 |
|
Reply
| | From:  -Tammy_S- (Original Message) | Sent: 5/07/2004 12:20 a.m. |
I met this person 16 years ago and was married to her after 5. She finished grad school while living off me and never to my knowledge ever offered to pay for anything, phone ,rent, food. At one point I was ready to end the relationship and somehow I think she knew this and became pregnant and refused not to not have the baby. Unable to sever ties with a pregnant women of my doing I stayed. There was a statement she once made that to this day sticks in my mind. When she had gone home to visit her Grandmother one Christmas one of her cousins had had a baby and the Grandmother whom used to make handmade quilts gave the quilt to the ba by that was intended for my 'N' and one morning she woke up crying and said my Grandmother gave my quilt to that baby and thats when I knew something was wrong. Here we have a 28 year old women crying like a baby cause a baby got a quilt. Next thing I knew I had a baby of my own on the way. So I figured I would make a go of it. Married her when the baby was 3 months old after being somewhat pressured but thinking maybe things would work out. We went to a justice of the peace one day and when returning back to the apartment she stated that no one can know we are married because her grandmother and others expect her to have a big family style wedding. To this day I don't know why I didn't just say to hell with you. I looked into an having it voided but because of having a child that then would require a year separation. AT the time a year seemed like forever, hindsight is 20 20. SHe would do things like ask for my ATM cars to get 20 bucks and actually do two transactions and get more but give me the 20 dollar receipt and smile when I would catch her in the lie. SHe once claimed to have tried to take a watch that was given to me to a shop but said she lost it. The way this was done was by saying 'T have you seen a little purple bag' and when I said npo she said 'I was going to get your watch fixed and I think I lost it' problem here is that I never saw her attempt to look for it. Now at the time I thought the watch was worth 700 to 1000 dollars. Turned out that I saw this very same watch in an Esquire magazine article and the watch at that time was worth over 9000 dollars. I doubt it wa lost. She has been no help finacally at all as a matter of fact she has been the cpomplete oppisite. When she couldn't get a bank account after ruining so many I let her on my account that I had had for 11 years and within 2 months it was 400 in the red and the bank closed it. Her excuse was that I had a check that kept going through...no accountibility. When I purchased a home she could not be put on the mortgage her credit was so bad. SHe has outbreaks of rage and hits me when my back is turned. She has called the police after starting domestic disputes and had me arrested and once the magistrate said well from the looks of him why is he here and not her based on photos of her and seeing all the scrathes on my face and neck. He then sent the officer back to serve her with a warrant. She seldom if ever wanted to have sex unless she somehow felt it was a good time to get pregnant we now have three children. We were divorced in 2001 and last year after her urgings I said I would try and work things out with her. We went to a counslor and she is demanding to still receive child support and alimony $2700 child support and $500 alimony and the couslor says that that should be the way things should be. I went along with this in an effort to show my willingness to try. Well one year later she still wants this money monthly and child care is actually $1000 less then when the order went in. She works part time making 1600 a month is working on a Doctorate online and we have a nanny that receives according to her $1500 a month. You gotta laugh at the math. She has showed up on my previous job and caused me to get fired from a $140,000 a year contract. Anyway I seeing that I can't even do this for the kids and need to get out of this mess. She actually believes that she is entitled to any and everything, Uses the children for her own means has forged my name to everyone from the mortgage company to the IRS, has walked into banks with the kids and emptied business accounts that she has no association with or ID to obtain these monies. The list goes on and on and I really need to get on. PS she had a fake wedding some two years after the fact thinking she was going to get all these grand gifts etc. Well I don't know what was given she kept all envelpoes to herself. Long live the queen. Here is Tyrone's first question: 1. I have noticed that my middle child a 7 yr old boy appears to be extremely afraid of his mother the ‘N�? My youngest a 4 yr old boy has learned that praising her keeps her on his good side and the 7 yr old has begun to do the same. My 11 yr old daughter does not take her mess and they argue on a regular basis. What effect is she having on these three children she can be very mean? She throws their toys away and has even taken toys back to the store three months after I purchased them to get the money.
|
|
 First
Previous
2-9 of 9
Next
Last
|
|
Reply
| | | From: samvak | Sent: 5/07/2004 12:25 p.m. |
Hi, Tyrone, welcome aboard. You may wish to look into the possibility that your wife is a psychopath. Start here: Your wife is an abuser. The abuser often recruits his children to do his bidding. He uses them to tempt, convince, communicate, threaten, and otherwise manipulate his target, the children's other parent or a devoted relative (e.g., grandparents). He controls his - often gullible and unsuspecting - offspring exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done - which causes tremendous (and, typically, irreversible) emotional hurt. Co-opting Some offenders - mainly in patriarchal and misogynist societies �?/SPAN> co-opt their children into aiding and abetting their abusive conduct. The couple's children are used as bargaining chips or leverage. They are instructed and encouraged by the abuser to shun the victim, criticize and disagree with her, withhold their love or affection, and inflict on her various forms of ambient abuse. As I wrote in Abuse by Proxy: "Even the victim's (children) are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor. The victims are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical. Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties �?/SPAN> it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem." This is especially true with young - and, therefore vulnerable - offspring, particularly if they live with the abuser. They are frequently emotionally blackmailed by him ("If you want daddy to love you, do this or refrain from doing that"). They lack life experience and adult defenses against manipulation. They may be dependent on the abuser economically and they always resent the abused for breaking up the family, for being unable to fully cater to their needs (she has to work for a living), and for "cheating" on her ex with a new boyfriend or husband. Co-opting The System The abuser perverts the system - therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges. He uses them to pathologize the victim and to separate her from her sources of emotional sustenance - notably, from her children. The abuser seeks custody to pain his ex and punish her. Threatening Abusers are insatiable and vindictive. They always feel deprived and unfairly treated. Some of them are paranoid and sadistic. If they fail to manipulate their common children into abandoning the other parent, they begin treat the kids as enemies. They are not above threatening the children, abducting them, abusing them (sexually, physically, or psychologically), or even outright harming them - in order to get back at the erstwhile partner or in order to make her do something. Most victims attempt to present to their children a "balanced" picture of the relationship and of the abusive spouse. In a vain attempt to avoid the notorious (and controversial) Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), they do not besmirch the abusive parent and, on the contrary, encourage the semblance of a normal, functional, liaison. This is the wrong approach. Not only is it counterproductive �?it sometimes proves outright dangerous. Children have a right to know the overall state of affairs between their parents. They have a right not to be cheated and deluded into thinking that "everything is basically OK" �?or that the separation is reversible. Both parents are under a moral obligation to tell their offspring the truth: the relationship is over for good. Younger kids tend to believe that they are somehow responsible or guilty for the breakdown of the marriage. They must be disabused of this notion. Both parents would do best to explain to them, in straightforward terms, what led to the dissolution of the bond. If spousal abuse is wholly or partly to blame �?it should be brought out to the open and discussed honestly. In such conversations it is best not to allocate blame. But this does not mean that wrong behaviors should be condoned or whitewashed. The victimized parent should tell the child that abusive conduct is wrong and must be avoided. The child should be taught how to identify the warning signs of impending abuse �?sexual, verbal, psychological, and physical. Moreover, a responsible parent should teach the child how to resist inappropriate and hurtful actions. The child should be brought up to insist on being respected by the other parent, on having him or her observe the child's boundaries and accept the child's needs and emotions, choices, and preferences. The child should learn to say "no" and to walk away from potentially compromising situations with the abusive parent. The child should be brought up not to feel guilty for protecting himself or herself and for demanding his or her rights. Remember this: An abusive parent IS DANGEROUS TO THE CHILD. Idealization �?Devaluation Cycles Most abusers accord the same treatment to children and adults. They regard both as Sources of Narcissistic Supply, mere instruments of gratification �?idealize them at first and then devalue them in favour of alternative, safer and more subservient, sources. Such treatment �?being idealized and then dumped and devalued �?is traumatic and can have long-lasting emotional effects on the child. Jealousy Some abusers are jealous of their offspring. They envy them for being the center of attention and care. They treat their own kids as hostile competitors. Where the uninhibited expression of the aggression and hostility aroused by this predicament is illegitimate or impossible �?the abuser prefers to stay away. Rather than attack his children, he sometimes immediately disconnects, detaches himself emotionally, becomes cold and uninterested, or directs transformed anger at his mate or at his parents (the more "legitimate" targets). Objectification Sometimes, the child is perceived to be a mere bargaining chip in a drawn out battle with the erstwhile victim of the abuser (read the previous article in this series �?Leveraging the Children). This is an extension of the abuser's tendency to dehumanize people and treat them as objects. Such abusive partners seek to manipulate their former mate by "taking over" and monopolizing their common children. They foster an atmosphere of emotional (and bodily) incest. The abusive parent encourages his kids to idolise him, to adore him, to be awed by him, to admire his deeds and capabilities, to learn to blindly trust and obey him, in short to surrender to his charisma and to become submerged in his follies-de-grandeur. Breach of Personal Boundaries and Incest It is at this stage that the risk of child abuse �?up to and including outright incest �?is heightened. Many abusers are auto-erotic. They are the preferred objects of their own sexual attentions. Molesting or having intercourse with one's children is as close as one gets to having sex with oneself. Abusers often perceive sex in terms of annexation. The molested child is "assimilated" and becomes an extension of the offender, a fully controlled and manipulated object. Sex, to the abuser, is the ultimate act of depersonalization and objectification of the other. He actually masturbates with other people's bodies, his children's included. The abuser's inability to acknowledge and abide by the personal boundaries set by others puts the child at heightened risk of abuse �?verbal, emotional, physical, and, often, sexual. The abuser's possessiveness and panoply of indiscriminate negative emotions �?transformations of aggression, such as rage and envy �?hinder his ability to act as a "good enough" parent. His propensities for reckless behaviour, substance abuse, and sexual deviance endanger the child's welfare, or even his or her life. Conflict Minors pose little danger of criticizing the abuser or confronting him. They are perfect, malleable and abundant Sources of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissistic parent derives gratification from having incestuous relations with adulating, physically and mentally inferior, inexperienced and dependent "bodies". Yet, the older the offspring, the more they become critical, even judgemental, of the abusive parent. They are better able to put into context and perspective his actions, to question his motives, to anticipate his moves. As they mature, they often refuse to continue to play the mindless pawns in his chess game. They hold grudges against him for what he has done to them in the past, when they were less capable of resistance. They can gauge his true stature, talents and achievements �?which, usually, lag far behind the claims that he makes. This brings the abusive parent back a full cycle. Again, he perceives his sons/daughters as threats. He quickly becomes disillusioned and devaluing. He loses all interest, becomes emotionally remote, absent and cold, rejects any effort to communicate with him, citing life pressures and the preciousness and scarceness of his time. He feels burdened, cornered, besieged, suffocated, and claustrophobic. He wants to get away, to abandon his commitments to people who have become totally useless (or even damaging) to him. He does not understand why he has to support them, or to suffer their company and he believes himself to have been deliberately and ruthlessly trapped. He rebels either passively-aggressively (by refusing to act or by intentionally sabotaging the relationships) or actively (by being overly critical, aggressive, unpleasant, verbally and psychologically abusive and so on). Slowly �?to justify his acts to himself �?he gets immersed in conspiracy theories with clear paranoid hues. To his mind, the members of the family conspire against him, seek to belittle or humiliate or subordinate him, do not understand him, or stymie his growth. The abuser usually finally gets what he wants �?his kids detach and abandon him to his great sorrow, but also to his great relief. a mother wrote to me two years ago with a similar situation. Here's what I told her then: Question: His father is a narcissist. We divorced a few months ago, but he has visitation rights. You wrote that "narcissism breeds narcissism". How can I prevent my child from becoming a narcissist under his father's influence? Answer: Your son is likely to encounter narcissists in his future. In a way, he will be better prepared to cope with them, more alert to their existence and chicanery and more desensitized to their abuse. For this you should be grateful. There is nothing much you can do, otherwise. Stop wasting your money, time, energy and emotional resources on this intractable "problem" of how to insulate your son from his father's influence. It is a lost war, though a just cause. Instead, make yourself available to your son. The only thing you can do to prevent your son from emulating his father - is to present to him another role model of a NON-narcissist - YOU. Hopefully, when he grows up, he will prefer your model to his father's. But there is only that much you can do. You cannot control the developmental path of your son. Exerting unlimited control over your son is what narcissism is all about - and is exactly what you should avoid at all costs, however worried you might be. Narcissism does tend to breed Narcissism - but not inevitably. Not all the off-spring of a narcissist inexorably become narcissists. The Narcissistic parent regards his or her child as a multi-faceted source of Narcissistic Supply. The child is considered and treated as an extension of the narcissist's personality. It is through the child that the narcissist seeks to settle "open scores" with the world. The child is supposed to realize the unfulfilled grandiose dreams and fantasies of the narcissistic parent. This "Life by Proxy" can develop in two possible ways: the narcissist can either merge with his child or be ambivalent towards him. The ambivalence is the result of a conflict within the narcissist between his wish to attain his narcissistic goals through the child and his pathological (destructive) envy of the child and his accomplishments. To ameliorate the unease bred by such emotional ambivalence, the narcissist resorts to micromanaging the child's life through a myriad of control mechanisms. These can be grouped into: guilt-driven ("I sacrificed my life for you�?), dependence-driven ("I need you, I cannot cope without you�?), goal-driven ("We have a common goal which we must achieve") and explicit ("If you do not adhere to my principles, beliefs, ideology, religion or any other set of values, or if you don't obey my instructions �?I will impose sanctions on you"). The exercise of control helps to sustain the illusion that the child is a part of the narcissist. Such sustenance calls for extraordinary levels of control (on the part of the parent) and obedience (on the part of the child). The relationship is typically symbiotic and emotionally vicissitudinal and turbulent. The child fulfils another important narcissistic function �?that of Narcissistic Supply. There is no denying the implied (though imaginary) immortality in having a child. The early (natural) dependence of the child serves to assuage the fear of abandonment, which is an important driving force in the narcissist's life. The narcissist tries to perpetuate this dependence, using the aforementioned control mechanisms. The child is the ultimate Secondary Source of Narcissistic Supply. He is always around, he admires the narcissist, he accumulates and remembers the narcissist's moments of "glory", and owing to his wish to be loved he can be extorted into forever giving without ever receiving. For the narcissist, a child is a dream come true, but only in the most egotistical sense. When the child is perceived as "reneging" on his chief duty (to provide his narcissistic parent with constant supply of adoration) �?the emotional reaction is harsh and revealing. It is when the narcissistic parent is disenchanted with his child that we see the true nature of this pathological relationship. The child is totally objectified. The narcissist reacts to a breach in the unwritten contract with wells of aggression and aggressive transformations: contempt, rage, emotional and psychological abuse, and even physical violence. He tries to annihilate the real child (brought to the narcissist's awareness through the child's refusal to act as before) and substitute it with the subservient, edifying, former version. The narcissistic parent tends to produce another narcissist in his child. But this outcome can be effectively countered by loving, empathic, predictable, just, and positive upbringing which encourages a sense of autonomy and responsibility. Provide your child with an alternative to his father's venomous and exploitative existence. Trust your son to choose life over death, love over narcissism, human relations over narcissistic supply. Read more about the narcissist's attitude towards his or her children - click on these links: The Narcissist and His Family http://samvak.tripod.com/journal36.html Take care. Sam |
|
Reply
| |
2. This woman has forged and signed my name to a number of documents over the years. She has recently written the IRS and signed my name to obtain my tax records and received them. I donÂ’t know the purpose of this. She has also written my mortgage company and has obtained any and all information she requested. Those letters were also forged and my name signed to them by her. When I purchased the home her credit was so bad that she could not be placed on the mortgage, thus the title was in my name. As of last week I have learned that she has managed to refinance the house in her name only. Even though she filed bankruptcy claiming no interest in any Real Property and writing off her 50,000 in debt. From my tracking of the way this was done she has obviously had help with the settlement company (she canÂ’t qualify for a $180,000 on a take home of 1600 a month) she works part time. Furthermore the payoff the payoff on the house was 149,000 and the home is worth over 350,000 now. Therefore my question is this does she really believe that she is going to get away with this. I for one am alerting the agencies,but outside of me what makes her think she can forge and lie about everything and not suffer the outcome eventually?
|
|
Reply
| | | From: samvak | Sent: 6/07/2004 12:19 p.m. |
Hi, Tyrone, You wonder: "what makes her think she can forge and lie about everything and not suffer the outcome eventually?" Sam: It is called narcissistic immunity. In many respects, narcissists are children. Like children, they engage in magical thinking. They feel omnipotent. They feel that there is nothing they couldn't do or achieve had they only really wanted to. They feel omniscient �?they rarely admit that there is anything that they do not know. They believe that all knowledge resides within them. They are haughtily convinced that introspection is a more important and more efficient (not to mention easier to accomplish) method of obtaining knowledge than the systematic study of outside sources of information in accordance with strict (read: tedious) curricula. To some extent, they believe that they are omnipresent because they are either famous or about to become famous. Deeply immersed in their delusions of grandeur, they firmly believe that their acts have �?or will have �?a great influence on mankind, on their firm, on their country, on others. Having learned to manipulate their human environment to a masterly extent �?they believe that they will always "get away with it". Narcissistic immunity is the (erroneous) feeling, harboured by the narcissist, that he is immune to the consequences of his actions. That he will never be effected by the results of his own decisions, opinions, beliefs, deeds and misdeeds, acts, inaction and by his membership of certain groups of people. That he is above reproach and punishment (though not above adulation). That, magically, he is protected and will miraculously be saved at the last moment. What are the sources of this unrealistic appraisal of situations and chains of events? The first and foremost source is, of course, the False Self. It is constructed as a childish response to abuse and trauma. It is possessed of everything that the child wishes he had in order to retaliate: power, wisdom, magic �?all of them unlimited and instantaneously available. The False Self, this Superman, is indifferent to abuse and punishment inflicted upon it. This way, the True Self is shielded from the harsh realities experienced by the child. This artificial, maladaptive separation between a vulnerable (but not punishable) True Self and a punishable (but invulnerable) False Self is an effective mechanism. It isolates the child from the unjust, capricious, emotionally dangerous world that he occupies. But, at the same time, it fosters a false sense of "nothing can happen to me, because I am not there, I cannot be punished because I am immune". The second source is the sense of entitlement possessed by every narcissist. In his grandiose delusions, the narcissist is a rare specimen, a gift to humanity, a precious, fragile, object. Moreover, the narcissist is convinced both that this uniqueness is immediately discernible �?and that it gives him special rights. The narcissist feels that he is protected under some cosmological law pertaining to "endangered species". He is convinced that his future contribution to humanity should (and does) exempt him from the mundane: daily chores, boring jobs, recurrent tasks, personal exertion, orderly investment of resources and efforts and so on. The narcissist is entitled to "special treatment": high living standards, constant and immediate catering to his needs, the avoidance of any encounter with the mundane and the routine, an all-engulfing absolution of his sins, fast track privileges (to higher education, in his encounters with the bureaucracy). Punishment is for ordinary people (where no great loss to humanity is involved). Narcissists are entitled to a different treatment and they are above it all. The third source has to do with their ability to manipulate their (human) environment. Narcissists develop their manipulative skills to the level of an art form because that is the only way they could have survived their poisoned and dangerous childhood. Yet, they use this "gift" long after its usefulness is over. Narcissists are possessed of inordinate abilities to charm, to convince, to seduce and to persuade. They are gifted orators. In many cases, they ARE intellectually endowed. They put all this to the bad use of obtaining Narcissistic Supply. Many of them are con-men, politicians, or artists. Many of them do belong to the social and economic privileged classes. They mostly do get exempted many times by virtue of their standing in society, their charisma, or their ability to find the willing scapegoats. Having "got away with it" so many times �?they develop a theory of personal immunity, which rests on some kind of societal and even cosmic "order of things". Some people are just above punishment, the "special ones", the "endowed or gifted ones". This is the "narcissistic hierarchy". But there is a fourth, simpler, explanation: The narcissist just does not know what he is doing. Divorced from his True Self, unable to empathise (to understand what it is like to be someone else), unwilling to empathise (to constrain his actions in accordance with the feelings and needs of others) �?he is in a constant dreamlike state. His life to him is a movie, autonomously unfolding, guided by a sublime (even divine) director. He is a mere spectator, mildly interested, greatly entertained at times. He does not feel that his actions are his. He, therefore, emotionally, cannot understand why he should be punished and when he is, he feels grossly wronged. To be a narcissist is to be convinced of a great, inevitable personal destiny. The narcissist is preoccupied with ideal love, the construction of brilliant, revolutionary scientific theories, the composition or authoring or painting of the greatest work of art ever, the founding of a new school of thought, the attainment of fabulous wealth, the reshaping of the fate of a nation, becoming immortalised and so on. The narcissist never sets realistic goals to himself. He is forever floating amidst fantasies of uniqueness, record breaking, or breathtaking achievements. His speech reflects this grandiosity and is interlaced with such expressions. So convinced is the narcissist that he is destined to great things �?that he refuses to accept setbacks, failures and punishments. He regards them as temporary, as someone else's errors, as part of the future mythology of his rise to power/brilliance/wealth/ideal love, etc. A punishment is a diversion of scarce energy and resources from the all-important task of fulfilling his mission in life. This over-riding goal is a divine certainty: a higher order has pre-ordained the narcissist to achieve something lasting, of substance, of import in this world, in this life. How could mere mortals interfere with the cosmic, the divine, scheme of things? Therefore, punishment is impossible and will not happen �?is the narcissist's conclusion. The narcissist is pathologically envious of people �?and projects his feelings unto them. He is always over-suspicious, on guard, ready to fend off an imminent attack. A punishment to the narcissist is a major surprise and a nuisance but it also proves to him and validates what he suspected all the time: that he is being persecuted. Strong forces are poised against him. People are envious of his achievements, angry at him, out to get him. He constitutes a threat to the accepted order. When required to account for his (mis)deeds, the narcissist is always disdainful and bitter. He feels like Gulliver, a giant, chained to the ground by teeming dwarves while his soul soars to a future, in which people will recognise his greatness and applaud it. I have been often accused of being too harsh on the narcissist. The truth is that it is impossible to pass moral judgement over him. The narcissist has no criminal intent (“mens rea�?, though plenty of criminal acts (“acti rei�?. He does not victimise, plunder, terrorise and abuse others in a cold, calculating manner. He does so offhandedly, as a manifestation of his genuine character. To be obnoxious one needs to have intention, to deliberate, to contemplate one's acts and then to choose. No ethical or moral judgement is possible without an act of choice. The narcissist's perception of his life and his existence is discontinuous. The narcissist is a walking compilation of "people", each with his own personal history. The narcissist does not feel that he is, in any way, related to his former "selves". He, therefore, does not understand WHY he has to be punished for someone else's actions. Societal punishment coupled with the narcissist's detachment from his former selves �?breeds in him surprise, hurt and rage. The narcissist is surprised by society's insistence that he should be punished for his deeds and be held responsible for them. He feels wronged, hurt, affected by bias, discrimination and injustice. He rebels and rages. Unable to connect his act (perpetrated, as far as he is concerned, by a previous phase of his self, alien to his "current" self) to its outcomes �?the narcissist is constantly baffled. Depending upon the level of pervasiveness of his magical thinking �?the narcissist may develop a feeling of being persecuted by powers greater than he, forces cosmic and intrinsically ominous. He may develop compulsive rites to fend off this "bad", unwarranted, influence. The narcissist is an assemblage. He plays host to many personas. One of the personas is always in the "limelight". This is the persona, which interfaces with the outside world, and which guarantees an optimal inflow of Narcissistic Supply. This is the persona, which minimises the resistance to the narcissist offered by his human environment and, thus, the energy, which the narcissist needs to expend in the process of obtaining his supply. The "limelight persona" is surrounded by "shade personas". The latter are potential personas, ready to surface as soon as the narcissist needs them. Their emergence depends on their usefulness. An old persona might be rendered useless or less useful by a confluence of events. The narcissist is in the habit of constantly and erratically changing his circumstances. He switches between, vocations, marriages, "friendships", countries, residences, lovers, and even enemies with startling and difficult to follow swiftness. He is a machine whose sole aim is to optimise its input, rather than its output �?the input of Narcissistic Supply. To achieve its goal, this machine stops at nothing, and does not hesitate to alter itself beyond recognition. To achieve ego-syntony (to feel good despite all these upheavals) �?the narcissist employs the twin mechanism of idealisation and devaluation. The first mechanism is intended to help him to tenaciously attach to his newfound Source of Supply �?the second to detach from it, once its usefulness has been exhausted. This is why and how the narcissist is able to pick up where he left off so easily. Sometimes a narcissist returns to haunt an old or defunct PNS (Pathological Narcissistic Space, the hunting grounds of the narcissist). This happens when a narcissist can no longer occupy �?physically or emotionally �?his current PNS. A narcissist who is imprisoned or exiled is a good (though rare) example. Once imprisoned or exiled, the narcissist can no longer rely on obtaining Narcissistic Supply from his old sources. He has to reinvent and reshape a new PNS. In his new country, for instance, he would try out a few personas in his wardrobe until he finds the one that provides him with the best results. But if the narcissist were to return to his previous PNS (his original country) �?he would have no difficulty in adjusting. He would immediately assume his old persona and begin to extract Narcissistic Supply from his old sources. The personas of the narcissist, in other words, bond with his respective PNSs. These couplets are both interchangeable and inseparable in the narcissist's mind. Every time he moves �?the narcissist changes the narcissistic couplet: his PNS and the persona attached thereto. Thus, the narcissist is spatially and temporally spread out. His different personas (he does not feel that they are part of the current "he") forever wander in the twilight zone of his various four-dimensional PNSs. We say "four dimensional" because, to a narcissist, a PNS is defined and "frozen" both in space and in time. This narcissistic slicing is what stands behind the narcissist's apparent inability to predict the inevitable outcomes of his actions. This �?coupled with his inability to empathise �?is what makes him so obnoxious to many and, on the other hand, so resilient and a "survivor". His daredevil approach to life, his callousness, his ruthlessness, his maverick-ness, and, above all, his shock at being held accountable �?are all partly the results of his uncanny ability to reinvent himself. More about narcissists as white collar criminals: Take care. |
|
Reply
| |
How can a mother use their own children to give off the percetion that she is a honest loving person in the community. Are they only to be used for her purpose and gain.
|
|
Reply
| |
What in the world do these people do with money and have nothing to show for it and why do they refuse to pay anyone back? Furthermore what leads them to believe someone should always take care of them? |
|
Reply
| | | From: samvak | Sent: 8/07/2004 3:31 p.m. |
Hi, Tyrone, Narcissists feel entitled. This is one of the important criteria of NPD. Money stands for love in the narcissist's emotional vocabulary. Having been deprived of love early on in his childhood, the narcissist constantly seeks for love substitutes. To him, money is THE love substitute. All the qualities of the narcissist are manifest in his relationship with money, and in his attitude towards it. Due to his sense of entitlement - he feels that he is entitled to other people's money. His grandiosity leads him to believe that he should have, or does have more money than he actually has. This leads to reckless spending, to pathological gambling, to substance abuse, or to compulsive shopping. Their magical thinking leads narcissists to irresponsible and short-sighted behavior, the results of which they believe themselves to be immune from. So, they descend to debt, they commit financial crimes, they hassle people, including their closest relatives. Their fantasies lead them to believe in financial (fabricated) "facts" (achievements) - incommensurate with their talents, qualifications, jobs, and resources. They pretend to be richer than they are, or capable of becoming rich, if they so resolve. They have a love-hate ambivalent relationship with money. They are mean, stingy, and calculating with their own money - and spendthrift with OPM (other people's money). They live lavishly, well above their means. The often go bankrupt and ruin their businesses. Reality very rarely matches their grandiose fantasies. Nowhere is the grandiosity gap more evident than where money is involved. Let me tell you about my experience as a narcissist: When I have money, I can exercise my sadistic urges freely and with little fear of repercussions. Money shields me from life itself, from the outcomes of my actions, it insulates me warmly and safely, like a benevolent blanket, like a mother's good night kiss. Yes, money is undoubtedly a love substitute. And it allows me to be my ugly, corrupt, and dilapidated self. Money buys me absolution and my own friendship, forgiveness, and acceptance. With money in the bank, I feel at ease with myself, free, arrogantly soaring supreme above the contemptible masses. I can always find people poorer than I, a cause for great disdain and bumptiousness on my part. I rarely use money to buy, corrupt, and intimidate. I wear 15 year old tattered clothes, I have no car, no house, no property. It is so even when I am wealthy. Money has nothing to do with my physical needs or with my social interactions. I never deploy it to acquire status, or to impress others. I hide it, hoard it, accumulate it and, like the proverbial miser, count it daily and in the dark. It is my licence to sin, my narcissistic permit, a promise and its fulfillment all at once. It unleashes the beast in me and, with abandon, encourages it - nay, seduces it - to be itself. I am not tight-fisted. I spend money on restaurants and trips abroad and books and health products. I buy gifts (though reluctantly). I speculate and have lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in wanton gambling in the stock exchanges. I am insatiable, always want more, always lose the little that I have. But I do all this not for the love of money, for I do not use it to gratify my self or to cater to my needs. No, I do not crave money, nor care for it. I need the power that it bestows on me to dare, to flare, to conquer, to oppose, to resist, to taunt, and to torment. In all my relationships, I am either the vanquished or the vanquisher, either the haughty master, or his abject slave, either the dominant, or the recessive. I interact along the up-down axis, rather than along the left-right one. My world is rigidly hierarchical and abusively stratified. When submissive, I am contemptibly so. When domineering, I am contemptuously so. My life is a pendulum swinging between oppressed and oppressor. To subjugate another, one must be capricious, unscrupulous, ruthless, obsessive, hateful, vindictive, and penetrating. One must spot the cracks of vulnerability, the crumbling foundations of susceptibility, the pains, the trigger mechanisms, the Pavlovian reactions of hate, and fear, and hope, and anger. Money liberates my mind. It endows it with the tranquility, detachment, and incisiveness of a natural scientist. With my mind free of the quotidian, I can concentrate on attaining the desired position - on top, dreaded, derided, avoided - yet obeyed and deferred to. I then proceed with cool disinterest to unscramble the human jigsaw puzzles, to manipulate their parts, to enjoy their writhing as I expose their petty misbehaviors, harp on their failures, compare them to their betters, and mock their incompetence, hypocrisy, and cupidity. Oh, I disguise it in socially acceptable cloak - only to draw the dagger. I cast myself in the role of a brave, incorruptible iconoclast, a fighter for social justice, for a better future, for more efficiency, for good causes. But it is all about my sadistic urges, really. It is all about death, not life. Still, antagonizing and alienating my potential benefactors is a pleasure that I cannot afford on an empty purse. When impoverished, I am altruism embodied - the best of friends, the most caring of tutors, a benevolent guide, a lover of humanity, and a fierce fighter against narcissism, sadism, and abuse in all their myriad forms. I adhere, I obey, I succumb, I agree wholeheartedly, I praise, condone, idolize, and applaud. I am the perfect audience, an admirer and an adulator, a worm and an amoeba - spineless, adaptable in form, slithery flexibility itself. To behave so is unbearable for a narcissist, hence my addiction to money (really, to freedom) in all its forms. It is my evolutionary ladder from slime to the sublime - to mastery. Some narcissists are ostentatiously generous �?they donate to charity, lavish gifts on their closest, abundantly provide for their nearest and dearest, and, in general, are open-handed and unstintingly benevolent. How can this be reconciled with the pronounced lack of empathy and with the pernicious self-preoccupation that is so typical of narcissists? The act of giving enhances the narcissist's sense of omnipotence, his fantastic grandiosity, and the contempt he holds for others. It is easy to feel superior to the supplicating recipients of one's largesse. Narcissistic altruism is about exerting control and maintaining it by fostering dependence in the beneficiaries. But narcissists give for other reasons as well. The narcissist flaunts his charitable nature as a bait. He impresses others with his selflessness and kindness and thus lures them into his lair, entraps them, and manipulates and brainwashes them into subservient compliance and obsequious collaboration. People are attracted to the narcissist's larger than life posture �?only to discover his true personality traits when it is far too late. "Give a little to take a lot" �?is the narcissist's creed. This does not prevent the narcissist from assuming the role of the exploited victim. Narcissists always complain that life and people are unfair to them and that they invest far more than their "share of the profit". The narcissist feels that he is the sacrificial lamb, the scapegoat, and that his relationships are asymmetric and imbalanced. "She gets out of our marriage far more than I do" �?is a common refrain. Or: "I do all the work around here �?and they get all the perks and benefits!" Faced with such (mis)perceived injustice �?and once the relationship is clinched and the victim is "hooked" �?the narcissist tries to minimize his contributions. He regards his input as a contractual maintenance chore and the unpleasant and inevitable price he has to pay for his Narcissistic Supply. After many years of feeling deprived and wronged, some narcissists lapse into "sadistic generosity" or "sadistic altruism". They use their giving as a weapon to taunt and torment the needy and to humiliate them. In the distorted thinking of the narcissist, donating money gives him the right and license to hurt, chastise, criticize, and berate the recipient. His generosity, feels the narcissist, elevates him to a higher moral ground. Most narcissists confine their giving to money and material goods. Their munificence is an abusive defense mechanism, intended to avoid real intimacy. Their "big-hearted" charity renders all their relationships �?even with their spouses and children �?"business-like", structured, limited, minimal, non-emotional, unambiguous, and non-ambivalent. By doling out bounteously, the narcissist "knows where he stands" and does not feel threatened by demands for commitment, emotional investment, empathy, or intimacy. In the narcissist's wasteland of a life, even his benevolence is spiteful, sadistic, punitive, and distancing. More here: http://samvak.tripod.com/corporatenarcissism.html http://samvak.tripod.com/journal50.html http://samvak.tripod.com/faq45.html http://samvak.tripod.com/journal37.html Take care. Sam |
|
Reply
| |
5. The other night she said that I wish I was her and I told her you are projecting your issues when in fact you wish you were me and that is why you love to forge documents in my name. Does she really believe her own lies and that she is really that charming as she told her ONE friend who lives 2000 miles away and I quote ‘You know how charming I can be�?/P> <o:p></o:p> Thank you Dr Sam, after learning the traits of NPD I saw 7 of the nine in her right away and believe she has the other two also. The knowledge of NPD has certainly helped me in understanding that it certainly was not me. <o:p></o:p> |
|
Reply
| | | From: samvak | Sent: 9/07/2004 12:10 p.m. |
Hi, Tyrone, Thank you for your kind words. Narcissists believe their own lies. Confabulations are an important part of life. They serve to heal emotional wounds or to prevent ones from being inflicted in the first place. They prop-up the confabulator's self-esteem, regulate his (or her) sense of self-worth, and buttress his (or her) self-image. They serve as organizing principles in social interactions. Father's wartime heroism, mother's youthful good looks, one's oft-recounted exploits, erstwhile alleged brilliance, and past purported sexual irresistibility - are typical examples of white, fuzzy, heart-warming lies wrapped around a shrivelled kernel of truth. But the distinction between reality and fantasy is rarely completely lost. Deep inside, the healthy confabulator knows where facts end and wishful thinking takes over. Father acknowledges he was no war hero, though he did his share of fighting. Mother understands she was no ravishing beauty, though she may have been attractive. The confabulator realizes that his recounted exploits are overblown, his brilliance exaggerated, and his sexual irresistibility a myth. Such distinctions never rise to the surface because everyone - the confabulator and his audience alike - have a common interest to maintain the confabulation. To challenge the integrity of the confabulator or the veracity of his confabulations is to threaten the very fabric of family and society. Human intercourse is built around such entertaining deviations from the truth. This is where the narcissist differs from others (from "normal" people). His very self is a piece of fiction concocted to fend off hurt and to nurture the narcissist's grandiosity. He fails in his "reality test" - the ability to distinguish the actual from the imagined. The narcissist fervently believes in his own infallibility, brilliance, omnipotence, heroism, and perfection. He doesn't dare confront the truth and admit it even to himself. Moreover, he imposes his personal mythology on his nearest and dearest. Spouse, children, colleagues, friends, neighbors - sometimes even perfect strangers - must abide by the narcissist's narrative or face his wrath. The narcissist countenances no disagreement, alternative points of view, or criticism. To him, confabulation IS reality. The coherence of the narcissist's dysfunctional and precariously-balanced personality depends on the plausibility of his stories and on their acceptance by his Sources of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissist invests an inordinate time in substantiating his tales, collecting "evidence", defending his version of events, and in re-interpreting reality to fit his scenario. As a result, most narcissists are self-delusional, obstinate, opinionated, and argumentative. The narcissist's lies are not goal-orientated. This is what makes his constant dishonesty both disconcerting and incomprehensible. The narcissist lies at the drop of a hat, needlessly, and almost ceaselessly. He lies in order to avoid the Grandiosity Gap - when the abyss between fact and (narcissistic) fiction becomes too gaping to ignore. The narcissist lies in order to preserve appearances, uphold fantasies, support the tall (and impossible) tales of his False Self and extract Narcissistic Supply from unsuspecting sources, who are not yet on to him. To the narcissist, confabulation is not merely a way of life - but life itself. We are all conditioned to let other indulge in pet delusions and get away with white, not too egregious, lies. The narcissist makes use of our socialization. We dare not confront or expose him, despite the outlandishness of his claims, the improbability of his stories, the implausibility of his alleged accomplishments and conquests. We simply turn the other cheek, or meekly avert our eyes, often embarrassed. Moreover, the narcissist makes clear, from the very beginning, that it is his way or the highway. His aggression - even violent streak - are close to the surface. He may be charming in a first encounter - but even then there are telltale signs of pent-up abuse. His interlocutors sense this impending threat and avoid conflict by acquiescing with the narcissist's fairy tales. Thus he imposes his private universe and virtual reality on his milieu - sometimes with disastrous consequences. One important comment, though: Please do not forget that only a qualified mental health diagnostician - which I am not (more about me here: http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/indexqa.html ) - can determine whether someone suffers from NPD and this, following lengthy tests and personal interviews. Hope you fould our exchange useful. Take care. Sam
|
|
|
First
Previous
2-9 of 9
Next
Last
|
|
Return to General