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I dated my "N" for five months. He has not been
professionally diagnosed. When we were first dating,
he was perfect. We had so many things in common, and
we had a genuine mutual interest in each other. He
made me feel incredibly beautiful and special.
He made it apparent from the beginning that he had
some issues stemming from his divorce two years ago.
His wife left him for another man. He blames his
heavy drinking on her and the divorce and also blames
his behavior regarding the women he's dated on her.
They were married for ten years.
After the divorce, he became a player. He told me
that he had a "time limit" with women and would only
date them for two months. He claims that he told the
women this from the beginning, but women would think
that they could be the ones to change him and make
them fall in love with him.
Of course, with ME, it was different. He no longer
had a time limit. He made me feel like I was the one
who was different from all the others, like I had real
promise of making him fall in love with me. Although
I should have known better when he once said that the
reason we were still together is because I "don't make
him define the relationship."
Eventually, he became less charming. The change came
soon after we became intimate. Everytime he would do
something wrong, he would turn it around and try to
make it my fault. He never so much as raised his
voice at me, much less be physically violent.
Instead, he would ignore me or say sarcastic and
smart-ass things that minimized me or the
relationship. He made it virtually impossible to
discuss any of these issues.
Finally, after being particularly obnoxious and
uncaring on a trip we went on, I dumped him. (I broke
my finger on the trip and he was basically uncaring
and behaved as if I had ruined his good time. He also
spent hours ignoring me as he entertained his
friends.. And was ornery and irritating to me on the
way there.)
I told him that I was breaking up with him because we
could never talk about anything and I never knew where
I stood with him. I told him I wanted to be with
someone who was crazy about me and I didn't feel like
he was. His response was "It's not really you, it's
me. I can't be crazy about anyone and it's been that
way for two years." (Since divorce) I left and have
not spoken to him since. This has been two days ago.
QUESTION:
Is it possible that his wife really damaged him beyond
all repair, or is it more likely that he has always
been a narcissist and is only blaming all the
problems on her?
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| | From:  samvak | Sent: 27/09/2004 3:14 p.m. |
Hello, Lucky, and welcome aboard. The narcissist has alloplastic defenses. In other words, he tends to blame the world (for instance, his ex-wife) for failures, mishaps, problems, misbehavior, and defeats. Because he has a preconceived notion of a hostile, menacing Universe - his experience only serves to fortify his prejudices. The narcissist learns nothing, forgets nothing, and forgives nothing. A post-mortem of a relationship conducted with a narcissist is very frustrating because it never achieves closure. The narcissist is interested exclusively in allocating blame and generating guilt - not in progressing, developing, atoning, soothing, or concluding anything. Such exercises in futility are best avoided. Narcissistic abusers regularly deny the abuse ever took place �?/SPAN> or rationalize their abusive behaviors. Denial is an integral part of the abuser's ability to "look at himself/herself in the mirror". There are many types of denial. When confronted by his victims, most abusers tend to shift blame or avoid the topic altogether. Total Denial 1. Outright Denial Typical retorts by the abuser: "It never happened, or it was not abuse, you are just imagining it, or you want to hurt my (the abuser's) feelings." 2. Alloplastic Defense Common sentences when challenged: "It was your fault, you, or your behavior, or the circumstances, provoked me into such behavior." 3. Altruistic Defense Usual convoluted explanations: "I did it for you, in your best interests." 4. Transformative Defense Recurring themes: "What I did to you was not abuse �?/SPAN> it was common and accepted behavior (at the time, or in the context of the prevailing culture or in accordance with social norms), it was not meant as abuse." Abusers frequently have narcissistic traits. As such, they are more concerned with appearance than with substance. Dependent for Narcissistic Supply on the community �?/SPAN> neighbors, colleagues, co-workers, bosses, friends, extended family �?/SPAN> they cultivate an unblemished reputation for honesty, industriousness, religiosity, reliability, and conformity. Forms of Denial in Public 1. Family Honor Stricture Characteristic admonitions: "We don't do dirty laundry publicly, the family's honor and repute must be preserved, what will the neighbors say?" 2. Family Functioning Stricture Dire and ominous scenarios: "If you snitch and inform the authorities, they will take me (the abusive parent) away and the whole family will disintegrate." Confronting the abuser with incontrovertible proof of his abusive behavior is one way of minimizing contact with him. Abusers �?/SPAN> like the narcissists that they often are �?/SPAN> cannot tolerate criticism or disagreement (more about it here). Other stratagems for making your abuser uncomfortable and, thus, giving him a recurrent incentive to withdraw �?/SPAN> here and here. About the grandiosity gap that underlies the narcissistic abuser's inability to face reality �?/SPAN> here and here. The narcissist can get better, but rarely does he get well ("heal"). The reason is the narcissist's enormous life-long, irreplaceable and indispensable emotional investment in his disorder. It serves two critical functions, which together maintain the precariously balanced house of cards called the narcissist's personality. His disorder endows the narcissist with a sense of uniqueness, of "being special" - and it provides him with a rational explanation of his behaviour (an "alibi"). Most narcissists reject the notion or diagnosis that they are mentally disturbed. Absent powers of introspection and a total lack of self-awareness are part and parcel of the disorder. Pathological narcissism is founded on alloplastic defences - the firm conviction that the world or others are to blame for one's behaviour. The narcissist firmly believes that people around him should be held responsible for his reactions or have triggered them. With such a state of mind so firmly entrenched, the narcissist is incapable of admitting that something is wrong with HIM. But that is not to say that the narcissist does not experience his disorder. He does. But he re-interprets this experience. He regards his dysfunctional behaviours - social, sexual, emotional, mental - as conclusive and irrefutable proof of his superiority, brilliance, distinction, prowess, might, or success. Rudeness to others is reinterpreted as efficiency. Abusive behaviours are cast as educational. Sexual absence as proof of preoccupation with higher functions. His rage is always just and a reaction to injustice or being misunderstood by intellectual dwarves. Thus, paradoxically, the disorder becomes an integral and inseparable part of the narcissist's inflated self-esteem and vacuous grandiose fantasies. His False Self (the pivot of his pathological narcissism) is a self-reinforcing mechanism. The narcissist thinks that he is unique BECAUSE he has a False Self. His False Self IS the centre of his "specialness". Any therapeutic "attack" on the integrity and functioning of the False Self constitutes a threat to the narcissist's ability to regulate his wildly fluctuating sense of self-worth and an effort to "reduce" him to other people's mundane and mediocre existence. The few narcissists that are willing to admit that something is terribly wrong with them, displace their alloplastic defences. Instead of blaming the world, other people, or circumstances beyond their control - they now blame their "disease". Their disorder become a catch-all, universal explanation for everything that is wrong in their lives and every derided, indefensible and inexcusable behaviour. Their narcissism becomes a "licence to kill", a liberating force which sets them outside human rules and codes of conduct. Such freedom is so intoxicating and empowering that it is difficult to give up. The narcissist is emotionally attached to only one thing: his disorder. The narcissist loves his disorder, desires it passionately, cultivates it tenderly, is proud of its "achievements" (and in my case, makes a living off it). His emotions are misdirected. Where normal people love others and empathize with them, the narcissist loves his False Self and identifies with it to the exclusion of all else - his True Self included. Take care. Sam |
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|  0 recommendations | Message 3 of 12 in Discussion |
| | Sent: 28/09/2004 2:52 a.m. |
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I have read about narcissists typically being abusive
with their own children. He seems to be the "Daddy of
the Year". He dotes on his children, and seems almost
a little "too" doting. He brags on them all the time
and spends a lot of time with them. Everyone that
knows him thinks he's a fantastic dad. Is it all for
show?
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| | 0 recommendations | Message 5 of 12 in Discussion |
| | Sent: 28/09/2004 5:07 p.m. |
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I know you can't make a diagnosis, but in your own
personal opinion, does the man I describe sound like a
true narcissist or someone who has a lot of
narcissistic traits?
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| | | From: samvak | Sent: 29/09/2004 1:35 p.m. |
Hi, Lucky, There is no better narcissistic supply than being considered the "Daddy of the Year" - especially if your children are willing and abundant sources of adulation and admiration. Such children are at risk of developing narcissistic traits themselves! Is pathological narcissism the outcome of verbal, sexual, physical, or psychological abuse (the overwhelming view) - or, on the contrary, the sad result of spoiling the child and idolizing it (Millon, the late Freud)? This debate is easier to resolve if one agrees to adopt a more comprehensive definition of "abuse". Overweening, smothering, spoiling, overvaluing, and idolizing the child - are all forms of parental abuse. This is because, as Horney pointed out, the child is dehumanized and instrumentalized. His parents love him not for what he really is - but for what they wish and imagine him to be: the fulfillment of their dreams and frustrated wishes. The child becomes the vessel of his parents' discontented lives, a tool, the magic brush with which they can transform their failures into successes, their humiliation into victory, their frustrations into happiness. The child is taught to ignore reality and to occupy the parental fantastic space. Such an unfortunate child feels omnipotent and omniscient, perfect and brilliant, worthy of adoration and entitled to special treatment. The faculties that are honed by constantly brushing against bruising reality - empathy, compassion, a realistic assessment of one's abilities and limitations, realistic expectations of oneself and of others, personal boundaries, team work, social skills, perseverance and goal-orientation, not to mention the ability to postpone gratification and to work hard to achieve it - are all lacking or missing altogether. The child turned adult sees no reason to invest in his skills and education, convinced that his inherent genius should suffice. He feels entitled for merely being, rather than for actually doing (rather as the nobility in days gone by felt entitled not by virtue of its merit but as the inevitable, foreordained outcome of its birth right). In other words, he is not meritocratic - but aristocratic. In short: a narcissist is born. We are all members of a few families in our lifetime: the one that we are born to and the one(s) that we create. We all transfer hurts, attitudes, fears, hopes and desires �?a whole emotional baggage �?from the former to the latter. The narcissist is no exception. The narcissist has a dichotomous view of humanity: humans are either Sources of Narcissistic Supply (and, then, idealised and over-valued) or do not fulfil this function (and, therefore, are valueless, devalued). The narcissist gets all the love that he needs from himself. From the outside he needs approval, affirmation, admiration, adoration, attention �?in other words, externalised Ego boundary functions. He does not require �?nor does he seek �?his parents' or his siblings' love, or to be loved by his children. He casts them as the audience in the theatre of his inflated grandiosity. He wishes to impress them, shock them, threaten them, infuse them with awe, inspire them, attract their attention, subjugate them, or manipulate them. He emulates and simulates an entire range of emotions and employs every means to achieve these effects. He lies (narcissists are pathological liars �?their very self is a false one). He acts the pitiful, or, its opposite, the resilient and reliable. He stuns and shines with outstanding intellectual, or physical capacities and achievements, or behaviour patterns appreciated by the members of the family. When confronted with (younger) siblings or with his own children, the narcissist is likely to go through three phases: At first, he perceives his offspring or siblings as a threat to his Narcissistic Supply, such as the attention of his spouse, or mother, as the case may be. They intrude on his turf and invade the Pathological Narcissistic Space. The narcissist does his best to belittle them, hurt (even physically) and humiliate them and then, when these reactions prove ineffective or counter productive, he retreats into an imaginary world of omnipotence. A period of emotional absence and detachment ensues. His aggression having failed to elicit Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist proceeds to indulge himself in daydreaming, delusions of grandeur, planning of future coups, nostalgia and hurt (the Lost Paradise Syndrome). The narcissist reacts this way to the birth of his children or to the introduction of new foci of attention to the family cell (even to a new pet!). Whoever the narcissist perceives to be in competition for scarce Narcissistic Supply is relegated to the role of the enemy. Where the uninhibited expression of the aggression and hostility aroused by this predicament is illegitimate or impossible �?the narcissist prefers to stay away. Rather than attack his offspring or siblings, he sometimes immediately disconnects, detaches himself emotionally, becomes cold and uninterested, or directs transformed anger at his mate or at his parents (the more "legitimate" targets). Other narcissists see the opportunity in the "mishap". They seek to manipulate their parents (or their mate) by "taking over" the newcomer. Such narcissists monopolise their siblings or their newborn children. This way, indirectly, they benefit from the attention directed at the infants. The sibling or offspring become vicarious sources of Narcissistic Supply and proxies for the narcissist. An example: by being closely identified with his offspring, a narcissistic father secures the grateful admiration of the mother ("What an outstanding father/brother he is"). He also assumes part of or all the credit for baby's/sibling's achievements. This is a process of annexation and assimilation of the other, a strategy that the narcissist makes use of in most of his relationships. As siblings or progeny grow older, the narcissist begins to see their potential to be edifying, reliable and satisfactory Sources of Narcissistic Supply. His attitude, then, is completely transformed. The former threats have now become promising potentials. He cultivates those whom he trusts to be the most rewarding. He encourages them to idolise him, to adore him, to be awed by him, to admire his deeds and capabilities, to learn to blindly trust and obey him, in short to surrender to his charisma and to become submerged in his follies-de-grandeur. It is at this stage that the risk of child abuse - up to and including outright incest - is heightened. The narcissist is auto-erotic. He is the preferred object of his own sexual attraction. His siblings and his children share his genetic material. Molesting or having intercourse with them is as close as the narcissist gets to having sex with himself. Moreover, the narcissist perceives sex in terms of annexation. The partner is "assimilated" and becomes an extension of the narcissist, a fully controlled and manipulated object. Sex, to the narcissist, is the ultimate act of depersonalization and objectification of the other. He actually masturbates with other people's bodies. Minors pose little danger of criticizing the narcissist or confronting him. They are perfect, malleable and abundant sources of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissist derives gratification from having coital relations with adulating, physically and mentally inferior, inexperienced and dependent "bodies". These roles �?allocated to them explicitly and demandingly or implicitly and perniciously by the narcissist �?are best fulfilled by ones whose mind is not yet fully formed and independent. The older the siblings or offspring, the more they become critical, even judgemental, of the narcissist. They are better able to put into context and perspective his actions, to question his motives, to anticipate his moves. As they mature, they often refuse to continue to play the mindless pawns in his chess game. They hold grudges against him for what he has done to them in the past, when they were less capable of resistance. They can gauge his true stature, talents and achievements �?which, usually, lag far behind the claims that he makes. This brings the narcissist a full cycle back to the first phase. Again, he perceives his siblings or sons/daughters as threats. He quickly becomes disillusioned and devaluing. He loses all interest, becomes emotionally remote, absent and cold, rejects any effort to communicate with him, citing life pressures and the preciousness and scarceness of his time. He feels burdened, cornered, besieged, suffocated, and claustrophobic. He wants to get away, to abandon his commitments to people who have become totally useless (or even damaging) to him. He does not understand why he has to support them, or to suffer their company and he believes himself to have been deliberately and ruthlessly trapped. He rebels either passively-aggressively (by refusing to act or by intentionally sabotaging the relationships) or actively (by being overly critical, aggressive, unpleasant, verbally and psychologically abusive and so on). Slowly �?to justify his acts to himself �?he gets immersed in conspiracy theories with clear paranoid hues. To his mind, the members of the family conspire against him, seek to belittle or humiliate or subordinate him, do not understand him, or stymie his growth. The narcissist usually finally gets what he wants and the family that he has created disintegrates to his great sorrow (due to the loss of the Narcissistic Space) �?but also to his great relief and surprise (how could they have let go someone as unique as he?). This is the cycle: the narcissist feels threatened by arrival of new family members �?he tries to assimilate or annex of siblings or offspring �?he obtains Narcissistic Supply from them �?he overvalues and idealizes these newfound sources �?as sources grow older and independent, they adopt anti narcissistic behaviours �?the narcissist devalues them �?the narcissist feels stifled and trapped �?the narcissist becomes paranoid �?the narcissist rebels and the family disintegrates. This cycle characterises not only the family life of the narcissist. It is to be found in other realms of his life (his career, for instance). At work, the narcissist, initially, feels threatened (no one knows him, he is a nobody). Then, he develops a circle of admirers, cronies and friends which he "nurtures and cultivates" in order to obtain Narcissistic Supply from them. He overvalues them (to him, they are the brightest, the most loyal, with the biggest chances to climb the corporate ladder and other superlatives). But following some anti-narcissistic behaviours on their part (a critical remark, a disagreement, a refusal, however polite) �?the narcissist devalues all these previously idealized individuals. Now that they have dared oppose him - they are judged by him to be stupid, cowardly, lacking in ambition, skills and talents, common (the worst expletive in the narcissist's vocabulary), with an unspectacular career ahead of them. The narcissist feels that he is misallocating his scarce and invaluable resources (for instance, his time). He feels besieged and suffocated. He rebels and erupts in a serious of self-defeating and self-destructive behaviours, which lead to the disintegration of his life. Doomed to build and ruin, attach and detach, appreciate and depreciate, the narcissist is predictable in his "death wish". What sets him apart from other suicidal types is that his wish is granted to him in small, tormenting doses throughout his anguished life. Appendix - Custody and Visitation A parent diagnosed with full-fledged Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) should be denied custody and be granted only restricted rights of visitation under supervision. Narcissists accord the same treatment to children and adults. They regard both as sources of narcissistic supply, mere instruments of gratification - idealize them at first and then devalue them in favour of alternative, safer and more subservient, sources. Such treatment is traumatic and can have long-lasting emotional effects. The narcissist's inability to acknowledge and abide by the personal boundaries set by others puts the child at heightened risk of abuse - verbal, emotional, physical, and, often, sexual. His possessiveness and panoply of indiscriminate negative emotions - transformations of aggression, such as rage and envy - hinder his ability to act as a "good enough" parent. His propensities for reckless behaviour, substance abuse, and sexual deviance endanger the child's welfare, or even his or her life.
Also read Narcissistic Parents Beware the Children Leveraging the Children Tell Your Children the Truth What is Abuse (series) Abuse in the Family (series) Parenthood - The Irrational Vocation The Genetic Underpinnings of Narcissism Take care. Sam |
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| | | From: samvak | Sent: 29/09/2004 1:39 p.m. |
You are right, Lucky, I cannot make a diagnosis or even give you an opinion. It would be irresponsible and not serious. Only a qualified mental health diagnostician can determine whether someone suffers from NPD and this, following lengthy tests and personal interviews.
All of us have narcissistic TRAITS. Some of us even develop a narcissistic PERSONALITY, or a narcissistic STYLE. Moreover, narcissism is a SPECTRUM of behaviors - from the healthy to the utterly pathological (a condition known as the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD). The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) IV-TR uses this language to describe the malignant narcissist: "An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts." So, what matters is that these characteristics, often found in healthy people, appear jointly and not separately or intermittently and that they are all-pervasive (invade, penetrate, and mould every aspect, nook, and cranny of the personality): -
That grandiose fantasies are abundantly discernible; -
That grandiose (often ridiculous) behaviors are present; -
That there is an over-riding need for admiration and adulation or attention ("narcissistic supply"); -
That the person lacks empathy (regards other people as two dimensional cartoon figures and abstractions, unable to "stand in their shoes"); -
That these traits and behaviors begin, at the latest, in early adolescence; -
That the narcissistic behaviors pervade all the social and emotional interactions of the narcissist. The DSM specifies nine diagnostic criteria. For NPD to be diagnosed, five (or more) of these criteria must be met. (In the text below, I have proposed modifications to the language of these criteria to incorporate current knowledge about this disorder. My modifications appear in bold italics.) (My amendments do not constitute a part of the text of the DSM-IV-TR, nor is the American Psychiatric Association (APA) associated with them in any way.) Click here to download a bibliography of the studies and research regarding the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) on which I based my proposed revisions. Proposed Amended Criteria for the Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);
- Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;
- Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);
- Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply);
- Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favourable priority treatment;
- Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;
- Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;
- Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;
- Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, "above the law", and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy.
The language in the criteria above is based on or summarized from: American Psychiatric Association. (2000). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, fourth edition (DSM IV-TR). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association. Sam Vaknin. (1999, 2001, 2003). Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited, fifth, revised printing Prague and Skopje: Narcissus Publication. ("Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" http://samvak.tripod.com/faq1.html) What is Narcissism? A pattern of traits and behaviours which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition. - Most narcissists (50-75%, according to the DSM-IV-TR) are men.
- The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is one of a "family" of personality disorders (known as "Cluster B"). Other members of Cluster B are Borderline PD, Antisocial PD and Histrionic PD.
- NPD is often diagnosed with other mental health disorders ("co-morbidity") �?or with substance abuse and impulsive and reckless behaviours ("dual diagnosis").
- NPD is new (1980) mental health category in the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual (DSM).
- There is only scant research regarding narcissism. But what there is has not demonstrated any ethnic, social, cultural, economic, genetic, or professional predilection to NPD.
- It is estimated that 0.7-1% of the general population suffer from NPD.
- Pathological narcissism was first described in detail by Freud. Other major contributors are: Klein, Horney, Kohut, Kernberg, Millon, Roningstam, Gunderson, Hare.
- The onset of narcissism is in infancy, childhood and early adolescence. It is commonly attributed to childhood abuse and trauma inflicted by parents, authority figures, or even peers.
- There is a whole range of narcissistic reactions �?from the mild, reactive and transient to the permanent personality disorder.
- Narcissistic Supply is outside attention �?usually positive (adulation, affirmation, fame, celebrity) �?used by the narcissist to regulate his labile sense of self-worth.
- Narcissists are either "cerebral" (derive their Narcissistic Supply from their intelligence or academic achievements) or "somatic" (derive their Narcissistic Supply from their physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and romantic or physical "conquests").
- Narcissists are either "classic" [see definition below] or they are "compensatory", or "inverted" [see definitions here: "The Inverted Narcissist"].
- The classic narcissist is self-confident, the compensatory narcissist covers up in his haughty behaviour for a deep-seated deficit in self-esteem, and the inverted type is a co-dependent who caters to the emotional needs of a classic narcissist.
- NPD is treated in talk therapy (psychodynamic or cognitive-behavioural). The prognosis for an adult narcissist is poor, though his adaptation to life and to others can improve with treatment. Medication is applied to side-effects and behaviours (such as mood or affect disorders and obsession-compulsion) �?usually with some success.
The ICD-10, the International Classification of Mental and Behavioural Disorders, published by the World Health Organisation in Geneva [1992] regards Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as "a personality disorder that fits none of the specific rubrics". It relegates it to the category "Other Specific Personality Disorders" together with the eccentric, "haltlose", immature, passive-aggressive, and psychoneurotic personality disorders and types. The American Psychiatric Association, based in Washington D.C., USA, publishes the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR) [2000] where it provides the diagnostic criteria for the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The DSM defines NPD as "an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts." The DSM specifies nine diagnostic criteria. For NPD to be diagnosed, five (or more) of these criteria must be met. [In the text below, I have proposed modifications to the language of these criteria to incorporate current knowledge about this disorder. My modifications appear in bold italics.] [My amendments do not constitute a part of the text of the DSM-IV-TR, nor is the American Psychiatric Association (APA) associated with them in any way.] [Click here to download a bibliography of the studies and research regarding the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) on which I based my proposed revisions.] Proposed Amended Criteria for the Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognised as superior without commensurate achievements);
- Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;
- Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);
- Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation �?or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply);
- Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favourable priority treatment;
- Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;
- Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;
- Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;
- Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, "above the law", and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy.
More here: A Primer on Narcissism Take care. Sam |
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I also read somewhere that N's typically look
significantly younger than they are. My N does indeed
look at least ten years younger. I read that this is
because they do not spend as much time in "reality",
and don't have the normal "wear and tear" that normal
people do. Would you agree with this?
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| | | From: samvak | Sent: 30/09/2004 11:41 a.m. |
Hi, Lucky, This is the sort of generalization - unsupported by any study or evidence - that gives a bad name to the serious study of narcissism. Narcissists are supposed to have a special smile, I heard. They are supposed to be left-handed. No, right-handed. With a special type of hypnotic stare. Or a typical haircut. Thick necks. Thin necks. Oval heads. Long limbs. Stocky. They prefer leather shoes. Or snickers. hey hate rain. They refuse to water the plants. They leave the toilette paper folded in a special way. I am kidding you not. These are some of the inane "observations" I have come across in my correspondence. Narcissists do refuse to grow up (the Peter Pan syndrome or the Puer Aeternus in Jungian parlance). The somatic ones nurture their bodies obsessively. All narcissists have a False Self and wallow in confabulations. That's all there is to it. More here: Jeffrey Satinover on the Myth of Narcissus This second version of the Narcissus legend was first told by Pausanias. Jeffrey Satinover in his excellent essay "Puer Aeternus - The Narcissistic Relation to the Self" (he is a Jungian) elaborates: "The core of Puer (=eternal adolescent - SV) relationships is this: the puer seeks relationships that provide him the kind of reflection he is unable to perform for himself. What appears as extroversion in the puer is not that at all. In effect, the puer does not relate to objects (in the analytic sense); he relates instead to a missing part of himself which he either sees in another or makes another perform. Objects function for the puer primarily as an indirect means of introversion.
(Here Satinover quotes Pausanias and proceeds:) If we take this myth simply as a reflection of the puer's anima problem, we see right away that he seeks not so much his mother as, through the anima, himself." Take care. Sam |
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Why did he keep me around so long, why not dump me
before I could dump him? |
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Reply
| | | From: samvak | Sent: 1/10/2004 10:23 a.m. |
Hi, Lucky, You don't sound like you dumped him. You sound as though you are still very interested in him. It sounds like you are trying to find some mitigating circumstances (his wife, his life) which will allow you to re-establish the relationship. Moreover, he believes that he MADE YOU dump him. He belives that HE forced your hand. As far as he isd concerned, he has initiated his abandonment by behaving obnoxiously. I am quoting you: "His response was "It's not really you, it's me. I can't be crazy about anyone and it's been that way for two years." (Since divorce) I left and have not spoken to him since. This has been two days ago."
More here: I hope our correspondence wa of some help. Have a tranquil weekend. Sam |
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