NARCISSISTIC_PERSONALITY

I was involved with an N for almost two years. When that relationship crashed and burned, I went looking for answers and I found this website. That was eight months ago. I also started counseling at length. My therapist stated several times that usually a person has someone in their FOO that has narcissistic tendencies. I told him that I couldn’t think of anyone.

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My mother moved 2000 miles to help me out because the ending of my relationship was so devastating. I hadn’t lived anywhere near her for years. We actually went two years without talking because she chose no contact because I wasn’t “living up to her standard�? but that was a long time ago.

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She has now been living with me for almost seven months. While it has been a tremendous help, I now see who the person in my FOO is with the tendencies toward narcissism. I learned how to recognize it from this website. I’m am so thankful it is here.

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While she has been doing afterschool childcare for me, she has been living rent free and without having to put out a dime. She has also been doing the majority of the cooking and laundry, but I never asked her for either.

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On Saturday, I found out by accident she is going back to <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Ohio</st1:place></st1:State>. Now my one brother and I live in the Pacific Northwest and my other brother lives in <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Texas</st1:place></st1:State>. Both my brothers washed their hands of her years ago. When I asked her why she was choosing to go to <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Ohio</st1:place></st1:State> “for her old age�? she said there are people there who will look after me in my old age and I have to think about that now. I said that I had committed to looking after her in her old age. Her reply, “I can’t trust you to wipe my fanny when I get old�?

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She has been shipping things to <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Ohio</st1:place></st1:State> for the last three weeks and has already bought her plane ticket. I guess she was just waiting for me to “find out�?

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I realize this weekend that she has d&d me all my life. This time because I’m not good enough to wipe her butt. Except this time, she is wounding my children and I just cannot forgive her for that.

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All her promises to be there for me while I go through the healing from my relationship and my children’s healing, now she has chosen to do more damage. I don’t ever intend to speak to her again. I asked her to leave immediately and go and stay with my brother until she leaves for <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Ohio</st1:place></st1:State>. He refused to take her for less than two weeks.

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She went on and on about how her children all hate her and how she doesn’t understand why because she is such a loving, godly woman. She said I was always cruel to her and was always raging at her and that she never deserved it, but that her church back in <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Ohio</st1:place></st1:State> would look after her better than her family ever would.

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My daughter-in-law was there and said, “Who is the cruel one? Who are we talking about�? My mother also said that I never see the positive in anything and I only see conspiracies everywhere. My daughter-in-law mentioned projecting and my mother started crying and saying that we were all against her. Then she stated that I should be over my relationship already because it really wasn’t any big deal and that she could see why he treated me so badly because I’m such an awful person.<o:p></o:p>

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I’m so angry. I can’t afford childcare because I have a house that she was suppose to help pay for and never has. Now she is moving on and I’m just stuck. My 12 yo daughter said, “It will be better when she is gone because we won’t have to walk on egg shells anymore�? My daughter doesn’t even know about NPD.

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My son and daughter-in-law are moving to <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Germany</st1:place></st1:country-region> because he is in the Army, but they have said she will stay in the states until school is out to help with childcare through this bump. I am so grateful for their support.

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I’m scared to death and need some encouragement and perspective. Could you all please offer some?

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Message 2 of 11 in Discussion

From:

goingnorth2

Sent: 6/05/2008 11:20 a.m.

I don't know what your mother's problem is, but if your little girl is talking about walking on eggshells and saying it's going to be better when your mother is gone, I suggest you help the woman pack.

Your are responsible for providing a safe environment for your children. Walking on eggshells for gramma's sake is hardly healthy. That little girl's teenage years won't be pleasant with that old lady around.

Let her go.

Maybe you need to sell the house and make a move that will help you to live within your means.

Let her go and don't worry about it. You can figure out the financial problems once she's out of there. You will be able to think more clearly without her around. Try it one day at a time. That's all any of us can do.

Good luck with all of it.

Message 3 of 11 in Discussion

From:

pandora721

Sent: 6/05/2008 1:14 p.m.

Hi.sorry you are having a hard time just now.but your mother has lived with you through a hard time for 8 months??.maybe she feels tired and worn out too...maybe she needs to leave so you can really get on with your life and move forwards on your own 2 feet?....You spent 2 years not speaking to each other.....and now you share the same house?.Is that healthy?....2 women under 1 roof?

And, you talk of your financial problems and child care problems should your mother just leave?....the children are your responsibility, not your mothers, she was only there to help you get over a bad time in your life.maybe she feels its time for her to move on now and let you sort the rest of your life out?

Once she has gone, maybe you will feel in a batter place? hope so for you anyway.

Message 4 of 11 in Discussion

From:

pandora721

Sent: 6/05/2008 1:16 p.m.

oops.wrong button.

If your mother is so awful and unfeeling, maybe she did you a big favour by leaving?.they don't improve with age, they go much worse.at least now you will have some time for yourself and members of your family you want to be with??hugs for you.

(1 recommendation so far)

Message 5 of 11 in Discussion

From:

kate541212

Sent: 7/05/2008 3:44 p.m.

You dont really give any details as to what behavior of your mothers caused your brothers to chose no contact with your mother or why you had no contact for two years. It may well be justified but even so, that does not make your mother responsible to help pay for your house or help you with child care. She moved 2000 miles and helped you out for 7 months...providing childcare and housework ..in return she got room and board. Did you pay for her expenses to move? You dont mention her age but she may just not be up to doing childcare and housework for a family anymore.

If you had some contract that this was a permanent arrangement then its too bad she reneged but, maybe she just realized that it wasnt going to work, for whatever reason. And she evidently has her own life and friends..she shouldnt be expected to look after her adult children and grandchildren forever.

Message 6 of 11 in Discussion

From:

femfree

Sent: 7/05/2008 7:40 p.m.

Hi anewthingforme.

You are not alone...

It seems a little strange to me that I logged onto these boards in response to a threat from my XP only to find I am discovering more about my childhood than anything else!!"

The Abusive Family
http://survivorquotes.bravehost.com/Family.html

Your mother moved to be with you because it was a situation of some drama she could tap into and tell people of her self sacrifice to help you out. I suspect you are very much psychologically stronger than she is.

Take CAre

femfree

Message 7 of 11 in Discussion

From:

anewthingforme1

Sent: 8/05/2008 1:36 p.m.

My brothers have washed their hands of her because of constant d & d. She has told all of us repeatedly that we don't live up to her standard and that we are a disappointment to her.

Why she stopped talking to me for two years? When my dad died, I told my mom I would take her anywhere in the world she wanted to go to sprinkle the ashes. We started out on a roadtrip.

SEVEN WEEKS LATER, I was still driving all over the country. She finally picked a spot by the side of the road in a town that my dad had been to once. Why did she pick that spot? Because my dad like the crepes at the little restaurant in the town.

When she returned to Ohio, she changed her phone number and told absolutely everyone that I had treated her horribly and wounded her at a time when she was grieving her husband.

The thing is, I was the one stuck in the car for seven weeks hearing about what a loser I was for all the mistakes I'd made in my life. Anyway, even though I wrote her snail mail several times (she had blocked my email too), she would always right back that she wasn't interested in hearing from me.

The house was acquired to accommodate her moving here so that I could "look after her in her old age". This house was not what I wanted at all and is way too big for just my children and I.

As for moving her here, I paid for it all and she is now asking me to pay to have her large stuff moved back. She came here because she said that she needed to be needed and was feeling like her life was over.

I never formally asked her to do childcare or housework. She took that all on herself.

The thing that is so hurtful is that she has stated repeatedly that I'm not good enough to look after her in her old age. This isn't me taking advantage of my poor old mother. She is 65 and very able bodied. She could be out and about having a great life. Instead she never leaves the house.

As a side note, I find that I am looking forward to her going as are my children. I'm starting to see this as a good thing.

Message 8 of 11 in Discussion

From:

pandora721

Sent: 8/05/2008 2:12 p.m.

Hi.well for a starter.agree with her that you are not good enough to look after her in her old age.....and let her go.

7 weeks in a car would be enough to drive anybody nuts..well done, don't think I could have done it.

If the house is too big, maybe you could sell it and move soemwhere you want to be in a house better suited to you?

and I agree with you.65 isn't old.....and I think maybe you deserve some time out me time.

Message 9 of 11 in Discussion

From:

AmyLou9

Sent: 31/05/2008 2:09 p.m.

Hi Anewthingforme,

You talk about your mother saying you're not good enough to look after her in her old age. My mother used to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.............. about how awful it would be to have me look after her in her old age because I was so useless and at the time I was six! With therapy and seeing this from an adult perspective it's just the spouting forth of ridiculous nonsense. It hurts for sure, doesn't matter how well you protect yourself, come to terms with their limitations etc N's just know how to press the most painful buttons.

Sounds like you've tried very hard with your mother and the way she's treating you is damaging and it's not your fault. It's good that you've recognised that she's an N. As painful as it is the relationship with her never will get better and the best way for you to move on with your life is to have no contact with her. By being the martyr and doing all the work she's setting you up for abuse by going on about all that she did and making people feel sorry for her. It sounds very much like she's playing a game, she'll get loads of sympathy when she goes back home and goes on about how hard done by she is with her awful children and how they've abandoned her or whatever other nonsense she comes up with. You can rebuild your life once she's gone and no longer be involved in that twisted mess.

Well bye now

Amy Lou

Message 10 of 11 in Discussion

From: freezerburned

Sent: 6/06/2008 3:15 p.m.

I know the frustration of having parents who just can't be the parents you need them to be. I know her words feel like a personal attack on you, I hope you can eventually be able to not take it personally. We are all just interchangeable pawns to the Ns. Detaching emotionally from the N is necessary for your own healing and well being. It's even more important than being out of touch with the N. It's difficult to realize you're just a doormat and scapegoat to your parent, who is supposed to protect you from such treatment, but it's possible to reparent yourself.

I knew my mom was a difficult person, but, like you, it wasn't until I moved back in with her after separating from my NH that I realized that she was an N also. I had already emotionally detached from her and knew how to avoid most of her "land mines" but it has been wearing to live in the same house.

"She said I was always cruel to her and was always raging at her and that she never deserved it"
Pure projection. Your real sin is likely to have been daring to have an opinion different than hers. Or horrors, actually pointing out that something she did was less than perfect. Well, that's how the rest of us learn and grow, but it's treason to the Ns.

Maybe you could find a young woman who would help with childcare in exchange for rent or partial rent.

I expect that you are feeling overwhelmed by another Nbomb so soon after the first one. One is almost too much. Be patient with yourself, it's a lot to deal with all at once.

Message 11 of 11 in Discussion

From:

woweekazowee

Sent: 6/06/2008 9:07 p.m.

Anewthingforme,

wow...your mom says a lot of things to try to pierce your heart...it is good that you are recognizing that what she says is not based on reality, but on her own issues. Realizing that someone in our lives is toxic is a healthy step :) Detaching emotionally as someone has said is a healthy step too...and then if you can get to the place of NC that is usually optimal I am learning.

Maybe you can use this experience to talk to your children and validate their feelings about Grandma and discuss whether her behavior is healthy, etc. It will help your children learn to recognize toxic behavior and to learn to not tolerate it. This could also be an opportunity for you to get closer to your kids and they will learn they can confide in you as you validate their experience.

Looks like you are on the right path....keep learning and growing and validating your feelings and perceptions of what is healthy and what isn't...

Wowee

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