NARCISSISTIC_PERSONALITY

I never realized that my sister had it too until recently when she turned on me. I confronted her about yelling at her husband, "I hate you!" "I want to kill you!" She said these things to me and over the phone--in front of her three year old. Looking back, she had all the symptoms, but she really only got super bad in the past year or so. She is now nearing 40. I'm so upset to realize that my torment is not over. When my father died, I felt relieved. I know that sounds bad, but I felt I'd been liberated. He was sick and no one could help him. Now I see I have my sister to deal with. My family is falling apart. I can't stand to be around her and her family. The poor kids are obviously suffering and her husband refuses to leave or separate. It's like watching my childhood all over again.

My problem is, if I issue a no contact rule with her, won't that just worsen her feelings of abandonment and inadequacy? I don't want to make her worse! I don't want anyone at home to suffer more!

I'm mourning the loss of her and feel guilty for refusing to bow down to her. She sends me e-mails that show absolutely no concern for me. She insists that my dad's disorder was no big deal and that I am so screwed up. I'm working on an MS in Grief Counseling--I realize these all just defensive mechanisms, but how do I ever enjoy a Christmas or Thanksgiving with my sisters again? I desparately don't want to lose contact with my neices and nephews!!!

Thank you, God, for this support group! I just found out about it today!!

I wanted to share my poem with someone who would understand:

Dear Sister

A letter you could not tolerate

A shame to live this way

Regrets everywhere, my mind fills with despair

Yet no other way can there be

You mad at me

I broken-hearted for you

I must be against you

I must hurt you

Hurt you with my honest silence

Bring up your wound by standing my ground

Give into you no more can I do

I'd be lost through and through

I want deliverance from this raging plague

An illness so insidious, none can cure

Debating you will never work

Nothing I can do but pray

Nothing I can do but hurt

Nothing I can do but hope

But hope dies quickly when the sick sees no need for cure

Lost forever, I fear you are

Another victim of shame's harsh grip

You never were the best sister

But I never wanted the best sister

I only wanted you,

You, the one who has always been perfectly capable, perfectly admired, and perfectly PERFECT.

I wish I could go back and find you as you were

I'd go back and demand more.

Thanks!

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Message 2 of 3 in Discussion

From:

femfree

Sent: 10/04/2008 9:51 p.m.

HI jbrost. A proven good rule is to never put anything in wiriting with one of these personality disordered types. They'll find a way to use it against you.

You are concerned more about how she will react to your detachment than you are about the effect of her abuse to you. I hope you will know that No Contact or maximum boundary lines are your only protection from her. She's theatened to kill you for heaven sakes and you're wondering if detaching from her will cause abandonment issues. They all have abandonment issues. She needs help and she knows how to pick up the yellow pages and find a shrink for companionship.

I would recommend you read up some on dealing with difficutl people. Try to learn the art of detaching and taking the attitude of "Oh jeez, there she goes again." and when she starts up you can choose road #1 which is "I love you, but I am not going to discuss this when you get this way." hang up or "You and I don't agree, let's leave it at that, BTW, did you catch that hockey game last night?". change the subject and if that doesn't work, don't argue with her, walk away.

Q. I'm afraid if I use verbal boundaries he'll become enraged. What I can do about that?

We suggest anticipating this reaction by saying something like "P, you sometimes become angry when we discuss [topic] P. If you get angry P that just proves my point. Can you remain calm while we discuss this P?" Using this tactic you establish the need for a rational, calm discussion, and by asking a Yes/No question you establish your control of the situation. At all times we keep our voice at a normal conversational level, remain very calm, show no emotion. Speak slowly without anger or aggression. Remember, although intelligent in his occupation, he is emotionally equivalent to a 5-year old's tantrum and the key is to ignore hurtful comments "We'll discuss this when you aren't so upset". P still raging? Calmly leave the room. P's rage because of their disorder. They want a reaction. Don't give them one.

Q. I know I'm a nurturer, a fixer, maybe co-dependent. The thought of using verbal boundaries makes me nervous. I don't want to become one of those nasty people everyone hates. I'm afraid I'll turn into what he is.

A. CONGRATULATIONS. Nurturers are the terrific people that make this a wonderful world. Unfortunately, it can be the characteristics targeted by the P. Here's the good news. Because of your nature you are not a hostile person and can ACT (Assertive, Calm, Tactful) using these boundaries in a calm, controlled, focussed way. We don't need aggression, anger or yelling. We say them with grace and dignity always tactful and diplomatic. You will earn respect. You will esteem yourself as you never have before. You will notice our suggested responses (page 4) are short and easy to learn. Being assertive, not aggressive, will ensure you will not turn into a nasty person nor will you become like them.
http://www.msnusers.com/psychopath/boundaryfaqs1.msnw

Try to take the high road and don’t make it personal. Remember that people who incessantly attack you or never give you credit for anything are probably mentally disordered. Think of yourself as visiting an asylum.
How to Deal with Power Freak Relatives During the Holidays
http://www.prweb.com/releases/2002/11/prweb49806.php

I hope this helps. Holidays are a very difficult time and Ns tend to make them worse. Keep busy keeping out of her way and learn the verbal dodge and weave tatics to get through these times. Keep a sense of humour.

"I hate holidays and birthdays, including my birthday. It is because I hate it when other people are happy if I am not the cause of it. I have to be the prime mover and shaker of EVERYONE's moods. And no one will tell me HOW I should feel. I am my own master. I feel that their happiness is false, fake, forced. I feel that they are hypocrites, dissimulating joy where there is none. I feel envious, humiliated by my envy, and enraged by my humiliation. I feel that they are the recipients of a gift I will never have: the ability to enjoy life and to feel joy.
A Holiday Grudge �?Article by Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal40.html

Message 3 of 3 in Discussion

From:

CoryGlory

Sent: 11/04/2008 11:00 a.m.

Good Morning, JB,

My sis is one of the biggest Ns I know.

I have felt hurt. I have felt angry. Now I feel . . .

Detached.

She can be selfish. She can be self-important. She can be a religious hypocrit. She can be demanding, demeaning, disturbing.

She can be whatever she wants to be.

Do I love her? Yes, I do. But I see now I have to love this woman from a distance. If I allow this nutbag to insinuate herself into my life, I'll be as cracked as she is. She can take the Prozac. I'll live drug-free without her drama.

I got an e-mail from her the other day. Demanding that I move back home. I'm 58. ???? Yes, I know my mom is getting older. I've lived away from home since I was 19. I go home to visit 2-3 times a year. Now she's demanding I move back home for mom's sake, and if I don't -- sis is concerned I'll regret it for the rest of my life. (That could have been taken as a threat

I have a grandchild here, where I live, and another is on the way. Sis is demanding I literally MOVE back home -- because mom is getting older.

She wants me to feel bad. My younger sister always wonders, "Why does she always treat you so mean? You're always so nice to her?"

Not anymore. Now . . . I'm just gone.

And it doesn't bother me in the least.

I love her. She's my sister. But there is no law that says I have to hang out with her and have a close relationship with her. I love her. From a distance.

Have a nice day, JB.

Gloria