 |
|
Reply
| | From:  shimauta11 (Original Message) | Sent: 7/04/2008 11:37 p.m. |
Hi, I really need some help. I need to know if my stepdaughter is an uN. I'm thingking about leaving his father, my husband, because I can no longer stand the situation. She is 22, lives with us. She is someone "difficult". Ive been married to his father since she was 6 and NOTHING has made possible a change on her. When she was 6, she started taking my jewelry and giving it to someone else. Later on, she kept stealing my things, my cloths, my books, my magazines, keeping them in her room and making them appear back again whenever she wanted. She lives with us since she was 16, before that, she lived with her mother. They never got along. She always walks around without saying "good morning", "good bye", "please"... she just walks around like a queen. She has her own apartament in the garden of our house, fully furnished, fully equiped with all she needs.... but if she has to do some homework from college, she goes to our house and studies there. No problem with it, but she doesnt pick up her stuff and leaves a big mess. She doesnt wash her dishes in her aparment, instead, she brings them dirty to our kitchen and leave them there till somebody else washes them. Since she tells her father that "she doesnt eat", she never takes lunch or dinner with us, but she takes the whole dish with food to her room.... and theres no food for the rest of us (my 2 kids live with us too). I have complained for this for a long time, but my husband doent support me, because she says "I didnt do this", and he believes her..... and I am the bad one. She is lonely, no friends, never sees her mother (or almost never), she doesnt get along with her own sisters. She seems obsessed with me and my stuff. Her sisters say that she takes things from friends, too, but my husband seem not to beleive and doesnt want to face the problem. Ive tried to take it easy and think that some day she will leave, or that she will improve, but I am getting tired, not only to her behavior but also about my husband denial and double standards. So I would like to know if she might be an N? One more hint: she takes LOTS, LOTS AND LOTS of pictures of herself, and hang them all around her apartment. And also of her dog. And thats it. And she also imitates me in the way I decor the house (of course, taking my things). I´ve told her and my husband that if she wants something that is mine, she just has to ask..... but she keeps with the same behavior. I love her father but Im very tired... Thankyou |
|
|
Reply
| |
Well, that's all I´ve tried to say, but they havent worked. When the whole problem started about 5 years ago, my husband said: "if you dont like to live here, GO". He is the only owner (legally speaking) of the house, and my 2 son are from my first marriage. Two terrible years continued, we (H and me) went to therapy without results. I went away once but then, the D went to study away, and we both thought every thing was solved. The D went too but I was excluded.... But 2 month later upon her leaving, SHE CAME BACK !!! She couldnt get along with her roommates, with any roommate, she didnt like the college, she didnt like the city where she was leaving, and she became strongly depressed..... She was blaming on my H that he sent her away because of me. And since she didnt want to live with her mother (believe it or not !!!) she returned to our home. I feel little progress has been made. I fight for my marriage because my H and I have loved each other deeply and we were so happy before she came... And my younger son gets depressed when I start making plans of moving away, he is very upset when the word "separation" or "divorce" sounds. After a big fight with him during this Estearn vacation, the kitchen has stayed clean. Lets see how long it takes. And now I am giving her some of her own medicine: I get into her apartment and get my stuff back. And all the rooms in my house are locked with keys that I only have..... Bizarre, isnt it ? It seems now that staying quiet and silence works best with my H. Its just like if he doesnt want to get involved.... at least I hope so. It wouldnt be strange that if he knows I take back my own stuff, he will turn against me. There are many other reasons why I dont go away. First, my son. He looses control when separation stuff begins, its like he has some kind of trauma with it (my first divorce wasnt easy) a. Second, and as CoryGlory said, its MY house, no matter if I am not the legal owner. And third, If I go my own way..... I have to get myself into a big trouble of money, find a home, etc.... and I feel its not fare. Anyway, I am trying to find some help to support my son, just in case I finally give up. |
|
Reply
| |
And what do you think about taking herself so many pictures? Is that a sign of N ? |
|
Reply
| |
Hi Shimauta, It sounds as if you are in a real mess. I couldn't guess if she is an N or not. The picture thing is weird, though. She sure must like looking at herself. Is your husband good to your sons? How do your sons feel about your husband? Gloria |
|
Reply
| |
Yes, my husband is good to my sons. Not like if they were their own sons, but much better than their real father !!! They both ask him for advice when need something, or ask for help with practical things. The youngest boy was depressed when broke down with his girlfriend, and he was a strong support for me. Actually, ke doesnt treat them like his sons, even though they have lived with him since they were 7 and 5, but its OK. They feel OK with them but make some critics, too. |
|
Reply
| |
How old are your sons? Do they have contact with their natural father? |
|
Reply
| |
| Hi,! Usually, the persons closest to the narcissistic person notices how "difficult" that person can be and will go through great strides to "keep the peace". But really, who's at peace? The N. Or the persons around the N. Despite your husband's unwillingness to confront his possibly narcissitic daughter, he's probably been down that road before and is trying his hardest to maintain balance in a clearly unbalanced environment. If this is the case, which I suspect, then your best alternative is to inform your husband of your newly established rules. Also understand that despite how compassionate and calm you are, his daughter will take every attempt as criticism etc and try to make you feel less than. But stick to your guns! Additionally, it may be helpful to read up on the N disorder to better educate yourself. Do this for you first! I am sure your husband knows something is up, but until he's really ready to face the hard truth about his babygirl, then you are going to have to tread carefully. |
|
Reply
| |
My sons are 24 and 22. Not kids either. They are in college, but in latin america, you still leave with your parents while in college (my country is very small). Their contact with their father is poor, not too frequent, he has been a totally absent father in all kinds. The youngest one has some manifestations of BPD and that is why he gets in crisis when a separation comes. He is in medical treatment, and unlike my husband, I accept his problem and face it without guilty feelings and without making him the center of our home. I include my husband in his therapy if needed and keep him well informed of everything his doctor say. When they had any problems, I always tried to make "one only front " with my husband, even though later I had to talk to him if I dont agree with something. I have always supported my husband when dealiing with my children. I've always given him his place as the head of our family. He doesnt. He is always his daughters´side, no matter if they are right or wrong (he has 2 more daughters but they are "normal", "mature", and give no problems). I am imposing those new rules almost by fire, by ways I dont like... but I dont have any other way. And I will stick to them. Its hard for me, I like to talk problems out and solve them, and dont act "underwater". But seems to be no way than that. Now I got a key from the D apartment, and I get inside and take my stuff back.... Horrible !!! And I keep every door locked !!!.... But its the only thing that seems to work, until (I hompe not) she decides to go further.... Last friday she noticed that a fine piece of cloth, that was mine and had been taken by her, was missing from her apartment.... she was so mad !!! she called my hubsband and they talked about 1 hour. When my H came back, he was silent, his face red, didnt say a word, got in bed and didnt talked to me all night. Next morning, he was still mad and made a big problem out of nothing. BUT HE DIDNT MENTIONED ANYTHING !! In the afternoon, he was normal again, loving and nice..... I know the D told him about the missing cloth, because SHE told it to the lady that cleans our house every monday. She says she bought the cloth herself (not possible, I bought it in South America and was too expensive for her )... SO how can she be so crazy? So lair? And my H HASNT SAID A WORD..... Comments? I hate breaking into her apartment, but seems to be the only way to have my stuff back..... Of course I never say a word to my H |
|
Reply
| |
I feel like your husband is afraid to talk out problems. D called him about the cloth (that belonged to you) that you took back from her apartment, and they talked for an hour, and he came home angry, and he went to bed angry, and he never said a word. This is a man who cannot communicate. Or he is afraid to communicate. Have you asked your husband, "How do you feel about the problems that we have in our home regarding your daughter?" Has he offered to talk about his feelings? |
|
Reply
| |
When she came to live with us, we talked..... and of course he said I was causing emotional troubles to her D becauseI was accusing her of something she hadnt done.
Now he says he cant do anything, because he understands that she and I dont get along and will never get along.... and he cant do anything....
And that's it !! |
|
Reply
| |
Does he ever say why he believes D instead of you? For example, if you say, "She took my perfume," and D says, "No, I did not" -- do you mean that he automatically believes D instead of you? If this is how it is, do you have any idea of why he would believe her instead of believing you? |
|
Reply
| |
I was thinking. Men. Your husband doesn't want to always be in a fight between two females. So he quit. This is what I'd do: - Go down to the grocery store and get some used boxes. They cost too much to buy. Ask the folks at the grocery store what time is best to come and get empty boxes.
- When D brings dirty dishes from her living area to your kitchen, put them in a box and sit the box outside her door. You don't need to "say" anything. To anybody.
- If she makes a mess in your house -- leaves her personal stuff laying around -- put it all in a box. Put it outside her door. Say nothing.
- Tell her -- when your husband isn't around -- "Everytime you STEAL something of mine, I will come and get it. If I cannot find it, I will STEAL something of yours."
- If she tells her father something, simply say: "Yes, that's true." Or "No, that's not true." Don't be angry. Just say, "Yes" or "No." If he isn't going to listen, there is no need for you to go on and on with the story and to give explanations.
- If he wants to talk about it, talk about it.
- Tell that girl it's YOUR house and you're not going to have people (any people -- your husband's children or YOUR children) disrespecting you in YOUR home.
- Tell that girl that you are a grown woman who has earned the right to have personal possessions that are not going to be stolen in your own home. Tell her if she wants to "borrow" something -- she needs to ask first. And if she "borrows" something -- after being given permission -- she needs to return it.
You said you love your husband. Don't let this spoiled, lieing child ruin your marriage. Calmly tell this kid, in an adult fashion, that YOU are making the rules. YOU are the woman of the house, it's YOUR home. Tell her you are willing to share your home with her, but YOU are the wife, the woman of the house, and it's "My way or the highway." |
|
Reply
| |
If you are worried that rodents will get into the boxes with dirty dishes -- get boxes that are small enough to fit into trash bags and put the box into a trash bag and tie it up. If you run out of plates and knives, forks, etc. -- get some paper plates and plastic forks, etc. When your husband asks, "Why are we eating off paper plates?" just calmly say, "Oh, all of our regular plates and forks and spoons and things are dirty." If he keeps asking questions, calmly explain what you have done and why. "Oh, Honey, I know you don't expect me to wash her dishes. She will do it whenever she has the time. We can eat off regular plates again just as soon as she has time to wash them." |
|
Reply
| |
1960. My mom kept saying, "If you don't pick up your clothes and stop throwing them all over your bedroom, I'm going to throw them all out the window." I kept on being a slob. One day I was walking home from the school bus and I saw the most amazing thing: My clothes, flying out the bedroom window. Mom never said a word. I picked up my things after that. |
|
Reply
| |
Thanks so much for all your ideas... yes, it makes sense that my H doesnt want to be in the middle of women stuff. And your ideas seem quite well. This girl is the kind of who will try to prove she is stronger than me, but I think that If I just do things as you say without getting angry, my H will stay calmed. In fact, his silence is a big improvement.
Thanks so much !! |
|
Reply
| |
I really hope it works out for you, Shimauta. Sometimes it feels really good to yell and carry on. But I'm learning that if I stay very calm and firmly speak my mind, things go alot better. When you are dealing with kids, SOMEBODY has to be the adult and establish the rules. The really hard part is sticking to the rules. These kids will wear you down with their selfishness and thoughtlessness. And, "Poor me. My parents got divorced." Or "Poor me. My dad doesn't make a million dollars a year." And on and on with "But I have a special problem and I need special consideration." I said, "Kids, if you get bad grades, I'm taking your TV away." They got bad grades. I took the TV away. I said, "Kids, if you don't clean up your rooms, you are not going to the carnival." They had to miss the carnival. Sometimes it is very hard for parents to actually ENFORCE the rules. Sometimes it makes us feel sad and we pity the children. But it is best for them. I wish you much success with this "job" you have to do. I know you have your hands full. Best Wishes, Gloria |
|
|
First
Return to N Relatives
