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| | From:  catchaq2 (Original Message) | Sent: 23/04/2008 6:12 p.m. |
As I'm reading all the posts, I'm shocked to learn how similar our stories are. It's comforting to know everyone shares this common thread! Thank you! That being said, I'm hoping you all can help me with my current situation: My mother is the N. She is an only child as am I. That means there are no other relatives. Period. (Good for not getting judged. Bad as it's even more all on me...) Last year I moved her to a nursing home near my home due to her failing health - all a direct result of alcoholism or not getting adequate care (waiting for rescue). She is 64. There have been many periods of No Contact. Years go by and then there is some disaster/illness or false hope (rehab) or my own need to try again (pregnancy). I finally decided it was easier to just do it all then take the phone calls. I'm crazy... So here we are. Estranged for the most part of 20 years and now she is up my ass. It's taken me two years to "train" the nursing home staff, pick my scabs in therapy and get to the point of Really Seriously No Contact. a) I plan to cut off contact with my mother but will continue to have contact with the nursing home, doctors, etc. So it's never really over is it? b) How do I inform her of my decision? Letter obviously but any suggestions on wording? c) Even tho I'm finally over the shame of truly hating my own mother and the guilt of abandoning her - Now I feel guilty about the staff at the nursing home! I feel like I'm crawling on their backs to save myself! I wish wish wish I had initiated No Contact prior to her decline. It's not as easy now. Thank you for slogging thru this long post. I appreciate your feedback! Q |
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| | | From: Kitcat08 | Sent: 23/04/2008 9:35 p.m. |
Don't feel guilty for the people at the nursing home. IT's their JOB to care for others.
My BIL(47) is head injured and in a nursing home. We deal with him only as much as we can bear. Sometimes he is too much, and we choose to not see him for a few weeks.
I talked candidly with one of the CNAs, who works there, and also was a coworker in my job. She says he is a handful, and sometimes they choose to ignore him, also. Sometimes there is no dealing with difficult people, and it's okay if he is ignored. His needs are being met. His wants are optional. He gets angry and flails around in his wheelchair, calling the staff names, and also tries to hit and kick them. Ignoring him is a good thing! That kind of behavior needs consequences.
He is being taken care of. We meet his needs. His wants are optional. He also brings about his own boredom and lonliness by isolating. That's his choice. We are not a huge part of his social agenda and refuse to feel guilt for the choices he makes in his life.
So, he demands help with the smallest of tasks, yet insists he can live independently. He abuses people, yet complains that he is lonely and bored. He is a drain on society and those around him, yet he demands in his Advance Directive that all measures be taken to save his life. UUUGGGGHHH! He is the biggest "N" I know, but how much is his brain injury, and how much is him, we don't know. So, we TRY to practice some compassion when we can. |
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Catch, I'm sorry about the situation. Gut instincts: I don't know the first thing about you or your mom. I don't know about all the various mean, hateful things done to you by this woman. I do know that I drank alcohol through many years of my children's young lives. And I am so very, very sorry. I loved them dearly. I still do. I was never a full-throttle bad mom. I gave them love, and they knew I loved them. Still -- I regret so much. Regret, regret, regret that I did not do better by my kids. Gut instincts: Regret is a bad, bad thing. If there is any chance that you will regret abandoning your mom, don't do it. Try to give her some kind of love. If you can. Because there was a reason she drank herself into ill health. We don't know what issues in her life caused her to do this to herself. Emotionally healthy people don't elect to have lives such as hers. I'm not judging you. You have been hurt, and if you've gone so far as to put yourself into therapy, you've been hurt alot. All I know is: There is a real, real good reason that it is said that forgiveness is good for the soul. I wish you the best. I hope it turns out well for you and that you will never have regrets for which there is no time left to turn around and retify.  Gloria |
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| | | From: catchaq2 | Sent: 24/04/2008 3:42 p.m. |
Thank you both for your responses! Re: the nursing home. I agree that it is their job to help meet the needs of the patients but - Lordy - we all know that is impossible with an N. My mother believes it is thier job to literally wipe her ass when she is perfectly capable. I think they signed up for diaper changing, spoon feeding and trying to keep someone from eating the soap. An N is a whole different animal and they are completely unable to cope. Even the social worker is underinformed. And NC is not an option for them. At least they can spread the unrelenting badgering out over the staff. Not just caretaker, but many. I think I will print some material for the social worker and let her dole out as ness? Or just stay out of it. That's a novel idea.... Re: Regrets. I thought for 20 years I was dealing with an alcoholic and so I went down that predictable road. I just knew when she was sober, she would come to her senses and try to get a life. Turns out she is just as cruel, manipulative and unwilling to meet her own needs as she was when she was facedown in puke. The fact that she is an alcoholic is just the icing on the cake - it is the narcissism that is the root. So here I am.... The regret is that she is a pitiable creature with no friends, no family and no idea why. I am sorry for her. She will never have a life outside her own narcissism. She will always blame others for her own mistakes. She will always try to drown that in alcohol or pills (a constant battle for the staff as she will purposely fall down to get more pain meds). And she will always try to drag me down with her. If she can't get to me, she will manipulate my son. It will never change. And she has not one single regret. Not. One. As for forgiveness, I really do forgive her. I don't even blame her. (ok - that's a stretch. But I understand that she is not 100% responsible for her deficits) But I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I let her tarnish me any longer. That trickles down to all my relationships - most importantly to my son. The cycle (and I believe it is one) has to stop here. Now.. that being said. I am sending her the NC "letter" today. (So now I can talk to the shrink about the guilt and shame over that for a while.) I don't think anyone can say that NC feels natural. It hurts to give up the dream of ever having a loving, functioning parent. It chafes to admit that for all my "control", I can't fix her. And, god knows, it's embarassing to admit that I've been manipulated for 40 years! These blogs are magnificent. All kinds of people from all over the place united in healing and recovering and learning how to be the type of people we always thought our parents were. A bitter pill to see they are, in fact, the most abusive kind of crazy and we carry that altered reality within ourselves. I am going to stop, take a breath, look around and GO DOWN A DIFFERENT ROAD. |
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Whether she's your mom or not . . . Forgive and forget aside . . . Sympathy for her and her problems aside . . . Protect your son from her manipulation at all costs. Yes, maam! I am happy to know that even though she was no kind of decent mother to you, you have turned out to be a decent mom. I appreciate your concern that she isn't allowed to manipulate your son. The bottom line for us as parents is to protect our children. If she's as bad as you say, protect him at all costs. And best wishes with it all. Gloria |
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| | | From: Kitcat08 | Sent: 24/04/2008 10:22 p.m. |
Today I just got a call from the activity director, K, at BIL's home. We knew that BIL's watch is broken. It's the 3rd one in about 6 month. K was so concerned...the battery is dead in this watch, the band is broken on that watch....and BIL has no money. I told K, "Don't worry about it, we'll take care of it". He is going to learn to live without a watch, because he breaks every one he gets. My husband already told him that we are not replacing this watch. So, he "goes over our head".
The guy is allowed $30 a month of his SSI. The rest goes to the home. He smokes 2 cartons a month. He's begging us for "instant esspresso" ALL the time. Then, it's watches, and "I need new shoes". What for! he's in a wheel chair! He needs pocket money, too. And he calls just to tell me he's bored, and "why doesn't anyone ever visit me". Uhmmm....because you just take and never give a single thing! He can't even hold a conversation, it's all about what he wants and needs, "do this and do that for me".
I don't feel guilty, I feel angry. And the staff at the home can be so co-dependent. We've gotten calls that "BIL is out of cigarettes and throwing a tantrum". When we drop some off, we are told by a CNA that "I'm a single mom, and I can't afford to give BIL my cigarettes". HMMMM....Then DON'T!
It's too bad that the staff doesn't get that they are there to take care of his NEEDS, and his wants are his problem. It's not my problem that the staff gets his needs and wants mixed up. They aren't paid to give him their cigarettes, or fix his watches. They are paid to make sure he eats, give him his meds, and keep him clean...etc. Every one of us is on a learning curve. We learn the lessons when the pain(or anger) of not learning gets to be too much. Sooner or later, the staff will catch on. Til then, we are just "family members who are too busy(selfish) to deal with BIL".
I will be attending his next care meeting, and letting them know a few things. |
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Hi. difficult this for you. You are an only child.....so am I..but if you weren't your mother would still be in the same situation.and you would still feel guilty..even if you had a sibling to share this with. Is your mother comfortable in the home?.Is the home clean?..do they meet her needs?.....if yes, then what more can you do? you had years of Nc with your mum for various reasons...so now she is sick.so what?..Just cos she is sick doesn't mean she will have a change of heart.she is still the same person she always was cos they don't change. She is only 64......she could be in the home for another 30 years.....and you could be on a guilt trip forever aswell....she isn't going to suddenly see the light and pay attention to you. My MIL is N/P and now 77......and she is a total witch. I have been NC with her for 17 years....so now I don't feel any guitl where she is concerned at all....last 17 years have been fairly peaceful cos she can't get at me anymore. |
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| | | From: gladlyx | Sent: 25/04/2008 11:16 a.m. |
As hard as it is I believe you are doing the right thing. I went thru hell with my mother. She passed in 05. Started out with a personal care home after shock treatments to get off of drugs. Basicially all her crap was dropped in my lap. She was disruptive everywhere she went. Fortunately at the nursing home, they did catch on. When hospice came in I did get some relief. When she was in the personal care home we had to block the house phone # as she was calling and scaring our son. The director would have to contact me from his cell phone. At any rate she is gone now and I can live with the decisions I made. I did the best I could with a very sick person. My last (hopefully) battle has been with my brother about a cementary marker. I'm no contact with him now. He sends emails but I don't reply. His health care is in my city and he doesn't call when he's in town. When he first started coming here I think he thought I was going to give him a free place to stay. After my experience with my mother, there is no way N brother is going to drop his stuff in my lap. Protecting yourself yet dealing with the nursing home sounds like a good plan. I hope you can stay strong and that the nursing home understands. Hugs! Gladly |
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Catch, My two cents for what it's worth, stay NC and just make sure she's taken care of through the third parties (nursing home staff). That way, you are doing what is best for her (and for yourself) by making sure she has proper care. Beyond that you owe nothing, and actually...... ....but, as good people, we need to do what is right, as long as long as you can bear it. You cannot risk being sucked in again by exposing your vulnerable self to her. Every time you do, you'll disrespect yourself and you'll risk drowning again, so stay NC. It's a sad side effect of being an N victim, that a person has to experience all the junk from the N, and then, be judged by others as the bad guy to boot. Stinks to high heaven. My thoughts and strength go with you. Fluff |
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to gladly. you hit the nail on the head for me here I think.you said you can live with the decisions you made.....thats it, we have to live with the decisions...so as long as we make them believing them to be in the best interests all round, maybe we have to stick by it. |
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| | | Sent: 27/05/2008 1:45 p.m. |
| This message has been deleted by the author. |
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Hi Catchaq,
My heart to you!!!
I don't have any advise, just empathy. My mother is also in a nursing home and I am an only child. Luckily, a cousin popped her in there and she is on the other side of the country, near them.
I can only imagine what I'd do if they hadn't helped out.
The phone rang last night after midnight and I wondered if it was about her.
UG
Wish I had some sage advice. My heart to you.
Wolfies |
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