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| From:  -Tammy_S- (Original Message) | Sent: 2/08/2004 4:11 a.m. |
I met this person approximately 14 years ago. At the time we were both working in a foreign country and had only recently arrived. Actually the first time I saw him it was only in passing and I felt an immediate attraction which is a bit unusual for me. A couple of years later I overheard him telling someone that it was love at first sight for him. We were introduced by a friend a mutual friend. I've never worked out their relationship then it was my understanding that they had just met. Anyway I bumped into him a few times and she often had dinner parties where we were both invited. Initially I sort of avoided him as I had put him in a "too young category" he is five years younger than I (he was 22 and I was 27 when we met). I began dancing with him at a surprise party for me a couple of months after we had first met and began thinking of him as a man rather than a boy. Alcohol, festivities and probably his persistence he ended up spending the night with me and from then on he was always there. Waiting for me when I got home from work etc, or waiting for me at the train station, or meeting me at my job. I thought he was really romantic because he would wait for me at night at the train station when it rained with an umbrella. I thought he was kind and really cared for me. Early on in our relationship he said he didn't like the word 'love' because he had used it out of habit with an old girlfriend and it didn't mean anything so he only wanted to say it when he meant it. I respected him for that but he did begin to use it with me pretty quickly probably after about a month so I felt quite flattered and secure. One night when I came home he was in my flat asleep and told me that he had a big fight with this friend that introduced us. He wouldn't go into detail only saying that she (lived upstairs and was a co-worker began acting very strangely towards me. He said that she got very angry with him and threw a phone at him. I had considered her a good friend but when I tried to speak with her and try to smooth things over between them she said that she didn't want to tell me because I would probably marry him and then she avoided me as well. I thought maybe she was a little strange and later heard from another friend that she had a 'crush' on me and had been jealous of my boyfriend. A few years ago she came up in our conversation and he told me that she had hit on him that night but he didn't want to hurt me by saying so. Anyway I'm relaying this story because over the years this happened with 3 or 4 girlfriends I had. They would have a fight with him I was never around and then completely cut off relations with him and then with me. He would say they were strange and they would say that he was an asshole they were sorry but not explain what happened or why they were ending out friendship. One strange thing did happen just at the beginning of our relationship it was really hot and heavy and then he had to fly home to his country for a passport. Originally he was only going to be gone for two weeks but ended up being gone for a month. He didn't call me at all and I began thinking that maybe he didn't care then about 3 weeks after he had left he called me at my work from overseas asked how I was and told me that he looked at a picture of me he had in his wallet everyday. That he had been really busy but that day he looked at it and thought oh god what have I done? And called to see if I was still waiting for him? I was flattered and the next week he came back we picked up where we left off. He brought be a bunch of cheap stuffed toy souvenirs from his country representing all the unusual animals and I treasured them. On with the story.... After a few months of dating he was getting kicked out of his flat he said the reason was that I had spent the night there once and the landlord was angry. He had a flatmate that was leaving the country and couldn't really afford to live in a place on his own. My place was a small studio sponsored by my job so I couldn't really let him live there so we agreed to move in together and got a bigger flat. This happened very quickly I remember my sister and mother coming to visit just as we were moving and they were so surprised that I was moving in with him and hadn't even told them about him! This was the reaction of my friends back home as well previously I had dated quite a bit and a few men for a long time but I had never wanted to live with them or committed so this was a big change for me in their eyes. The thing is I hadn't even noticed it seemed natural he was at my place all the time anyway. My family particularly my sister didn't seem to impressed with him and he seemed to clash with her during that visit. I do remember having second thoughts one day about moving in with him and having a talk with him just before we paid the deposit on the lease for the new place. I told him I was worried about moving in with him because he was soooo neat and I was a bit messy. He said we would work it out. I mention that because not only did he wait for me at my flat but often when I returned he would have cleaned and rearranged the furniture this happened on a weekly basis and I always told him it was strange because I never knew where to find things in my own house. He would pout and I would thank him for his effort but sometimes I found it frustrating. Moving in this country was a bit difficult for a foreigner you had to be sponsored by your company your boss had to sort of co-sign the lease with you and vouch to the landlord that you were okay. I didn't think about this then but now I wonder if that might have been part of his rush in the relationship he didn't have someone to do that for him I did. In fact I had a great job and he had a number of low pay manual labor jobs in the first year that we were together that never seemed to work out. He also refused to talk about past relationships did not want to know about who I had dated and did not want to talk about who he had dated. For someone so young he did say that he liked dating girls for a long time and that most of his relationships lasted for more than a year. He told me that the girl he had last dated was really beautiful but not very smart. He said that he broke up with her in a mean way but then later saw her out with someone else and cried. He told me that what he liked about me is that I was beautiful and really smart. He really liked the fact that I was a business woman and had so much business experience. He said that at first he thought I was professional but maybe a little cold but when I cried at a movie we went to he knew then I had a gentle heart and was the one for him. Yes, I was flattered! Eventually I helped him to get some private contracts through my work and he got back on his feet . About 6 months after we were living together I came home and all the stuffed toys he had bought me were gone. I asked what happened and he said he gave them to a child down the road. I was crushed they were the only gift I had from him and I cried and cried he said he couldn't understand why I was upset because they weren't expensive. I remember telling him that they meant a lot to me and that they were his first present to me and came from his country why I was really upset was that they seemed to mean nothing to him. He then gave me a teddybear which I hated I guess because they reminded me of the toys I had loved but I kept it for years on a shelf anyway. This thing about the stuff toys sounds petty maybe but he never really gave me gifts or flowers. He always seemed preoccupied with saving money for a business he wanted to start when he returned to his country and saved for that but would spend lots of money on shares stocks and literature about franchisee opportunities. Often I would say well what do you like doing what would you enjoy he had no idea but wanted a business where he could have employees be the boss and they would do the work and manage. As I had had two businesses myself prior to meeting him I would say it's not like that you have to work really hard and you don't really get time off that small business often fail and that it should be something you enjoy. He would spend hours and hours looking at business opportunities and investments. And considered this his real job and the work he did on the private contracts which was quite lucrative as just something you did for money. We lived there for about 7 years during that time we made good money and began saving towards our lives together. We worked long hours 7 days a week but would travel to exotic places during national holidays. We had a lot of fun during our somewhat forced holidays but the rest of the time we continued to work long hours 7 days a week. We often went out late at night and would chat alone for hours he loved being with me and always told me I was his best friend , dream woman etc. but he rarely wanted to go out with anyone but me and would often be moody and leave parties etc. When I made plans with friends that spoke English. He considered all the friends "my friends" and didn't seem to get attached to anyone. I often would try and make freindships with couples that we both enjoyed and although he might go along with it he never considered any of these people " his friends". He would say that he was very picky about his friends and only really seemed to have two. The one friend that seemed to maintain contact with him infrequently but consistently seemed very nice and even allowed X to borrow his credentials when X needed some and didn't have any of his own. He didn't seem to have a close relationship with his family at all and his parents and siblings rarely called possible 2 or 3 times total over the years. When I asked him about them he would always say he loved them that they were beautiful etc but no real detail. The same was true when I would ask about his families customs during holidays etc. he really wouldn't answer. My family and friends called pretty regularly and a number of them came to visit while we lived there. He always acted as if it was an imposition when they came and often wouldn't want them to stay with us. I remember that we had a few arguments about this but I put it down to cultural differences and explained to him that they had spent thousands of dollars to come and visit and I didn't want them to stay in hotels when they were only visiting for a week or so and had no way to get around or communicate in the language of that country. He would often continue working during their visits I would take them around sightseeing during the day but in the evenings he would be charming when we went out to dinner or theater with them. We both became reasonably fluent in the Asian language while we lived there but he would insist on speaking English at home and wasn't interested in making friends with any of the locals. The few times that we would go out it was almost always with clients and it was interesting because he would drink and began lecturing to them. He had a larger vocabulary than I but often he would go off in tangents and talk about things that had nothing to do with their questions. I would often have to whisper to him actually they asked this or that or said this or that it was like he had learned to express himself quite well but didn't really have the ability or desire to understand what they were saying in the new language. Financially during this time he often ran short of cash and I would cover for him sometimes he would pay me back sometimes he never did. I put it down to his inability to manage funds as he was earning good money then. At the end of this time he was unable to continue to get sponsorship with his part-time employer and unable to renew his visa and had to go leave the country. We talked briefly about where we would move. I wanted to move to his country as I had never lived there before, love to travel and thought it would be an adventure. He wanted to move to my country but at the time as we were not married it would have been difficult for him to acquire the proper visa to work there and even if we married it would be sometime before he would be able to so. We had spent a lot of time talking about his country anyway and he had already purchased property there for which I had lent him a considerable sum. He was adamant that he did not want to go back to his State so we agreed to move to a large city in another state in his country. We made plans to relocate and he left a few months before me. I continued the contracts and organized for other people to purchase them packed up and sent all our stuff to him. This took about 3 months and while I was busy I also had a lot of difficulty getting in contact with him. He seemed to be off partying a lot and almost living the single life with some of his old friends that lived in the new city in his country that we moved to. I told myself that he was just having fun and really didn't worry about it. We arranged to take a small trip together before I moved there and met in my country for that. I was very excited and took him around to meet all my family and friends and to see the sites. Strangely although we hadn't seen eachother for 3 months he was cold and withdrawn and didn't seem to enjoy himself much. He had a big blow up one night at a restaurant with some of my friends and I suddenly had doubts about relocating to a new country with him where I knew no one and my friends expressed some doubts as well as his behavior was pretty odd. After a day or so he bought me a gift (the second in all those years) apologized and said that he had been angry because I had responded to one of my friends inquiries about a politician when he expressly asked me not to! I found this a really weird reason to be angry but he seemed to want to let it go and we had spent so many years without really ever fighting it didn't seem worth it to continue mulling over his odd behavior. We went to his country and it was so very different from I expected. We had planned to spend the first couple of months traveling around visiting his relatives friends and deciding where we wanted to live a well deserved break after all our hard work. Instead when I arrived I found out that he had spent most of his money had lent my money (the money I was going to live on and attend school travel with etc. to a family member) and hadn't done anything about setting up a home for us. He had rented a really old place that was empty in a really bad neighborhood and as most of our additional funds were invested I gave him the money I had with me to catch up on bills bought furniture etc. and had to go and find a job within a week of getting there. He had been working in a sales job but soon it became apparent that he wasn't making any income. After a few months he lined up a job that paid reasonably well for there but he was really unhappy about the reduction in his income and also about his lack of responsibility. I continues working during the day and started studying in the evenings. So again I was pretty busy all the time. He worked during the day but often went out with his friends during the evenings. Most of them were single men and were on the lookout for women and he would spend time giving them advice on how to pick up girls and I would sit there feeling a bit left out. After a couple of months of this I became really miserable although I had made a few friends at work and at university I felt very isolated I couldn't drive, lived in an area that was very unsafe to walk in at night and he hadn't ever taken me out to show me the sights we never traveled around to meet his friends and family and he seemed to be critical of me. Suddenly complaining that I needed to work harder on my appearance etc. I was really unhappy and finally called a friend that I had made overseas that was the same nationality but lived in another city I told her that he had changed that he wasn't acting as if he loved me and that I wanted to move out. I told him that as well that I was sorry but that I couldn't believe the way that he was talking to me or treating me and that I was going to move out, complete my degree in 6 months and could he return the money he borrowed. He agreed that he would and asked if I would stay there until he could get the funds returned. He then began staying at home actually took me out on a couple of dates and began talking to me like he used to. He also went out less with his friends and told me that he had told them that he was a 'married man' and needed to spend more time with me. From this time on he didn't go out much in the evenings either with friends or with me and when they would call perhaps once or twice a month he would always ask say So and so wants to go out is that all right? Of course I said yes because he needed to go out and have fun but it always made me feel bad that his friends must think I was some sort of dictator and also that he would always be up and ready in 5 minutes to go out whenever they called but even if for the last week I had been asking him to see the latest movie with me and he would say "maybe" as soon as one of his friends called he was out the door and I was alone at home. At the same time he would tell all his friends that I was his best friend his soulmate and that he couldn't live without me. Not long after he quit his job they had given him a raise but he requested more and said he thought it was a dead end job. He then spent the next 6 months or so looking to buy a business and I guess somewhere along the way I decided to stay with him. Basically the next 7 years continued in this way my working helping him with various businesses and him very concerned with becoming a successful businessman. Funnily although he worked very hard he would often make bad unthoughtout decisions and I was constantly having to help him with his books or smoothing things over with staff etc. He also never seemed to care about his own comfort or ours everything to do with our home I did cooking, cleaning buying things. The neatfreak once we had moved never cleaned or cooked again. My life partner had turned into a workaholic during the day and weekends and a couch potato at night rarely going out and only had a couple of the same old friends. Over the years he would get angry with them and one by one wouldn't see them anymore. Even that childhood friend that had been so good to him while we were overseas he stopped contacting said he didn't have anything to say to him anymore. He also seemed to hate his mother and eventually cut off all contact with her. Socially, our lives remained the same he went out with the same couple of friends once or twice a month. I had stopped trying to have friends over because he was always so moody and unpredictable when they were around. He also didn't want to go out with me except to dinner. He didn't want to go dancing or to a show. Whenever one of his friends had a party he would be the centre of attention laughing joking but would act sullen and bored whenever we went out with my friends. I began to feel ugly and no fun and I couldn't understand why he didn't want to do things with me. I was popular at school and at work and often went out to lunch or coffee and sometimes for drinks but he would never go with me. He also never wanted to celebrate holidays and although I always had a special event for his birthday he wouldn't do anything for mine and never gave me gifts. I put this down to his mysterious bad abusive childhood that I didn't really know anything about but he hinted about once in a while and so did his family. He continued to say I was his best friend, soul mate and would tell others as well that I was his world and that he couldn't do anything without me. |
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PART TWO: By then we had been together for quite a few years and he started to say we should have children as I was getting older I was pressured to do the same from family. We hadn't bought a home and had never really settled in and by then all his money and most of his were invested in his businesses. One holiday we decided to have children. We became pregnant immediately I was overjoyed and so was he we got married. The baby was the most amazing thing that ever happened to me I was thrilled he seemed less so and in fact didn't have much to do with our child at first. I remember just after her birth he insisted that I go with him to a conference it was hard I had just had a cesarean and she was tiny but we went because he insisted and said he wouldn't go if we didn't. He had just sold his business and was looking for a new one. We went and he really enjoyed the attention we receive when we were there and said a baby was like a dog that alone nobody wanted to talk to you but with a child suddenly you were the centre of attention. A week or so later my Mother came to help out (none of his family came and later I found out he told then he didn't want them to) she told me later that she was so angry at him when she came that he was acting like he had had the baby and here I was running around doing everything for everyone and still had stitches and could barely walk. I just remember being overjoyed and exhausted. I do remember an incident while my mother was there she was in the kitchen cooking us something to eat and I was chatting with her when the baby started to cry. I went to her room and there he was holding her tightly. She was hungry I was breastfeeding but he held on to her tightly and gave me this look like she is mine and you can't have her. I remember thinking why does he feel that way I said to him. She's ours and she stops crying when I hold her because she is hungry I won't take her away she's ours we are a family and I won't leave you. He gave her to me and that was that but it was odd. He also did absolutely nothing to help with her. He would sleep through her cries and would say he was too tired to read to her or bathe her while I made dinner. I once asked how can you sleep when she cries why don't you ever get up and he said because I don't have to you will. I thought what he said was mean but it was true. At that time I had just quit work to have the baby and he wasn't working because he sold his business and was looking for another. For six months for the first time I was financially dependent on him and he relished in it he had a lot of extra cash from selling the business After a couple of months I became a bit bored and was invited to go back to the university and do a PhD. He seemed to like the idea of having a doctor for a wife and bragged about it to everyone. For a year there we were really happy again a new baby, and a new life for both of us I was a student again and he had a new business. Financially it was tough and our lifestyle changed again we lived in a small flat and both of our savings were tied up in his new venture. Again I was really busy studying, working a bit here and there, helping a lot with his business and had full responsibility of our child. But I loved being a mother and began making lots of new friends with other new parents. I also wanted to have another baby as soon as possible. Unfortunately, although we had always had a good and active sex life he suddenly didn't seem interested in sex. Here I was dying to have another child and he the man who always wanted sex for all those years suddenly was reluctant. I began to notice that he had lots of pornography and would sneak away in the middle of the night to masturbate on his computer or with videos. We were living at the same location as his business so everything seemed to revolve around him and the business when we ate what we did when we bathed slept etc. It wasnt' easy but I thoght couples go through hard times like this and kept plugging away and he was working very hard to build the business. Everything we had was going into it to make it bigger and bigger. About the same time my career began getting bumpy due to problems at the university my project wasn't getting approved my PhD was on hold etc. He began telling me that it was useless a financial drain that I should give up and that I wouldn't be making more money even when I finished. One night we went to dinner with some of my friends and he got a bit drunk the hostess was also doing a PhD and he went into a tirade about what a useless pursuit it was. They began arguing and then he began to assassinate my character telling them that I was weak, stupid useless that I didn't even support him or help him with his business that I was a big leech. I was mortified he had never talked that way to me and here he was saying it in front of my friends. They were shocked and angry and we left. I didn't speak to him for a couple of days. Remember we had rarely argued and when we had he would usually sulk never talk about it until I would just forget it. The only times when I became angry he would suddenly be very repentant like I mentioned above. I wrote him a long letter explaining all the things I did to support him and had done. Working in all his businesses in my free time using my salary to pay for household expenses, putting my studies on hold to help him and taking care of our child. After a couple of days he said it was a good letter that he had forgotten about this or that and became nicer again. We became pregnant almost immediately but I had a miscarriage. Life went on and then about 3 months later he suddenly went into a rage said all those things again packed a bag and left. I was in shock. Why was he angry what had I done? I realized that I would have a difficult time supporting myself and my daughter and continuing to study so I stayed with friends for a couple of days and tried to figure things out. I realized that everything in our house I had paid for and that if I remained there I could just get by so I went back and he came back immediately. He said it was his place and that he wanted to stay there because that was the only time he could see our child because he worked so many hours. We lived together but apart for a week or so and he began pressuring me for sex one night he began while I was asleep and waking up while he was already in action so to speak I let him continue and cried and cried. He began wooing me again and of course I was pregnant once again. I decided that the whole thing was just a nightmare that lasted a week and decided to just put it out of my mind and began thinking about the new baby. This time unfortunately we had a stillbirth. I was devastated why was I having all these problems and all he did was work. I planned the funeral and did everything by myself. I thought that maybe he dealt with his grief differently thank god a girlfriend showed up unexpectedly from overseas and helped me through it. I began feeling really old and tired I was now in my late thirties and seemed to be doing everything by myself even holidays he now would say that he was too busy to go anywhere so most of the time we didn't once a year I would go and visit my family overseas with my daughter I of course paid. He would say he was too busy but when we were away we would miss him terribly and call but he was never around the man who could do nothing but work would say I miss you so much I've been going out with friends everynight we went here or there. In our day to day life I felt alone. Whenever our child was sick it was me taking time off to take care of her whenever there was a crisis with his business it was me taking time off from my studies which he now regularly termed as useless to help him. He was home everynight we always had dinner together but the other 20 hours a day our lives were consumed with his business. I had decided to stop the PhD things were still really slow at the university and had begun to think there would be no more children. Then suddenly career wise things shot up I got an offer from another university not only a good job that was flexible and would allow me continue helping him and taking care of our daughter but also a big grant that would pay for my PhD and would cover our household expenses. I was elated I was so excited but all he could say was that it was a waste of time and that I could earn more money than that and had done so overseas. He himself although now he had a couple of business wasn't earning a thing. I paid for our household and home and everything he made went into hiring more staff and buying more equipment. I told him it was a great offer and took it. My new position was great I was happy again with work and my studies and the new university. His business was on it's feet enough that I only had to help out once a week, sometimes on weekends or to cover when staff was sick. Overall it looked like we were progressing. Then suddenly we began to have problems with our daughter she was 2 but began acting out at daycare never at home but would suddenly get very aggressive with children or staff. I began taking her to counseling I sold my last stock the final bit of savings I had kept over the years to put her in a really expensive school and took more time off to help her. Suddenly he had an emergency at work and needed me to quit everything and help him for six months. I did basically taking care of her helping him stopped working but kept up the grant so that it could continue to pay for our household and tried to study at night. I had progressed quickly at the university and had been given a few opportunities to attend conferences overseas and out of state. He seemed to like this trips and bragged about how well I was doing to others. Often in front of me but I began to worry about using the grant money for us and not spending time on my project and worried more and more about our beautiful child that was clearly very clever and well behaved at home but physically and verbally aggressive at school for apparently no reason. Happily her father had started to spend more time with her and began regularly taking her with him on his deliveries once a week. I really was a full-time mom and housewife and unrecognized business partner. I had friendships with all the staff and continued to smooth things over whenever there were problems with him and them. He would often make demands suddenly even threaten to fire the ones that had been there for a long time. This was a big issue because he had a big turnover with staff and there were only a couple that stayed with him for years and he really couldn't afford to lose them. But clearly he was the boss and I let him be. When I began to say at home that I felt like a slave my original neat freak had turned into a big slob wouldn't even pick up his dirty tissues or dinner plates and insisted on eating and spending whatever time he was at home in front of the TV. He would sometimes go to the office again after dinner and would spend hours playing computer games and watching porno. If I would complain his standard reply was I worked all day and you don't I support you this is your job. I would argue with him sometimes but his claims were so ludicrous no matter how big the businesses got there was never money for us. I still supported the household and did almost everything. The businesses by then were running themselves and he was always on deliveries. I would tell him why aren't you selling or going after this market. I still did most of his advertising etc. but he hired bookkeepers to do the books, business consultants to advise him on business. In a lot of ways for someone who wanted to be such a big businessman he really didn't have the head for it he never knew how much he made on a daily basis would often overstaff even when business was slow and spend a lot of time in his office doing nothing or out on deliveries. I'd say if you are so short of money why don't you send some of the staff home and why do you spend so much time on deliveries? Why don't you pick up more contracts or do this or that Often he would say that I didn't care about him or his business but he would use my ideas and then pretend they were his. While he was mentally making me feel unimportant and invisible at home in public he was the family man and great husband in public and now his daughter was his world and best friend and I was a lump. He would not answer when I called him on the phone or hang up and then pretend nothing had happened. He would say things and then say he never said them. I started to feel crazy. One night after spending two complete nights working on a paper and working during the day I cooked a big dinner and asked him to pick up something on the way home. I told him twice what I needed but when he got home he had bought the wrong thing. He did this a lot like whatever I requested was unimportant he would often forget it or say he was too busy. Yet when he wanted something I was always there to help him and he expected me to drop everything to do so. He would then turn around and say I never did anything and if I said I gave up this and that for you yesterday and you don't even say thanks he would reply that whatever it was my duty and that he didn't have to thank me. That evening lack of sleep of sleep whatever instead of saying "that's okay" when again he ignored or messed up my request I said X why did you do that. You know how tired I am and that I spent hours on this feast now what am I supposed to do? He said well it doesn't matter anyway and started to order a pizza. I lost it and told him to get the fuck out of my kitchen and that he wasn't going to order a pizza and that he was going to eat whatever I made. He looked at me in complete shock and left the house. He stopped talking to me began not coming home for dinner without explanation and began standing us up at preplanned family events. I apologized explaining that I hadn't meant to hurt his feelings but he could understand that I was exhausted and that what he had done was not nice. He continued the silent treatment and told me to be patient and that he would forgive me in his own time. This was something he had done over the years he would never talk things through or explain things but would suddenly become nice again after days of silence with an attitude like he had forgiven me and that I had learned my lesson! |
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But this time the silence continued for a month and then he became more aggressive. He started discontinuing things of mine only mine saying the we needed to save money. He canceled my gym membership, canceled my email fired the maid that came to help once a week that I had hired. He threatened to cut of the housephone saying I didn't need it and my email access. I couldn't believe how he was acting. I told him that we needed to talk that he couldn't treat me that way that I deserved respect. He told me you have to earn respect and that he expected nothing from me. One night I went over to his office angry because for the third night in a row of making glorious dinners to tempt him into a good mood he didn't come home. I picked up my daughter drove to his shop and had a bit of trouble opening the door and walked in. He ran down the stairs half naked and had obviously intended to sleep there for the night made out the sofa bed etc. I said what are you doing! Why didn't you call? We've been waiting for you I'm sick of this behavior. He couldn't rush us out of there fast enough he picked up my daughter with one hand dressed with another and pushed us down the stairs and out the door as quick as he could. Insisted that we take my car and leave his and then drove around the block and then suddenly stopped ran back saying he forgot something and jumped over the wall to the back entrance. To describe his behavior as odd was an understatement, he returned to the car we drove home and before we could sit down his friend Joe called to ask him out and he said " Joe wants to go out is that okay?" I looked at him in shock and off he went in my car leaving us stranded. This night of course comes back to haunt me now. But all this erratic behavior was new to me this man was always in control and now he was doing things I just couldn't imagine an explanation for. This all had happened suddenly over a couple of months the more I asked him to talk the faster he would run away. I told a friend of ours one of his childhood friends that he was acting strangely and I didn't know what to do he called my husband then called me back and said well I'm coming over tonight so we can talk. By then we weren't sleeping together he was supposed to be sleeping on the couch but had begun sleeping in our daughters room. My husband came home ate I had cooked a beautiful meal didn't say a word which was what he did when he was angry and then went directly to bed. His friend came over and my husband pretended to be asleep although he had only been in the room for 3 minutes. His friend talked with me and was shocked by what I was saying. He told me that he was sure there were no other women that X always told him I was his best friend and that he adored me. Then the friend began telling me about all the mental abuse X got at school when they were kids and how his mother was never there to help him. The friend got up to use the restroom and then came back with a bewildered look on his face X had snuck out of the house and drove away and had continued to do so even when his friend had called him. I said did he look angry? His friend said no he looked like he was sneaking away. We talked for a bit more and then the friend said look I'm sure everything will be all right that's just the way he is he never explains why he's angry but then after a time he's back like nothing ever happened. From that day on he cut off that friend. He came back the next day without an explanation still not talking except to say that I had to pull our daughter out of the expensive school. We didn't like her teacher but she only attended 5 hours a day I had prepaid for the term and we had nowhere to take her so I would need to take care of her full time the holidays were looming and that meant I would miss 3 months of studies. Again he said that was my duty. I told him fine I would do it but I would also stop the grant as I was now running out of time to complete the PhD. He suddenly turned into a monster raging about all the things he would take from me to cover the household expenses while I took time off. I felt scared he was physically aggressive and I finally called my family. THey suggested that I go to visit them and take a bit of a break as I was watching our child anyway. I began to make plans but suddenly felt remorseful that if I took her away then we would miss the only 4 days a year that he closed the business and he stayed home with us. That he and she deserved time together so I stayed. It was awkward I didn't want to be with him had begun shaking when he was around not knowing what he would do. It seemed that all I ever did was try and avoid his temper tantrums not knowing when he would have one and now I was worried about my physical well being although he didn't hit me his body and eyes told me that he wanted to. I still really didn't know why he was angry could this really be about me telling him to get the fuck out of the kitchen once? For once I insisted that he go shopping with us to buy Christmas presents for our daughter. He did but of course once we got to the Dpt store he had little cash on him I paid for most of it but was happy he had to do something with us and pay a little. Christmas came and went I decided to do something spontaneous and go visit a friend for a few days that had rented a place on the beach. The night before I left he suddenly insisted on sex not exactly rape but close to it I felt dirty and cheap. I went off and enjoyed myself with my friend this was the first time since I had a child 4 1/2 years that I was truly alone for a couple of days. I enjoyed myself and was happy knowing that for once X was feeding, bathing our child. On the phone he was suddenly pleasant and friendly telling me he hadn't realized what work it was and asking for suggesions on how to entertain her. I returned he actually was picking things up, doing things in the yard and cooked a meal for me. But unlike in the past I wanted to know why he had treated me so badly why he was angry why he ran away everytime I wanted to talk. He continued to be pleasant but didn't talk and appeared frustrated that I continued to insist. He suddenly planned a quick family trip our first in years and extended his time from work. It was a brief road trip and although I didn't really feel comfortable around him I felt that as he was making the effort I would go along with it. Of course on the way it turns out he has no money with him so I ended up paying for the whole thing. We had an okay time my daughter was thrilled and on the way back we talked. He still refused to explain anything but agreed that his complete focus on business was unfair and that isolating me and my daughter from friends and family and making every holiday miserable was not fair. I told him that I wanted him and us to seek counseling but that the problem wasn't just me or us that he really had issues to deal with. He agreed and over the next week or so continued to be nice came home for dinner on time called to see if I needed anything asked me if it was all right if he went back to work after dinner one night that he had a lot to do but wouldn't go if I didn't want him to. The funny thing was that for the first time in all those years I wanted him to! I didn't like being around him. I said go ahead. A couple of nights later he did the same thing and I called him. For once he answered. I told him I wanted to separate that we needed to work things through that I was tired of not talking and that I needed some space. He was shocked. He said but we are family! I told him yes but this wasn't the way to be a family and that we needed to work on things. He could visit his daughter whenever he wanted and that we could do things as a family. The next few weeks were bliss he actually took time off and spent time taking us out on dates. I for once could eat, sleep watch tv when I wanted, see what I wanted work when I needed to generally live life in a calm and pleasant way. I did however feel incredibly guilty that I had broken his heart. I was adamant that I was willing to work things out and tried to be as accommodating and as pleasant as possible. But the odd thing was he lost all interest in our daughter he didn't call her goodnight, often missed his time with her but was keen on going out on dates with us , talking to me and insisted on a sexual relationship. I agreed but felt odd we still had never talked about what happened, he was not answering the phone at night and after the separation was not helping us financially in any way this began to wear thin. One weekend day he came over and again suddenly wanted sex afterwards he actually thanked me it was like he was another person I felt dirty and used. Then next time I refused gently saying that we needed to talk he ran away like his hair was on fire. That was the end of reconciliation and soon my reality changed forever. When I first discovered that a girlfriend had stayed in our home while I had spent those few days away I was shocked I confronted him he denied it but his reaction was to angrily accused our daughter of lying and making up stories to hurt me. His behavior was so weird I wanted to protect her from him. She began to regress rapidly and showed signs of sever mental and physical stress. Over the next month or so due to a number of unexpected events I discovered that my husband had secret lives. He had not a number of girlfriends and what appeared to be wives and possibly kids. He had been taking our child and introducing her to these different lives for a long time. He had been moving monies around changed insurance policies opened secret businesses taken things was spying on my computer etc etc etc the revelations were non ending. But I also discovered that he was an expert at hiding things and that these women were afraid of me and were hiding moving etc. He had secret billing addresses phone numbers. He was rapidly dispersing our assets. He also began demanding his contact day with our daughter and started to want her to spend the night. He seemed to have no empathy with her condition or how she was dealing with things and once I knew the first secret she kept on talking. SO many things fell into place. Logically there was no reason for him to deny things in our State divorce is no-fault so he wouldn't be penalized for being truthful. But he has continued to deny things and in fact seems to have distanced himself from his other lives. We left quickly and are now far away. My daughter is now happy in school and we are both seeing councilors. Due to the laws in our State we cannot apply for a divorce until we have been separated for a year. My husband has not paid a dime insists that we return makes irrational demands and denies everything. At this distance it's hard to gather proof and he seems to want everything all of our possessions the business and me back near him taking care of our daughter and he with contact so he can visit us whenever he wants. For some weird reason he doesn't want a divorce. Yet it's been months since we've talked. He calls my daughter and pointedly ignores me. Once in a while he'll talk with me when he wants something or to tell me what he's doing, He has not once asked about my welfare and seems very bored and distant when I've told him about her. Back home he is playing the victim doesn't know why his wife is acting so weird. That perhaps it has to do with the fact that I'm almost finished with the PhD and I can now go off and have a good job after his years of supporting me. That I'm stupid to believe a small child that only wishes to hurt me. He also says that he loves me and only wants me to return with his daughter that he adores. I was in such shock at first I couldn't believe this and it was only when I was away from and began talking to a therapist that I began to understand. I've also done a lot of reading have read all your links Malignant Self Love and a number of other recommended books. Sorry about the long story but I wanted to show you what my reality was and is I would appreciate any advice you could give. Sincerely, Shelly Question 1. Now that I know these things why doesn't he want a divorce? I can tell you that he has made no effort to make up with me and that the only feelings I get from him is pure hate. He wants to hurt me and is trying to do so in a number of ways denying my existence by pointedly avoiding talking with me and on paper work he labels me using my maiden name as if I was never his wife. He has devastated us financially but continues the pretense that he has no money. He continues to refuse talking about the past and when I've tried to discuss our future plans rationally he goes into a rage screaming all sorts of untrue accusations and will contradict things that he just said and will deny saying them just afterwards he is trying to verbally manipulate me and when I stand firm calmly repeat my question or ask him to explain a remark he rages again. Yet he continues to act as if we will return and there is no problem at least with some people. He even said I came home everynight and I ate your food like that was some sacrifice he had made to hold up his end of the bargain! |
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| | | From: samvak | Sent: 2/08/2004 5:09 p.m. |
Hello, Shelly, and welcome aboard! You ask: "Now that I know these things why doesn't he want a divorce?" Why would he want a divorce? Until recently, you have unflinchingly provided him with Narcissistic Supply, money, catered to his every need, and took care of his daughter. There is no reason, as far as he sees, not to continue this way. He relies on his charm to bring you back to the fold, time and again: The Pathological Charmer You and your daughter are important to him: As far as he is concerned, it is all in your head - a menopausal midlife crisis or, worse, a conspiracy: He feels abused: To enter the mind of the narcissist, read this 9-part essay: And these journal entries (you will find your husband there, to a tee): Take care. Sam |
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Dr Sam thank you for your reply and the links they were very helpful. I've not been able to access the journal links you mentioned however perhaps there's a typo or problems with that particular page on the web http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/.html ? Shelly Question 2. Why hasn't he moved on to another space or into one of these lives? Towards the end he seemed to be preparing a home with one of the long-term girlfriends who may or may not have his children. (Incidentally this one appears to be a long-term relationship and he took our child on visits to her for at least a couple of years and swore our daughter to secrecy that she couldn't tell her about the other girlfriends.) This woman had financial resources and lived two minutes walking distance from his shop so he told my daughter it was convenient for him to stay with her. He was taking items of my daughters from my house, preparing a room for her there and they both told our child that some of her kids were her sisters. This woman appears to have wanted our daughter as well as him gave her gifts, etc., bathed her fed her dressed her. So why hasn't he moved on to her? In fact she moved away so that I COULD NEVER FIND HER OR THE KIDS! There is also a younger newer one that has a small child a boy that is supposed to be his yet he doesn't seem to be pursuing that relationship with her either. He seems to have made all these contingency plans but doesn't seem to be following any of them. I suppose one possibility might be that the length and extent and closeness of these relationships may have been less than what I've come to believe. He has completely denied all these relationships so it is impossible to get any explanation from him. The most damning evidence really is his aggressive behavior, odd reactions, and irrational and contradictory explanations. Most of the other evidence regarding these relationships is circumstantial. I have not had the opportunity to speak with these other women and may never have it. To add to the confusion our child has begun to say that she "made it all up". This seems very unlikely considering her young age and the amount of detail she has provided over a number of months related as experiences that sound very real and nonfictional i.e.. I saw this video with GF1, we ate XXX with GF 2, GF1 has moved because the owner was selling the house ....etc. She seems to feel very responsible for the breakup despite her talking about these things post seperation. So it is understandable that she wants to try to make things the way they were. Despite making financial plans, distacing himself from us and a lot of unexplained absenses (most evenings, some weekends just following the seperation he now seems to have cut things off with these OW since we left and continues to hide their existance from others. He isn't getting supply from us there has been very little contact after our departure yet he hasn't moved on and is actually leading somewhat of a hermit existance and can now be easily located. You mentioned in your link that it takes a lot of libido to cultivate new supply it looks like he's put in the effort so why hasnt' he moved into one of these spaces? |
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| | | From: samvak | Sent: 3/08/2004 7:59 p.m. |
Hi, Shelly, (Red-faced) The journal entries are available here: As one Source of Narcissistic Supply dwindles, the narcissist finds himself trapped in a frantic (though, at times, unconscious) effort to secure alternatives. As one Pathological Narcissistic Space (the narcissist's stomping grounds) is rendered "uninhabitable" (too many people "see through" the narcissist's manipulation and machinations) �?the narcissist wanders off to find another. These hysterical endeavors sometimes lead to boom-bust cycles which involve, in the first stage, the formation of a Grandiosity Bubble. A Grandiosity Bubble is an imagined, self-aggrandizing, narrative involving the narcissist and elements from his real life �?people around him, places he frequents, or conversations he is having. The narcissist weaves a story incorporating these facts, inflating them in the process and endowing them with bogus internal meaning and consistency. In other words: he confabulates �?but, this time, his confabulation is loosely based on reality. In the process, the narcissist re-invents himself and his life to fit the new-fangled tale. He re-casts himself in newly adopted roles. He suddenly fancies himself an actor, a guru, a political activist, an entrepreneur, or an irresistible hunk. He modifies his behavior to conform to these new functions. He gradually morphs into the fabricated character and "becomes" the fictitious protagonist he has created. All the mechanisms of pathological narcissism are at work during the bubble phase. The narcissist idealizes the situation, the other "actors", and the environment. He tries to control and manipulate his milieu into buttressing his false notions and perceptions. Faced with an inevitable Grandiosity Gap, he becomes disillusioned and bitter and devalues and discards the people, places, and circumstances involved in the bubble. Still, Grandiosity Bubbles are not part of the normal narcissistic mini-cycle (see the resources in the section titled "Also Read" below). They are rare events, much like trying on a new outfit for size and comfort. They fizzle out rapidly and the narcissist reverts to his regular pattern: idealizing new Sources of Supply, devaluing and discarding them, pursuing the next victims to be drained. Actually, the deflation of a grandiosity bubble is met with relief by the narcissist. It does not involve a narcissistic injury. The narcissist views the bubble as merely an experiment at being someone else for a while. It is a safety valve, allowing the narcissist to effectively cope with negative emotions and frustration. Thus cleansed, the narcissist can go back to doing what he does best �?projecting a False Self and garnering attention from others. The Discontinuous Narcissist Multiple Grandiosity - FAQ #35 Narcissists - Stable or Unstable? - FAQ #32 The Narcissistic Mini-Cycle - FAQ #43 Deficient Narcissistic Supply - FAQ #28 The Narcissist's Reality Substitutes The Narcissist's Confabulated Life The Delusional Way Out The dissolution of the abuser's marriage or other meaningful (romantic, business, or other) relationships constitutes a major life crisis and a scathing narcissistic injury. To soothe and salve the pain of disillusionment, he administers to his aching soul a mixture of lies, distortions, half-truths and outlandish interpretations of events around him. All abusers present with rigid and infantile (primitive) defense mechanisms: splitting, projection, Projective Identification, denial, intellectualization, and narcissism. But some abusers go further and decompensate by resorting to self-delusion. Unable to face the dismal failures that they are, they partially withdraws from reality. The Masochistic Avoidant Solution The abuser directs some of this fury inwards, punishing himself for his "failure". This masochistic behavior has the added "benefit" of forcing the abuser's closest to assume the roles of dismayed spectators or of persecutors and thus, either way, to pay him the attention that he craves. Self-administered punishment often manifests as self-handicapping masochism �?a cop-out. By undermining his work, his relationships, and his efforts, the increasingly fragile abuser avoids additional criticism and censure (negative supply). Self-inflicted failure is the abuser's doing and thus proves that he is the master of his own fate. Masochistic abusers keep finding themselves in self-defeating circumstances which render success impossible �?and "an objective assessment of their performance improbable" (Millon, 2000). They act carelessly, withdraw in mid-effort, are constantly fatigued, bored, or disaffected and thus passive-aggressively sabotage their lives. Their suffering is defiant and by "deciding to abort" they reassert their omnipotence. The abuser's pronounced and public misery and self-pity are compensatory and "reinforce (his) self-esteem against overwhelming convictions of worthlessness" (Millon, 2000). His tribulations and anguish render him, in his eyes, unique, saintly, virtuous, righteous, resilient, and significant. They are, in other words, self-generated Narcissistic Supply. Thus, paradoxically, the worst his anguish and unhappiness, the more relieved and elated such an abuser feels! He is "liberated" and "unshackled" by his own self-initiated abandonment, he insists. He never really wanted this commitment, he tells any willing (or buttonholed) listener �?and anyhow, the relationship was doomed from the beginning by the egregious excesses and exploits of his wife (or partner or friend or boss). The Delusional Narrative Solution This kind of abuser constructs a narrative in which he figures as the hero �?brilliant, perfect, irresistibly handsome, destined for great things, entitled, powerful, wealthy, the centre of attention, etc. The bigger the strain on this delusional charade �?the greater the gap between fantasy and reality �?the more the delusion coalesces and solidifies. Finally, if it is sufficiently protracted, it replaces reality and the abuser's reality test deteriorates. He withdraws his bridges and may become schizotypal, catatonic, or schizoid. The Antisocial Solution This type of abuser has a natural affinity with the criminal. His lack of empathy and compassion, his deficient social skills, his disregard for social laws and morals �?now erupt and blossom. He becomes a full fledged antisocial (sociopath or psychopath). He ignores the wishes and needs of others, he breaks the law, he violates all rights �?natural and legal, he holds people in contempt and disdain, he derides society and its codes, he punishes the ignorant ingrates �?that, to his mind, drove him to this state �?by acting criminally and by jeopardizing their safety, lives, or property. The Paranoid Schizoid Solution Another class of abuser develop persecutory delusions. He perceives slights and insults where none were intended. He becomes subject to ideas of reference (people are gossiping about him, mocking him, prying into his affairs, cracking his e-mail, etc.). He is convinced that he is the centre of malign and mal-intentioned attention. People are conspiring to humiliate him, punish him, abscond with his property, delude him, impoverish him, confine him physically or intellectually, censor him, impose on his time, force him to action (or to inaction), frighten him, coerce him, surround and besiege him, change his mind, part with his values, victimize or even murder him, and so on. Some abusers withdraw completely from a world populated with such minacious and ominous objects (really projections of internal objects and processes). They avoid all social contact, except the most necessary. They refrain from meeting people, falling in love, having sex, talking to others, or even corresponding with them. In short: they become schizoids �?not out of social shyness, but out of what they feel to be their choice. "This evil, hopeless world does not deserve me" �?goes the inner refrain �?"and I shall waste none of my time and resources on it." The Paranoid Aggressive (Explosive) Solution Other abusers who develop persecutory delusions, resort to an aggressive stance, a more violent resolution of their internal conflict. They become verbally, psychologically, situationally (and, more rarely, physically) abusive. They insult, castigate, chastise, berate, demean, and deride their nearest and dearest (often well wishers and loved ones). They explode in unprovoked displays of indignation, righteousness, condemnation, and blame. Theirs is an exegetic Bedlam. They interpret everything �?even the most innocuous, inadvertent, and innocent comment �?as designed to provoke and humiliate them. They sow fear, revulsion, hate, and malignant envy. They flail against the windmills of reality �?a pathetic, forlorn, sight. But often they cause real and lasting damage �?fortunately, mainly to themselves. Additional Reading Millon, Theodore and Davis, Roger �?Personality Disorders in Modern Life, 2nd Edition �?New York, John Wiley and Sons, 2000 Take care. Sam |
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Question 3. I'm over missing him or thinking that he will repent or be normal and want to work things out. But in a lot of ways despite the distance he still has some measure of control. He call our daughter when he wants to and follows no specific schedule. He continues to talk to he like a confidant and has assured her that he no longer has girlfriends that one of them moved far away and he can't go to see her so my daughter wants me to forgive him and take him back. Pretty hard when he doesn't want to make up and still denies everything! When he gets angry with me about asking for childsupport etc he'll stop calling her all together. SO far he's been very successful at delaying child support and court proceedings. His not ever saying no but not setting a time for mediation has also worked in his favor. And in court his victim role seems to help as well " my wife deserves nothing she has done this to me" seems to be working he says no to every negotiation and things get pushed back and I'm asked to be more flexible. How do I get rid of his tentacles? And bring things to a close? How can I get rid of that control he wants? |
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| | (1 recommendation so far) | Message 8 of 13 in Discussion |
| | From: samvak | Sent: 4/08/2004 2:32 p.m. |
Hi, Shelly, Your problem is not the entreaties of your child. Your problem is not his behavior - or misbehavior. Your problem is that you haven't made up your mind if you want to divorce him or to patch up the relationship. Read this: "my daughter wants me to forgive him and take him back. Pretty hard when he doesn't want to make up and still denies everything!" So, if he wanted to make up and stopped denying everything - you would take him back and forgive him! These are the only two conditions - that he wanted to make up and stopped denying everything!!! You will get nowhere until you do make up your mind - resolutely and irrevocably. How to cope with your abuser? Sometimes it looks hopeless. Abusers are ruthless, immoral, sadistic, calculated, cunning, persuasive, deceitful - in short, they appear to be invincible. They easily sway the system in their favor. Here is a list of escalating countermeasures. They represent the distilled experience of thousands of victims of abuse. They may help you cope with abuse and overcome it. Not included are legal or medical steps. Consult an attorney, an accountant, a therapist, or a psychiatrist, where appropriate. First, you must decide: Do you want to stay with him - or terminate the relationship? If you want to leave him and your children are above the age of 18 �?/SPAN> Click HERE If you have Children with Him (under the age of 18) �?/SPAN> Click HERE 1. I want to Stay with Him FIVE DON'T DO'S �?/SPAN> How to Avoid the Wrath of the Narcissist - Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him;
- Never offer him any intimacy;
- Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with women and so on);
- Never remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity;
- Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence.
The TEN DO'S �?/SPAN> How to Make your Narcissist Dependent on You If you INSIST on Staying with Him - Listen attentively to everything the narcissist says and agree with it all. Don't believe a word of it but let it slide as if everything is just fine, business as usual.
- Personally offer something absolutely unique to the narcissist which they cannot obtain anywhere else. Also be prepared to line up future Sources of Primary Narcissistic Supply for your narcissist because you will not be IT for very long, if at all. If you take over the procuring function for the narcissist, they become that much more dependent on you.
- Be endlessly patient and go way out of your way to be accommodating, thus keeping the narcissistic supply flowing liberally, and keeping the peace.
- Be endlessly giving. This one may not be attractive to you, but it is a take it or leave it proposition.
- Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the narcissist. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb, rude, or insensitive. Yelling back works really well but should be reserved for special occasions when you fear your narcissist may be on the verge of leaving you; the silent treatment is better as an ordinary response, but it must be carried out without any emotional content, more with the air of boredom and "I'll talk to you later, when I am good and ready, and when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion". Treat your narcissist as you would a child.
- If your narcissist is cerebral and not interested in having much sex �?/SPAN> then give yourself ample permission to have "hidden" sex with other people. Your cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to infidelity so discretion and secrecy is of paramount importance.
- If your narcissist is somatic and you don't mind, join in on group sex encounters but make sure that you choose properly for your narcissist. If you do mind �?/SPAN> leave him. Somatic narcissists are sex addicts and incurably unfaithful.
- If you are a "fixer", then focus on fixing situations, preferably before they become "situations". Don't for one moment delude yourself that you can fix the narcissist �?/SPAN> it simply will not happen.
- If there is any fixing that can be done, it is to help your narcissist become aware of their condition, with no negative implications or accusations in the process at all. It is like living with a physically handicapped person and being able to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what the limitations and benefits of the handicap are and how the two of you can work with these factors, rather than trying to change them.
- Finally, and most important of all: Know Yourself.
What are you getting from the relationship? Are you actually a masochist? A codependent? Why is this relationship attractive and interesting?
Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you are receiving in this relationship.
Define the things that you find harmful to you. Develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself. Don't expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the narcissist to change who he is. You may have some limited success in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really harmful behaviors that affect you �?/SPAN> but this can only be accomplished in a very trusting, frank and open relationship. (1a) Insist on Your Boundaries �?/SPAN> Resist Abuse -
Refuse to accept abusive behavior. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities. -
If things get rough- disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally). -
Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities, and red lines. (1b) Mirror His Behavior Mirror the narcissist’s actions and repeat his words. If, for instance, he is having a rage attack �?rage back. If he threatens �?threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and content. If he leaves the house �?leave it as well, disappear on him. If he is suspicious �?act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating, go down to his level. (1c) Frighten Him Identify the vulnerabilities and susceptibilities of the narcissist and strike repeated, escalating blows at them. If a narcissist has a secret or something he wishes to conceal �?use your knowledge of it to threaten him. Drop cryptic hints that there are mysterious witnesses to the events and recently revealed evidence. Do it cleverly, noncommittally, gradually, in an escalating manner. Let his imagination do the rest. You don't have to do much except utter a vague reference, make an ominous allusion, delineate a possible turn of events. Needless to add that all these activities have to be pursued legally, preferably through the good services of law offices and in broad daylight. If done in the wrong way �?they might constitute extortion or blackmail, harassment and a host of other criminal offences. (1d) Lure Him Offer him continued Narcissistic Supply. You can make a narcissist do anything by offering, withholding, or threatening to withhold Narcissistic Supply (adulation, admiration, attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.). (1e) Play on His Fear of Abandonment If nothing else works, explicitly threaten to abandon him. You can condition the threat ("If you don't do something or if you do it �?I will desert you"). The narcissists perceives the following as threats of abandonment, even if they are not meant as such: - Confrontation, fundamental disagreement, and protracted criticism
- When completely ignored
- When you insist on respect for your boundaries, needs, emotions, choices, preferences
- When you retaliate (for instance, shout back at him).
2. I can't Take It Any Longer - I Have Decided to Leave Him (2a) Fight Him in Court Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds devastating, especially in a court of law, for instance during a deposition: - Any statement or fact, which seems to contradict his inflated perception of his grandiose self. Any criticism, disagreement, exposure of fake achievements, belittling of "talents and skills" which the narcissist fantasizes that he possesses, any hint that he is subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a third party. Any description of the narcissist as average and common, indistinguishable from many others. Any hint that the narcissist is weak, needy, dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, a victim.
- The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and, in an effort to re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is likely to expose facts and stratagems he had no conscious intention of exposing.
- The narcissist reacts with narcissistic rage, hatred, aggression, or violence to an infringement of what he perceives to be his entitlement. Any insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that the narcissist is not special at all, that he is average, common, not even sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest will inflame the narcissist.
- Tell the narcissist that he does not deserve the best treatment, that his needs are not everyone's priority, that he is boring, that his needs can be catered to by an average practitioner (medical doctor, accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist), that he and his motives are transparent and can be easily gauged, that he will do what he is told, that his temper tantrums will not be tolerated, that no special concessions will be made to accommodate his inflated sense of self, that he is subject to court procedures, etc. �?/SPAN> and the narcissist will lose control.
- Contradict, expose, humiliate, and berate the narcissist ("You are not as intelligent as you think you are", "Who is really behind all this? It takes sophistication which you don't seem to have", "So, you have no formal education", "you are (mistake his age, make him much older) ... sorry, you are ... old", "What did you do in your life? Did you study? Do you have a degree? Did you ever establish or run a business? Would you define yourself as a success?", "Would your children share your view that you are a good father?", "You were last seen with a Ms. ... who is (suppressed grin) a cleaning lady (in demeaning disbelief)".
(2b) If You Have Common Children I described in "The Guilt of the Abused - Pathologizing the Victim" how the system is biased and titled against the victim. Regrettably, mental health professionals and practitioners �?/SPAN> marital and couple therapists, counselors �?/SPAN> are conditioned, by years of indoctrinating and dogmatic education, to respond favorably to specific verbal cues. The paradigm is that abuse is rarely one sided �?/SPAN> in other words, that it is invariably "triggered" either by the victim or by the mental health problems of the abuser. Another common lie is that all mental health problems can be successfully treated one way (talk therapy) or another (medication). This shifts the responsibility from the offender to his prey. The abused must have done something to bring about their own maltreatment �?/SPAN> or simply were emotionally "unavailable" to help the abuser with his problems. Healing is guaranteed if only the victim were willing to participate in a treatment plan and communicate with the abuser. So goes the orthodoxy. Refusal to do so �?/SPAN> in other words, refusal to risk further abuse �?/SPAN> is harshly judged by the therapist. The victim is labeled uncooperative, resistant, or even abusive! The key is, therefore, feigned acquiescence and collaboration with the therapist's scheme, acceptance of his/her interpretation of the events, and the use of key phrases such as: "I wish to communicate/work with (the abuser)", "trauma", "relationship", "healing process", "inner child", "the good of the children", "the importance of fathering", "significant other" and other psycho-babble. Learn the jargon, use it intelligently and you are bound to win the therapist's sympathy. Above all �?/SPAN> do not be assertive, or aggressive and do not overtly criticize the therapist or disagree with him/her. I make the therapist sound like yet another potential abuser �?/SPAN> because in many cases, he/she becomes one as they inadvertently collude with the abuser, invalidate the abuse experiences, and pathologize the victim. (2c) Refuse All Contact - Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counsellors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate.
- Do NOT contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings �?/SPAN> but NEVER rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and your interests.
- But with the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts �?/SPAN> decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist.
- Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening e-mail messages.
- Return all gifts he sends you.
- Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom.
- Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but firm, sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him.
- Do not answer his letters.
- Do not visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies.
- Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you through third parties.
- Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his behest.
- Do not discuss him with your children.
- Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.
- When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs �?/SPAN> or his.
- Relegate any inevitable contact with him �?/SPAN> when and where possible �?/SPAN> to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.
There are many additional practical tips and lots of advice here (14 articles): These 14 articles: And here: |
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Question 4. He has everything all our personal goods the businesses is not paying any support the freedom to go to one of these women what the hell can he want and why won't he settle? He is obviously well prepared and I was not. His victim story even sounds more plausible than what really happened. Even though he has done a lot of sneaky things financially I don't really think that it is worth all the time and expense it would take to uncover it all. The same thing is true about the girlfriends and children although I am curious about them it doesn't help me at all with the divorce. I also feel that going through the effort to get child support is a waste because he'll end up not paying or making it really difficult in the long run and although we really need some help now I don't want to be tied to him forever. It's very hard for me to get more proof at a distance and at this point it seems unnecessary. Why does he insist on prolonging things and spending all of both our money in court? I'm willing to negotiate he knows that but won't he is actually hurting himself as well by bringing his business to the attention of the tax department and now has numerous requests to provide financial information. He has not yet asked for set contact or custody of our child but I'm sure that will come up eventually even though he told me that what he wants is for me to take care of her and for hi to visit when he wants. How do I fight that? I have therepists and councilors opinions but he has not been evaluated and is very persuasive in court they also seem to want to believe that I am a vengeful scorned wife rather than the truth. How do I fight back? Can I make him get evaluated and do you think this that it will help? Is he a N or is he just a very selfish self-centered man? He seems to fit many of the criteria both on the P and the N sites. Can I trust him to be alone with our daughter? If not how can I convince the court? |
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Question 5. I know that I will have to work this out myself but I'm a reasonably intelligent person so why was I so blind? Remember that half-naked story at his office? Why didn't I think about another woman then and look around? A normal person would have why was I so sure that he loved us and would never do anything like this? And I have the same question about the other women. How could they be in a relationship with a married man many were our customers they knew I existed that we had a daughter. SOme of them even agreed to meet with our daughter and thought it was normal for a man having an affair to take his toddler with him? One or two even had his children and are receiving no money other than perhaps occasional gifts. Why have they been so blind and let themselves be treated in this manner? ALso I'm pretty sure that one of his friends acted as a go between and cover for at least one of these women yet so many people had no clue, he kept everything separate. How did he get so good at that and why didn't anyone notice? |
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| | | From: samvak | Sent: 6/08/2004 12:07 p.m. |
Hi, Shelly, Narcissists are an elusive breed, hard to spot, harder to pinpoint, impossible to capture. Even an experienced mental health diagnostician with unmitigated access to the record and to the person examined would find it fiendishly difficult to determine with any degree of certainty whether someone suffers from an impairment, i.e., a mental health disorder �?or merely possesses narcissistic traits, a narcissistic personality structure ("character"), or a narcissistic "overlay" superimposed on another mental health problem. Pathological narcissism is the art of deception. The narcissist projects a False Self and manages all his social interactions through this concocted fictional construct. People often find themselves involved with a narcissist (emotionally, in business, or otherwise) before they have a chance to discover his true nature. When the narcissist reveals his true colors, it is usually far too late. His victims are unable to separate from him. They are frustrated by this acquired helplessness and angry that they failed to see through the narcissist earlier on. We are surrounded by malignant narcissists. How come this disorder has hitherto been largely ignored? How come there is such a dearth of research and literature regarding this crucial family of pathologies? Even mental health practitioners are woefully unaware of it and unprepared to assist its victims. The sad answer is that narcissism meshes well with our culture - see: http://samvak.tripod.com/lasch.html It is kind of a "background cosmic radiation", permeating every social and cultural interaction. It is hard to distinguish pathological narcissists from self-assertive, self-confident, self-promoting, eccentric, or highly individualistic persons. Hard sell, greed, envy, self-centredness, exploitativeness, diminished empathy - are all socially condoned features of Western civilization. Our society is atomized, the outcome of individualism gone awry. It encourages narcissistic leadership and role models: http://samvak.tripod.com/15.html Its sub-structures - institutionalized religion, political parties, civic organizations, the media, corporations - are all suffused with narcissism and pervaded by its pernicious outcomes: http://samvak.tripod.com/14.html The very ethos of materialism and capitalism upholds certain narcissistic traits, such as reduced empathy, exploitation, a sense of entitlement, or grandiose fantasies ("vision"). More about this here: http://samvak.tripod.com/journal37.html Narcissists are aided, abetted and facilitated by four types of people and institutions: the adulators, the blissfully ignorant, the self-deceiving and those deceived by the narcissist. The adulators are fully aware of the nefarious and damaging aspects of the narcissist's behaviour but believe that they are more than balanced by the benefits - to themselves, to their collective, or to society at large. They engage in an explicit trade-off between some of their principles and values - and their personal profit, or the greater good. They seek to help the narcissist, promote his agenda, shield him from harm, connect him with like-minded people, do his chores for him and, in general, create the conditions and the environment for his success. This kind of alliance is especially prevalent in political parties, the government, multinational, religious organizations and other hierarchical collectives. The blissfully ignorant are simply unaware of the "bad sides" of the narcissist- and make sure they remain so. They look the other way, or pretend that the narcissist's behavior is normative, or turn a blind eye to his egregious misbehaviour. They are classic deniers of reality. Some of them maintain a generally rosy outlook premised on the inbred benevolence of Mankind. Others simply cannot tolerate dissonance and discord. They prefer to live in a fantastic world where everything is harmonious and smooth and evil is banished. They react with rage to any information to the contrary and block it out instantly. This type of denial is well evidenced in dysfunctional families. The self-deceivers are fully aware of the narcissist's transgressions and malice, his indifference, exploitativeness, lack of empathy, and rampant grandiosity - but they prefer to displace the causes, or the effects of such misconduct. They attribute it to externalities ("a rough patch"), or judge it to be temporary. They even go as far as accusing the victim for the narcissist's lapses, or for defending themselves ("She provoked him"). In a feat of cognitive dissonance, they deny any connection between the acts of the narcissist and their consequences ("His wife abandoned him because she was promiscuous, not because of anything he did to her"). They are swayed by the narcissist's undeniable charm, intelligence, or attractiveness. But the narcissist needs not invest resources in converting them to his cause - he does not deceive them. They are self-propelled into the abyss that is narcissism. The inverted narcissists, for instance, is a self-deceiver. The deceived are people - or institutions, or collectives - deliberately taken for a premeditated ride by the narcissist. He feeds them false information, manipulates their judgement, proffers plausible scenarios to account for his indiscretions, soils the opposition, charms them, appeals to their reason, or to their emotions, and promises the Moon. Again, the narcissist's incontrovertible powers of persuasion and his impressive personality play a part in this predatory ritual. The deceived are especially hard to deprogram. They are often themselves encumbered with narcissistic traits and find it impossible to admit a mistake, or to atone. They are likely to stay on with the narcissist to his - and their - bitter end. Regrettably, the narcissist rarely pays the price for his offenses. His victims pick up the tab. But even here the malignant optimism of the abused never ceases to amaze (read this: http://samvak.tripod.com/journal27.html). It takes two to tango �?/SPAN> and an equal number to sustain a long-term abusive relationship. The abuser and the abused form a bond, a dynamic, and a dependence. Expressions such as "follies a deux" and the "Stockholm Syndrome" capture facets �?/SPAN> two of a myriad �?/SPAN> of this danse macabre. It often ends fatally. It is always an excruciatingly painful affair. Abuse is closely correlated with alcoholism, drug consumption, intimate-partner homicide, teen pregnancy, infant and child mortality, spontaneous abortion, reckless behaviours, suicide, and the onset of mental health disorders. It doesn't help that society refuses to openly and frankly tackle this pernicious phenomenon and the guilt and shame associated with it. People �?/SPAN> overwhelmingly women �?/SPAN> remain in an abusive household for a variety of reasons: economic, parental (to protect the children), and psychological. But the objective obstacles facing the battered spouse cannot be overstated. The abuser treats his spouse as an object, an extension of himself, devoid of a separate existence and denuded of distinct needs. Thus, typically, the couple's assets are on his name �?/SPAN> from real estate to medical insurance policies. The victim has no family or friends because her abusive partner or husband frowns on her initial independence and regards it as a threat. By intimidating, cajoling, charming, and making false promises, the abuser isolates his prey from the rest of society and, thus, makes her dependence on him total. She is often also denied the option to study and acquire marketable skills or augment them. Abandoning the abusive spouse frequently leads to a prolonged period of destitution and peregrination. Custody is usually denied to parents without a permanent address, a job, income security, and, therefore, stability. Thus, the victim stands to lose not only her mate and nest �?/SPAN> but also her off-spring. There is the added menace of violent retribution by the abuser or his proxies �?/SPAN> coupled with emphatic contrition on his part and a protracted and irresistible "charm offensive". Gradually, she is convinced to put up with her spouse's cruelty in order to avoid this harrowing predicament. But there is more to an abusive dyad than mere pecuniary convenience. The abuser �?/SPAN> stealthily but unfailingly �?/SPAN> exploits the vulnerabilities in the psychological makeup of his victim. The abused party may have low self-esteem, a fluctuating sense of self-worth, primitive defence mechanisms, phobias, mental health problems, a disability, a history of failure, or a tendency to blame herself, or to feel inadequate (autoplastic neurosis). She may have come from an abusive family or environment �?/SPAN> which conditioned her to expect abuse as inevitable and "normal". In extreme and rare cases �?/SPAN> the victim is a masochist, possessed of an urge to seek ill-treatment and pain. Terminology Co-dependents People who depend on other people for their emotional gratification and the performance of Ego or daily functions. They are needy, demanding, submissive. They fear abandonment, cling and display immature behaviours in their effort to maintain the "relationship" with their companion or mate upon whom they depend. No matter what abuse is inflicted upon them �?they remain in the relationship. See also the definition of the Dependent Personality Disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-IV-TR, 2000). Inverted Narcissist Also called "covert narcissist", this is a co-dependent who depends exclusively on narcissists (narcissist-co-dependent). If you are living with a narcissist, have a relationship with one, if you are married to one, if you are working with a narcissist, etc. �?it does NOT mean that you are an inverted narcissist. To "qualify" as an inverted narcissist, you must CRAVE to be in a relationship with a narcissist, regardless of any abuse inflicted on you by him/her. You must ACTIVELY seek relationships with narcissists and ONLY with narcissists, no matter what your (bitter and traumatic) past experience has been. You must feel EMPTY and UNHAPPY in relationships with ANY OTHER kind of person. Only then, and if you satisfy the other diagnostic criteria of a Dependent Personality Disorder, can you be safely labelled an "inverted narcissist". More here: Hope this exchange was of some help. Be strong and do the right thing. Sam |
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| | | Sent: 6/08/2004 6:45 p.m. |
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