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| | From:  -Tammy_S- (Original Message) | Sent: 9/08/2004 8:14 p.m. |
I was Ns third wife. We met in May and married in October and were married 6½ years. I thought we had a marriage made in heaven. He was everything I had ever dreamed of and I thought he was the best man I had ever known. I had never experienced such a wonderful relationship and ultimately let all my walls down for the relationship.
N was very persistent in pursuing me and I loved the attention. He was charming, a good conversationalist, and very sincere and loving (!). The first red flag occurred at 1 month when N ran a background check on me (he was a cop) and anyone associated with me. He found reports of an old boyfriend’s suicide attempt, first husbands traffic violations and marijuana busts, and that my dog was stolen once. He even found all the information about my first divorce. I was more hurt then mad at the time.
I was divorced 10 years before meeting N and have 2 children from a previous marriage. N has one daughter. N is a Jeckyll and Hyde. He portrays a normal and pleasant picture to the outside world…in fact boasts about how much people like him. Outside the home he was respected in his line of work (retired police officer, bank fraud inspector currently). He was the life of the party, loved by his friends (even though they did not come to our wedding), and loved to tell jokes. At home, he was abusive, threatening, mean spirited and insisted that he control everything because he was the head of the house.Memmy, I can do whatever I want..this is my house.
His behavior was threatening and erratic. He alternated from being extremely loving and sensitive to being a jerk. He told me that my kids were never taught any manners- that I was not a good mother (my kids were raised by me alone). He has called me “white trash and trailer park trash and told me I would be nothing without him. He often told me these things when I was especially upset or vulnerable. He said he just wanted to wake me up. He threw things like full plates of food and drink from one room to another just because he didnt like what I said. He threw things often because of something I said. He instigated arguments..saying I hate to fight. I wont fight with you. But I would have reached a boiling point by then and reacted.
On two different times, our arguments had escalated. He grabbed my throat (high up like in a cop maneuver) to choke me. The last time he did this he also told me he would f***g kill me if I ever did that again.
One night we were traveling out of town. It was dark. He always drove too fast I complained about how fast he was driving. He turned off the lights and drove faster saying “how do you like it like this, Memmy?
N had rules. I couldnt talk about my kids. I had to wash towels after one use, park the car a certain way and place, not leave dishes in the sink (hell to pay if kids did this), rinse dishes a particular way before putting them in the dishwasher, clean out the dryer lint , wash and fold clothes every day, not brush my hair in his car, not interrupt him, not roll my eyes (dont you ever do that again, Memmy). He threatened to get a post office box because he felt that someone was getting his mail (the kids). He told me that the kids would come between us.
N was especially hateful to my son. My son is not macho and N would call him a wuss. He thought it funny that my son had never had sex. He hated when my son would come home from college and start huge fights with me because of it. My son would never fight back but stay away. He couldnt stand N. The first summer my son was at school N told him he could not come home unless he had a job and would pay us rent. My son stayed away. Dennis would often refuse to shake hands with my son (this killed me). He locked my son out of the house on one of his last visits. My son was moving to another state about 1800 miles away. He went to visit his father in another state while leaving his possessions with me. While gone, N packed all of my sons belongings in plastic bags and put his things in the barn. He refused to talk to my son on that visit. This happened frequently. N called my son lazy, sloppy, stinky, wuss, etc. all the time. He would not let me send any money to my son during college years and would not go with me to visit him in a nearby town.
He also mistreated my daughter. He would read her journal and listen on to her phone conversations. One particular time..she used all the hot water one morning during her shower (she showered off schedule!). He threw a fit! He took her boom box away and never returned it. He sold it.
His actions towards my kids broke my heart. I tried everything to convince him how much they meant to me. They are good kids.no drugs, drinking, etc. My kids and I have a good relationship and I think N was jealous of them. They also did not give him his much needed supply. They thought he was a jerk, psycho. N often told me I had to chose between being a wife and a mother. He also called me mommy on occasions.
N was very secretive about money. I never knew how much he made and I never knew how many credit cards he had until we divorced. He did not want my name on any of his credit cards, wills, and life insurance policies anything. We had separate accounts on everything. When we divorced he had an overdraft account of $5000 and an $8000 visa bill and he had credit accounts to everyone from florists to jewelers. Half of these debts were my responsibility in the divorce settlement.
I left once before leaving for good. N reported my boss (an elementary school principal) to the superintendent of schools for helping me when I left that first time. He came to the house when N called the police (Ns friend of 22 years) on me for trying to take my belongings out of the house. I was only allowed to take my personal belongings.
During the first separation, N said he had changed, been saved by Christ, and apologized for being so mean to me. A physician was seeing him. We dated for about 6 months before getting back together. Two months into our reconciliation the crap started again.
Right before I left the final time (5 months after reconciliation), N had a copy of our marriage license framed and placed it at the door so everyone could see. This will prove that I am the head of this house.â I was told that Satan had a hold of me and that I was already condemned. I was also on my back from a herniated disk I could not defend myself against him.
When I told him I was leaving he threatened me with financial ruin I make sure you lose everything, Memmy. He would ask me to pray with him and then tell me that he would ruin me, he would destroy me. He also told me that no one would believe me in the courts since he knew the judges and all the cops in the county.
I filed papers on him for abuse, serving him the day after I left. N had a restraining order against him and I agreed to one against me. I contacted him several times during that time. throughout the divorce process when we met he told me how much he loved me, wanted to reconcile etc. yet recorded all conversations, reported all meetings and sexual acts to his attorney. This hurt my case terribly. I learned about the no contact rule 6 months (May) after I left and didnt learn of his collection of evidence until the divorce was well on its way..in September and October..all the way to March. The divorce cost me about $20,000.in attorney fees.
There is more to tell, but you get the jest. If anything I feel so damn dumb for believing all his lies. I felt so responsible for the end of my marriage for so long and have recovered slowly. I have seen therapists and attended domestic violence support groups. In the early phases of recovery I was put on heavy medications because of severe depression. I no longer need the heavy medication and am finished with therapy. I am doing well MOST of the time. Yet, I still mourn for the losses of my husband who I thought I was going to be with until I died, my dream home, my friends, my church who couldnt believe that I would leave such a great Christian man, my little town that I left, my life!!!!! I am so much smarter now and have learned a tremendous amount about people, about myself, and about being very naive. I know it sounds like I never stood up to him..but I did. I learned quickly to walk on eggshells and try not to upset him. I use to be feisty until I lost even my spunk and my voice.
I think I tolerated him because I was afraid of losing him. Damn ¦that pisses me off now. I gave up so much so I wouldnt lose him and I ended up losing myself in the process. Question 1 from Memmy: How can someone be so loving and so wonderful one moment and the next be so hateful and hurtful?
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| | | From: samvak | Sent: 10/08/2004 1:01 p.m. |
Hi, Memmy, and welcome aboard! The abuser mistreats only his closest �?/SPAN> spouse, children, or (much more rarely) colleagues, friends, and neighbours. To the rest of the world, he appears to be a composed, rational, and functioning person. Abusers are very adept at casting a veil of secrecy �?/SPAN> often with the active aid of their victims �?/SPAN> over their dysfunction and misbehavior. Read about the abuser's tactics and concealment and manipulation here: Telling Them Apart Facilitating Narcissism This is why the abuser's offending behavior comes as a shock even to his closest, nearest, and dearest. In the October 2003 issue of the Journal of General Internal Medicine, Dr. Christina Nicolaidis of the Oregon Health and Science University in Portland, studied 30 women between the ages of 17 and 54, all survivors of attempted homicide by their intimate partners. Half of them (14) confessed to have been "completely surprised" by the attack. They did not realize how violent their partner can be and the extent of risk they were continuously exposed to. Yet, all of them were the victims of previous episodes of abuse, including the physical sort. They could easily have predicted that an attempt to end the relationship would result in an attack on body and property. "If I had talked to some of these women before the attack, I would have counseled them about the domestic violence, but I would not have necessarily felt that their lives were in danger," Nicolaidis told Reuters �?/SPAN> "Now I am more careful to warn any woman who has experienced intimate partner violence about the risk to her life, especially around the time that the relationship is ending". Secrecy is a major weapon in the abuser's arsenal. Many batterers maintain a double life and keep it a well-guarded secret. Others show one face �?/SPAN> benign, even altruistic �?/SPAN> to an admiring world and another �?/SPAN> ominous and aggressive �?/SPAN> at home. All abusers insist on keeping the abuse confidential, safe from prying eyes and ears. The victims collaborate in this cruel game through cognitive dissonance and traumatic bonding. They rationalize the abuser's behavior, attributing it to incompatibility, mental health problems, temporary setbacks or circumstances, a bad relationship, or substance abuse. Many victims feel guilty. They have been convinced by the offender that they are to blame for his misconduct ("you see what you made me do!", "you constantly provoke me!"). Others re-label the abuse and attribute it to the batterer's character idiosyncrasies. It is explained away as the sad outcome of a unique upbringing, childhood abuse, or passing events. Abusive incidents are recast as rarities, an abnormality, few and far between, not as bad as they appear to be, understandable outbursts, justified temper tantrums, childish manifestations, a tolerable price to pay for an otherwise wonderful relationship. When is a woman's life at risk? Nicolaidis Reuters: "Classic risk factors for an attempted homicide by an intimate partner include escalating episodes or severity of violence, threats with or use of weapons, alcohol or drug use, and violence toward children." Yet, this list leaves out ambient abuse �?/SPAN> the stealth, subtle, underground currents of maltreatment that sometimes go unnoticed even by the victims themselves. Until it is too late. Ambient Abuse Abuse By Proxy Narcissism By Proxy Take care. Sam |
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| | | From: Memmy_1 | Sent: 10/08/2004 11:55 p.m. |
Hi Dr. Sam, Thank you for your time. I have read your links and feel I must reply. Forgive me for not referencing these quotes.....all of them are him..up one side and down the other. I was totally shocked when N showed his evil side. How could such a loving husband behave this way? Yes, it's his childhood, a rarity, its me, its my kids, etc. It was never him until the end and before the separations. Ambient abuse is the stealth, subtle, underground currents of maltreatment that sometimes go unnoticed even by the victims themselves, until it is too late. Ambient abuse penetrates and permeates everything �?/SPAN> but is difficult to pinpoint and identify. It is ambiguous, atmospheric, diffuse. Hence its insidious and pernicious effects. It is by far the most dangerous kind of abuse there is. Oh my gosh yes. He did use ambient abuse. It was very subtle and very difficult to pinpoint. I didn't know what it was called until I came here...gaslighting. N would tell me that I didnt' tell him something when in fact I knew I had. During our counseling sessions he would tell blatant lies. "Memmy exaggerates." He would set me and the kids up for a blasting. I can't explain it...but I knew it was happening. I would even tell him.."N, you are setting me up." I had a very close friend...my college roommate. N always said he was going to call her and find out about me....toward the end of my marriage when we were still together...he kept asking me why Cindy didn't call me anymore. She had refused to talk to me anymore. I would call her house (out of state) and her husband would tell me that she could not come to the phone. I know he called her and told her something. Another time, he told me that he saw a "good friend of mine." "Which friend, N?" "David Cop Friend." He was the cop that threw me out of my own house when I tried to take my belongings. The prey finds itself isolated from the outer world, a hostage to the goodwill �?/SPAN> or, more often, ill-will �?/SPAN> of her captor. She is crippled by his encroachment and by the inexorable dissolution of her boundaries and ends up totally dependent on her tormentor's whims and desires, plans and stratagems. Example: "Memmy do you want _____________?" I would say NO. But he would give it to me anyway. It was like he didn't hear me. The abuser creates a fantasy world, inhabited by the victim and himself, and besieged by imaginary enemies. He allocates to the abused the role of defending this invented and unreal Universe. She must swear to secrecy, stand by her abuser no matter what, lie, fight, pretend, obfuscate and do whatever else it takes to preserve this oasis of inanity. Her membership in the abuser's "kingdom" is cast as a privilege and a prize. But it is not to be taken for granted. She has to work hard to earn her continued affiliation. She is constantly being tested and evaluated. Inevitably, this interminable stress reduces the victim's resistance and her ability to "see straight". The enemies at first were the church the kids and I attended before I met N. He told me that the men of the church talked to him about the kids. How they couldn't believe N could stand them...etc. Told me that they could not be trusted because of the things they told him. Yes...I believed him. Then it was my friends, my kids, etc. Then, while battling with him and ending the marriage...he recruited my friends from our church and friends in my community. I don't see them at all anymore. None of them can believe that I left N because he is such a wonderful guy. Society, or a social group become the instruments of the abuser. Pathological narcissism is the art of deception. People often find themselves involved with a narcissist (emotionally, in business, or otherwise) before they have a chance to discover his true nature. When the narcissist reveals his true colors, it is usually far too late. His victims are unable to separate from him. They are frustrated by this acquired helplessness and angry that they failed to see through the narcissist earlier on. The narcissist flatters, adores, admires and applauds the 'target' in an embarrassingly exaggerated and profuse manner �?or sulks, abuses, and humiliates her. The narcissist brags incessantly. The narcissist likes to talk about himself and only about himself. He is not interested in others or what they have to say, unless it is a potential Source of Supply and in order to obtain said supply. The blissfully ignorant are simply unaware of the "bad sides" of the narcissist- and make sure they remain so. They look the other way, or pretend that the narcissist's behavior is normative, or turn a blind eye to his egregious misbehaviour. They are classic deniers of reality. N's family for sure. None of them would stand up to him. They worship him. He feeds them false information, manipulates their judgement, proffers plausible scenarios to account for his indiscretions, soils the opposition, charms them, appeals to their reason, or to their emotions, and promises the Moon. Regrettably, the narcissist rarely pays the price for his offenses. His victims pick up the tab. But even here the malignant optimism of the abused never ceases to amaze Even the victim's relatives, friends, and colleagues are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor. Others rarely have a chance to witness an abusive exchange first hand and at close quarters. In contrast, the victims are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical. Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties �?/SPAN> it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem. The abuser perverts the system - therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges. He uses them to pathologize the victim and to separate her from her sources of emotional sustenance - notably, from her children. Socially isolating and excluding the victim by discrediting her through a campaign of malicious rumors. Provoking the victim into aggressive or even antisocial conduct by having others threaten her or her loved ones. But, by far, her children are the abuser's greatest source of leverage over his abused spouse or mate. A constant in our home...he used my kids against me all the time...he knew that this hit my heart in a big way. The abuser often recruits his children to do his bidding. He uses them to tempt, convince, communicate, threaten, and otherwise manipulate his target, the children's other parent or a devoted relative (e.g., grandparents). He controls his - often gullible and unsuspecting - offspring exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done - which causes tremendous (and, typically, irreversible) emotional hurt. Minors pose little danger of criticizing the abuser or confronting him. They are perfect, malleable and abundant Sources of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissistic parent derives gratification from having incestuous relations with adulating, physically and mentally inferior, inexperienced and dependent "bodies". Yet, the older the offspring, the more they become critical, even judgemental, of the abusive parent. They are better able to put into context and perspective his actions, to question his motives, to anticipate his moves. As they mature, they often refuse to continue to play the mindless pawns in his chess game. They hold grudges against him for what he has done to them in the past, when they were less capable of resistance. They can gauge his true stature, talents and achievements �?which, usually, lag far behind the claims that he makes. My kids were on to him. My son refused to "suck up to him." He was disgusted by N. In fact...my son knew from the beginning that N was bad news. Like he says now..."no one would listen to me..." He feels burdened, cornered, besieged, suffocated, and claustrophobic. He wants to get away, to abandon his commitments to people who have become totally useless (or even damaging) to him. He does not understand why he has to support them, or to suffer their company and he believes himself to have been deliberately and ruthlessly trapped. He rebels either passively-aggressively (by refusing to act or by intentionally sabotaging the relationships) or actively (by being overly critical, aggressive, unpleasant, verbally and psychologically abusive and so on). Slowly �?to justify his acts to himself �?he gets immersed in conspiracy theories with clear paranoid hues. To his mind, the members of the family conspire against him, seek to belittle or humiliate or subordinate him, do not understand him, or stymie his growth. He never really wanted this commitment, he tells any willing (or buttonholed) listener �?and anyhow, the relationship was doomed from the beginning by the egregious excesses and exploits of his wife. He perceives slights and insults where none were intended. He becomes subject to ideas of reference (people are gossiping about him, mocking him, prying into his affairs, cracking his e-mail, etc.). He is convinced that he is the centre of malign and mal-intentioned attention. People are conspiring to humiliate him, punish him, abscond with his property, delude him, impoverish him, confine him physically or intellectually, censor him, impose on his time, force him to action (or to inaction), frighten him, coerce him, surround and besiege him, change his mind, part with his values, victimize or even murder him, and so on. They become verbally, psychologically, situationally (and, more rarely, physically) abusive. They insult, castigate, chastise, berate, demean, and deride their nearest and dearest (often well wishers and loved ones). They explode in unprovoked displays of indignation, righteousness, condemnation, and blame. Theirs is an exegetic Bedlam. They interpret everything �?even the most innocuous, inadvertent, and innocent comment �?as designed to provoke and humiliate them. They sow fear, revulsion, hate, and malignant envy. They flail against the windmills of reality �?a pathetic, forlorn, sight. The narcissist provokes in us emotions, which are predominantly negative and unpleasant. The initial reaction, as we said, is likely to be ridicule. The narcissist, pompous, incredibly self-centred, falsely grandiose, spoiled and odd (even his manner of speech is likely to be constrained and archaic), often elicits smirks in lieu of admiration. But the entertainment value is fast over. The narcissist's behaviour becomes tiresome, irksome and cumbersome. Ridicule is supplanted by ire and, then, by overt anger. The narcissist's inadequacies are so glaring and his denial and other defence mechanisms so primitive that we constantly feel like screaming at him, reproaching him, or even striking at him literally as well as figuratively. Ashamed at these reactions, we begin to also feel guilty. We find ourselves attached to a mental pendulum, swinging between repulsion and guilt, rage and pity, lack of empathy and remorse. Slowly we acquire the very characteristics of the narcissist that we so deplore. We become as tactless as he is, as devoid of empathy and of consideration, as ignorant of the emotional makeup of other people, and as one track minded. Exposed in the sick halo of the narcissist, we have been "infected". The narcissist invades our personality. He makes us react the way he would have liked to, had he dared, or had he known how (a mechanism known as "projective identification"). We are exhausted by his eccentricity, by his extravagance, by his grandiosity, by his constant entitlement. The narcissist incessantly, adamantly, even aggressively makes demands upon his human environment. He is addicted to his Narcissistic Supply: admiration, adoration, approval, attention. He forces others to lie to him and over-rate his achievements, his talents, and his merits. Living in a narcissistic fantasyland, he compels his closest, nearest and dearest to join him there. The resulting exhaustion, desperation and weakening of the will are fully taken advantage of by the narcissist. He penetrates these reduced defences and, like a Trojan horse, spews forth his lethal charge. Gradually, those in proximity to him, find themselves imitating and emulating his personality traits. The narcissist also does not refrain from intimidating them into compliance with his commands. The narcissist coerces people around him by making subtle uses of processes such as reinforcement and conditioning. Seeking to avoid the unpleasant consequences of not succumbing to his wishes, people would rather put up with his demands and be subjected to his whims. Not to confront his terrifying rages, they "cut corners", pretend, participate in his charade, lie, and become subsumed in his grandiose fantasies. Rather than be aggressively nagged, they reduce themselves and minimise their personalities. By doing all this �?they delude themselves that they have escaped the worst consequences. But the worst is yet to come. The narcissist is confined, constrained, restrained and inhibited by the unique structures of his personality and of his disorder. There are many behaviours which he cannot engage in, many reactions and actions "prohibited", many desires stifled, many fears insurmountable. The narcissist uses others as an outlet to all these repressed emotions and behaviour patterns. Having invaded their personalities, having altered them by methods of attrition and erosion, having made them compatible with his own disorder, having secured the submission of his victims �?he moves on to occupy their shells. Then he makes them do what he has always dreamt of doing, what he has often desired, what he has constantly feared to do. Using the same compelling procedures, he drives his mates, spouse, partners, colleagues, children, or co-workers into collaborating in the expression of the repressed side of his personality. At the same time, he negates their vague suspicion that their personality has been replaced by his when committing these acts. The narcissist can, thus, derive, vicariously, through the lives of others, the Narcissistic Supply that he so craves. He induces in his army of zombies criminal, romantic, or heroic, impulses. He makes them travel far and fast, breach all norms, gamble against all odds, fear none �?in short: he transforms them into that which he could never be. The narcissist thrives on the attention, admiration, fascination, or horrified reactions lavished upon his proxies. He consumes the Narcissistic Supply flowing through these human conduits of his own making. Such a narcissist is likely to use sentences like "I made him", "He was nothing before he met me", "He is my creation", "She learned everything she knows from me and at my expense", and so on. |
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Why can't others see him for what he is?
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| | | From: samvak | Sent: 11/08/2004 6:38 p.m. |
Hi, Memmy, I anticipated your question. It is tackled fully in my response (number 2 in the thread). These add to the picture: How can you cope with this duplicity? I loved the way you analyzed the text, interlaced with your comments. Feel free to disagree with me, by the way ..:o)) It is I who am learning from you, the victims - not the other way around! Sam |
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Why, after all the heartache and turmoil, did I keep trying to make the marriage live up to its illusion?
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| | | From: samvak | Sent: 12/08/2004 3:00 p.m. |
Hi, Memmy, I don't know you, so I can't say why you stayed in the relationship. All I can do is tell you why other women stay in abusive "relationships" and try to make them "work". I often come across sad examples of the powers of self-delusion that the narcissist provokes in his victims. It is what I call "malignant optimism". People refuse to believe that some questions are unsolvable, some diseases incurable, some disasters inevitable. They see a sign of hope in every fluctuation. They read meaning and patterns into every random occurrence, utterance, or slip. They are deceived by their own pressing need to believe in the ultimate victory of good over evil, health over sickness, order over disorder. Life appears otherwise so meaningless, so unjust and so arbitrary... So, they impose upon it a design, progress, aims, and paths. This is magical thinking. "If only he tried hard enough", "If he only really wanted to heal", "If only we found the right therapy", "If only his defences were down", "There MUST be something good and worthy under the hideous facade", "NO ONE can be that evil and destructive", "He must have meant it differently" "God, or a higher being, or the spirit, or the soul is the solution and the answer to our prayers". The Pollyanna defences of the abused are aimed against the emerging and horrible understanding that humans are specks of dust in a totally indifferent universe, the playthings of evil and sadistic forces, of which the narcissist is one - as well as against the unbearable realization that their pain means nothing to anyone but themselves. Nothing whatsoever. It has all been in vain. The narcissist holds such thinking in barely undisguised contempt. To him, it is a sign of weakness, the scent of prey, a gaping vulnerability. He uses and abuses this human need for order, good, and meaning - as he uses and abuses all other human needs. Gullibility, selective blindness, malignant optimism - these are the weapons of the beast. And the abused are hard at work to provide it with its arsenal. It takes two to tango �?/SPAN> and an equal number to sustain a long-term abusive relationship. The abuser and the abused form a bond, a dynamic, and a dependence. Expressions such as "follies a deux" and the "Stockholm Syndrome" capture facets �?/SPAN> two of a myriad �?/SPAN> of this danse macabre. It often ends fatally. It is always an excruciatingly painful affair. People �?/SPAN> overwhelmingly women �?/SPAN> remain in an abusive household for a variety of reasons: economic, parental (to protect the children), and psychological. But the objective obstacles facing the battered spouse cannot be overstated. The abuser treats his spouse as an object, an extension of himself, devoid of a separate existence and denuded of distinct needs. Thus, typically, the couple's assets are on his name �?/SPAN> from real estate to medical insurance policies. The victim has no family or friends because her abusive partner or husband frowns on her initial independence and regards it as a threat. By intimidating, cajoling, charming, and making false promises, the abuser isolates his prey from the rest of society and, thus, makes her dependence on him total. She is often also denied the option to study and acquire marketable skills or augment them. Abandoning the abusive spouse frequently leads to a prolonged period of destitution and peregrination. Custody is usually denied to parents without a permanent address, a job, income security, and, therefore, stability. Thus, the victim stands to lose not only her mate and nest �?/SPAN> but also her off-spring. There is the added menace of violent retribution by the abuser or his proxies �?/SPAN> coupled with emphatic contrition on his part and a protracted and irresistible "charm offensive". Gradually, she is convinced to put up with her spouse's cruelty in order to avoid this harrowing predicament. But there is more to an abusive dyad than mere pecuniary convenience. The abuser �?/SPAN> stealthily but unfailingly �?/SPAN> exploits the vulnerabilities in the psychological makeup of his victim. The abused party may have low self-esteem, a fluctuating sense of self-worth, primitive defence mechanisms, phobias, mental health problems, a disability, a history of failure, or a tendency to blame herself, or to feel inadequate (autoplastic neurosis). She may have come from an abusive family or environment �?/SPAN> which conditioned her to expect abuse as inevitable and "normal". In extreme and rare cases �?/SPAN> the victim is a masochist, possessed of an urge to seek ill-treatment and pain. Co-dependents People who depend on other people for their emotional gratification and the performance of Ego or daily functions. They are needy, demanding, submissive. They fear abandonment, cling and display immature behaviours in their effort to maintain the "relationship" with their companion or mate upon whom they depend. No matter what abuse is inflicted upon them �?they remain in the relationship. See also the definition of the Dependent Personality Disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-IV-TR, 2000). Inverted Narcissist Also called "covert narcissist", this is a co-dependent who depends exclusively on narcissists (narcissist-co-dependent). If you are living with a narcissist, have a relationship with one, if you are married to one, if you are working with a narcissist, etc. �?it does NOT mean that you are an inverted narcissist. To "qualify" as an inverted narcissist, you must CRAVE to be in a relationship with a narcissist, regardless of any abuse inflicted on you by him/her. You must ACTIVELY seek relationships with narcissists and ONLY with narcissists, no matter what your (bitter and traumatic) past experience has been. You must feel EMPTY and UNHAPPY in relationships with ANY OTHER kind of person. Only then, and if you satisfy the other diagnostic criteria of a Dependent Personality Disorder, can you be safely labelled an "inverted narcissist". Read about the Inverted Narcissist here: At the commencement of the relationship, the Narcissist is a dream-come-true. He is often intelligent, witty, charming, good looking, an achiever, empathetic, in need of love, loving, caring, attentive and much more. He is the perfect bundled answer to the nagging questions of life: finding meaning, companionship, compatibility and happiness. He is, in other words, ideal. It is difficult to let go of this idealized figure. Relationships with narcissists inevitably and invariably end with the dawn of a double realisation. The first is that one has been (ab)used by the narcissist and the second is that one was regarded by the narcissist as a disposable, dispensable and interchangeable instrument (object). The assimilation of this new gained knowledge is an excruciating process, often unsuccessfully completed. People get fixated at different stages. They fail to come to terms with their rejection as human beings �?the most total form of rejection there is. We all react to loss. Loss makes us feel helpless and objectified. When our loved ones die �?we feel that Nature or God or Life treated us as playthings. When we divorce (especially if we did not initiate the break-up), we often feel that we have been exploited and abused in the relationship, that we are being "dumped", that our needs and emotions are ignored. In short, we again feel objectified. Losing the narcissist is no different to any other major loss in life. It provokes a cycle of bereavement and grief (as well as some kind of mild post traumatic stress syndrome in cases of severe abuse). This cycle has four phases: denial, rage, sadness and acceptance. Denial can assume many forms. Some go on pretending that the narcissist is still a part of their life, even going to the extreme of "interacting" with the narcissist by pretending to "communicate" with him or to "meet" him (through others, for instance). Others develop persecutory delusions, thus incorporating the imaginary narcissist into their lives as an ominous and dark presence. This ensures "his" continued "interest" in them �?however malevolent and threatening that "interest" is perceived to be. These are radical denial mechanisms, which border on the psychotic and often dissolve into brief psychotic micro-episodes. More benign and transient forms of denial include the development of ideas of reference. The narcissist's every move or utterance is interpreted to be directed at the suffering person, his ex, and to carry a hidden message which can be "decoded" only by the recipient. Others deny the very narcissistic nature of the narcissist. They attribute his abusive conduct to ignorance, mischief, lack of self-control (due to childhood abuse or trauma), or benign intentions. This denial mechanism leads them to believe that the narcissist is really not a narcissist but someone who is not aware of his "true" being, or someone who merely and innocently enjoys mind games and toying with people's lives, or an unwitting part of a dark conspiracy to defraud and abuse gullible victims. Often the narcissist is depicted as obsessed or possessed �?imprisoned by his "invented" condition and, really, deep inside, a nice and gentle and lovable person. At the healthier end of the spectrum of denial reactions we find the classical denial of loss �?the disbelief, the hope that the narcissist may return, the suspension and repression of all information to the contrary. Denial in mentally healthy people quickly evolves into rage. There are a few types of rage. Rage can be focussed and directed at the narcissist, at other facilitators of the loss, such as the narcissist's lover, or at specific circumstances. It can be directed at oneself �?which often leads to depression, suicidal ideation, self-mutilation and, in some cases, suicide. Or, it can be diffuse, all-pervasive, all-encompassing and engulfing. Such loss-related rage can be intense and in bursts or osmotic and permeate the whole emotional landscape. Rage gives place to sadness. It is the sadness of the trapped animal, an existential angst mixed with acute depression. It involves dysphoria (inability to rejoice, to be optimistic, or expectant) and anhedonia (inability to experience pleasure or to find meaning in life). It is a paralysing sensation, which slows one down and enshrouds everything in the grey veil of randomness. It all looks meaningless and empty. This, in turn, gives place to gradual acceptance, renewed energy, and bouts of activity. The narcissist is gone both physically and mentally. The void left in his wake still hurts and pangs of regret and hope still exist. But, on the whole, the narcissist is transformed into a narrative, a symbol, another life experience, or a (tedious) cliché. He is no longer omni-present and his former victim entertains no delusions as to the one-sided and abusive nature of the relationship or as to the possibility and desirability of its renewal. Also Read Ideas of Reference The Psychology of Torture Traumas as Social Interactions Surviving the Narcissist: Take care. Sam |
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How can an independent, intelligent, caring, sincere, down to earth woman fall for his crap?
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| | | From: Memmy_1 | Sent: 13/08/2004 2:04 a.m. |
Dr. Sam You are right on target about N and him being an abuser. I am so intrigued by your research that I cannot even comment. There is too much that is too close to home. I did read this: A sense of cohesive self-identity depends crucially on the familiar and the continuous. By attacking both one's biological body and one's "social body", the victim's psyche is strained to the point of dissociation. It is so true. And strained is the word. I was strained mentally and then physically...beyond anything I ever experienced and ever imagined. On overload, I collapsed mentally and then my body started giving away. I was sick a lot...sinus infections, headaches, and then back problems and I was always so drained and tired. My body was trying to tell me something. Thank you so much for your wise words. I only wish I had known about this about 20 years ago. Memmy |
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| | | Sent: 13/08/2004 10:50 a.m. |
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| | | Sent: 13/08/2004 10:54 a.m. |
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Why am I still mourning for the loss of my marriage?
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| | | From: samvak | Sent: 13/08/2004 1:56 p.m. |
Hi, Memmy, Why, after all the heartache and turmoil, did I keep trying to make the marriage live up to its illusion?
How can an independent, intelligent, caring, sincere, down to earth woman fall for his crap?
Why am I still mourning for the loss of my marriage?
These questions are virtually one and the same, I am afraid. All three are fully tackled my response (post number 7). I hope you found are correspondence of some help. Take care. Sam |
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