Forgive???  OMG.....My counselor, and my support groups, and books, and church say to forgive, so that I can heal internally....

But......it is OH SO HARD because the damage, the pain, the continual horrific reminders of the scattered debris he left me to deal with are everpresent......everywhere in the house, everytime a bill collector calls, the monies I'm paying to my team of lawyers (yes, because of EVERYTHING he has done), knowing he wants me to pay him alimony, knowing he has turned one of our children against me......... constant living in the present of what I just want to forget-------that is why it is so damned hard to FORGIVE......

But, I know eventually I will have to....... get over this anger, this angst, this confusion....

I have to admit I'm much better than I was 11 months ago---- actually not even comparable---I can get thru hours without thinking of him-----I can sleep all night-----I can eat (maybe even more than I should be!!!!)----I can smile and laugh and not look distraught-----and I can REALLY have fun!!!!

But, I know I haven't forgiven----but, now I can acknowlege and accept that he has a sick mind----and that is why some of what he has put thru happened........ so....hmmmm, maybe I'm getting there...

Most important we each have to take care of ourselves------forgive ourselves for "allowing" this to happen, for-----I guess in a sense---being co-dependent.  I am returning to the confidant, strong, independent woman he first fell in love with-----and he saw that person in court last week and I knew he was stressed-----and it felt so good to see him distraught, and not me!!!!!  And, I think I saw a little, just a little, regret........or maybe it was the reality that things were not going his way in court..... yeah, I'm sure that was it was!!!!