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| | From:  limerickey7 (Original Message) | Sent: 14/04/2008 8:26 p.m. |
Hi all, I've been studying this site for awhile and learned so much from all of you.
I have been no-contact with my Psychopathic Abusive father for 10 years. He spent 7 of those years stalking me, driving by my house, parking down the street and watching, etc, until I moved.
When my family and I moved 300 miles away, we told no one who spoke to him where we were going, we even told them we were going to a totally different state to try and throw him off.. We got an unlisted, unpublished phone number and did all we could to just disappear. But we found out that after a couple of years, stalkers can do a search online and find you pretty much no matter what you do. Apparently one of my ex-cousins looked us up and gave him our address.
Since then he has sent Christmas cards for the last 2 years. The first year, we kept the cards (for possible restraining order) and did not reply. The second year, I noticed he addressed the card to our street address and not PO box, so I had the card returned by the post office marked "No Receptacle, Undeliverable, Cannot Forward" etc. Right after that my N sister (also NC) looked up my profiles on high school reunion sites (they notify you when someone looks you up). I had no useful information for them in my profile.
A month later, P father put the card I returned in another envelope and sent it to me again. I returned it again, marked the same. Then N sister looked up my profile again. They are probably trying to figure out if I live where he sent the card or in the phony state I told their co-horts.
Now that he found me, I'm pretty sure he'll try again. So I was wondering what is the best strategy for when you get mail from them? Should I continue to return it, marked as if it was incorrectly addressed? Or should I return it "Refused" so he knows I saw it and refused to open it? Or should I just throw it out or file it away and not respond so he doesn't know what happened to it?
My goal is to make him go away. Do you think that by returning it, he would consider that to be a response? And he will continue trying? Or do yo think if I don't return it and he doesn't know whether or not I got it, that he will continue trying?
Thank you for any advice you can give me. |
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|  0 recommendations | Message 2 of 9 in Discussion |
| | Sent: 15/04/2008 1:01 p.m. |
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| | | From: lotty467 | Sent: 15/04/2008 1:08 p.m. |
Hiya limerickey, Well, I have problem with an NM. My line on mail is to open any envelopes, and keep them tucked away to one side. I have Christmas presents which I do not open, and I think the presents will stop. If she comes to my house, I will simply not let her in. I have cut off. My mind is totally made up. I have considered all possible permutations of the future and so am prepared and have the knowledge that I have a ready answer for any occassion: 'no longer anything to do with me'. I would not ever send anything back, as that would be to break NC. I think you just need to be absolutely resolved in your decision. One day my NM will perhaps realise my strength and power to say NO. Ns are not the only ones who can be ruthless in in upholding their rule. She will learn, and she will learn hard. I am not being bitter, I am just taking mastery of my life. I have come of age. Mail is not a problem. If mail necessitated a response I would engage a solicitor, other than that I would ignore it, just opening it to see contents and then keeping it to one side. Give them no reaction. Just show them fantactic resolve to show them that they are powerless, that they have met their match and more. That you are aware of their games and cunning, dirty, ruthless ploys to have you dance to their tune at will. They have made their bed and they can lie in it. If you show by NC that you are infinately stronger than them, that you cannot be cajolled out of your NC resolve, then surely they will stay away. But while there is always a chance, then the game is still on for them. They are no longer anything to you. They get cancer? It is nothing to do with you. Problems of old age? It is nothing to do with you. Funeral ? Nothing to do with you. Limerickey, I believe this is the only way. I'm sorry, it's sad and all that, but you have to realise what you are dealing with. And you are certainly not alone. I know it is hard, but you have lots of mates here who understand. I know I've ranted on a bit, I just want to tell you what is in my heart. We all need eachother here. I never know whether to be a little light-hearted with such serious stuff as it can be grossly inappropriate, but that said, I find it helps me sometimes to cope and keep human. I have just read this back to myself in Winston Churchill style. All the best. |
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Hi Pandora and Lotty,
Thank you so much for your help. I never thought of returning mail as being a response, and I really never thought of him using the returned mail to show others and get sympathy!
I have made up my mind many years ago to have nothing to do with him and to not allow him near my children, but every time I think I got rid of him for good, he keeps popping up again. I definitely would never go to the hospital or his funeral, or whatever they can come up with- in fact have already boycotted several "situations" but it seems they never quit trying.
I guess I thought returning the cards was good because it added to his confusion about where I was really living, and maybe bought us some time before he could figure it out for sure. The way the post office stamped the cards made it look like I had not seen them because they weren't deliverable as addressed.
But I can see where marking "refused" would qualify as a response! Yikes! It's so hard to try and think like they do. I feel like I'm trying to anticipate how a lunatic thinks. Thank you again so much for you so very valuable insights. You taught me things I would not have thought of on my own. I appreciate it so much. God bless :) |
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| | | From: femfree | Sent: 15/04/2008 7:56 p.m. |
HI. L. I would be somewhat afraid to send it back to him as the post office (here anyway) tends to put rubber stamped information thingys on it to indicate routing. And, you'll need evidence of harassment. Ignore him. |
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Hi L,!
Yes, I agree that your return of the mail could be a strong indicator of receipt, and you should just keep them. This way, the N believes that they have won, they have your attention. These persons often become obsessed once discovered, and then they are threatened because they have no idea what you are up to. Meaning-they don't know if you have informed persons how they truly are.
Complete Nc is the way to go. In fact, removal of all information from website would be essential. In terms of public record, well sweetie, unfortunately, we cannot change that! Lol |
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Hi limericky, I would just dump anything he sends in the trash, and not think about it again. If you do, it will just stay on your mind, bother you and cause anguish. I think that no contact would be the best thing to do because even by just returning the mail, he knows that emotions are still there, and this will give both of them source. I am so sorry that they have found you. Is it by your name? Is there any way you can hide it? I don't know if there is like a "life lock" on addresses or phone numbers.... That would be valuable for all of us. I will google it and write back if I find out anything. Anyone else know? Hugs, Had Enough |
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Hi all, Thanks again for all your suggestions and things I didn't even think of. I wondered how he found us also, but I think I figured it out. One of my relatives who is on my side (and who he does not know speaks to me) found out that a particular cousin, who is an attorney, got our address for him.
It struck me that he does not have our REAL mailing address, which is a post office box, because we are in a remote area with no home mail delivery. He addressed the cards to my street address, and our tiny rural post office, knowing who everybody in town is, put them in my box.
But our street address is not on anything- driver's licenses, credit card bills, utility bills, nothing. These things all have our PO box and PO box only. The only record that I know would have to have our street address is the actual deed to our house and property tax records.
So somehow the lawyer cousin must have had a way of accessing the records about our house deed, probably from one of those online search services like intelius or us search. They did not know what state or county we moved to, so they could not have done a county-by-country search. I don't even think my county has a website where they publish public records. So this is why I believe they got our street address from our property records.
Just a guess- I don't really know how these things work. And I don't know if there would have been a way to prevent it, other than buying our house in somebody else's name? Really frustrating for people who are trying to move away and lose a stalker or an abuser. There is no privacy anymore. What about a battered woman who might be trying to hide from a stalker who might kill her? Any maniac can find out where you are, and it could really be dangerous for some people.
Thank you again for all the help. You all are a blessing to me. |
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| | 0 recommendations | Message 9 of 9 in Discussion |
| | Sent: 23/04/2008 4:34 p.m. |
| This message has been deleted due to termination of membership. |
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