I have written to this website many times, all your answers have been so inspirational, I read them over and over again and feel empowered, then the telephone rings and every ounce of strength disappears!, I become a babbling, crying and begging mess.  This man whom I have allow to take away my self-confidence, my strength and my personality has done a grand job.  He holds me in a very destructive hold.  He claims I am the crazy drama queen, he does no wrong.  I wake up some mornings sick to my stomach and yearning for him, next morning I wake angry and feel empowered.  I have now started having suicidal ideations, I even wish him dead, then I call him and cry.  All I want him to do is to love me for whom I am, I want him to understand that I am not this crazy person, then I beg for him to see this and he doesn't, he just continues to tell me that I have difficulties maintaining a relationship (I know this not to be true). So this very sick destructionally game continues.  Then with time, he suddenly changes, he breaks every rule to show me how much he loves me, he makes me feel special and so amazing.  I turn my back on everyone who picked me up when I was down, stop reading this website and slowly form this loving bond with the devil.  Then the pattern returns, but with each time it returns, I am weaker, he is stronger and my friends turn away and call me a fool.  I am back in this pattern of hell, I see him as a devil, he treats me so badly, yet I take it, time and time again.  Before I met him I felt so strong, full of self-confidence, I was me, loved being me now I hate me, I hate being with me and I am so lost and confused.  The only wise thing I have done is I never mix business with pleasure or disaster, so I go to work, do a grand job and NO_ONE knows the hell I am going thru'.  On the otherhand I have NO friends that I can cry to when I feel like this, they are all quite sick of me and my destructive patterns.  How do I stop this madness.  I know he never will be the man I think he is, today he is the devil, he is cruel, unkind and just loves seeing me in despair.  When the devil is in him, he ridicules me, smiles a sardonic grin and shakes his head when I talk to him.  He thinks he all that and more, I feed his ego and he feeds off my goodness and my ability to forgive.   I know the first step is to walk away and stay away.  I just cannot resist him.  Surely others have been there and done that.  Help me find my strength to finally end this chaotic mess I am in.