sensations, feelings and emotions to a kind of a memory vault. The short and medium-term memory is exclusively used to store his reactions to his (actual and potential) Narcissistic Supply Sources. He reacts only to such sources. The narcissist finds it hard to remember what he felt (even a short while ago) towards a Narcissistic Supply Source once it has ceased to be one. It is difficult for him to recreate the emotions, which were ostensibly involved. In his efforts to emotionally recall �?he encounters a void, draws a mental blank. It is not that narcissists are incapable of expressing what we would tend to classify as "extreme emotional reactions". They mourn and grieve, rage and smile, excessively "love" and "care". But this is precisely what sets them apart: this rapid movement from one emotional extreme to another and the fact that they never occupy the emotional middle ground. The narcissist is especially "emotional" when weaned off the Narcissistic Supply drug. Breaking a habit is always difficult �?especially one that defines (and generates) one's being. Getting rid of an addiction is doubly taxing. The narcissist identifies these crises with emotional depth and his self-conviction is so immense, that he mostly succeeds to elude his environment, as well. But a narcissistic crisis (losing a Source of Narcissistic Supply, obtaining an alternative one, moving from one Narcissistic Pathological Space to another) �?must never be confused with the real thing, which the narcissist never experiences: emotions. Many narcissists have "emotional resonance tables". They use words as others use algebraic signs: with meticulousness, with caution, with the precision of the artisan. They sculpt in words the fine tuned reverberations of pain and love and fear. It is the mathematics of grammar, the geometry of syntax. Devoid of all emotions, they watch people's reactions and adjust their verbal choices accordingly, until their vocabulary resembles that of their listeners. This is as close as narcissists get to empathy. To summarise, the emotional life of the narcissist is colourless and eventless, as rigidly blind as his disorder, as dead as he. He does feel rage and hurt and inordinate humiliation, envy and fear. These are very dominant, prevalent and recurrent hues in the canvass of his emotional existence. But there is nothing except these atavistic gut reactions. Whatever it is that the narcissist experiences as emotions �?he experiences in reaction to slights and injuries, real or imagined. His emotions are all reactive, not active. He feels insulted �?he sulks. He feels devalued �?he rages. He feels ignored �?he pouts. He feels humiliated �?he lashes out. He feels threatened �?he fears. He feels adored �?he basks in glory. He is virulently envious of one and all. The narcissist can appreciate beauty but in a cerebral, cold and "mathematical" way. Many have no mature, adult sex drive to speak of. Their emotional landscape is dim and grey, as though through a glass darkly. Many narcissists can intelligently discuss other emotions, never experienced by them �?like empathy, or love �?because they make it a point to read a lot and to correspond with people who claim to experience them. Thus, they gradually form working hypotheses as to what people feel. As far as the narcissist is concerned, it is pointless to try to really understand emotions �?but at least these models he forms allow him to better predict people's behaviour. Narcissists are not envious of people who feel. They disdain feelings and emotional people because they think that they are weak and vulnerable and they deride human frailties and vulnerabilities. Such derision makes the narcissist feel superior and is probably the ossified remains of a defence mechanism gone awry. Narcissists are afraid of pain. Pain is a pebble in their Indra's Net �?lift it and the whole net revives. Their pains do not come isolated �?they constitute families of anguish, tribes of hurt, whole races of agony. The narcissist cannot experience them separately �?only collectively. Narcissism is an effort to contain the ominous onslaught of stale emotions, repressed rage, a child's injuries. Pathological narcissism is useful �?this is why it is so resilient and resistant to change. When it is "invented" by the tormented individual �?it enhances his functionality and makes life bearable for him. Because it is so successful, it attains religious dimensions �?it become rigid, doctrinaire, automatic and ritualistic. In other words, it becomes a PATTERN of behaviour. This rigidity is like an outer shell. It constrains the narcissist and limits him. It is often prohibitive and inhibitive. As a result, the narcissist is afraid to do certain things. He is injured or humiliated when forced to engage in certain activities. He reacts with rage when the mental edifice supporting his disorder is subjected to scrutiny and criticism �?no matter how benign. Narcissism is ridiculous. Narcissists are pompous, grandiose, repulsive and contradictory. There is a serious mismatch between who they really are and what they really achieve �?and how they feel about themselves. It is not that the narcissist merely THINKS that he is far superior to other humans intellectually. The perception of his superiority is ingrained in him, it is a part of his every mental cell, an all-pervasive sensation, an instinct and a drive. He feels that he is entitled to special treatment and to outstanding consideration because he is such a unique specimen. He knows this to be true �?the same way one knows that one is surrounded by air. It is an integral part of his identity. More integral to him than his body. This opens a gap �?rather, an abyss �?between the narcissist and other humans. Because he considers himself so special and so superior, he has no way of knowing how it is to be THEM �?nor the inclination to explore it. In other words, the narcissist cannot and will not empathise. Can you empathise with an ant? Empathy implies identity or equality, both abhorrent to the narcissist. And being perceived by the narcissist to be so inferior, people are reduced to cartoonish, two-dimensional representations of functions. They become instrumental, or useful, or functional, or entertaining �?rather than loving or emotionally interactive. It leads to ruthlessness and exploitativeness. Narcissists are not "evil" �?actually, the narcissist considers himself to be a good person. Many narcissists help people, professionally, or voluntarily. But narcissists are indifferent. They couldn't care less. They help people because it is a way to secure attention, gratitude, adulation and admiration. And because it is the fastest and surest way to get rid of them and their incessant nagging. The narcissist may realise these unpleasant truths cognitively �?but there is no corresponding emotional reaction (emotional correlate) to this realisation. There is no resonance. It is like reading a boring users' manual pertaining to a computer you do not even own. There is no insight, no assimilation of these truths. Still, to further insulate himself from the improbable possibility of confronting the gulf between reality and grandiose fantasy (the Grandiosity Gap) �?the narcissist comes up with the most elaborate mental structure, replete with mechanisms, levers, switches and flickering alarm lights. Narcissism Isolates the narcissist from the pain of facing reality and allows him to inhabit the fantasyland of ideal perfection and brilliance. These once-vital functions are bundled in what is known to psychologists as the False Self. (continued) |
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| | | From: samvak | Sent: 24/06/2004 3:26 p.m. |
To the narcissist, you are an object - at best, a source of narcissistic supply. Narcissists have no empathy: Question: What is Narcissistic Supply? Answer: We all look for positive cues from people around us. These cues reinforce in us certain behaviour patterns. There is nothing special in the fact that the narcissist does the same. However there are two major differences between the narcissistic and the normal personality. The first difference is quantitative. The normal person is likely to welcome a moderate amount of attention �?verbal and non-verbal �?in the form of affirmation, approval, or admiration. Too much attention, though, is perceived as onerous and is avoided. The narcissist, in contrast, is the mental equivalent of an alcoholic. He asks for more and yet more. He directs his whole behaviour, in fact his life, to obtain these pleasurable titbits of attention. He embeds them in a coherent, completely biased, picture of himself. He uses them to regulates his labile sense of self-worth and self-esteem. To elicit constant interest, he projects to others a confabulated, fictitious version of himself, known as the False Self. The False Self is everything the narcissist is not: omniscient, omnipotent, charming, intelligent, rich, or well-connected. The narcissist then proceeds to harvest reactions to this projected image from family members, friends, co-workers, neighbours, business partners and milieu, or from colleagues. If these �?the adulation, admiration, attention, fear, respect, applause, affirmation �?are not forthcoming, the narcissist demands them, or extorts them. Money, compliments, a favourable critique, an appearance in the media, a sexual conquest are all transformed into the same currency in the narcissist's mind. This currency is what I call Narcissistic Supply. There are two immediate and easy Sources of Narcissistic Supply: publicity (celebrity or notoriety, being famous or being infamous) and having a mate or a companion. Publicity can be obtained by exposing oneself, by creating something, or by provoking attention. The narcissist resorts to all three repeatedly (as drug addicts do to secure their daily dose). But the picture is more complicated. There are two categories of Narcissistic Supply and their Sources (NSS): The Primary Narcissistic Supply Source is attention �?in both its public forms (fame, notoriety, infamy, celebrity) and private forms (adoration, adulation, applause, fear, repulsion). It is important to understand that attention of any kind �?positive and negative �?constitutes Primary Narcissistic Supply. Infamy is as useful as fame, notoriety as good as being renowned. To the narcissist his "achievements" can be imaginary, fictitious, or only apparent, as long as others believe in them. Appearances count more than substance, what matters is not the truth but its perception. The Primary Narcissistic Sources of Supply include �?apart from being famous (celebrity, notoriety, fame, infamy) �?mystique (when the narcissist is considered to be mysterious), having sex and deriving from it a sense of masculinity/virility/femininity, a projection of wealth, proximity to power (money/knowledge/contacts) �?in itself mysterious and awe inspiring. The Secondary Sources of Narcissistic Supply include: leading a normal life (a source of great pride to the narcissist), having a secure existence (economic safety, social acceptability, upward mobility), and obtaining companionship. The Secondary NSS include having a mate, conspicuous wealth, creativity and its products, running a business (transformed into a Pathological Narcissistic Space), the sense of an anarchic freedom, belonging to a group of people which make up a Pathological Narcissistic Space, being prestigious, reputable, or successful, owning property and status symbols (show-off). All these sources, primary and secondary alike �?or rather the Narcissistic Supply that they provide �?are incorporated in a Narcissistic Pathological Space.
Question:
What are the functions of Narcissistic Supply in the narcissistic pathology? Answer: The narcissist internalises a "bad" object (typically, his mother) in his childhood. He develops socially forbidden feelings towards this object: hatred, envy, and aggression. These feelings reinforce the narcissist's self-image as bad and corrupt. Gradually he develops a dysfunctional sense of self-worth. His self-confidence and self-image become unrealistically low and distorted. In an effort to repress the "bad" feelings, the narcissist is also forced to suppress the good emotions intertwined with them. His aggression is channelled to fantasies or to legitimate outlets (dangerous sports, gambling, reckless driving, compulsive shopping). The narcissist views the world as a hostile, unstable, unrewarding, unjust, and unpredictable place. He defends himself by loving a completely controllable object (himself), by projecting to the world an omnipotent and omniscient False Self, and by turning others to functions or to objects so that they pose no emotional danger. This reactive pattern is what we call pathological narcissism. To counter his demons the narcissist needs the world: its admiration, its adulation, its attention, its applause, even its penalties. The lack of a functioning personality on the inside is balanced by importing Ego functions and boundaries from the outside. The Primary Narcissistic Supply reaffirms the narcissist's grandiose fantasies, buttresses his False Self and, thus allows him to regulate his fluctuating sense of self-worth. The Narcissistic Supply contains information which pertains to the "correctness" of the False Self, to its calibration, intensity and proper functioning. The Narcissistic Supply serves to define the boundaries of the False Self, to regulate its contents and to substitute for some of the functions normally reserved to a True, functioning, Self. While it is easy to understand the function of the Primary Supply, the Secondary type is a more complicated affair. The company of women and "doing business" are the two main Sources of Secondary Narcissistic Supply (SNSS). The narcissist mistakenly interprets his narcissistic needs as emotions. To him, the pursuit of a woman-SNSS, for instance, is what others call "love" or "passion". As we said, the narcissist derives his Narcissistic Supply from PNSS and SNSS (Primary and Secondary Narcissistic Supply Sources). But this supply is perishable goods. The narcissist consumes it and has to replenish the supply. As is the case with other drug addictions, to produce the same effect, he is forced to increase the dosage as he goes. While the narcissist uses up his supply, his partner serves as a silent (and admiring) witness to the narcissist's "great moments" and "achievements". The narcissist's female friend "accumulates" the narcissist's "grandeur" and "illustrious past". When Narcissistic Supply is low, she "releases" the accumulated supply (by reminding the narcissist of these moments of glory) and, thus, helps the narcissist to regulate his sense of self-worth. This function �?of Narcissistic Supply accumulation and release �?is performed by all SNSS, male or female, inanimate or institutional. The narcissist's co-workers, bosses, colleagues, neighbours, and friends are all potential SNSS. They all witness the narcissist's past accomplishments and can remind him of them when new supply runs dry. [In depth analyses of the mechanisms of Narcissistic Supply, its accumulation and regulation can be found here and here.]
Question:
Why does the narcissist devalue his Source of Secondary Narcissistic Supply? Answer: Narcissists are forever in pursuit of Narcissistic Supply. They are not aware of time, are not constrained by any behavioural consistency, "rules" of conduct or moral considerations. Signal to a narcissist that you are a willing source �?and he is bound to extract his supply from you. This is a reflex. He would have reacted absolutely the same way to any other source. If what is needed to obtain supply from you is intimations of intimacy �?he will employ them liberally. Some Sources of Supply are ideal (from the narcissist's point of view): sufficiently intelligent, sufficiently gullible, submissive, reasonably (but not overly) inferior to the narcissist, in possession of a good memory (with which to regulate the flow of Narcissistic Supply), available but not imposing, not explicitly or overtly manipulative, interchangeable (not indispensable), not demanding (a fatalist to a degree), attractive (if the narcissist is somatic). In short: a Galathea-Pygmallion type. But then, often suddenly and inexplicably, it is all over. The narcissist is cold, uninterested and remote. ONE of the reasons is, as Groucho Marx put it, that the narcissist doesn't like to belong to a club which accepts him as a member. The narcissist devalues his Sources of Supply for the very qualities that made them such sources in the first place: their gullibility, their submissiveness, their (intellectual or physical) inferiority. But there are many other reasons. For instance, the narcissist resents his dependence and by devaluing the object of dependence (his spouse, his employer, his colleague, his friend) he gets rid of the dissonance. Yet another issue: The narcissist perceives intimacy and sex as a threat to his uniqueness. Everyone needs sex and intimacy �?it is the great equaliser. The narcissist resents this equality. He rebels. Sex and intimacy are usually also connected to past unresolved conflicts with important Primary Objects (parents or caregivers). They invoke these conflicts, encourage transference and provoke the onset of an approach-avoidance cycle. Additionally, narcissists get tired of their sources. There is no mathematical formula, which governs this. It depends on numerous variables. Usually, the relationship lasts until the narcissist "gets used" to the source and its stimulating effects wear off OR until a better Source of Supply presents itself.
Question:
Could negative input be Narcissistic Supply (NS)? Answer: Yes. NS includes attention, fame, notoriety, adulation, fear, applause, approval. It is a mixed bag. If the narcissist gets attention �?positive or negative �?it constitutes NS. If he can manipulate people or influence them �?positively or negatively �?it qualifies as NS. Even quarrelling with people constitutes NS. Perhaps not the fighting itself �?but the ability to influence other people, to induce feelings in them, to manipulate them emotionally, to make them do something or refrain from doing it. NS releases libido (increases the sexual drive).
Question:
Does the narcissist want to be liked? Answer: Would you wish to be liked by your television set? To the narcissist, people are mere tools, Sources of Supply. If he must be liked by them in order to secure this supply �?he strives to make sure they like him. If he can only be feared �?he makes sure they fear him. He does not really care either way as long as he is being attended to. Attention �?whether in the form of fame or infamy �?is what it's all about. His world revolves around his constant mirroring. I am seen therefore I exist, sayeth the narcissist. But the classic narcissist is also looking to get punished. His actions are aimed to elicit social or other opprobrium and sanctions. His life is a Kafkaesque ongoing trial and the sempiternity of the trial is in itself the punishment. A punishment (a reprimand, an imprisonment, an abandonment) serves to vindicate and validate the internal damning voices of his sadistic, ideal and immature Superego (really, his parents or other caregivers). They confirm his worthlessness. They relieve him from the burden of the inner conflict he endures while successful: the conflict between the gnawing sense of guilt and shame and the need to relentlessly secure Narcissistic Supply.
Question:
How does the narcissist treat his past Sources of Narcissistic Supply? Answer: One should be careful not to romanticise the narcissist. His remorse is always linked to fears of losing his sources. Narcissists have no enemies. They have only Sources of Narcissistic Supply. An enemy means attention means supply. One holds sway over one's enemy. If the narcissist has the power to provoke emotions in you �?you are still a Source of Supply to him, regardless of WHICH emotions are provoked. He seeks out his old Sources of Narcissistic Supply when he has absolutely no other NS Sources at his disposal. Narcissists frantically try to recycle their old and wasted sources in such a situation. But the narcissist would NOT do even this had he not felt that he could still successfully extract a modicum of NS from the old source (even to attack the narcissist is to recognise his existence and to attend to him!!!). If you are an old Source of Narcissistic Supply, first, get over the excitement of seeing him again. It may be flattering, perhaps sexually arousing. Try to overcome these feelings. Then, simply ignore him. Don't bother to respond in any way to his offer to get together. If he talks to you �?keep quiet, don't answer. If he calls you �?listen politely and then say goodbye and hang up. Indifference is what the narcissist cannot stand. It indicates a lack of attention and interest that constitutes the kernel of negative NS. Much more in FAQ 64 and FAQ 25 in "Malignant Self Love �?Narcissism Revisited". Take care. Sam |
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I used to believe everything Nick told me. I now believe that he lied about a great number of things. How can I tell the difference between what is true and what is lies? Are narcissists capable of telling the truth part of the time? I know it shouldn't matter anymore, but I still puzzle over it. |
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| | | Sent: 25/06/2004 12:07 p.m. |
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| | | From: samvak | Sent: 25/06/2004 12:08 p.m. |
Hi, Brenda, Confabulations are an important part of life. They serve to heal emotional wounds or to prevent ones from being inflicted in the first place. They prop-up the confabulator's self-esteem, regulate his (or her) sense of self-worth, and buttress his (or her) self-image. They serve as organizing principles in social interactions. Father's wartime heroism, mother's youthful good looks, one's oft-recounted exploits, erstwhile alleged brilliance, and past purported sexual irresistibility - are typical examples of white, fuzzy, heart-warming lies wrapped around a shrivelled kernel of truth. But the distinction between reality and fantasy is rarely completely lost. Deep inside, the healthy confabulator knows where facts end and wishful thinking takes over. Father acknowledges he was no war hero, though he did his share of fighting. Mother understands she was no ravishing beauty, though she may have been attractive. The confabulator realizes that his recounted exploits are overblown, his brilliance exaggerated, and his sexual irresistibility a myth. Such distinctions never rise to the surface because everyone - the confabulator and his audience alike - have a common interest to maintain the confabulation. To challenge the integrity of the confabulator or the veracity of his confabulations is to threaten the very fabric of family and society. Human intercourse is built around such entertaining deviations from the truth. This is where the narcissist differs from others (from "normal" people). His very self is a piece of fiction concocted to fend off hurt and to nurture the narcissist's grandiosity. He fails in his "reality test" - the ability to distinguish the actual from the imagined. The narcissist fervently believes in his own infallibility, brilliance, omnipotence, heroism, and perfection. He doesn't dare confront the truth and admit it even to himself. Moreover, he imposes his personal mythology on his nearest and dearest. Spouse, children, colleagues, friends, neighbors - sometimes even perfect strangers - must abide by the narcissist's narrative or face his wrath. The narcissist countenances no disagreement, alternative points of view, or criticism. To him, confabulation IS reality. The coherence of the narcissist's dysfunctional and precariously-balanced personality depends on the plausibility of his stories and on their acceptance by his Sources of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissist invests an inordinate time in substantiating his tales, collecting "evidence", defending his version of events, and in re-interpreting reality to fit his scenario. As a result, most narcissists are self-delusional, obstinate, opinionated, and argumentative. The narcissist's lies are not goal-orientated. This is what makes his constant dishonesty both disconcerting and incomprehensible. The narcissist lies at the drop of a hat, needlessly, and almost ceaselessly. He lies in order to avoid the Grandiosity Gap - when the abyss between fact and (narcissistic) fiction becomes too gaping to ignore. The narcissist lies in order to preserve appearances, uphold fantasies, support the tall (and impossible) tales of his False Self and extract Narcissistic Supply from unsuspecting sources, who are not yet on to him. To the narcissist, confabulation is not merely a way of life - but life itself. We are all conditioned to let other indulge in pet delusions and get away with white, not too egregious, lies. The narcissist makes use of our socialization. We dare not confront or expose him, despite the outlandishness of his claims, the improbability of his stories, the implausibility of his alleged accomplishments and conquests. We simply turn the other cheek, or meekly avert our eyes, often embarrassed. Moreover, the narcissist makes clear, from the very beginning, that it is his way or the highway. His aggression - even violent streak - are close to the surface. He may be charming in a first encounter - but even then there are telltale signs of pent-up abuse. His interlocutors sense this impending threat and avoid conflict by acquiescing with the narcissist's fairy tales. Thus he imposes his private universe and virtual reality on his milieu - sometimes with disastrous consequences. More about narcissists and lying: http://samvak.tripod.com/journal59.html http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse10.html http://samvak.tripod.com/faq71.html http://samvak.tripod.com/journal60.html http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily10.html http://samvak.tripod.com/faq3.html More artistic ... http://samvak.tripod.com/talent.html http://samvak.tripod.com/journal23.html http://gorgelink.org/vaknin/conman-en.html I hope you found our correspondence of some help. Take care there. Sam |
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